HOW JENKINS WENT SUMMERING.
A LYRICAL DRAMA.
Played with immense success at the summer residence of Gen. GRANT, at Long Branch, for one thousand and two nights.[2]
ACT I.
Scene.--Bed-room in attic of seventh-class boarding-house. Furniture, a bed, two chairs, and a table. The table is ornamented with a cup of coffee, a loaf of bread, and a plate of hash; knife, et cetera. (Enter from the adjoining hall, MR. JENKINS CRUSOE, dressed in a tattered morning wrapper.)
JENKINS. (Loq.) Phew! I can't stand this hot weather. I must go into the country. But where shall I go?[3] (Sings:)
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If I'm any judge of the weather, The days are refreshingly hot, Though one place's as good as another, I think I'll get out of this spot; But where shall I go? Where shall I go? Where shall I go For the summer? |
(Looks at table.) Ha, ha! Ho, ho! My breakfast will be cold. (Reflectively.) I guess I'll eat. (Sits down and hurts the hash.)
(Enter washerwoman, shoemaker, servant-girl, and hatter. They dance around the table, like English blondes.) (All sing:)
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Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE, Why did you go for to do so? JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE. |
SERVANT GIRL. (Sings.) Pay for the floor I have scrubbed, sir.
WASHERWOMAN. " Pay for the clothes I have rubbed, sir.
HATTER. " Pay for the hats you have worn, sir.
SHOEMAKER. " Pay for the boots that are gone, sir.
(All sing:)
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Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE, Why did you go for to do so? JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! JENKINS! Poor old JENKINS CRUSOE. |
(JENKINS rises from the table and sings:)
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I've a castle in Spain, Filled with ingots of gold, I've a mine in Golconda, Whose wealth is untold. Then dry up your tears, Come out of your sorrow, I'll pay what I owe, I'll pay you to-morrow, I'll pay you to-morrow, All that I owe. |
(Servant-girl et al. dance "Shoo Fly," and sing:)
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We feel, we feel, we feel, We feel like a young typhoon; We hope, we hope, we hope, We hope you'll be paying soon. |
(Exeunt Servant-girl, et al.)
JENKINS. (Loq.) Well, come soon. Now I must go. I hate to cheat the provider of that seventh-class hash, but I must beat on somebody. Well, let them all come, and devil take the hindmost. I'll pack my valise. (Puts things in his valise. Sings:)
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It's rich that I am, am I not? Just look at the fixings I've got; Here's a brush, here's a comb, Both are for fixing my dome, A tooth-brush and collar, that's all, My baggage's conveniently small. |
JENKINS. (Loq.) That valise is too thin. No landlord would take me on that. It's consumptive-looking. I'll fill it with newspapers. Here, this will do, this triple-sheet Tribune, with Mrs. MCFARLAND'S epistle. That'll fill it. (Shoves paper in valise.) Now for my hat and coat. (Puts them on.) Off I go. (Sings:)
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I'm off, I'm off, I'm off for Long Branch, I'll have a jolly old time, I'll have a jolly old time, I'll bathe in the surf, I'll ride on the turf, Dance with the girls, Steal all their pearls, And have a jolly old time. |
(Exit JENKINS)
Curtain
[Footnote 1: Must not be confounded with "Surf.">[
[Footnote 2: The reader will notice that this drama was more popular than the Arabian Nights, which only ran for one thousand and one nights.]
[Footnote 3: The music of these songs can be purchased at Timbuctoo.]
ACT II.
Scene.--Steamboat landing. Real steamboat, real landing, real water, real smoke coming out of a real chimney on the steamboat. Real captain and real passengers. (It is understood that there is to be no make-believe about the fares.) A real chambermaid in the back cabin would add to the effectiveness of the scene, but is not an absolute necessity.
[The author would here say that he has a proper respect for the auxiliaries of the stage, and, in a scene, which belongs to the stage carpenter, the author would be cruel If he marred the effects of the scenery by mere words. He therefore uses as little of those superfluities as possible. In a nautical scene of course some words will slip in, which it would be improper to print, but as that is chicken (the polite for foul) language, the author, of course, is not responsible for it.]
As the curtain rises, real women with real oranges parade the dock, singing:
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Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy! Hark, as we holler, Six for a dollar, Come buy our sweet oranges, come buy! |
Real scream from steam whistle. JENKINS obeys the orange-women, and goes By on a run. Steamboat leaves wharf-twenty-two feet out in stream, when JENKINS reaches string-piece. Grand and terrific jump by JENKINS, twenty-two feet in the clear. He lands on the steamer, and all the sailors shout.
Curtain
[As in a realistic scene one must stick to reality, you will notice that I made JENKINS leap twenty-two feet, which is, I am informed, the exact space jumped over by the father of his country on a festive occasion.]
(I would say to the young man who objects to carpenter scenes, that he can go out during this act and indulge in his favorite beverage--gin and milk.)
ACT III.
Scene.--Lawn in front of Continental Hotel at Long Branch. Enter JENKINS, disguised in a second-hand silk hat, and a claw-hammer coat, with a hand-organ on his back. He stops before one of the windows, grinds the hand-organ, and sings:
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Gaily the troubadour Touched his or-gan, As he came staggering Home with a can-- |
(Numerous heads put out of numerous windows.)
[As all the following are said at the same moment, the reader is here requested to take a long breath.]
1st Window. Stop that howling!
2d " Dry up, you idiot!
3d " Cork that organ!
4th " Bust that music-box!
(And so on, ad infinitum, until all the supes are used up; the supes can probably supply their own language of the above kind.)
(Windows shut. Enter JULIETTE, from window.)
JENKINS. Fair JULIETTE!
JULIETTE. Beautiful JENKINS!
JENKINS. Lovest thou CRUSOE? (She rests on his bosom.)
JENKINS. But SNUBS, the widower? Ha, Ha! Ho, Ho!
JULIETTE. (Sings:)
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I never loved him in my life, I never loved his baby, I'll slip out some dark night, And marry JENKINS, maybe. |
JENKINS. (Sings:)
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Pretty maid, if I kiss, Will you faint away, Will you cry for your pa, Pretty maiden, say? If I press dainty lips, Will you make a screech? If you do, I'll away, And you cannot peach. Pretty maid, do not faint, Charming little belle, Mind you now, pretty maid, Do not kiss and tell. |
(He charges upon her lips and then returns to the charge.)
JULIETTE. (Sings:)
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You are going far away, Far away from poor JULIETTE, And there's no one left to love me now, I fear you'll too forget. |
(Just at this moment, enter Heavy Father, and kicks JENKINS, Heavy Father then seizes JULIETTE and leads her into house. JENKINS skedaddles.)
Enter JENKINS at side, looks carefully around, and finding the coast clear, comes in, slings the organ on his back, and sings:
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I went, I went, As meek as any lamb, He took me, yes, he took me For some other man. |
Curtain.
(The manager should have the curtain in hand, because the last pathetic song of JENKINS will no doubt be encored.)
Errata.--Before the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words "will be."
After the word "played," in the fifth line, insert the words, "if it is ever played at all."
LOT.
