AMONG THE AMATEURS.
No. II.—PREPARATION.
Scene.—The Theatre of the provincial town of Blankbury. A company of Amateurs, the "Thespian Wanderers," are rehearsing the well-known Comedy of "Heads or Tails?" Amongst them are our friends Buckstone Boldero, Tiffington Spinks, Charlie Gushby, and Harry Hall. Besides these, we may note Colonel Thomas Clumk, an ex-military Amateur, who devotes more time to acting small parts and talking big about them than he ever did to soldiering. Then there is Andrew Jarp, a portly and elderly partner in a considerable firm of Solicitors, and an actor who, by long practice, has grown perfect in the part of a Family Butler. His office is in the City, and he drives down to it every morning in a private brougham, fitted with a looking-glass, by the help of which he studies the air and deportment characteristic of a modern Seneschal. He is a man of few words, off as well as on the stage; but his eyes flash fury if he hears his favourite Art derided by the scoffer. Horatio Spuffil is also in the cast. He has dabbled in literature, but has lately abandoned such frivolity, and been elected a Member of the London County Council. A few rising Amateur Supers complete the male portion of the cast. The Ladies' parts are played by professional Actresses, of the Theatres Royal generally, who happen to be, as they pleasantly express it in their advertisements in the "Era," "resting"—Miss Dorothy Shuttle, Miss Amelia Slimper, who are new to the Amateurs, and Kitty Larkings, who has "assisted" the "Thespian Wanderers" before. Boldero is Stage Manager. The Stage is occupied by Spinks (as Colonel Debenham, a retired Indian Officer), Gushby (as Tom Tilbury, a comic Country Squire), and Dorothy Shuttle (as Belinda, Nurserymaid in the family of Lord and Lady Shorthorn, represented respectively by Boldero and Miss Amelia).
Boldero (from the front of the house). Stop a moment! You know we really must settle what we are to do about those two children that Belinda's got to wheel on in the double perambulator. I asked the Duchess of Middlesex to lend us her twins for a couple of nights, but she writes to say they've just got the measles. Isn't there any one here who can help us? [The three Ladies titter.
Gushby (in whose breast the leading part played by Spinks still rankles). Why not let Spinks do it? He's always wanting to "double" parts, and here's a splendid chance for him.
Spinks (coldly). That's very funny—really very funny, Gushby. It's a pity "Colonel Debenham" (alluding to his own rôle in the comedy) isn't a clown's part. I'd give it up to you right off, if it was. Ha, ha! (bitterly).
Colonel Clumk. There's a man in my old regiment who's got two red-haired brats; but he wants ten shillings a night for 'em.
Boldero. That's pretty stiff. However, I'll inspect them to-morrow. Let's get on a bit now. Come, Spinks!
Spinks. Where were we? (With an air of intense annoyance.) These constant interruptions put one off so. Oh, yes, I remember. (Resumes rehearsing the part of "Colonel Debenham.") "Nursemaid, take those squalling infants away. I'm surprised at Lady Shorthorn permitting them in the drawing-room. Wheel them away at once—at once, I say; or I'll make curry-powder of the lot of you!"
Miss Dorothy Shuttle (as "Belinda"). "Well, I'm sure; I never was so spoken to afore. (To her imaginary children.) Did the horrid man scold them, then, pretty dears? (To Debenham.) You a Colonel? You ain't fit to be a General in the Salvation Army. Imperence!" [Exit, wheeling an imaginary perambulator.
Boldero (enthusiastically). Excellent! That couldn't have been done better. When we get the perambulator and the babies, it's bound to go. (Miss Dorothy Shuttle is much pleased, and foresees several stalls being taken on the occasion of her next benefit.) Now, then (to Spinks, who thinks it a mistake that a Stage Manager should stop to praise anybody, with one exception, of course, at rehearsal), Spinks, hurry up a bit, hurry up!
