SPENCERIAN CHAFF.
BY A CONFIRMED GRAHAMITE.
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If, in the "opening" of my learnéd friend (Whose record I intend Most handsomely and warmly to defend,) You fancy that you now and then perceive A word or phrase one hardly can conceive Was uttered "by your leave;" If--going further in my supposition-- You fancy his condition In some respects was not above suspicion; If (Ah! there's virtue in an "if" sometimes-- As there may be in crimes,) You think it strange, what men will do for dimes; Why, it is plainly due To you, And noble SPENCER, too, That I should straightway boil with legal rage At such injustice, and at once engage To right the matter, on this virtuous page. I fear, my captious friend, (To speak the truth,) you do not comprehend The Majesty of Law! Of Reason it is clearly the Perfection! It is not merely Jaw! Great Heaven! (excuse the interjection,) If for this thing you have no greater awe, You need correction! Pray, do you fully realize, good Sir, The Legal is a Gentlemanly cur? True, we are sometimes forced to treat a Judge As though he were a plain American. But, fudge! He never minds; he's not a gentleman! True, it is now and then our legal lot To teach a stupid witness what is what, Or show that he (or she) Is rather worse than he (or she) should be; We find it necessary, Very, To blacken what we have no doubt is white, And whiten what is very black indeed. Agreed! But ask the Client what he thinks is right! He may not care to see us fairly fight, (It is not a pleasant sight,) Or hear us curse till all is black as night, For the whole Jury might perchance take fright; But he knows whether he is ably served! Stern Duty's line, he'll tell you (if he's bright) Is always either angular or curved. Now, pray, no bosh About the habit of defending crime Dulling the sensibilities in time! The theory won't wash! Once place my colleague on the other side, You'd say, This lawyer should be deified! Oh, what a conscience he would then reveal! Sinners would tremble at his dread appeal! You would perceive (At least, you would be ready to believe,) That, noting all the most abhorred deeds Known to our records, this affair must needs Be judged the blackest. Nothing like, since Cain. And then, again---- But, pshaw! coming to look at you, I see You're one of those odd folks who don't agree With any body. You are not to pass On these high questions; plainly, you're an ass. I'd like to have you on the stand a minute! You'd think the deuce was in it! I'd shake the humdrums out of you, I guess! You'd presently confess You thought that No was Yes. It's just your sort--provided there's no hurry-- We like to worry. In twenty minutes, Sir, you wouldn't know Your father from JIM CROW, Or your illiterate self from LINDLEY MURRAY! And now then, dunce, Please move your boots, at once! If 'twere not for some twinges of the gout, I'd kick you out! |
