ACT II
[Same scene an hour later. Santa Claus, Mother Goose, and Jennie Wren stand in a row, center, shaking hands with guests. Jack Frost at door shouts names of guests as they appear R. at ring of door bell.]
Mother Goose. I do love to have the Auld Lang Syne Club meet with us. Santa, you must try to look a little pleasanter. Just as soon as the guests are all here we will tell them our troubles and be guided by their advice. So let us now cheer up and act as if nothing sad had happened.
Jennie. Your collar is a little crooked, Santa. Now let the smiles come. There, you look better.
Jack. The Man in the Moon.
[Enter The Man in the Moon, lantern in hand, yellow robe, and smiling face.]
The Man in the Moon. Good evening, Santa and Mother Goose and Jennie. I hope I am not too early. I always seem to come down too soon. [Stands next to Jennie L.]
THE MAN IN THE MOON
William Tell
Santa. No, no. You are never too early to please us. We like to see your shining face at any time.
Jack. William Tell of Switzerland.
William Tell. [Tyrolese costume, an apple in hand, bow and arrow under arm.] Good evening, everybody, what pleasant weather! Thirteen degrees below zero. It reminds me of our Alps at home. [Stands next to The Man in the Moon.]
Jennie. How is your son, Mr. Tell? Is he just as brave as ever? Do you ever shoot apples off his head nowadays?
William Tell. Thank you, Jennie. Little Billy is well and happy. He is always a fearless child. He is tending a herd of chamois on Mt. Blanc this winter. Yes, we often practise a little sharpshooting.
Jack. [Aside.] Now that chamois herding is a job I’d like to hold down myself. [Aloud.] The Clerk of the Weather.
The Clerk of the Weather. [Carrying thermometer, weathercock, telescope, umbrella, weather bulletin.] Good evening, all. I am so glad to be here. I had a great time getting my work arranged so I could get off. I am afraid now [looking at bulletin] that there will be floods or blizzards or something. There are so many hitches in a business like mine. [Stands next to Tell.]
Jack. Robinson Crusoe and Friday.
[Robinson Crusoe and Friday are dressed in furs. Friday leads toy goat. Jack blows on Friday, who shivers.]
Robinson Crusoe. Good evening, Santa and Mother Goose. Allow me to present Friday. No, thank you, we will retain our furs. This weather is so different from the climate in the tropics, you know. [Crosses and stands by Mother Goose.]
The Clerk of the Weather. [Tartly.] Now, that’s just the way it goes. It isn’t warm enough for you, Robinson, and here’s William Tell who thinks it just right. It is hard to please everybody on weather. I get almost distracted at the complaints all over the planet. It keeps me changing things all the time.
Jack. Mother Shipton.
Mother Shipton. [Very solemn and important.] Yes, here I am. I came in one of those carriages without horses that they call automobiles. Really they ought to be called Shiptonians in honor of me, for it was I who gave the idea of them to the world. We prophets are seldom believed, though, I suppose, we are lucky not to be stoned.
Jack. How about 1881, Mother Shipton? Why didn’t you hit that date a little closer for the world to come to an end?
Mother Shipton. [Stands next to Crusoe and Friday.] That was simply a misprint, young man. Just you wait long enough and you will see the world come to an end yet. Wait till 2881 and see what happens!
Mother Shipton
Rip Van Winkle
Jack. Rip Van Winkle and Schneider.
Rip Van Winkle. [Leading toy dog.] Goot efening, good efening. So I bring mein little dog Schneider. I am so lonesome already ven I don’t have along the schmall dog, ain’t it? Mein frau like not Schneider never in the house. Have you some objectifications mit him, Mother Goo-ze? [Stands by Mother Shipton.]
Mother Goose. Not at all, Rip. He seems a very pleasant dog. You must always bring him with you.
Jack. [Aside.] I say, I’d like a game of ninepins on the ice with Rip. [Aloud.] Dick Whittington and the cat.
