Nuts to Crack.
The Word “Fast.”—This is as great a contradiction as we have in the language. The river is fast, because the ice is immoveable; and then the ice disappears fast for the contrary reason—it is loose. A clock is called fast when it goes quicker than time; but a man is told to stand fast, when he is desired to remain stationary. People fast when they have nothing to eat, and eat fast when opportunity offers.
Military Courtesy.—Gen. Meadows, equally renowned for his wit and bravery, being on a reconnoitring party, in the Mysore country, a twenty-four pound shot struck the ground at some distance from the General, and was passing in such a direction as would have exposed him to danger had he continued on his route; quick as lightning he stopped his horse, and, pulling off his hat very gracefully, as the shot rolled on, good-humoredly said: “I beg you to proceed, sir; I never dispute precedence with any gentleman of your family.”
A doctor, in Scotland, was employed by a poor man to attend his wife, who was dangerously ill. The doctor gave a hint, amounting to the suspicion that he would not be paid. “I have,” says the man, “five pounds; and if you kill, or cure her, you shall have it.” The woman died, under the hands of the doctor, and, after a reasonable time, he called for his five pounds. The man then said: “Did you kill my wife?—did you cure her?” “No.” “Then,” said the poor man, “you have no legal demand,” and turned upon his heel.
How to shake off Trouble.—Set about doing good to somebody: put on your hat, and go and visit the sick and poor—inquire into their wants, and minister to them; seek out the desolate and oppressed, and tell them of the consolations of religion. I have often tried this method, and have always found it the best medicine for a heavy heart.
A Father’s Impulse.—When Lord Erskine made his debut at the bar, his agitation almost overpowered him, and he was just going to sit down: “At that moment,” said he, “I thought I felt my little children tugging at my gown, and the idea roused me to an exertion, of which I did not think myself capable.”
The Sublime.—Over the stall of a public writer, in Rue de Bac, at Paris, is the following inscription: “M. Renard, public writer and compiler—translates the tongues, explains the language of flowers, and sells fried potatoes.”
Feeling for Another.—A Quaker, once hearing a person tell how much he felt for a friend who needed his assistance, dryly observed: “Friend, hast thou ever felt in thy pocket for him?”
“What are you writing such a thundering big hand for, Patrick?” “Why, do you see, my grandmother is deaf, and I am writing a loud lether to her.”
A Knotty Case.—Not many years ago, a man appeared in court, whether as plaintiff, defendant, or witness, tradition does not inform us. Be this as it may, the following dialogue ensued:—Court—“What is your name, sir?” “My name is Knott Martin, your honor.” “Well, what is it?” “It is Knott Martin.” “Not Martin, again! We do not ask you what your name is not, but what it is. No contempt of court, sir.” “If your honor will give me leave, I will spell my name.” “Well, spell it.” “K-n-o-tt, Knott, M-a-r, Mar, t-i-n, tin—Knott Martin.” “O, well, Mr. Martin, we see through it now; but it is one of the most knotty cases we have had before us for some time.”
Good.—It was a judicious resolution of a father, as well as a most pleasing compliment to his wife, when, on being asked by a friend what he intended to do with his daughters, he replied: “I intend to apprentice them to their mother, that they may become like her—good wives, mothers, heads of families, and useful members of society.”
A Learned Character.—“Give me ‘Venice Preserved,’” said a gentleman, last week, on going to a celebrated bookseller’s at the West-end. “We don’t sell preserves,” said an apprentice, newly-imported from the country; “but you will get them next door, at Mr. Brown’s, the confectioner.”
Ten To One.—Strict attention to office hours is a duty incumbent upon every public officer. We heard of a case of an American consul, in a foreign country, who was not remarkable for his attention to duty. A gentleman, calling one day, found his office shut, and a label sticking upon the door, with these words: “In from ten to one.” Having called again several times within those hours, without finding him, he wrote at the bottom of the label—“Ten to one he’s not in.”