ACT I
[Enter Harry and Nell, with stockings to hang up.]
Harry. Come on! Let’s hang ’em here!
Nell. Where are Bobby and Dot?
Harry. Hi, Bobby! Hi there, Dot! Come along! We’re going to hang up our stockings now. [They go back to entrance and draw in with them two smaller children, the smaller the better, and help them hang up tiny stockings, then lead them out and return themselves—all this in dumb show, or the children may say a few words, whatever is most natural. It is better for them not to learn set speeches for this part of the business. After rearranging the stockings, Harry and Nell sit down by the fire.]
Harry. What do you s’pose he’ll bring us?
Nell. I don’t know. Oh, dear! I wish it was morning!
Harry. I want a new sled. Mine’s all broken.
Nell. I want a new doll’s crib. My littlest dolly hasn’t anywhere to sleep except a bureau drawer.
Harry. Mother said you needed a new pair of eyes—ones that won’t cry so easily.
Nell. She said you needed a new pair of hands—the kind that won’t slap and pinch people.
Harry. [Reaching out and drawing the Mother Goose book over to him, and pointing to the cover.] I think Mother Goose needs a new cap. Hers has never looked like much since we spilt molasses candy on it.
Nell. Oh, if Santa Claus ever brought the Mother
Goose people anything—they all need things. [She draws closer to Harry, and they open the book between them.] Miss Muffet’s footstool has holes through it, look! Mother says I poked those with the scissors when I was little.
Harry. [Turning a page.] And Boy Blue needs a new horn. He must be tired of that tin one.
Nell. [Turning another page.] And poor Bo-Peep! She’s had that same ribbon on her crook ever since I was a baby!
Harry. [Turning again.] And Jack and Jill have been banging that pail around down that hill for years and years. It must leak like everything.
Nell. I don’t believe Santa Claus ever thought of them. If he did, he would bring them things, I know he would.
Harry. How can he think of them when they don’t hang up any stockings!
Nell. Poor things!
[A voice from outside calls, “Children!”]
Harry and Nell. [Getting up.] There’s Mother! [They drop the book and get as far as the door, when Nell catches Harry’s arm and turns back.]
Nell. Let’s take the Mother Goose people with us. They’ll feel so badly to see Santa Claus stuffing our stockings when he doesn’t give them anything—and most of them are children, too. [She picks up the book, and Harry takes it. Both go out. Silence. Finally Jack and Jill appear in the doorway, looking in. After a careful survey of the room, they tiptoe in cautiously, go to the fireplace and look up it, feel of the stockings, go to the window or windows and peer out. All this time they hold between them an old tin pail.]
Jack. [In a loud whisper.] He hasn’t come yet.
Jill. I suppose he might come ’most any minute.
Jack. We do need a new pail, sure enough. Look at this one! We couldn’t carry a cupful of water in it, even if we didn’t tumble down.
Jill. And we don’t usually tumble down, of course. It was just that once.
Boy Blue. [In the doorway, loud whisper.] Hello, Jack! Hello, Jill! Anybody else here?
Jack and Jill. Hello, Boy Blue! Come in!
Jack. We were just talking about Santa Claus.
Boy Blue. [Entering.] Oh, you heard what the children said. So did I.
Jill. And we do need a new pail.
Jack. [Holding out pail.] Look!
Boy Blue. Yes, I suppose you do. But look at my horn! It’s all battered up climbing stone walls after those tiresome cows.
Jill. Of course!
Boy Blue. And once I dropped it down the well. I was helping Johnny Stout get that pussy-cat out that Tommy Green put in.
Jack and Jill. Horrid boy, that Tommy Green!
Boy Blue. And it really hasn’t tooted very well since then.
[Miss Muffet, a very little girl, appears at door. She holds a little stool or hassock under one arm, and in the other hand a string, from which hangs a large, black spider.]
Jill. Why, here’s Little Miss Muffet, too! [Jill goes over to door, takes her hand, and leads her in.] I do believe she thinks she needs a new tuffet. Is that it, Miss Muffet?
Miss Muffet. Yes. Look at it! And I need a new spider, too.
Jack. [Examining the spider.] Why, that looks to me like a perfectly good spider. What’s the matter with your spider, Miss Muffet?
Miss Muffet. He’s black. I’m tired of a black spider. I want a yellow one—a big, yellow one.
Boy Blue. Well, I never knew Miss Muffet cared what kind of a spider it was.
[Simple Simon appears at door, hesitates.]
Jack. Oh, there’s Simple Simon! Come in, Sim, my boy! We’re all talking about what we want. What do you want?
Simple Simon. [Entering slowly and speaking with a drawl, or perhaps a stammer.] I’ve always wanted lots of things—especially pie. But I never had any pennies.
Boy Blue. [Briskly.] Then what you want is pies,—or else pennies,—which would you rather?
Simple Simon. Pies.
