Prologue.
Mr. Punch to Toby.
I am the only Painter without bias,
And Monster Panoramas, my Tobias,
Now being quite the order of the day,
I've limned the largest, which I here display;
And, issued in mine Almanack, 'tis clear
'Twill be the Biggest Order of the Year!
'Tis painted in the Highest Art Style—Mine!
Here you perceive the pith of 'Eighty-Nine,
A Year of Grace—and also of disgraces.
Look, Toby, on this sea of well-known faces!
Mark the familiar eyes, the salient noses!
(The sign of Gladstone or the mark of Moses.)
Kings, Lords and Ladies, Statesmen, Whigs and Tories.
No painter of great sprawling Allegories
Ever yet packed into so small a compass
So many who've won fame—or raised a rumpus.
A précis of a twelvemonth's work and babble is
This summary of the great Annus Mirabilis.
Perpend, Tobias. Hand me up the pointer.
Listen, O World! and, Time, thou great disjointer
Of hearts and epochs, stand awhile at gaze,
Whilst I explore, explain the Mighty Maze,
Which, being made by Punch, the Friend of Man,
You may depend is "not without a plan."
Now for the rostrum! Follow my pointer, Toby, with thy recording pencil. Listen, O World, with ears attent, and eyes "sequacious of the—Truth-teller!" I speak urbi et orbi!
First, the newly-elected County Council, Ladies and Gentlemen! Ritchie's colossal Civic Symposium! "Ritchie's Folly," some hasty assayers of innovations may have been tempted to term it. But Punch is never hasty.
Macbeth at the Lyceum and Gladstone in Naples! Later on, "Macbeth" Irving visits the Queen—an honoured guest! The return of the dove—if the Brummagem Bruiser may be likened to the Bird of Peace. All, at any rate, welcome his wife, a true messenger of peace, let us hope, from across the Atlantic flood.
From West to North—the "Nitrate King." Let us trust he'll prove a "True North" to the multitudes who trust him. Next the Teuton Titan on the (Colonial) War-Path! Formidable competitor; but even Titans trip at times, eh, Orion? From Bismarck asking for Samoa to Chaplin "chucking" Protection is a transit. Big 'uns both—of a sort? But Boulanger, the pseudo-great General Boum, coming a cropper? Guarda, e passa!
The ingenious Japs at a new work of Art—scarcely native this time. We'll hope their "New Constitution" may shape as well as their cabinets, and wear better than their locks and keys. Pantomime child-peris turned out—pro tem., thanks be—of their Stage Paradise. "See me reverse!"
Two openings,—Parliament and the Parnell Commission. And then—sinister sequel to the latter!—the flight of the pitiful Pigott. A far pleasanter picture is the return of generous D'Aumale to Chantilly. Scarcely less agreeable, to lovers of peace and of France, is the flight of the blatant firebrand Boulanger. Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest!
Big brave boys these American Base-Ball players. Game may be acclimatised here, but they evidently thought our "climate" against them, and with reason. Loss of the Sultan,—not the Padishah himself, worse luck! He would be no loss. Cambridge winning "the classic race"! Bravo, Light Blue! Who mutters demur! Ah! you are a brunette, though a "fair" one, my dear, so Punch pardons you. The sight of your Gracious Queen enjoying her Royal self in Portugal, will, perhaps, put you in a better temper, Miss.
Two bad endings! Abolition of the Board of Works, and abdication of King Milan of Servia. Both can be well spared. But Bright, brave belligerent John, true, tenacious, trenchant,—no, we could ill spare him. What, Punch wonders, would the fighting Apostle of Peace have said of the "Naval Defence Bill" hard by? Well, we know what the Country said of it. And the escape of that Kane-Captained Rennie-engined Calliope,—England has not forgotten that yet, if the Admiralty has.
Opening of the Great—the Colossal, the Titanic, the World-witching, Republic-saving French Exhibition! As "Big" a thing as—as the Tour Eiffel itself! Can even Mr. Punch say more? It must have a paragraph all to itself. Well done, Lutetia! Well may you pro tem. at least, kick out politics.
