CHRONICLES OF SECESSIA.
BOOK II.
CHAPTER I.
There was a man and his name was HOLLINS.
He was of those that go down to the sea in ships, and sometimes across the bay in very different conveyances.
Bold of speech, with a face like unto a brazen idol of Gath, and a voice even as a bull of Bashan; a man such as Gog and Magog, and ever agog for to be praised of men, or any other man.
Now this HOLLINS was greatly esteemed of the South, howbeit he was held of but little worth in the North, since they who made songs and jokes for the papers had aforetime laughed him to scorn.
For it had come to pass that sundry niggers, the children of Ham, with others of the heathen, walking in darkness, had built unto themselves shanties of sticks and mud, and dwellings of palm-leaves, and given unto the place a name; even Greytown called they it;
And, waxing saucy, had reviled the powers that be, and chosen unto themselves a king, wearing pantaloons.
And HOLLINS said unto himself, 'Lo! here is glory!
'Verily here be niggers who are not men of war, strength is not in them, and their habitations are as naught.'
So he went against them with cannon and sailors, men of war and horse-marines, and made war upon the children of Ham,
Bombarding their town from the rising of the sun even unto the going down of the same—there was not left one old woman there, no, not one.
Now when the men of the South, and they which dwell in the isles of the sea, with those of the uplands,
Heard that HOLLINS had battered down the cabins of the niggers and slain their hens,
Then they said, 'This is a great man, and no abolitionist.'
And his fame went abroad into all lands, and they made a feast for him, where they sung aloud, merrily,
'We will not go home, no, not until the morning.
'Until the dayspring shineth we will not repair unto our dwellings.
'Advance rapidly in the days of thy youth,
'For it will come to pass that in thy declining years it will not be possible.
'Let the tongue of scandal be silent, and let the foot of dull care be no longer in our dwelling.
'It was in the centre of the Boomjalang, even on a summer day did it come to pass,—rip snap, let her be again exalted!
'Now let all the elders who are not wedded, even they that are without wives, fill up the goblet, and let those who are assembled live for many years!
'Let them drink each unto the handmaid of his heart. May we live for many years!
'Vive l'amour, vive le vin, vive la compagnie!
'We will dance through the hours of darkness to the dayspring, and return with the damsels, even unto their dwellings.
'There was a man named JOHN BROWN; he owned a little one and it was an Indian, yea, two Indian boys were among his heritage.
'The ten spot taketh the nine, but is itself taken by the ace, and since we are here assembled let us drink!
'I will advance on my charger all night, even by day will I not tarry; lo! I have wagered my shekels on the steed with a shortened tail; who will stake his gold on the bay?
'Great was COCK ROBIN, and JAMES BUCHANAN was not small, neither is WIKOFF,
'But greater than all is HOLLINS,—who shall prevail against him?'
CHAPTER II.
In the days of war, even after the South had seceded,
When the arrows of the North were pointed, and the strong men had gone forth unto battle;
When the ships had closed up the ports of the great cities, and their marts were desolate;
When the damsels that had aforetime walked in fine linen and purple, and precious stones, were clad in homespun and went to indigenous parties; When the Mississippi was blockaded by the Preble and Vincennes, and many more and several such;
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Then HOLLINS got himself ready for battle: with great boasting and mighty words did he gird on his armor,
Saying, 'Be not afraid, it is I who will unfold the terrors of my wrath; the Yankees shall utterly wither away, their ships will I burn, and their captains will I take captive, in a highly extra manner.
'Did I not burn Greytown? was it not I who made the niggers run? who shall stand before me?'
Now they had made a thing which they called a steam-ram, an iron-covered boat, like unto a serpent, even like unto the evil beast which crawleth upon its belly, eating dirt, as do many of those who made it.
And all the South rejoiced over it, the voices of many editors were uplifted,
According to the Revised Statutes,
Prophesying sure death and sudden ruin, on back action principles.
Yea, there were those who opined that the ram would suffice to destroy the whole North, or at least its navy—there or thereabouts.
And they cried aloud that the rams of Jericho were nowhere, and that the great ram of Derby, was but as a ramlet compared to this.
And the reporters of the Crescent and Bee, and Delta, and Picayune, and they of the kangaroon Creole French press, went to see it,
And returned with their eyes greatly enlarged, so that they seemed as those of the fish men take from a mile depth in the Gulf of Nice,—which are excessively magnocular,—even as large as the round tower of Copenhagen were their optics,
Declaring that on the face of the earth was no such marvel as the ram; the wonderful wonder of wonders did it seem unto them; sharp death at short notice on craft of all sizes.
Then HOLLINS got unto himself divers tugs and clam-boats, ferry-boats, and one or two larger craft, which thieves had stolen privily aforetime from the government,
For in that land all was done in those days by stealing; pilfering and robbing were among them from the beginning.
And he went forth to battle.
Chapter III.
Now it was about the middle of the third watch of the night,
Came a messenger bearing good tidings unto the Philistines, even unto the Pelicans and Swampers of New Orleans,
Saying, 'He has done it, well he has. C'est un fait accompli.'
Then got they all together in great joy, crying aloud, 'Vive Hollane!—hurrah for Hollins! viva el adelantado! Massa Hollums fur ebber! Der Hollins soll leben! Go it, old Haulins! Evviva il capitano Hollino! Hip, hip, hurroo, ye divils, for Hollins!'
