HE INTERVIEWS AN OLD SETTLER.--A REMARKABLE NARRATIVE.
While in New York, a few days sints, I was standin' in the reer of the old City haul, gazin' onto the unfinished marble bildin' which stands there.
My eye gobbled up the seen afore me, like a young weesel a suckin' of eggs,--when an old rinkled-featured--silver-haired and snowy-beerded individual touched me on the sholder, and interogated me thuswisely:
"Stranger, you seem to be stuck to make out what that ere unfinished bildin' is."
"Kerzaclee, old Hoss," sed I, "and I wouldent mind standin' the Lager to find out."
"Come with me to yonder pile of stuns," sed the old feller, "and I will relate a tail, which, for its mysteriousness, ukers the kemikle analersis of a plate of bordin' house hash."
"Wall, old METHUSELER," sed I, as our legs was danglin' over the pile of stuns, "onwind your yarn, but don't let your immaginashun go further than a Bohemian's."
He then began the follerin' histry:
"In anshient times there was a Filosifer. HORRIS GREELEY was his cognovit.
"He was Editor of a daily noosepaper. He took it into his nozzle one day to rite some essays 'on what he knowed of farmin,' which he was about as well posted on as a porpoise is about climbin' a tree.
"One day this Jerkt farmer, by brevet, writ an artikle about irrigation.
"He told farmers that, in dry seasons, if they dammed the little streems which crossed their farms, the water would set back, and overflow their land, and keep their garden sas sozzlin' wet, and make things grow bully.
"He was a great advocate of Dams.
"He useter become so absorbed in his favorite pastime, that a feller man, if he irritated the Filosifer, became small streems pro temper, and were dammed pooty sudden."
"What, you don't mean to say that an Editor swore in them days?" sed I, interuptin' the old man.
"They occashunly took a hand in that ere biziness, and when they got onto a fit, could cuss and swear ekal to the beet of us," sed he.
"Wall," sed I, "I thought they was all good moral men, like THEODORE TILTON & ANNER DICKINSON."
"Oh! no," he replide. "Editors in them days use to fat up on swearin'".
He then resumed, "Farmers throughout the land tride H.G.'s. dammin' ways.
"They dammed all the streams, and anybody who didn't like their stile of doin' things got sarved in the same manner. The consequents was, their was a flood--yes sir, a flood.
"Brooklin, Jarsey and Hoboken ferry-botes was swamped, and the passengers all drowned.
"To be a corroner them times was money in a feller's pocket, as the inquest biziness was the best biziness agoin' outside of any well-organized Ring.
"Only one bote lode was saved.
"JIM FISK, who was always on the look-out for a muss, was long-headed enough to own that craft.
"It was run by Captin NOAH, who Know-ed what was coming. NOAH took his family abord, and as he owned a menagerie, he took all of his wild animals abord to, besides the members of the Press, who kept their papers posted of the doin's abord that Ark.
"In about 40 days time, ev'ry dammed stream busted away, and the waters dride up. And the boat ran ashore and got stuck fast, in one of them new-fashioned tar pavements.
"The Common Counsel invited NOAH and his fokes to a Lager bier garden and treated them to a banket, at the Sity's expense.
"NOAH, who liked his soothin' sirup, got drunker than a sensashun preacher, on gin and milk, an orthodox drink them times.
"He finally went to sleep in the gutter, after undressin' hisself and hangin' all his close on a lamp-post.
"HAM, a son of Captin NOAH'S, diskiverin' his confused parient in a soot rather more comfortable than modest, was so mortified at his Dad's nakedness, that the mortificashun become sot, and when NOAH awoke from his soberin' off sleep, his son was blacker than the ace of spades.
"NOAH didn't like niggers.
"Not much he didn't.
"He hated 'em wusser nor a Pea cracker hates a Fenian.
"Seein' that his cheild had changed his political sentiments, he Horris Greelyzed him in the follerin' well-known words:
"Cussed be Kanan.'
"HAM wasent to be fooled in that stile by the Govenor, so he got BUTLER, whose surname was BENJAMIN, into whose sack was found a silver cup, and I believe a few spoons, SICKLES, LOGAN, LONGSTREET, and a lot of other chaps, to change their complexion. With the assistants of these men, NOAH and his party was floored, and the 15th Amendment waxed mitey and strong, espeshally with the mercury at one hundred degrees in the shade.
"Fokes was gettin' wicked and wickeder all the time.
"Members of Congress was drawin' the wool over the Goddess of Liberty's eyes, and rammin' their hands way down into her purse. Cadetships were bein' sold to the highest bidder.
"One day the wise men of Gotham sed one to another:
"'Let us bild us a tower which H.G. can't flood, if he dams from now till dooms-day.'
"A big injun took the contract. As OOFTY GOOFT, a dutch German, remarkt,
"'He vash got Tam-many oder braves to give him a boosht.'
"Street pavements were laid on 5th avenoo, which the wind took up, and the air smelt like a mixture of cold tar and Scotch snuff.
"Bulls and Bears of Wall street had a day of Egypshun darkness; it was called Black Friday.
"'Shoo-fly' was sung in our nashunal Councils.
"Banks were robbed, and Judges went snucks with the robbers.
"Men got on fits of temper-ary insanity and clubbed their wives over the head or popped off editors with a 6 shooter.
"Virtous and respectable ladies were Spencerized in the Halls of Gustise, and the 12 temptashuns was drawin' crowded houses."
"See here, old man," sed I, "hain't you pilin' on the agony rather too thick?"
"Facts, Squire," sed he, "trooth is stronger than frickshun."
"About these times," he continered, "things was becomin' slitely mixed.
"The different tribes cooden't suck cider through the same straw any more.
"There was a confusion of tongues and a mixin' of contracts. The great Sachem and the Young Democracy had each other by the ear, while the Big Injun was bound to scratch his assailers bald headed.
"In this Reign of High Daddyism, the Young Democracy was scalpt, and that ere bildin' afore us, the great tower of Babel, come to a dead stand still, because the poletishuns coodent understand each other, and fokes dident know where the money was all gone to."
The old man paused.
I sprung to my feet.
"And this," I exclaimed, "is the mitey Babel? Wood that I possessed some of the fortins which has been made on thee. Wood that I was a contracter," sed I, awed in presence of the great bildin' which caused so many to sin.
In my enthusiasm I bust forth in that well-known Him:
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"I want to be a contracter, And with contracters share." |
After I got cooled down I looked for the old man, and sure's your born he had wrigged off. I took a Bee line for a naborin' Refreshment stand, and cooled my excited brane with a fride doenut.
Adux, PUNCHINELLO.
Ewers and so 4thly,
HIRAM GBEEN, Esq, Lait Gustise of the Peece.