Sandy "takes the floor," and his "Scotch Local Government Bill!" Hope he'll like it. He generally does like big things, be they Bills or Cabers! Better anyhow than Paddy relishes "Balfour's Battering-Ram," which comes next. And then, Gentlemen, the match at Brummagem between those two political pugilists, Churchill and Chamberlain! Fight unfinished, result as yet uncertain. National Portrait Gallery to be fitly housed at last. Then the picture takes us "across the herring-pond" to the great Washington Centenary. Four Millions more money for Ships, the opening of the Opera Season, the raising of the Rates; all matters of interest, painful or otherwise, to most of you, Gentlemen.
Abandonment of the Sugar Bill! Not one of the much-talked-of "sweets of office" this, eh? Ask Baron de Worms! Raid on the Betting Clubs! But the great Demon of Gambling, like the objects of the great Curse in Ingoldsby, "never" seems "one penny the worse." Opening of the Spanish Exhibition. Equipment of our Volunteers. Bravo, Lord Mayor Whitehead!
The Johnstown Floods, Gentlemen; too terrible to talk lightly of. Here is symbolised the discreditable Parachute Mania, which was a disagreeable feature of the dead year. May it die therewith! I hear a stir, a silken amongst my fair auditors. Yes, Ladies, the Marriage of the lucky Duke of Portland, lucky, as I said at the time, with both Bridal and Bridle. Another Dropped Bill, Gentlemen; this time the Land Transfer Bill, "knocked out" in the Lords by the "Sluggers" of Legal Privilege. Westward Ho! goes the ubiquitous, inexhaustible G. O. M. on party thoughts intent; whilst near him is shadowed forth the rise of that Irreconcileable, Socialistic new "Fourth Party," the avowed purposes of which probably sometimes "give him pause."
Great Show of the "Humorists in Art." Hope you all went to see it. If you didn't, 'twas your loss. Then—strange juxtaposition!—the Great Turf Libel Case! Can one "libel" the Turf? Mr. Punch wonders. Anyhow, "Donovan"—that Lucky Duke again!—wins the Derby. "Donovan" was evidently "on the job," not "out for an airing," eh? Visit of the Shah of Persia. You will not want me to say anything more about that threshed-out subject. The Labour Congress in Switzerland was less talked of, but probably quite as important, whilst the appointment of Her Most Gracious Majesty as President of the Royal Agricultural Society is of even greater home-interest.
Next comes the Great Event of the Year! Mr. Punch's Visit to the Paris Exhibition, already celebrated by him in proper time and shape! You all of you have its record, of course. If not—get it!!! That Balloon bore a happy party, and needed no parachute.
The Delagoa Bay Railway business, Mr. Punch's pictorial comment on which so infuriated mischievous Master Portugal! The Whitechapel Woe! Not a matter for words, Gentlemen, but deeds.
Hooray! Another Royal Marriage! The Wedding March, with a Fife accompaniment! And—quite "in a concatenation accordingly," though at t'other side of Panorama—the Golden Wedding of the G. O. M. Prospect and retrospect, both pleasant. Was it the tender association of sympathy which made the G. O. M. so eloquent in favour of the Royal Grants? Who knows? Anyhow, his more rampant "followers"—Labby among them—would have liked, for the moment, to "muzzle" the "old man eloquent"—as Monro did the London dogs. The Naval Review, and the German Emperor's brief visit, "synchronised," as the saps say; and then, as another "Big Thing," they made Chaplin Minister of Agriculture! "Capping the Climax," that! Hard-by another Great—or Big—Man, hews away at the Tithes Bill. Go it, Harcourt!
Following the example of another really Great Man, Mr. Gladstone goes to Paris, sees the Exhibition, mounts the Eiffel Tower, perorates pleasantly about the Two Republics, France and America. Or should we say, America and France? Arcades ambo? And the G. O. M. orating on them was very Arcadian indeed.
The miserable Maybrick Case calls for no comment here. The Great Strike does. Memorable event, Ladies and Gentlemen, which—as Truthful Thomas would say—"will have results." Ecclesiastical dress for ladies may interest the more "dressy" portion of my audience—or may not. The French Elections. Mr. Punch congratulates Madame La République whom primarily the Exhibitors, and secondarily the Urns, saved from chaos and General Boum-Boulanger! Balfour's little faux pas, in connection with an Irish University. That fish won't bite! "Outidanos" on the Triple Alliance! Outis—the Ulysses of Liberalism—defying the huge Polyphemus of Continental Despotism. So perhaps he, the Homer-lover, would picture it. Polyphemus may have a different opinion, perchance.