Then there stood up in the high place one bearing a dispatch, which was opened, the words whereof read he unto them:
[THE DISPATCH.]
'I have peppered them.
'Peppered, peppered, peppered, peppepa-peppered them.
'Pip, pap, pep, pop, pup-uppered 'em.
'I drove 'em all before me—glory, g'lang; knocked 'em higher 'n a kite and peppered 'em.
'I sunk the Preble, and the Vincennes did I send to thunder. I peppered 'em.
'The ram has rammed everything to pieces, and the rest did I drive high and dry ashore, where I peppered 'em.
'What was left did my ships destroy; verily I peppered 'em.
'The residue thereof, lo! was it not burnt up by my fire-ships?—yea, they were peppered.
'The remainder I am even now peppering, and the others will I continue to pepper.
'Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers—even so did I—such a peppering never yet was seen, neither aforetime, or aftertime, not in the land where the pepper grows, or any other time.
'I peppered 'em.'
And lo! when this was read there arose such a cry of joy as never was heard, no, not at the Tower of Babel on Saturday night.
And he who read, said: 'Rome was redeemed for a thousand pounds of pepper and a thousand of gold, pound for pound did they weigh it out. But such pepper as this is beyond price—yea, beyond all gold.
'But what are they whom he has conquered, oh my soul? Dirt and Iniquity is their name, evil are their ways, cuss and confound them!
'It was not worth the while for a gentleman to fight such scallawags—behold, a [pg 236] blind nigger in a mud-scow could have put them to flight—even a blind nigger should we have sent against them.
'Great and glorious is HOLLINS, splendid is his fame, great is his victory, beyond all those of the Meads and Prussians, Cherrynea and Chepultapec, Thermopilus and Vagrom.'
Then it was telegrammed all over the South, and the rest of mankind, that HOLLINS had peppered the fleet, and pulverized the last particle thereof into small-sized annihilation.
CHAPTER IV.
But on the evening of the first day there came yet other tidings of a reactive character,
Saying that a confounded abolitionist man-of-war was still there giving block-aid to Uncle Sam.
And HOLLINS, who was in town, being asked what this might mean,
Said, 'Fudge!
'Go to, it is naught. Now I come to think of it, there was one infernal little sneaking 90-gun Yankee frigate,
'Which, hearing of my coming, ran away six hours before the battle—ere that I had peppered 'em.'
But lo! even as he spake came yet another message, declaring there were twain.
Then HOLLINS declared, 'It is a d——d lie, and he who says it is another—an abolitionist is he in his heart. Did I not pepper 'em?'
But lo, even as he sware there came yet another,
Saying, 'Let not my lord be angry, but with these eyes have I seen it; by many others was it perceived.
'Whether the ships which my lord peppered have risen again I know not, but if the whole Yankee fleet isn't there again, all sound and right side up with care, I hope I may be drotted into everlasting turpentine.'
Then the newspapers arose and reviled HOLLINS,
Calling him a humbug—even a humbug called they him.
As for the multitude, they laughed him to scorn; such a blackguarding never received man before,
Calling him an old blower and bloat, a gas-bag and fanfaron, a Gascon and a carajo, alma miserabile, and a pudding-head, a sacre menteur and a verfluchte prahlerische Hauptesel, a brassy old blunder-head and a spupsy, un sot sans pareil and a darned old hoffmagander; a pepper-pot-pourri, a thafe of the wurreld and an owld baste, the divil's blissing an him!
In French, English, Dutch, Spanish and Irish, Yankee and Creole, yea, even in Nigger and in Natchez Indian, reviled they him.
And the rumor thereof went abroad into all lands, that HOLLINS had been compelled to hand in his horns.
How are the mighty fallen, how is he that was exalted cut down in his salary!
Beware, oh my son, that thou pullest not the long bow ere the bowstring be twisted, or ever the arrow be at hand—send not in thy bill ere the customer have bought the goods.
Sell not the skin ere thou catchest the bear, and give not out thy wedding cards before thou hast popped the question.
For all these things did HOLLINS—verily he hath his reward.
CHRISTOPHER NORTH, in Blackwood, and many others since him, have popularized this style of chronicle-English of the sixteenth century, and our contributor has sound precedent for his imitations. 'Should time permit, nor the occasion fail,' we trust to have him with us in the following number. Our thanks are due to some scores of cotemporaries who have republished the last Chronicle, and for the praise which they lavished on it.
To HENRY P. LELAND we are indebted for a
SONNET TO JOHN JONES.
Thou who dost walk round town, not quite unknown,
I have a word to speak within thy ear.
Hast thou no dread to hear in trumpet tone
'John Jones has got a contract!'—dost not fear
Thy children, yet unborn, may then disown
The parent, with whose name they thus may hear
Transactions worse than usury's heaviest loan
Of twenty odd per cent. and more a year?
Oh, John! I pray thee that within thy heart
The lesson that 'Police Court' teaches thee,
That other Jones' rob hen-roosts, and take part
In many a rousing fight and drunken spree,
May have its influence; and that thou wilt start
And have thy name changed, quickly as may be.
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Who has not had his attention called to the small, black carpet-bags which so greatly prevail in this very traveling community? Who has not heard of mistakes which have occurred owing to their frequency and similarity, and who in fact has not lost one himself? That these mistakes may sometimes lead to merrily-moving, serio-comic results, is set forth, not badly, as it seems to us, in the following story:—