SCENE IN A POLICE OFFICE.
The prisoner in this case, whose name was Dickey Swivel, alias "Stove Pipe Pete," was placed at the bar, and questioned by the Judge to the following effect:
Judge: Bring the prisoner into court.
Pete: Here I am, bound to blaze, as the spirits of turpentine said, when he was all a fire.
Judge: We'll take a little fire out of you. How do you live?
Pete: I ain't particular, as the oyster said when they asked if he'd be roasted or fried.
Judge: We don't want to know what the oyster said or the turpentine either. What do you follow?
Pete: Anything that comes in my way, as the engine said when he run over a little nigger.
Judge: Don't care anything about the locomotive. What's your business?
Pete: That's various, as the cat said when she stole the chicken off the table.
Judge: If I hear any more absurd comparisons, I will give you twelve months.
Pete: I am done, as the beef steak said to the cook.
Judge: Now, Sir, your punishment shall depend on the shortness and correctness of your answers. I suppose you live by going around the docks?
Pete: No, Sir. I can't go around docks without a boat, and I hain't got none.
Judge: Answer me now, Sir. How do you get your bread?
Pete: Sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes I eat taters.
Judge: No more of your stupid nonsense. How do you support yourself?
Pete: Sometimes on my legs, and sometimes on a cheer, (chair.)
Judge: How do you keep yourself alive?
Pete: By breathing, Sir.
Judge: I order you to answer this question correctly. How do you do?
Pete: Pretty well, thank you, Judge. How do you do?
Judge: I shall have to commit you.
Pete: Well, you have committed yourself first, that's some consolation.