JUMBLES.

Truth to tell, I don't like neighbors. I do like civilization. The trouble is, neighbors are not always civilized. PUNCHINELLO will be impressed with the fact before becoming a single weekling. The first floor may be ever so nice, quiet, well-dressed, proper folks—but those dreadful musical people in the attic! I hate musical people; that is, when in the chrysalis state of learning. Practice makes perfect, indeed; but practice also makes a great deal of noise. Noise is another of my constitutional dislikes. If these matters must be divided, give me the melody, and whoever else will, may take the noise. The truth is, my dear PUNCHINELLO—and I may as well begin calling you what the public will do one of these early days—there is nothing like notes. But bank-notes are my weakness. My weakness in that direction is, I may confidently state, very strong. The ladies are not the only greenbacks that are accepted at sight; and acceptable to it. The bank on which I should like to dwell—do you not guess it?—is the auriferous National. Those musical neighbors-how they do play, though! But, to borrow from Mr. SLANG, my queer neighbor opposite, they have about played out. Our gentlemanly landlord—all landlords are so very gentlemanly, kind, good, and considerate—Mr. GRABB, says it don't pay to keep such tenants.
"Mr. GRABB, pay—pray, why don't it pay?" "Why, Mr. TODD, why, sir—because they don't pay. D'ye see it, Mr.
TODD?" Mr. TODD did see it. "Music hath charms," and all that fine thing; but it can't evidently charm
a landlord, as at present constructed, into the faith that the notes of a
fiddle, a clarionet, a bugle, or a trombone are negotiable at the corner
grocery, or in Wall and State streets. Going from bars to banks is a distance. But when I go anywhere, I like to
have it distant. The enjoyment is invariably greater. It saves my tailors,
hatters, restaurant keepers, and some others, the expense and trouble of
too much correspondence. Such isn't good for the brain—especially where it
is small, and easily overtaxed. "Distance lends enchantment to the view."
May I ask, is or was distance in the brokerage line that it lent
enchantment to the view? and what might possibly have been the conditions
on which the loan was made? The man who leaves his country for its (and
his) good has an especial fondness for the distant. The further off the
nearer he feels like home. Australia is an El Dorado—the antipodes a
celestial region. The intervening sea is one over which the most
penetrating of argus-eyed policemen or sheriffs, can not see. Australia—is
it not the land of gold? Who that has poached a pile does not gravitate
there, as the needle to the pole? Of course, I do not mean the
sewing-machine needle. Some people think California greater. I don't. The greatness of a country
does not in all cases turn on its great rogues. New-York and Washington may
not assent; but, Mr. PUNCHINELLO, isn't it so? These may give it character,
but of the sort nobody is anxious to carry in his pocket as a wedge by
which to enter good, genteel society. "Character," says a leading mind, "is
every thing." Quite true; and if of the right sort, will take a man
speedily to the noose. Biddy can get the most stunning of characters at the
first corner for half a week's wages or—stealings. As a general thing, I
don't believe in characters, and for the reason that a large portion of my
acquaintances—I go into society a great deal—do not appear to have a bit
of the article. They say it is unnecessary; that "society" don't demand it;
and that to have it is like travelling with baggage which is mere rubbish.
My elastic but excellent friend JENKINS says the only sense that can be put
on society market to practical advantage is the uncommon scamp. Common
sense, so-called, is a drug. Old Mr. MATTEROFACT—who heeds him or his?
He's always pushed into the corner, or crowded to the back seat. Sensible
people, the world being judges, are a mistake. They were born and educated
that way. They don't definitely belong anywhere. Trespassers, interlopers,
impertinents-why should they be tolerated? Doesn't CONGRESSMAN SURFACE, of
the Forty-fourth District, rule the roast? Isn't Mrs. SIMPLE the pattern
Woman of the Swell-Front avenue? Who so charming as Widow MILKWATER? Common
sense might have done once, but that was when the world was younger and yet
more old-fashioned. It isn't available now. Rust never shines. Out upon it,
or let it get out. The best place, I would suggest, is out of town—and in
the woods. Strangers always make people feel uncomfortable. Need I hint just now that it is Lent? Lent is suggestive. It suggests some
of my best books. Books are the best of friends. They are honest. They say
what they feel, and feel what they say. Like other blessings, too, they
often take to wings and fly; and it proves to be a fly that never returns.
A good book is a joy forever. The only sad thing about it is, that it keeps
lent all the time—not so much piously as profanely. Am I my brother's
keeper? No. But my brother is quite too often a keeper of mine—of mine own
choice authors. The best of friends are, of course—like the best of
steaks—rather rare. Like honest men they count only one in ten
thousand—an extremely small per cent in a commercial point of view.
Books—what should we do without them? What may we not do with them, if it
were not for the season of Lent? I am something of a politician. My friends do not think I am. But they are
prejudiced—friends always are. I go, on principle, for the greatest good
of the greatest number. You know that humble, initial figure. I confess to
a love of loaves and fishes. A nice French loaf, and a delicious salmon in
the suburbs of green peas—who wouldn't be a politician about that time? I
have run for office—and at least half a dozen times. But, bless you, I
never caught it. Some big, burly, brainless cur of a fellow was always
ahead of me. Very queer in politics—the less the head the more one gets
ahead. A head is little or nothing; but face, cheek, assurance—such is
much; is every thing. What are politics but audacity? what professions of
public good but pretences for private pap? I like politics. Politics,
however, don't seem to like me. I call myself a patriot; but, strangely
enough, or otherwise, I have never been called to fill a patriot's
office—say for $5000 and upward per year. As for a patriot's grave—it's a
fine thing, no doubt, but I have never regarded it as my "mission" to fill
that. It affects one's activity and usefulness, and cuts off going to
FECHTER BOOTH, Frou-Frou, the Twelve Temptations, and opera.
I declined all such honors during the war, and on principle; the principal
thing being that I had no taste for lead and iron. Iron, I know, is good
for the blood; but taken in bullets, it lessens instead of increases the
circulation. These metals are quite too much for a delicate stomach. Shells
as a drink I like; shells as bombs I do not like. They are
unhealthy. As a beverage I can surround it several times a day, and bless
the climate that grows it, and the cask that makes it. But of shells, as of
company, I prefer to make my choice. I, too, have my choice of office. I am
strong and can draw well. My forte is drawing salary. That may not
be the highest form of art, but it is unquestionably artful. Moreover, it
is the one mankind, if it could, would cultivate with the most assiduity.
It is the plaster every man would put to his back. As a politician I believe in myself first, my pocket second, my country
third. This platform is strong and satisfactory—at least to your friend, TIMOTHY TODD.