THE WATERING PLACES.
PUNCHINELLO'S VACATIONS.
Last week Mr. PUNCHINELLO took a run over to Saratoga. He bought DISRAELI'S new novel to read in the cars, and he very soon made up his mind that if the book correctly described the tone of society in England, it is safe to say that it is low there.
Reaching the town of merry Springs and doleful Swallows, Mr. P. went straight to the house of the good LELANDS. When he got there he was amazed--he couldn't believe that that grand palace was the old "Union." But he soon reflected that it was the fashion, now-a-days, to reconstruct old Unions of every kind, and so it wasn't so surprising to his mind after he had got through with his reflections. But he couldn't help hoping that the fellows down at Washington, who were also at work on an old Union, would turn out as good a job as the LELANDS had. As soon as he got inside, Mr. P. summoned his friend WARREN, that they might consult together about his accommodations. There were plenty of vacant rooms, but Mr. P. made up his mind that he would prefer to take one of those delightful cottages in the court-yard. One of these was so much more gorgeous than the others, that Mr. P. chose it on the spot.
"Ah!--yes--" quoth the gentle WARREN, "I should be delighted, I'm sure, but that cottage is reserved especially for the Empress EUGENIE, who, you know, is expected here daily."
"Indeed!" said Mr. P. "If she is coming so soon, I could not, of course, keep it very long. So tell me, my good friend, for what trifling sum will you let me have this cottage till the Empress comes?"
Mr. LELAND gazed earnestly at Mr. P., and asked him what he thought of the Chinese question; and whether he believed that this would be a good year for corn. Then Mr. P. struck a bargain for a back-room in the seventh story of the right-hand tower.
Early the next morning Mr. P., like a conscientious man as he is, went to drink of the waters of the place. He had a strong belief, based upon experience, that he would not fancy any of the old springs, and so he tried a new one--the "Geyser."
Mr. P. stayed a good while at the Geyser. There happened to be a young lady there who insisted upon helping him to the water with her own lily hands--the boy might dip it up, but she must hand it to him--and she had such a way with her that he drank fifty-one glasses. When he came back to the hotel, and the good WARREN asked him what was the matter, he merely remarked:
"I'm a quiz, LELAND. If you choose, you may call me a Guy, sir."
Mr. P. got himself analysed that day by Dr. ALLEN, and he was found to consist principally of carbonate of Lime; Silicate of Potassa; Iodide of Magnesia; and Chloride of Sodium; with a strong trace of Sulphate of Strontia.
| At night, however, he was able to attend the hop in the grand saloon. For a time Mr. P. danced with one girl right along. A pretty girl she was, too, and the style of her dress showed very plainly that it was EUGENIE she was hoping to see at Saratoga, and not Madame OLLIVIER. Well, she had not danced with Mr. P. more than a couple of hours when she left him for a Pole--one of these wandering Counts that you always see at such places--a regular hop-Pole, in fact. Mr. P. got very angry at this insult, and if he had had his way he would have had the fellow partitioned off--like his beloved country. He was so wrathy, indeed, that when the hop was over he started on an Arctic expedition, but he had the same luck as KANE, HALL, and the other fellows. He never saw that Pole. After this, Mr. P. thought he would keep away from the ladies--but it was of no use to think. There is a something about Mr. PUNCHINELLO--but it matters not--suffice it to say that he went out buggy riding the next day with ANNA DICKINSON on the Lake road. The horse he drove had belonged to LEONARD JEROME--he was out of "Cash" by "Thunder," and he had sold him to the livery-man here. He was called a "two-forty," but when he began to go, Mr. P. was of the opinion that a musician would have considered his style entirely too forte. They had not ridden more than half way to BARHYTE'S, before Mr. P. began to feel his arm bones coming out. But the "Princess of the Platform" was delighted. |
"Why, you're a capital fellow, Mr. PUNCHINELLO," she cried. "There's nothing slow or fogeyish about you. You ought to be on the Revolution, now that TILTON is putting live people there."
"I shall be a tiltin' myself, and on a revolution too," said Mr. P., "if this confounded horse don't slack up."
"Why, what do you mean?" said Miss D.
"I mean we shall upset," said he.
"He's got his head too much your side," screamed Miss D. "Hadn't you better pull on the left string?"
"No, I hadn't," yelled Mr. P., as the horse commenced to run.
"But I think you had," cried she. "Don't you believe that women are naturally as capable of understanding and determining what laws will be as equitable, and what measures as effective to those ends, as men?"
"No, I don't!" cried Mr. P., sawing away at the horse's mouth, and beginning to make a little impression upon it.
"You should pull that left leather string!" she cried again. "Don't I know? How dare you make sex a ground of exclusion from the possession and exercise of equal rights!" and with this, she made a grab at the left rein.
It is of no use entering into further particulars of this ride. Towards evening, Mr. P. and his companion returned to Saratoga and delivered to the livery-man his equipage--that is, what was left of it.
That evening, Mr. P. was sitting in his room, very busy over a new conundrum for his paper. He had got the answer all right, but to save his life, he could not get a question to suit it. While he was thus puzzling his brains, there came a knock at the door, and to him entered the Hon. JOHN MORRISSEY.
"Good evenin', P.," says JOHN, taking, at the same time, a seat, and one of Mr. P.'s Partagas. "I want you to do something for me."
"And what is it?" said Mr. P., with a benevolent smile.
"Why, you see," said the Hon. JOHN, "I'm very busy just now--the commencement of the season, you know--and I would like you to serve in my place for a while."
"Why, Congress will soon adjourn now!" said Mr. P.
"Oh, yes!" said MORRISSEY, "but I'm on a committee which must serve in the recess. Me and BILL KELLEY are the two chaps appointed as a committee to weigh all the pig-iron that has been imported in the last year, and to see if the gover'ment hasn't been swindled, in either the deal or the play. Now you see that ain't in my line at all, and as soon as I heard you were here, I thought you were the man to take my place."
"I'm sorry," said Mr. P., "but really, JOHN, I haven't the time. It's a sort of committee of ways and means, isn't it?"
"Well," said JOHN, "a fellow weighs, that's true; and the whole business is mean enough. But if you can't take hold of it, we'll say no more about it. Come on down with me to my place and have some supper."
"Your place!" said Mr. P. "Have you a place here?"
"Yes, sir," said the Congressman, "a bully club-house, and it's paid for too; and if you'll come along I'll give you a hearty welcome and some good cigars--and not dime ones, either," added he, throwing away the greater part Mr. P.'s Partaga.
The personal property of Mr. PUNCHINELLO consisted principally of U. S. 5.20 coupon bonds of 1868; Chicago and Northwestern--preferred; Hannibal and St. Joseph--1st mortgage bonds; a heavy deposit of bullion, mostly gold bars; and Ashes in inspection ware-house, both pots and pearls.
When, early the next morning, he left the club-house of his friend, the Congressman, he was still the proud owner of his Ashes--both pots and pearls.
Saratoga is too expensive a place for a long sojourn, and Mr. P. left the next day.