Jack Horner. [Entering in time to hear the last two speeches.] Here! Take mine! I picked out all the plums years ago. [Simple Simon takes the pie, and retires to back of stage to eat it.]
Boy Blue. Hello, Jack Horner! What do you need?
Jack Horner. [Turning to the others.] What I need is a new pie.
Mistress Mary Quite Contrary. [Entering.] And what I need is a new watering-pot. [Pettishly.] Look at this old thing!
Bo-Peep. [Entering.] There’s Mistress Mary, quite as contrary as usual! But, now really, children, no joking, I do need a fresh ribbon. You all heard what Harry and Nell said. They noticed it. I suppose everybody has.
Jill. [Patronizing but friendly.] Yes, Bo-Peep, we all noticed, only we’ve been too polite to speak about it. [Confidentially, with an air of wisdom.] Have you ever tried dampening it and pressing it?
Bo-Peep. Yes, Mother Goose does that for me every little while.
Jill. But it is badly faded, isn’t it?
Bo-Peep. Of course it is! How could it help being? I’ve been chasing those sheep for years, out in the hot sun, and hooking their legs—like—like this!
[She reverses her crook and begins hooking it around the children’s ankles. They hop and run to escape her. Screams and laughter.]
Mother Goose. [Entering, waving her stick at them.] Children! children! What are you doing? You’ll wake the house! And Santa Claus may pop in any minute and catch you! And then what!
All. Catch us? What fun!
Jack. Perhaps we’d catch him! We’d make him give us a new pail, wouldn’t we, Jill?
Bo-Peep. And me a new ribbon.
Boy Blue. And me a new horn.
Mistress Mary. And me a new watering-pot.
Jack Horner. And me a new pie.
Simple Simon. I’d like some pie, too.
Jack. And Miss Muffet, here, wants a new tuffet.
Miss Muffet. And a new spider—a yellow one.
Mother Goose. What children you are! Poor old Santa Claus! Hasn’t he enough to do now, without your teasing him for things?
Jack. But he never gives us anything.
All. Harry and Nell said so, too.
Jill. And they said he surely would if he only thought.
Jack. [Facing the rest, and striking an attitude.] Let’s make him think!
All. How? how?
Jack. All hide here, and wait till he comes, and then jump out at him, and capture him.
All. Oh, what fun! Let’s! [They turn to Mother Goose.] May we? may we?
Mother Goose. If you promise you won’t hurt him.
All. Oh, we won’t; we won’t.
[They prance with glee, then take hands and circle around Mother Goose, singing:]
Oh, we’ve planned the greatest lark you ever heard!
’Twould be dreadful if it wasn’t so absurd.
From our lairs behind the chairs,
On old Santa, unawares,
We’ll just spring, and jump, and pounce, without a word.
He doesn’t know we’re waiting here to-night.
We’ll surprise him, so he’ll never dare to fight.
From our lairs behind the chairs,
We will take him unawares,
And we’re sure he’ll have an awful, awful fright.
[After the song, they stop and listen. A sound of distant sleigh-bells is heard. The children scatter and hide behind the furniture or in dark corners. Mother Goose retires to entrance door and stands in its shadow.]
[The bells sound louder, then cease. The window is opened slowly. Santa Claus enters, sets in his pack, goes out again and brings in a big sled, closes window and comes forward to fire, rubbing his hands.]
Santa Claus. Such houses! A fellow has to prowl and prowl around a house like a thief to find a place to get in. Look at that chimney! They’ll expect me to come in on the telephone-wire next. Well—here are the stockings—one—two—three—four.
[At a signal from Jack, the children creep out and spring upon Santa Claus from behind. They pull him down, hold his hands and legs, and pull him to a big chair in the middle of the room. Meanwhile Santa Claus calls, “Help! help! murder!” Jack at length stops his mouth by winding a handkerchief about his head. This Jack does leaning over him from behind.]
Jack. Now, Santa Claus, it’s no use to wiggle and scream. You’re caught. Will you be good and quiet? If you will, hold up both hands, and waggle the fingers. [Santa Claus does so.] All right. [Jack takes off handkerchief and comes around toward front.] Now, listen. We don’t mean any harm—
Santa Claus. Oh, you don’t, you young scamps!
Jack. [With dignity.] We’re not scamps, and we promised Mother Goose here not to hurt you, and we haven’t.
[Mother Goose comes forward a little.]
Santa Claus. You’ve hurt my feelings, terribly.
Jack. Not half so much as you’ve hurt ours.
Santa Claus. What? What’s this?
All. You never gave us a present.
Jill. Never in all our lives.
Bo-Peep. And we feel badly.
Boy Blue. Terribly.
All. Terribly.
Miss Muffet. [Coming up to his knee.]
And I want a new tuffet, and a new spider—a yellow one.
Jack. Jill and I want a new pail. Look at this one!