Jennie. Oh, Mr. Whittington, good evening. I am so glad to see you and the cat. I have so often heard of this wise old pussy of yours.
Dick Whittington. Oh, you don’t see me anywhere without that little mascot of mine. Here, Tabby, don’t be afraid of Schneider. Schneider is a good little dog. [Dog chases cat.]
Captain Kidd and
Robin Hood
Jack. Captain Kidd and Robin Hood.
Captain Kidd. [Dressed as a pirate with cutlass, earrings, etc.] Here we all meet again on this pleasant occasion. It is seldom we old rovers have this home feeling anywhere on the globe. We go cruising around all the time visiting scenes of old. But you know, Mother Goose, we always make a point of coming to the Auld Lang Syne Club to meet with you, even if we have to come from Cape Horn or Cape of Good Hope.
Robin Hood. [In hunter’s green.] Yes, yes, Santa, we look forward all the year to this quiet evening with you. I am happier here than I am anywhere except with my merry men in Sherwood Forest. The Auld Lang Syne meeting is worth a trip across the planet. [Kidd goes R. Robin goes L.]
Jack. Dame Rumor.
Dame Rumor. [Spectacles and ear trumpet, enters talking very fast.] I am sorry to be so late, but I met so many people on the way and there were so many things to tell and to hear that I thought I never should get here. They say—[Goes whispering to Mother Shipton.]
Jack. Pocahontas and Lo, the Poor Indian.
Pocahontas. [Dressed, as is Lo, in Indian costume, beads, feathers, etc.] Lo and I stopped to see the Falls of Minnehaha and that has made us late, I am afraid. We always linger at that lovely place.
Mother Goose. No, no, Pocahontas. You are in good time. You must stay all the longer for being a little tardy.
Dame Rumor. Santa, why are you not laughing and joking as usual? I never saw you so downcast.
Mother Goose. Really, Dame Rumor, Santa Claus is feeling quite sad this evening. He will tell you all about what is weighing on his spirits, and I hope the wisdom of this good company will help him to look at matters more cheerfully.
Dame Rumor
Man Friday
Santa Claus. Yes, friends, I am sorry to appear so sad on an occasion that ought to be so happy—an occasion when we old friends meet after a long separation.
Rip Van Winkle. Yes, yes, I haf never so much joyness any more as in this house, Santa. Here only is the beoples that can remember mit me the happy times long ago.
Dame Rumor. They say you used to be grumbled at a good deal in those happy days, Rip.
Robinson Crusoe
Jennie. Oh, now, Dame Rumor, let bygones be bygones. Please all listen to what Santa Claus has to tell. I want very much to see what the Auld Lang Syne Club will advise him to do. Go on, dear Santa.
Santa Claus. Well, my friends, I thought I would try the experiment this year of running a wireless line from the North Pole to most of the school yards in the country in order to hear the children telling what they would like to have for Christmas.
Dame Rumor. Dear me, I’d like to have a wireless line connecting with every home in the country! It was a fine idea, Santa.
Robinson Crusoe. I wish we had had one down on the island, Friday.
Santa Claus. Well, I have just got the connections made, and to-day I went to the Pole to spend the forenoon taking notes from school grounds in various parts of the country. And, to my utter astonishment, I heard children in each section of the nation all saying they did not believe in Santa Claus!
All. [Laughing.] Not believe in Santa Claus! How ridiculous!
Dame Rumor. Oh, Santa Claus, you don’t take that seriously, do you? Why, I have heard that gossip for years, and I have also heard people saying that they did not believe the story of George Washington chopping down the cherry-tree. And yet I used to know a lady who knew a lady whose cousin’s brother-in-law had a piece of cherry-pie made from cherries that grew on that tree before George ever had the hatchet,—yes, indeed!
William Tell. Santa, we are all in the same boat. Don’t let such remarks trouble your mind. It’s the fate of every popular character to be disbelieved. People have gone so far as to discredit me and the story of the shooting of the apple off little William’s head. Think of that!
