A PUFF AT WHITEHALL.
(A piece of extravagance faintly suggestive of a Scene from "The Critic.")
Lord GEORGE PUFF and Sir JOHN BULL discovered attending a rehearsal of the Naval Estimates.
Lord George. And now I pray your particular attention, Sir JOHN, as this is the best thing in my play—it is a spectacular effect called the Summer Manoeuvres.
Sir John. And no doubt costly, Lord GEORGE?
Lord George. You are right, Sir JOHN, as you will have an opportunity of finding out—hereafter. But to the argument. It is supposed that the British Fleet is at war with, indeed, the British Fleet.
Sir John. A very clever idea.
Lord George. I flatter myself it is, and novel too. It is true that occasionally the ships comprising the British Fleet have run into one another in the past just as if they had been at war, but then they were avowedly at peace, and now they are undoubtedly the reverse. Do you take my meaning?
Sir John. Well, not clearly. How do you show that the British Fleet is at war with the British Fleet?
Lord George. Ah, there comes in my art, and I think you will confess I have a very pretty wit. You see I divide the British Fleet into two parts—one part represents the enemy and the other part represents itself like the House of Commons, a most representative body. That is clear, I hope?
Sir John. Certainly—one is the British Fleet, and the other is not the British Fleet. But is there no bond of union?
Lord George. Most assuredly there is—you pay for both. But, pardon me, I beg you will not further interrupt me. So, now that we have the two Fleets face to face, or, I should say, bow to starn, we proceed exactly as if there were a real quarrel between them. We spend money on coal, we spend money on pay, we spend money on ammunition. Nay, by my life, we spend money on everything—just as we should do if war were really declared! That's simple enough.
Sir John. I confess your plan does seem simple.
Lord George. And there is more behind. We are not satisfied with merely spending money—we learn a lesson as well. Come, you must confess that surprises you?
Sir John. Well, I admit that generally, where there is any spending of money, it is I who learn the lesson.
Lord George. Good—distinctly good! But let us be serious. Well, when we are carrying on a war by every means in our power, we fancy that one Fleet is chasing the other. They both have equal speed, and we give one Fleet twenty-four hours' start of the other, and will you believe me that, although the first follows the second as fast as may be from the beginning to the end of the manoeuvring, they never see one another! On my life—never! They never see the British Fleet, because it's not in sight!
Sir John. But could you not have learned all this without so great an expenditure of money?
Lord George. Well, no, Sir JOHN—not at the Admiralty!
Sir John. And how do you end the farce?
Lord George. In the usual fashion, Sir JOHN (ignites blue fire)—in smoke!
[The characters are lost in the fog customary to the occasion.
Curtain.