Bo-Peep. And I need—I really need—a new ribbon for my crook.
Boy Blue. And I need a new horn.
Mistress Mary. And I need a new watering-pot for my garden.
Jack Horner. And I’m just starving for a new pie. There weren’t any plums left in mine, and I gave it to Simple Simon here.
Simple Simon. I’ve been wanting pie for a long time. But I never had any pennies.
Santa Claus. [Looking about at them, half amused, half vexed.] Why, you midgets! you little ruffians! Do you mean to say you’re holding me up for presents! Me! Santa Claus! The children’s friend! Held up here by force, in the dark—by a set of—of highway robbers! Aren’t you ashamed?
All. [Gathering around and pointing fingers at him, very impressively.]
Aren’t you ashamed?
Miss Muffet. I want a new spider—a yellow one.
Santa Claus. You do, you little minx, you little Muffety minx! Come here!
Do I look as if I kept yellow spiders in that bag?
Miss Muffet. I want a new spider.
Santa Claus. Listen to her! A yellow spider!
Miss Muffet. And a new tuffet.
Santa Claus. And a new tuffet! dear! dear!
Jack. [Severely.] You promised to be good.
Santa Claus. Mother Goose, what do you think of the way you’ve brought up these children?
Mother Goose. Well, Santa Claus, I can’t help it. Children take things pretty much into their own hands nowadays.
Santa Claus. So you won’t stand by me! [To Miss Muffet.]
And you stand there waiting for your new spider!
Miss Muffet. And my tuffet.
Santa Claus. And your tuffet.—Jack, bring me my bag.
All. Hurrah! He’s going to! he’s going to!
[Jack, with the other boys, brings over the pack and sets it down before Santa Claus, who opens it and begins to feel about in it. He pulls out a new little stool or hassock.]
Santa Claus. Here, Miss Muffet! Here’s your new tuffet. Sit down and see if it fits you. [Miss Muffet sits down between his knees, facing audience. Santa takes out large yellow spider on string, and dangles it down over her head, lowering it slowly until she catches sight of it. She screams, and runs to the far corner of the room.]
Santa Claus. Why, Miss Muffet! I thought you said you wanted a yellow spider!
Miss Muffet. [Coming slowly back.] I was used to a black one. [Takes new spider by the string, gingerly, and sits down on new tuffet at Santa’s feet.]
Santa Claus. Here, Jack, here’s a new pail. And be more careful with it this time. Don’t bang it around downhill so. [Jack takes it, starts to carry it over to Jill, stumbles, and falls flat, flinging pail all across room.]
Santa Claus. There you go again! What’s the use of giving you a new pail? Jill, take care of it for him! [Takes out fresh ribbon.] Here, Bo-Peep, here’s your ribbon. [Bo-Peep takes it, curtseys, and goes back beside Jill, who helps her take off the old ribbon and tie on the new one.]
Santa Claus. Here, Mistress Mary, here’s a new watering-pot for you. Now let me see you smile. [Mistress Mary smiles and curtseys.] Here, Jack Horner. [Giving him a pie.] There are lots of plums in this. But you mustn’t pick them all out first. You must take it just as it comes. Didn’t your mother ever tell you that?
Mother Goose. Of course I’ve told him.
Santa Claus. Here, Simon, my boy. Here’s a pie all to yourself. And here are some pennies to buy more. Don’t let the pie-man cheat you. You have had a rather hungry time, haven’t you?
Simple Simon. Yes, sir; thank you, sir.
Santa Claus. Here you, Boy Blue! Here’s a new horn. See how it sounds.
[Boy Blue toots horn, marches around Santa. Children all fall in and march around him once or twice. Then horn stops, and they sing the same song as earlier, only with changes of tense:]
Oh, we planned the greatest lark you ever heard,
It was dreadful, but oh, wasn’t it absurd?
From our lairs behind the chairs,
On old Santa, unawares,
We just sprang, and pounced, and jumped, without a word.
He didn’t know we waited here to-night,
We surprised him, so he didn’t dare to fight.
From our lairs behind the chairs,
We all took him unawares,
And we’re sure he had an awful, awful fright.
Santa Claus. Here, you rascals, help me fill these stockings! Make yourselves useful! [They fill stockings. Sled and doll’s bedstead are set up beside the fireplace.] Now, run! Scamper! It’s almost morning. Get back into your book, or you’ll get caught. Run! Off with you! [They all run out.]
Santa Claus. [After a moment’s pause.] Mother Goose didn’t ask for a new cap, but I think she needs one. That molasses candy does make it look rather queer. [Goes through door, returns with Mother Goose book. The picture of Mother Goose on the cover now has a bright red peaked cap instead of a brown one. Santa Claus sets book up beside fireplace, and turns to the audience.]
Santa Claus. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
[Exit. Sound of sleigh-bells, becoming fainter, then silence, or Curtain.]