Dame Rumor. Yes, William, I have heard that apple shooting contradicted, too, and wasn’t that charming song, “In the Shade of the Old Apple Tree,” written in honor of a tree that sprang from some of those seeds that you shot out of the apple on little William’s head that day?
Pocahontas. Santa, you must not let such gibes hurt your feelings. My own existence has been denied over and over, notwithstanding John Smith’s testimony. One must simply live such things down.
Lo, the Poor Indian. [Solemnly.] Pocahontas is right, Santa. Don’t you know there is a theory among critics that I exist only in the pages of Cooper’s Indian stories? Think of just being shut up in a book all the time!
Pocahontas and
Lo! the poor Indian
Jack. Wouldn’t that make you gloomy?
Robinson Crusoe. I can understand how Lo feels. For it is now claimed by critics that a certain Alexander Selkirk instead of myself was the hero of my adventures. Think of having the ground taken from under your feet like that! Here is Friday and here is the goat, and yet they say there is no Robinson Crusoe!
Friday. If Robinson Crusoe didn’t discover me then I am not discovered yet, and I never made those tracks.
Rip Van Winkle. Just alike mit me come all dese peoples. Some beople say now I haf not hat that nap already, and we haf not seen that game of ninepins in dose Kaatskils, ain’t it, Schneider.
Captain Kidd. Haven’t I been ruled out of existence, too. But wait till they find my buried treasure, some day! that those piles of Then they will know gold were never hidden without hands. Oh, my name was Captain Kidd, as I sailed.... Ha ha!
Robin Hood. Well, Santa, they have long had me down as a fabulous character myself, and I suppose I’m out of it. But then just think what they say of the great King Arthur! I understand that King Arthur and all the Knights of the Round Table are now considered merely as a romance, if you please. So you see we are all in good company, my friends.
Dick Whittington. Yes, I also belong to the large class of the unbelieved-in. But Tabby and I are not concerned about what others think. We just deserve to have friends, and then it’s up to the people to love us. Don’t you see?
Jennie. Well, if anybody has ever earned love it is our faithful old Santa Claus.
All. Yes, indeed it is. Everybody that knows him loves Santa Claus.
The Man in the Moon. Santa, when you have been laughed out of existence as often as I have, you can well complain. Why, I have been called everything from a piece of green cheese to an extinct volcano! But you never see me moping over it. I just keep a shining face, clouds or no clouds.
Dick Whittington
The Clerk of
The Weather
The Clerk of the Weather. Yes, I will vouch for that. The Man in the Moon is always beamy. And, Santa, just note how I send the rain on the just and unjust alike, although they all say there is no such person as I, and call the weather itself just a me-teor-o-log-i-cal phe-nom-e-non. No, Santa, do not mind a few chance remarks. Those children will know more by and by.
Dame Rumor. Santa, there are still hundreds and thousands who do believe in you; for I have heard children all over the world, talking of your loving-kindness. I myself always take pains to tell what you have brought to this one and that one.
Santa Claus. Dear friends, I have noted what you say and it really cheers me very much to find that I am not alone in being disbelieved in.
Mother Goose. Then you will forgive the children whom you overheard, Santa, and you will not desert the faithful ones who have always loved you?
Jennie. And you will not think of that sorrow again, and you will go down with the reindeer as usual and take those ten thousand dolls to the ten thousand good little girls?
Jack. Oh, forget it, Santa, and take down those horns and drums for the boys on that waiting list. Think of the fun those kiddies will have!
All. Oh, yes, Santa, the world cannot spare you. We love you, and the children love you.
Santa Claus. [Smiling at Mother Goose and the rest.] Your words give me new courage. Yes, I will go on as if nothing had happened. I will never desert the dear children. They shall have their Christmas gifts as long as there is a Santa Claus.
Curtain [and distribution of gifts].
