What is it to be Polite?
Politeness is a delicate regard to the feelings of others. It does not consist in civil bows, or graceful wavings of the hand, or a courtly bearing of the body, or in flattering speeches; it lies rather in avoiding rude and offensive speeches, in avoiding offensive habits, and in adopting a general course of conduct calculated to gratify and please those around us.
We sometimes see people who pretend to be very polite; who bow and say flattering things, and affect an air of polish and refinement; and who are yet haughty, and seem to say, by their airs, “We are better than you are!” Now, whatever these people may pretend to be, they are not polite—they are, rather, coarse-minded, vulgar, disagreeable, people; they are at once ill-bred, hypocritical and wicked. They pretend to be what they are not; they are filled with self-conceit, and are really desirous of wounding the feelings of others, by making them feel humbled in their presence. Nothing can be more offensive than such manners.
A truly polite person endeavors to put all at ease around him. If he is learned, in the presence of the unlettered he does not set off his knowledge; if he is better dressed than those around him, he does not direct attention to this fact, but leads to other topics of consideration; if he is handsome, he acts as if he did not know it; if he is of a higher station in life than others who may be present, he still treats all with due attention and kindness.
The source of politeness is the heart. If the heart is good—if it is full of gentleness, kindness, tenderness and grace, the face, the hands, the form, will all unite to express it. The manners of a person set forth his heart; they tell tales out of school, and let everybody look into the bosom. If a person is always saying malicious, ill-natured things, we know that the heart is ill-natured and malicious. If the countenance, has a severe, harsh, and unkind expression, we do not doubt that it is an index to the heart. As the pointers of a clock show how the machinery moves within—telling of every revolution, down even to the ticking of seconds—so the manners tell the beatings of the bosom, and show to the eye of the skilful observer, all that is going on there.
Some persons fancy that politeness implies insincerity; they imagine that it requires a certain degree of pretence, flattery and gloss. This is a mistake. Politeness, like every other virtue, may be carried to excess, and thus become vicious or false. Politeness never calls upon us to sacrifice sincerity; it never requires us to say or do or pretend what is not true. It commands us to keep our manners void of offence; and the best way to do this, is to keep a heart void of offence. If we feel pleasantly, kindly, benevolently, we shall be very apt to appear pleasantly, kindly, benevolently. If by any means we have adopted a bad habit—if we have become satirical—if we have fallen into the practice of telling tales of others, or exaggerating the faults of others, or taking pleasure in telling scandalous tales of others, the moment we become apprized of it, we should break off such bad habits.
I sometimes fancy that young people—even some of my blue-eyed and black-eyed friends—hardly think that they are bound to be polite: but, let me tell you, my dear children, that now is the very time to begin to establish the habit of paying attention to the feelings of others. Let me beg of you, therefore, always—at the table, in the street, in the parlor, at church, with the young and the old—be polite; by which I mean, be regardful of the feelings of others.