CRISPIN vs. COOLIE.
For CRISPIN, old CRISPIN, patron saint of all cordwainers, Mr. PUNCHINELLO has a profound respect. When still a young man, (A.D. 1125,) he was well acquainted with the venerable gentleman; and the very beautiful pair of shoes which Mr. P. wears when in full costume, (vide his portrait on the title page,) were heeled and tapped for him by the hands of CRISPIN himself. They are still in excellent order, although, in these very shoes, Mr. P. walked his celebrated match against Time, beating that swift old party and doing his 1000 miles in 24 h., 12 m., 30 s. Between Mr. P. and shoes there is a well-marked resemblance. The shoe has a sole and he has a soul; the shoe is both useful and ornamental, and so is he; the shoe has an upper, and Mr. P.'s motto is, "Upper and still up." In fact, he is so well satisfied with his understanding, that he would not stand in any other man's shoes for any consideration; and so long as the CRISPINS will make him fits which are not convulsions, and will sew in a way which shall produce no crop of corns, and remind him, by the neatness of their work, of Lovely PEGGY, it is the intention of the Senor PUNCHINELLO to patronize the Native American awl altogether.
For JOHN Chinaman also, the Herr VON PUNCHINELLO has a great admiration. He never takes tea, having been advised by his physician to drink nothing but lager-bier, with an occasional beaker of rum, gin, or brandy, or Monongahela, or whatever may be handy on the shelf. Nevertheless, as an admirer of the fair sex, 'Squire PUNCHINELLO believes in Old Hyson and Hyson Jr., in Oolong and Bohea, in Souchong and Gunpowder, in Black and Green; and if there were Scarlet or Yellow or Blue Teas, Col. PUNCHINELLO would equally admire, steep, sweeten and sip them. Nor is Dr. PUNCHINELLO less an admirer of the explosive fire-cracker, sent to us by JOHN, to assist us in the preservation of our liberties. The Hon. Mr. PUNCHINELLO declines dogs (in pies,) and opium (in pipes,) nor can he say whether he approves of bird's nests (in porridge,) as he has never eaten any, and never wants to; although he is, in his way, an acknowledged Nestor. But still, Prof. PUNCHINELLO wishes JOHN well, if for no other reason, at least out of respect for his old friend CONFUCIUS, with whom, some years ago, he was extremely intimate--many of the finest things in the books of that venerable sage having been suggested to him by Don PUNCHINELLO.
The reader, therefore, (if he is of an acute turn of mind,) will easily perceive that two distinct emotions fill the bosom of plain Mr. P., and are hitting out at each other with extreme liveliness. He desires for the Crispins all the wages they can manage to get. He desires for his friend HI-YAH, a boundless growth of the pig-tail of prosperity; and the only question is whether this is a vegetable, the growth of which should be encouraged upon the Yankee Doodle soil. As probably the most profound Political Economist of this or any other age, after a week's tremendous thinking upon this subject, after having a thousand times resolved to give it up, Mr. P. has received the following letter from North Adams, Mass., which he hastens to lay before his readers:
Exactly so! Right, JOHN, perfectly right! Our views, exactly! Our mutual friend, Prof. WHANG-HO, of the University of Pekin, couldn't have put it more neatly. But don't you think, if you are coming to America at all, that it would be well to come as the rest come, without selling yourself, body, soul and pig-tail, to some shrewd Dutch driver, like KOOPMANSCHOOP, for instance? O JOHN, my Joe JOHN! When you do come, let it be to freeze to the American Eagle, and with a firm determination to make him your own beloved bird! When you work, be sure that you get the worth of your work! No chains and slavery, anything like them! And especially no nonsense about being sent back in your coffin to the Central Flowery Kingdom. A country which is good enough to live in, is good enough to be buried in.
And what is this missive which we have received through the post, and which we have since kept locked up in a powder-proof safe?
O ye beloved children of CRISPIN! why send to us these mysterious, manslaughterous and mortal hieroglyphics? Of course you don't mean to kill Mr. P., and even if you did, you couldn't do it, for the great P. is one of the immortals. Neither, if you will but stop to think about it, will you molest poor HI-YAH because he wears a tail and eats dog-cutlets fried in crumb. Before you indulge in the luxury of murder, or even the minor divertisements of mobbing, ducking, hustling, and stoning, why not try the expedient of making it up with the Bosses?
Mr. PUNCHINELLO has thought of visiting North Adams, Lynn, and other shoe-sites, for the purpose of offering the help of his eminently judicial mind in reconciling Employer and Employé; but fearing that he might get his nose (which is a beautiful and dignified protuberance) most shamefully pulled for his pains, he has concluded to keep the peace by keeping out of the scrimmage. But, as there never was a misunderstanding yet which time and common sense could not clear up, Mr. P. contents himself with exhorting the Bosses to be considerate, the Crispinians to be reasonable, and JOHN Chinaman to cut off his tail, whatever natural tears its loss may occasion.