Railways in China! Ah! Mr. Punch thinks he has heard of that before. He hopes it may be true this time; though, to the Mandarin, the Locomotive is a Bogey, and the Line sacrilege. Arab advance on Suakin! Neither is that a novel item of news! Gallantly repelled this time, though, and partly, at least, by native valour. A good omen!
Trials at Maryborough, consequent on the lamentable Gweedore evictions, and yet more lamentable crime attending them. When will this sort of thing be wiped out of the panorama of the year?
Raid of the egregious McDougall, compound, apparently, of Bottom and Paul Pry. Well, all's well that ends well, eh, "Mister" Rosebery? Glad, anyhow, you are to boss the London County Council yet a little longer. You may be counted on to minimise the McDougall element.
Greek Royal Wedding. Rare year this for what may be called Splendid Splices! Royal Princes, Princesses, and lucky Dukes well to the fore! As a set-off—alas!—Mr. Punch's Panorama has reluctantly, and delicately, to record many lamented deceases of great, or worthy, or well-beloved ones. Poor Crown Prince Rudolph, stout and eloquent John Bright, quaint and clever Pellegrini, the Vanity Fair Caricaturist, Lady Holland, of politico-social fame, Wilkie Collins, the master of ingeniously Sensational Romance; and last, but, to Mr. Punch and his young men certainly not least, Percival Leigh, of Comic Latin Grammar, and Mr. Pips's Diary fame—to the world, and, to his private friends, "dear old Professor," of pleasant and unfading memory.
Royal Globe-trotters again? The German Emperor visits Constantinople, and hob-nobs with the Sultan; the Prince of Wales is off to Egypt, where, perhaps, he hob-nobs with Father Nile. Thence returning, Punch hopes, happy, and with renewed stores of sturdy health!
Yet later in the year come two Big Shows, the Lord Mayor's to wit, with pretty reproductions of old English dresses and disportings, and that of the evergreen P. T. Barnum, with—well—with everything in the marvel line, if Mr. Punch may trust Phineas's posters.
The Public, anyhow, may trust Mr. Punch's! By such a Panoramic Poster even the Great Showman will admit himself outdone.
That is all, Ladies and Gentlemen, for the present. Mr. Punch, in conclusion, wishes you all a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
n 22nd of February Session opened; date unusually late, but then remember our Autumn Session of previous year brought us up to Christmas Eve. Charles Lamb, arriving at office late in the morning, pleaded that he made up for it by going away early. House, going away late, returns little later. Very modest Ministerial Programme to commence with. How it has been carried out has been told from day to day with graphic minuteness and uncompromising fidelity by Mr. Punch's humble, but respected companion. "The Diary of Toby, M.P.," follows the British flag. It is read everywhere—by the pathless ice-floes of Canada, through the length of North and South America, in the cities of Australia, by the watch-fires of the Squatters, on Greenland's icy mountains, and eke on India's coral strand; where Punch appears weekly on the bookstalls, price threepence. It will, therefore, not be necessary to go much into detail, a brief summary sufficing.
At the outset Georgie Hamilton promises Bill to strengthen Navy; Lord Advocate mentions Scotch Universities Bill, with Scotch Local Government Bill to follow. Parnell puts in early appearance, challenging Balfour, amid wild cheers from Irish Members, to explain why Carew, M.P., at present in prison, had been deprived not only of his flannel shirt, but of his hair and moustache?
Debate on Address turns largely on Irish affairs. Suddenly, in full tide of attack, comes news of flight of Pigott. For awhile Pigott's presence fills the place; his name thrown at Balfour whenever he rises; cries of "Pigott!" punctuate Ministerial replies. Nevertheless, John Morley's Amendment to Address negatived by 339 votes against 260; Address being finally carried without a division.
