OUR ADVERTISERS.—THEIR LATEST BOON.
SELL UNIVERSALIS is a startling, electrifying, flesh-forming, paralysing, stupifying, and sparkling Intoxicant.
SELL UNIVERSALIS may be taken freely in tons with perfect impunity alike by the Elephant and the Infant.
SELL UNIVERSALIS, administered instantly in a teaspoon, will sober a drunken Crocodile or steady a tottering Policeman.
SELL UNIVERSALIS is a wonderful food-supplier, one dose containing the active principle of a ten-and-sixpenny Criterion Dinner.
SELL UNIVERSALIS.—Professor SLOTTER, B.J.W.K.R.S., &c., Public Analyst to the Midland Patents Puffing Association, writes:—"I have made a careful analysis of several sealed bottles of this unique preparation, and, as far as I can make out, I have no hesitation in saying that its claim to contain in every single teaspoonful 'all the active principle of two bottles of "'36" champagne, five pounds of pork chops, a pint of train oil, a tinned lobster, a pot of bears' grease, and 73 per cent. of the best boot-blacking and dog-biscuit,' is substantially correct. I have not as yet prescribed it for any of my own patients, but, if I find my practice inconveniently extended, I shall probably do so."
SELL UNIVERSALIS instantly cures lumbago, toothache, hay-fever, nettlerash, staggers, elephantiasis, and many other ordinary nursery disorders.
SELL UNIVERSALIS.—"A TRUSTFUL COUNTRY CLERGYMAN" writes:—"I have often had one leg in the grave, on the occasions on which I have been subject to successive attacks of lumbago, toothache, hay-fever, nettlerash, staggers, elephantiasis, and many other ordinary nursery disorders, but I have always found that, by having recourse to a bottle of SELL UNIVERSALIS, I have been enabled slowly to draw it out again; at least, I fancy so."
SELL UNIVERSALIS, if taken "injudiciously," and administered with judgment, will kill the aged, and remove the youthful.
SELL UNIVERSALIS.—"A CIRCUMSPECT SOLICITOR WITH AN EYE TO THE MAIN CHANCE," writes:—"Having had seven aged uncles and an infant nephew who stood between me and the enjoyment of a trifling annuity, I presented them all last Christmas with a bottle of the 'SELL,' coupling the gift with the playful injunction that 'the faster they got through it the longer they would live.' By the 10th of January I had buried the whole eight of them. You are quite welcome to make what use you can of this; but, for obvious reasons, I suppress my name and address."
SELL UNIVERSALIS is a wonderful Brain and Nerve Tonic, entirely revivifying the shattered powers of the disheartened and over-taxed literary man.
SELL UNIVERSALIS.—"A COMING SHAKSPEARE" writes:—"For years I have been writing Christmas Pantomimes, till, never meeting with any Management willing to produce them, I found at length I had seven-and-thirty by me waiting production. I then took several bottles of your SELL UNIVERSALIS, which must have cleared my head, for I wrote a comic Interlude for the Clown and Ringmaster of a Provincial Circus that was immediately accepted; and though I have not yet been paid for it, and, owing to the fact that the travelling company, being always on the move, is continually changing its address, very probably never shall be, still, as I am told 'it goes with a roar' every night, I cannot but conclude that the SELL UNIVERSALIS has restored in a marked degree my shattered mental powers."
SELL UNIVERSALIS, if rubbed into the head will, in twenty-four hours, entirely remove every vestige of the most luxuriant crop of hair.
SELL UNIVERSALIS, swallowed for another twenty-four hours, will bring nearly all of it on again.
SELL UNIVERSALIS may be tried on the invalid Canary.
SELL UNIVERSALIS may be relied on as a thoroughly effective Furniture Revivifier.
SELL UNIVERSALIS affords a refreshing beverage in the last stages of Delirium Tremens.
SELL UNIVERSALIS will in all probability give a lustre to the fire-irons.
SELL UNIVERSALIS might be counted on to ensure a superior boot polish.
SELL UNIVERSALIS, failing everything else, may be confidently administered in handsome doses to the baby.
NOTICE—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.