Varieties.
How to sleep in Snow.—The manner in which Captain Ross’ crew preserved themselves, near the north pole, after the shipwreck of their vessel, was by digging a trench in the snow when night came on. This trench was covered with canvass and then with snow. The trench was made large enough to contain seven people; and there were three trenches, with one officer and six men in each. At evening, the shipwrecked mariners got into bags, made of double blanketing, which they tied round their necks, and thus prevented their feet from slipping into the snow while asleep; they then crept into the trenches and lay close together. The cold was generally sixty-four degrees below the freezing-point of Fahrenheit; but in January, 1831, the mercury was ninety-two degrees and a half below the freezing-point.
The Fighting Business.—“What are you thinking of, my man?” said Lord Hill, as he approached a soldier, who was leaning in a gloomy mood upon his firelock, while around him lay mangled thousands of French and English; for it was a few hours after the battle of Salamanca had been won by the British. The soldier started, and, after saluting his general, answered, “I was thinking, my lord, how many widows and orphans I have this day made for one shilling.” He had fired six hundred bullets that day, and his pay was a shilling a day.
Anecdote of Franklin.—While Franklin was ambassador to the English court, a lady, who was about being presented to the king, noticed his exceedingly plain appearance, and inquired who he was. “That, madam,” answered the gentleman upon whose arm she was leaning, “is Dr. Benjamin Franklin, the ambassador from North America.” “The North American ambassador so meanly dressed!” exclaimed the lady. “Hush, madam, for Heaven’s sake!” whispered the gentleman; “he is the man that bottles up thunder and lightning!” I suppose my readers all know that Dr. Franklin was the inventor of lightning-rods, by which the lightning is drawn off from buildings, and thus rendered harmless. It was this that gave rise to the humorous reply of the aforesaid gentleman.
Ingenious Excuse of a Schoolboy.—A country schoolmaster once having the misfortune to have his schoolhouse burnt down, was obliged to remove to a new one, where he reprimanded one of his boys, who mis-spelled a number of words, by telling him that he did not spell as well as when he was in the old schoolhouse. “Well, thome how or other,” said the urchin with a scowl, “I can’t ethackly get the hang of thith ere thkoolhouth.”
Keen Satire.—“You saved my life on one occasion,” said a beggar to a captain under whom he had served. “Saved your life!” replied the officer; “do you think that I am a doctor?” “No,” answered the man, “but I served under you in the battle of ——, and when you ran away, I followed, and thus my life was preserved.”
Talking To One’s Self.—Earl Dudley possessed in a remarkable degree the unpleasant habit of talking to himself. On one occasion he was driving his cabriolet across Grosvenor Square, in London, in his way to Park Lane, when he overtook an acquaintance of the name of Luttrell. It was raining quite fast, and his lordship good-naturedly invited the pedestrian to ride. They drove on till they had nearly arrived at Lord Dudley’s mansion, where, Mr. Luttrell giving no hint of wishing to alight, the Earl unconsciously exclaimed aloud, what many would have thought under similar circumstances, “Plague on this fellow; I suppose I must ask him to dine with me!” How often, instead of flattering speeches and soothing compliments, should we hear unpleasant and reproachful remarks, if people were in the habit of thinking aloud, like Lord Dudley.
Being Behindhand.—An idle fellow complained bitterly of his hard lot, and said, that he was born on the last day of the year, the last day of the month, and the last day of the week, and he had always been behindhand. He believed it would have been a hundred dollars in his pocket if he had not been born at all!
Aphorisms from Shakspeare.
A heart unspotted is not easily daunted.
One drunkard doth love another of the name.
Do not cast away an honest man for a villain’s accusation.
All offences come from the heart.
Every cloud engendereth not a storm.
Ignorance is the curse of God—knowledge the wing wherewith we fly to heaven.
He is but the counterfeit of a man who hath not the life of a man.
There’s small choice in rotten apples.