Georgie Hamilton got on early with his scheme for strengthening the Navy. Twenty-one-and-a-half millions asked for, adding seventy ships to British Navy. Not all to be built at once; whole scheme to be accomplished by April, 1894. Bill, debated three several nights, finally passed. In accordance with pledge given last Session, Supply put in fore-front of business. House sat night after night, sometimes voting money, always talking. All kinds of questions came up in Supply; treatment of Irish prisoners; Ministers' alleged connivance with Times; above all, Pigott, by this time, huddled up in suicide's grave at Madrid. Special attack made on Attorney-General for his professional connection with the Times case. Harcourt led attack, Charles Russell taking notable part in it. But his friends stuck to him through thick and thin, and Vote of Censure defeated by large majority.
On 28th of March, came news of death of John Bright; fell like oil on troubled waters. Old Morality bore testimony to his worth. Gladstone pronounced a splendid eulogy; Hartington added a postscript; Justin M'Carthy spoke for Ireland; and Chamberlain, rising to height of occasion, informed the House, that Birmingham had never allowed the Statesman they mourned to pay any of the subscriptions ordinarily exacted from a Borough Member. Thereafter the House went on with its ordinary business.
On 16th of April, Goschen introduced Budget in smallest House gathered in similar circumstances for many years. Both ends made to meet by increase of Death Duties, and a little tinkering of the Malt Duty. About this time, the "Noble Baron," began to loom on horizon with his Sugar Bounties Convention. Much time wasted through remainder of Session over this matter. Government stood gallantly by "Noble Baron;" in the end, amid the jeers of Opposition, Sugar Bounties Bill withdrawn to avoid Ministerial defeat.
On 14th of May, Old Morality brought in Bill to establish Board of Agriculture for Great Britain, a measure which, happily passing, has dowered the country with Chaplin as Minister of Agriculture.
Early in July, came on proposal to make provision for eldest Son of Prince of Wales. Manifestations of opposition induced Government to present the matter in modified form of Motion for appointment of Select Committee to consider the whole question of provision for Members of Royal Family. This agreed to, after debate, in which Sage of Queen Anne's Gate came to the front, keeping his place throughout subsequent proceedings. Great efforts made to buy off opposition of this incorruptible person; hesitated for brief moment, when position of Treasurer of Her Majesty's Household dangled before his eyes. Principal public duty of Treasurer, is to bring in gracious replies from the Throne to Addresses from faithful Commons. In his mind's eye, Sage saw himself in Windsor uniform, with gold stripe adown trouser-leg, leaning lightly on white wand of office, as he stood at the Bar of the House awaiting the Speaker's signal to bring up gracious reply. For a moment he faltered, but only for a moment. "No," he said, "England expects every man to do his duty, and Labby will not disappoint expectation;" and he went straight off and put down five fresh Amendments. This, now published for the first time, is authentic.
These debates on the Royal Grants were, perhaps, the most animated of Session. Vote for Royal Family of course granted, but in face of significant minority of 116. Gladstone supported Government, marching into Lobby against large majority of his own following, who turned aside with the Incorruptible Sage. Oddest thing of all was to behold Irish Members voting with the Court Party—Joseph Gillis going out shoulder to shoulder with Arthur Balfour, and Tay Pay hobnobbing with Old Morality.
After this the Session languished. Old Morality expedited business by announcing that no fresh measures of importance would be taken. Members began to clear out, and early close of Session seemed imminent. But, towards end of July, when everybody thought business would be wound up, the Tithes Bill brought in, and stubbornly pressed. A difficult position for the Government. Bill hotly opposed by Liberals, and not loved by Conservatives. Gray, Conservative Member for Maldon, moved crucial Amendment, which was negatived only by critical majority of four in a House of 286 Members. Nevertheless Government still stuck to framework of Bill. Attorney-General tabled batch of Amendments which transmogrified the Measure. On 16th of August House faced by practically new Bill. This made matters no better. Liberals mollified, Conservatives angry. Next day, amid storm of jeering, borne with characteristic calmness by Old Morality, he withdrew the Measure.
After this it was all over, even the shouting, and on the very last day of August the Session of 1889 came to a close. Its final hours, otherwise peaceful, were fluttered by promise of a Measure endowing an Irish University, whereat there was much spluttering in political circles.