HIRAM GREEN WRITES TO NAPOLEON.
HIS OPINION OF THE CAUSE OF THE WAR--REVIEWS THE LATE WAR FOR THE UNION--A FEW SUGGESTIONS.
SKEENSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT, July--18 Seventy.
FREND LEWIS:--How does the Emperor bizzness pay about these times?
Wouldn't you rather be door-keeper in some well payin' Circus, than rool on the Thrown of Frants about now?
Haint your present birth enuff to occashunly make a man forgit the 3rd Commandment, and use Congreshunal langwige freely?
I see, by the papers, you're up on your mussle, and are about to cave in Prushy's head, unless Prushy nocks you out of time.
You've got a very ingenious brain, my friend.
What you don't know, DANIEL WEBSTER never rote in his Dickshunary.
Feelin' bad about BENDITTY gettin' his smell-o-factory snubbed by King WILLIAM, haint what you got up this ere war for.
I can see through your little dodge, my Royal friend.
Things was gettin' too warm for your Imperial top-knot.
Them little jewels, which rested upon your brow, didn't set easy, and was makin' Corns on your figger head.
Your subjects was spilin' for a fite--and as sure as your borned, nothin' but a forrin war would keep you from follerin' in the footsteps of LEWIS the 16th, and keep the Boneypart Die-nasty on its pins.
A good chance turnin' up, you got up a nasty war, so the Prints Imperial would die off of the Thrown.
"Eh! how's that for Hi'?"
Yes, LEWIS, you are a bitter pill to swaller, and no mistake.
I, the Lait Gustise says so.
Us folks over here hain't so much on the war as we was. We've had our stomack full of war.
Nootrality is what ales us jist now, altho' I must confess we don't go quite so heavy on it as England did doorin' our family quarrel. England was so afrade she couldn't preserve her nootrality alone, that she fitted up the Alabarmy to help her. And some other folks I know of was so fast to perserve her nootrality, that she came over to Mexico so as to be near bye to do it, but if this court hain't laborin' under a teckinal error a few Pea-crackers traded off their soger overcotes for white pine ones. And the rest of 'em scratched gravel pooty lively for lay bell France.
I'm afrade I can't jerk soft sawder when I git hold of a goose quil. Guess not.
When you kill off all your present army, you must git up a draft.
When we had our war here, a man who didn't stand his little draft didn't amount to shucks. Altho' we had more cripples and able-bodied loonatics here them times, than since. The enthusiasm got up to that pitch, that when an enrolling officer would pass down the streets, crowds would rush after him, and with tears in their eyes and a $300 bill in their hand, beg the enrolling officer to let them die for their blessed country--by sendin' a substitoot. Patriotism ran so high, that altho' a man hadn't a dollar to his back or a shirt in his pocket, he marched gallantly to the war meetins, and voted to assess his rich nabor to raise money for the purpose of buyin' substitoots with which to prosecute the war.
Them was the times as tride men's soles, and made the shoomakers laff, who done the toppin'.
Jumpin' bounties paid them times.
The bold patriot and able-bodied hero who couldn't jump his two bounties a week, beside his bord and washin', wasn't warmed by the fires of 1776.
Yes, sir; the self-sacrificing contractor, doorin' that eventful period, by cuttin' down the poor sewin' wimmen's wages, partriotically furnished the Government a superior lot of pastebord shoes for $27.00 a pair, and a nice cool shoddy overcote for $97.00 apiece.
Having received the reward of a gratefool country, he is resting from his patriotick labors at Saratogy or Long Branch.
Seein' that you have got a war on your hands, I hope it will pay better than your Plebiscotum, altho' I don't know whether that 'ere article resembles a bile or a brick meetin' house.
I understand you have mobolized your army.
My advice is to unmobilize 'em again, and get 'em in line.
I don't believe in mobs.
They are apt to get mixed, and popp off each other.
Millingtery disipline is a commander's best holt.
Little FILL SHERIDAN is comin' over to see you fite.
FILLIP is a plucky little cuss. He allers used to fite in the Calvary.
I don't believe he likes Infant-ry, for he remains onmarried.
If "Old 20 miles away" calls on you, tell him I've got a gal, smarter'n a 2 year colt, he can have by the askin'. She's a good cook, and can do up a shirt el commee faw, and you know what that is, better'n I do.
Don't appint your wife Re-gent. It will be a sorry day for you, if you do.
I appinted Mrs. G. in that position durin' the Honey moon of our wedded life, and the old gal has hung onto the Specter ever since, and she wields it with a cast-iron hand. As somebody says:
Give a woman an inch, and you'll get 'el.
Remember your grate uncle.
He was a able sojer, and could worry down hard tack and mule beef ekal to the best of 'em.
But Waterloo ukered the old man, and the "Head of the army" pegged out at Saint Heleny.
Look out that his nefew don't get served ditto.
As I've writ you considerable on public affairs, I will addres you a few lines on private ones.
Mrs. GREEN would like to borrow a new fashioned caliker dress pattern of UGEENY.
MARIAR bought a ticket in a church lottery, and drew a new fast collers caliker.
Would you have her make it up with a pancake attached to back of it, or would you put a pendelum on it?
She thought of having it scolloped, but in hot weather scollops are apt to spile unless cookt, and I think a roosh of oyster shells would be rather more distangue.
My wife makes all her own dresses; but I suppose, as you get good wages, like as not your woman has some one to do the fittin', while she runs up the seams on a sewin' machine.
Take good care of yourself.
Don't drink ice water this hot weather without temperin' it with brandy. When "this cruel war is over" come and see us, and believe me, my dear Imperial rooler--duke of the Empire--and master of the royal Household of Frog Eaters,
Ewers:
HIRAM GREEN, ESQ.,
Lait Gustise of the Peece.
