MR. PUNCH AND TOBY IN CENTRAL AFRICA.
truggle through the jungle; hardships beginning. Black-legs, engaged owing to strike amongst Dokkas, or native porters, fast dwindling, owing to energetic picketing with poisoned arrows from behind trees by small brown dwarfs. Pursued one, and after boxing his ears severely, dismissed him with threat of telling his mother. Jungle almost impassable. All heavier baggage sent on to Central Africa by Parcels Delivery. After four days' wandering, the Lady Guide, who had been represented as "thoroughly conversant with the district," began to cry and said she had lost the path. Dismissed her on the spot, paying her return fare, though under no legal obligation to do so. Really too ridiculous to attempt to conduct a party through the Dark Continent with nothing but an ordnance map of Epping Forest! Long and fruitless search for track; fortunately, just as despair reached climax, met a Koppah (or native policeman) and asked him—turned out to be only just round the corner.
On the main road again; Passed a native caravan of nomad Djipsis. Bought a hearth-brush and door-mat. At mid-day, took the sun with portable camera. Sun moved and spoilt negative. Made some observations.
Reached native village—N'yutoihigama. Much struck by native method of ascending palms for cocoa-nuts, carrying letters, wrestling, &c. Visited King Mahbul of Pigzinklovaland. Much interested by efforts of King with his three favourite wives, all under influence of Pombé or palm-beer, to roll into royal kraal.
On again; progress obstructed by the Nekkids of Nuffintowara, who seemed bent on giving battle. Sent messenger to King with present of shirt-studs, after which allowed to pass unharmed. Further on, stopped by band of Grimi-Grubbas, who evidently meant being nasty. Called to them pleasantly in native tongue, "Cheke-bobo-nangu-yanzi-toorali?" (Good-morning, have you used Scours' Soap?) Found they hadn't, and presented them with a packet, also with brushes and other articles of the toilette, of which they were in great need.
Came to open space near N'yumarkiti. Saw some Darckorsis running in and out of brushwood in highly suspicious manner. Found on inquiry that they were only "out for an airing" not "on the job." Much relieved. Conference with King M'rora of the Wezijiji tribe; trumpets sounded as soon as he was done.
Discovered large river of colour of strong green tea. Named it the Sir Wilfrid Lawson. Entered territory of the Rumboozi people. Their king, Mopzanbrumzi, offering his services as guide. Mopsanbrumzi most cordial, but much too drunk to be of any material assistance. Once powerful intellect now, alas! degraded. Made a long speech in the Ikkupi dialect—quite unintelligible. Mopzanbrumzi presented with a small tin of Royal Mail Red Paint, with which, when the expedition left, he was proceeding to decorate the vicinity.
On the lagoon. An adventure befell Toby, which, but for prompt action, might have had fatal termination; Toby mistook open mouth of hippopotamus for drain, and rushed down in search of rat. Hippopotamus closed mouth, with expression intimating plainly that "No contributions can be returned unless accompanied by stamps and directed wrapper." Toby's barking inside fainter. At length remembered having brought Report of Parnell Commission for private reading. Read Report to Hippopotamus slowly, until symptoms of weariness observable in huge pachyderm. Read on, and hippopotamus yawned; whereupon whistled to Toby, who ran up, not much the worse, except that frill had lost every vestige of colour.
Engaged native interpreter, as no conversation manuals published for countries in this district. Excellent fellow—clean, strictly honest, total abstainer; only one blemish—not discovered till later—a bit of a cannibal when he got the chance. Sent him on to announce our arrival to the Dilli-dillis, but found none in the neighbourhood when we came up—only some things which he said were fossils. Made no comment, but resolved to send them to Professor Huxley, and see what his opinion is.
Among the Bong Booshis; despatched Cannibal Interpreter to report; he returned, wiping his mouth, and announcing that they were "most agreeable, excellent, good people."
Could not understand why they all hid underground at our approach, and why the King so persistently sent word that he was not at home. Told Interpreter that, in our opinion, he was a little deficient in tact. Sent him to treat with a native chief, called Phatti, and had the mortification this time of surprising him in the act; no denial possible—he had his mouth full at the time! Told him that, if this occurred again, we should be exceedingly annoyed. Cannibal Interpreter penitent; lent him tract, Why I Became a Vegetarian, over which he shed tears.
Came to the M'yusikauli District. King Lessi came to meet us, and offered Mr. Punch a free pass over his domains. In the evening a grand performance, partly in our honour, partly to celebrate recent triumph over the G'yudi-g'yudis, who, under their chief Makdoogalla, had been waging war against the M'yusi-kaulis on the pretext that they were assuming an offensive demeanour. Heard afterwards that both sides claimed victory, but truce declared for a year. Performance magnificent—but much too long. Native dances by Ikika girls in pairs. T'seriokomiks and T'songandanzas also gave curious exhibitions of their powers. Hackiribats and Kunjeras (or native magicians) performed. A wild, weird, lurid scene, strange and fascinating—but a trifle slow.
In Ugoweh; met some Gitalongdo girls, but could not succeed in persuading them to enter into conversation.
On the River; saw Krûs practising in long canoes, and got out of their way. Descended cataracts; shot several rapids, and sent them home to be stuffed.
Came to Desert, and hired camel to go across on, (N.B. These animals are styled "Back-tryin"—which they are.) Only eighteen-pence an hour, which would have been reasonable enough, but quite impossible to sit out more than nine-penn'orth. Decided to take an ostrich for remainder of journey. Softer to sit. Ostrich a failure; ran for five hours in a circle, at express speed, and then suddenly turned shy, and buried its head in sand, without the slightest notice; foolish habit for any bird to acquire. Determined to try a quagga—quagga tried me, and very soon found me wanting, A quagga is a brute to buck! After all, came back to my old wooden mount—spot better than stripes, any day.
