No. V.—MONEY LENT (ONE WAY AMONG MANY.)
SCENE I.—Apartment of innocent but temporarily impecunious person.
I.P. discovered reading advertisements and correspondence.
Impecunious Person. Humph! It sounds all right. I have heard that these Loan-mongers are sometimes scoundrels and sharks. But this one is surely genuine. There is a manly frankness, a sort of considerate and sympathetic delicacy about him, that quite appeals to one. No inquiry fees, no publicity, no delay! Just what I want. Has clients, men of capital, but not speculators, who wish to invest money on sound security at reasonable interest. Just so! Note of hand of any respectable person sufficient. That's all right. Advance at a few hours' notice. Excellent! Let me see, the address is Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W. That sounds respectable enough. A penniless shark would hardly live there. By Jove, I'll write, and make an appointment at his own address, as he suggests.
[Does so, hopefully.
SCENE II.—Fitz-Guelph Mansions, W., at 11 A.M. Enter Impecunious Person, hurriedly.
Impecunious Person. Ah! I'm a little bit late, but here's the place sure enough, and that's the number. Fine house, too. Nothing sharkish about this, anyhow.
[Makes for No. 14, consulting his watch. On door-step encounters another person, also apparently in a hurry, and also consulting his watch. This person is perhaps a trifle shabby-genteel in attire, but genially pompous and semi-military in bearing. He makes as if to go, but stopping suddenly, stares at I.P., and addresses him.—
Ahem! I—a—beg pardon, I'm sure, but have you by any chance an appointment for 11 A.M. at this address, with a Mr. MUGSNAP?
I.P. Why—a—yes, as a matter of fact, I have.
Mr. Mugsnap. Quite so. And your name is SOFTSHELL?
I.P. Well—yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
Mr. Mugsnap (cheerily). Ah! that's all right. Well met, Mr. SOFTSHELL! (Produces letter.) This is yours, I fancy. The time was eleven sharp, and you're just seven minutes and a quarter behind. I was just off, for if I gave all my clients seven minutes and a quarter grace, I should lose about four hours a day, Sir. (Laughs jovially.) But no matter! Just step this way. (Produces latch-key.) But no, on second thoughts I won't go back. Unlucky, you know! We'll step across to the Wine Shades yonder, and talk our business over together with a glass of sound port, my boy. Best glass of port in London, BUMPUS sells, and as an old Army Man I appreciate it.
[They cross to "The Shades," where Mr. MUGSNAP wins upon his companion by his hearty style, and all difficulties in the way of "an early advance" are smoothed away in a highly satisfactory manner. A couple of references, of course, "just as a matter of form," and a couple of guineas for visiting them. Not an Inquiry Fee, oh! dear no, merely "expenses." Some people apply for a loan, and, when everything is arranged, actually decline to receive it! Must provide against that, you knew. Within three days at the outside, Mr. SOFTSHELL is assured, that money will be in his hands without fail. Meanwhile the "couple o' guineas" leave his hands, and Mr. MUGSNAP leaves him, hopeful, and admiring.
I.P. (strolling homeward). Very pleasant person, Mr. MUGSNAP. Quite a pleasure to deal with him. Sharks, indeed! How worthy people get misrepresented! By the way, though, there's one question I forgot to ask him. I'll just step back. Don't suppose he has gone yet.
[Returns to No. 14, Fitz-Guelph Mansions. Knocks, and is answered by smart and austere-looking Domestic.
I.P. Oh, just tell Mr. MUGSNAP I should like just one word more with him. Won't detain him a moment.
Austere Domestic. Mr. MUGSNAP! And who's Mr. MUGSNAP, pray? Don't know any sech persing.
I.P. Oh yes, he lives here. Met him, by appointment, only an hour ago. Hasn't he returned?
A.D. (emphatically). I tell you there ain't no Mr. MUGSNAP lives here at all.
I.P. Oh dear, yes! Stout gentleman—military appearance—white waistcoat!
A.S. (scornfully). Oh, him! I saw sech a party 'anging about suspiciously awhile ago, and spoke to the perliceman about him. But I don't know him, and he don't live here! [Shuts door sharply.
I.P. (perspiring profusely, as the state of things dawns upon him! ) Phew! I see it all. "A plant." That's why he met me on the door-step. Of course he doesn't live here at all. Gave a respectable address, and watched for me outside! And the sleek-spoken shark is gone! So are my two guineas!
[Retires a sadder, and a wiser man.