Spinks. My dear Boldero, I'm perfectly ready to begin as soon as ever the talking stops. I know my cues, I fancy; but it's quite hopeless to get on if everybody wants to talk at the same moment. (Resumes his part as "Colonel Debenham," shaking his fist at the departing Belinda.) "Impertinent minx! (Turns furiously on Gushby, who is on the stage in the character of Tilbury, the comic Squire.) And you, Sir, what in the name of fifty thousand jackasses, do you mean by standing there grinning from ear to ear like a buck nigger? But I'll not stand it any longer, Sir, not for a moment. D'ye hear, you miserable turnip-faced bumpkin, d'ye hear?" (Carried away by histrionic enthusiasm, Spinks brings his fist down violently on the precise spot where a table ought to be, but is not, standing. As a natural result, he hits himself with much force on his leg. The others laugh, and the Ladies turn away giggling, feeling that they ought to be sympathetic. The unfortunate Spinks hurts himself considerably, and is furious. Coming, as it were, right out of the part, and being temporarily himself again, only in a rage, he addresses the Stage Manager.) Upon my soul, Boldero, this is perfectly infamous. How often have I begged you to get that table placed there at all costs, and time after time you forget it. I know what it is; you want to make me ridiculous. But you'll be d—— (suddenly remembers that ladies are present, and substitutes a milder expletive)—confoundedly sorry for yourself when you find I'm too lame to act, and the whole of your precious piece will be ruined. You'll none of you get notices worth twopence from the critics. [Limps up and down the Stage.
Miss Amelia Slimper (rather a novice, and anxious to make useful acquaintances among the distinguished Amateurs—to Miss Kitty, whispering). Are they very keen about notices?
Miss Kitty (experienced in Amateurs). Keen! I should think they were. They talk about nothing else when it's over.
Boldero (peaceably). Well, Spinks, you know you smashed two tables last week, and I thought we agreed to rehearse without one. But I'll see it's there next time. Now then, Jarp! Where's Jarp? This is his entrance. Where the deuce is he? (Enter Jarp as "Mr. Binns, Butler to Lord Shorthorn"). Dear me, Jarp, what have you been up to?
Jarp (vexed). What have I been up to? I'll tell you. I've been learning my part, and it would be a good thing if everybody were to follow my example, instead of talking all day.
Boldero. Jarp, don't be sarcastic. It doesn't suit you. Let's see if you know your part, after all this.
Jarp (as Binns, without moving a muscle). "'Er Ladyship's compliments, Colonel Debenham, and she would like to see you."
Spinks (as Debenham). "Very well. Tell her I'll come."
Jarp (as Binns). "Yes, Sir."
[Exit Jarp as Binns, but immediately becomes Jarp, and complains to the young Ladies that these fellows never will rehearse properly. The professional Ladies sympathise with him, and admit that it is very provoking, and Miss Amelia takes the opportunity of expressing her confident opinion that he, Jarp, will play his part admirably, and only wonders that he hasn't got more to do. Then somehow the conversation wanders towards professional matters, and the probability of Miss Amelia being engaged next season at a fashionable London Theatre, &c., &c.
Miss Dorothy (aside, in a whisper, to Miss Kitty, alluding to Jarp's recent exit). Is that all he's got to say?
Miss Kitty (in same tone to Miss Dorothy). Not quite. He says, "'Er Ladyship is served!" in the next Act. A part like that takes a deal of learning.
[The rehearsal proceeds. Spuffil does wonders as "a young man about town"; Colonel Clumk performs the part of a Country Clergyman in a manner suggestive rather of a Drill-sergeant than a Vicar. Boldero having praised Spinks, is pronounced by the latter to be unapproachable as Lord Shorthorn. In the Third Act, Hall sings his song about "the Boy in Buttons." On the previous day, he had had a difference with Spinks and Boldero.
Boldero. I think that song's out of place. What say you, Spinks?
Spinks. Well, it does sound just a trifle vulgar.
Boldero. Yes. I think we shall have to cut it, Hall. It'll do for next year just as well. You can make it fit any piece?
Hall (pale, but determined). If that song goes, I go too. Oh, yes, Spinks, it's all very well for you to be so blessed polite to Boldero, but you didn't seem to think much of his acting (observes Spuffil smiling) no, nor of Spuffil's either, when you spoke to me yesterday: and as for Gushby, why we all know what Gushby is.
[All join in the fight, which continues for ten minutes.
Boldero (looking at his watch). Good heavens! we shall miss our train, and I've promised to look in on Irving to-night. He'd never forgive me if I didn't turn up.
[Smiles of quiet intelligence appear on the faces of the other Amateurs, accompanied with a few winks, which like "laughter in Court," are "immediately suppressed." Exeunt omnes, severally, each pleased with himself, and more or less disgusted with everybody else.
Miss Amelia (to Kitty). What a funny lot! Are they like that every year?
Miss Kitty. Yes, always. But (confidentially) they do come out strong for a "ben."
[They retire to their lodgings for a little quiet tea and a rest.