In the Jungle again. Discovered Colony of Highly-educated Anthropoid Apes. Lent them some copies of Punch, which are indispensable to all African travellers. Apes delighted—one large gorilla quite hysterical with laughter. Much gratified—till discovery that it was the advertisements which amused them most. Sense of humour of apes much exaggerated.
Reached the Kit'ldrumma District. Natives hostile at first; war-drums sounded incessantly. Fortunately fond of music, so easily pacified them by playing selection from "Tannhäuser," arranged for drum and panpipes by Liszt. Toby taking violent fancy to a "Spottiduff," or native dog, Spottiduff vanishing mysteriously shortly before dinner; find this animal considered a great dainty in this locality. Toby inconsolable.
Among the Ustingis. Received with great ceremony by their king—Chesipara. Palm wine (corked) handed round in liqueur glasses. Dinner beastly. Chesipara saying repeatedly that he "made no stranger of me"—he will, though, for the future. Exchange of presents. Gave Chesipara a silver-mounted dressing case (bankrupt stock—a bargain), a handsome coloured supplement, Muzzer's Darling (given away with Christmas Number of Timon), a microscope (object-lens missing—but he'll never miss it), a plated fish-slice, and a pair of nut-crackers. Chesipara, after a good deal of parade, presented me with a bunch of very indifferent bananas, and a brass collar, belonging to one of his wives, whom he had had killed on purpose! Told him, with much emotion, that I should never forget it.
Reached the Centre of Africa; found that luggage had not been forwarded after all! Had to borrow a clean shirt from Kollamangel chief, promised to return it on arrival at Coast. Difficulty with Tippoo-Tip of the Blackmaïlas, who refused to allow Mr. Punch to pass without tribute. Pacified him with palm butter and reached coast without further incident.
After leaving Tippoo-Tip, he continued his journey through the Colonies. Now he was taking tiffin in Calcutta, and a few minutes later found everyone asleep at Montreal. Christmas seemed to him to be being kept in Melbourne in the most sultry weather, and New Year's Day in Cape Colony was observed as a Midsummer festival. He had a general impression of constant change and constant improvement. The spirit of the mighty English Race seemed to be falling upon the world like a ray of glorious sunshine. This ray of light was continually increasing and beating back the darkness. And, as the Sage travelled through the air, he found everywhere content. It mattered not who the natives might be, they had but one flag, the Union Jack, one sovereign, the Empress-Queen Victoria!
"Rule Britannia!" cried Mr. Punch, enthusiastically. "But for all that, I wish I could have a few minutes to myself."
In a moment, he found himself seated amidst the eternal snows of the North Pole.
"Well, this is an ice place!" shivered the Sage. There was a roar of mighty laughter from the Aurora Borealis. It was the first time that the ancient jest had been uttered in those latitudes. The Sage blushed at his adoption of the venerable "Joe Miller," and wished himself back in Europe—in civilisation.
He found himself in Venice. Steam gondolas were travelling along the Grand Canal, and Cockneys were cutting their names on the sacred stones of the Church of St. Mark.
"It is becoming very English," murmured the Sage. "I suppose the next move will be to organise pigeon-shooting matches in front of the Café Florian, after turning the Doge's Palace into an illuminated Palace of Varieties."
Mr. Punch was disgusted, and began to think longingly of home.
"I have made a pretty fair round of the world, but I suppose I ought to do a little more in Europe—after all, it has the first claim upon my consideration. Let me consider—I think I should like to see a Greek robber in Athens."
In a moment the Sage found himself in an Athenian hotel, with the proprietor bowing obsequiously before him.
"Not very classical," he murmured. "I wonder what it was like in the days when the dead languages were alive, if not kicking. How I should like to see Athens in the time of Helen the fairest of the fair in everything—save in her conduct to Menelaus!"
Before he had time for further thought, he found himself in the far past, and thus had an opportunity of comparing the old with the new.
"Very pretty, but, on my word, comfort was a secondary consideration. But I have neglected Spain. I wish to see the loveliest view in good old Wellington's Peninsula."
Mr. Punch had expected to be carried into one of the courts of the Alhambra, but, in lieu of this, he found himself gazing at a lady, beautiful beyond compare. For a moment he was so lost in admiration, that he almost forgot himself, and was about to kiss her. Remembering, however, that he was a married man, and that his better half might object to the very natural, but (under the circumstances) highly improper transaction, he paused, and changed his kiss into a beaming smile. He was a little chagrined, however, to notice that the beautiful creature was so intent upon watching some distant attraction, that she had no eyes for him, nor, in fact, for anyone else.
"What can she be looking at?" he murmured. "How lovely she is with her heightened colour, her parted lips, her soul beaming through her lustrous dark eyes!"
Then he uttered an exclamation of disgust when he found that the lady was giving her entire attention to a bull-fight!
"I think I have had enough of this! We may have something of the same sort in our courts during a trial for murder; but, as a rule, our female blood-hungerers are either podgy matrons of sixty, or skinny old maids, of no (admitted) age at all! So give me England—dear old England!" He was set down at the Cannon Street Railway Station, and, collecting his luggage (which had followed by Grande Vitesse), he called a cab, and drove to Fleet Street.
And once more he was back in the ancestral halls, which had been decorated for the occasion with holly, and its white-berried companion. So, while Toby played "Home, Sweet Home!" Mr. Punch kissed Britannia under the Mistletoe, and wished her and the whole world, in a Wassail-bowl,
A Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!