JILLS IN OFFICE.
Scene—Portion of a Stationer's Shop, used as Post Office. Two Young Ladies (let them be distinguished as Miss Cross and Miss Orty) discovered behind wire-screen. At opening of scene, the public is composed exclusively of the gentler sex, and the demeanour of Miss C. and Miss O. though firm, is not positively forbidding. Lady Customers, having despatched their business move away, leaving the coast clear to three Mild Men, who advance to screen with a meekness designed to propitiate. Instant transformation in both Miss C. and Miss O., who gaze at them through screen with air of visitors at the Zoo who are not fond of animals.
First Mild Man (with apologetic cough). Oh, good-day! [Slight pause.
Miss Cross to Miss Orty (in continuation of an interrupted anecdote). Yes, I said it to him just like that—it made me so wild!
Miss Orty. I shouldn't have taken any notice if it had been me.
First M. M. Can you oblige me with six stamps, if you please?
[Miss Orty, without looking at him, opens drawer, tears off six stamps, and tosses them contemptuously underneath the screen.
Second Mild Man. Oh, I beg your pardon, I just called in to inquire—— (Miss C. and Miss O. regard him stonily, which has effect of disconcerting him to some extent). I—I ... there were some books I sent off by Parcels Post from this Office the other day ... you may remember it?—they were all in white wrappers. (Miss C. and Miss O. wear the resigned look of people who feel themselves in for a dull story.) Some of my friends, er—I have been given to understand, that two of the parcels have—well, failed to arrive as yet.... Could you kindly——
Miss O. to Miss C. (with lifted eyebrows). Know anything about the books?
Miss C. shakes her head in scornful repudiation, whereupon Miss Orty selects a printed form, which she jerks towards Second M. M. Fill up that, and send it in to the Postmaster-General.
Second M. M. But are you quite sure they have not been mislaid here? You see they are small books, and it struck me perhaps—er——
Miss O. Any remarks you have to make can be put in the form.
Second M. M. Quite so—but if you could only tell me——
Miss O. Can't do any more than I have done. (To First M. M.) I gave you your stamps some time ago, didn't I?
First M. M. Oh, yes—yes, I had the stamps, thank you. But—but (with manner of man who is compelled to enter on a painful subject) there was my change—I—I gave you half a sovereign.
Miss O. (with cold suspicion). Don't remember it. You should have spoke about it at the time—but of course, if you say you haven't had it—I suppose——
[Deals out his change as if it was more than he had any right to expect.
Second M. M. One moment—am I to leave this form with you?
Miss C. No. Send it to the General Post Office in the regular way—they'll attend to it. You'll find all the directions there if you take the trouble to look.
Second M. M. Thank you very much. Good morning.
[Miss C. and Miss O. naturally take no notice of this piece of familiarity, and Second M. M. departs crushed, and gradually realises that he is slightly annoyed.
Third M. M. (presenting a telegram). Will you send this off at once, please?
Miss Orty (takes the form, and runs a disparaging eye over it, rather as if it were an unwelcome love-letter from some detested adorer). "Post mortem's" two words.
Third M. M. I have no objection—but it's rather important. I want it delivered, and soon.
Miss O. You must put the address more full than "Rumbo," then.
Third M. M. But the telegraphic address is registered "Rumbo."
Miss O. (who seems to consider "Rumbo" somewhat too frivolous). Well, if you like to leave it so, I can send it—it's at your risk. (She leaves the form on the counter.) Eightpence-halfpenny.
Enter Footman, with parcel.
Footman. How much to pay on this, Miss, please?
[Miss Cross takes it reluctantly, slaps it down on scales with infinite contempt, flings in weights, and then tosses a stamp and label to Footman, with the brief remark, "Fourpence," spoken aggressively. Footman, after paying his fourpence, and gazing from stamp to label in a hopeless manner, opens his mouth twice, and withdraws, too intimidated to ask for further instructions.
Miss C. (still occupied with her anecdote). I should laugh if he came again next Sunday, just the same—shouldn't you?
Miss O. I'd let him see I wasn't going to put up with it, I know!
Miss C. Oh, he'll find out he won't have things all his way. (Perceives First M. M. evidently awaiting her leisure.) Was there anything else you were waiting for?
First M. M. Er—yes. Can you let me have a Postal Order for six-and-sixpence?
Miss C. (with decision). No, I can't!
First M. M. (surprised). But surely——!
Miss C. Give you two—one for five shillings, and one for eighteen-pence, if that will do?
First M. M. Of course, that's what I meant!
Miss Cross. It's not what you said—you said a order. (Makes out the orders with much disdain.) Three-halfpence to pay.
Second M. M. (returning). Oh, I quite forgot—will you kindly cash this order for me?
Miss O. Not till you've signed it.
Second M. M. Bless my heart, I quite forgot it ought to be signed! Could you oblige me with a pen for one moment?
Miss O. There's a desk over there for all that.
Second M. M. I—I thought if you would let me sign it here, it would save time—the desk is occupied at present I observe.
Miss O. (dabs a pen in the inkstand, and pushes it disdainfully through the wire net-work.) Give it back when you've finished with it.
[She is apparently alarmed lest it should be secured as a Souvenir.
Enter Imperious Customer, and approaches screen with lordly air.
Imperious Customer (blusterously). Here you—one of you, let me have a penny stamp, and a packet of thin post-cards, and two half-penny wrappers, will you? and look sharp!
Miss C. and Miss O. (becoming instantly all smiles.) Certainly, Sir. (They vie with one another in activity.) Postcards in that drawer ... I'll get the wrappers—ninepence-halfpenny, Sir, and thank you. Good morning, Sir.
[Exit Imperious Stranger snatching up his purchases and ignoring parting smiles from behind the screen. Mild Men store up the lesson for use on future occasions. Scene closes in.