THE MONSTROSITY
(A True Experience)
by Hoy Ping Pong
(Apologies to Kenneth B. Pritchard)
Many people have seen freaks and monsters, both in the circus and in their nightmares, especially after a gay night, but this which I tell of happened when I was cold sober, on a crispy winter night in the middle of July. (Don't laugh—this might have happened in Australia—Editor).
I had returned from a party, and to be sure, I was half lit up, for I had dashed down several canters of buttermilk, but nevertheless, I was cold sober when I met the great adventure! I had just about reached home, when my sixth sense warned me that something was wrong. I looked about.
The snow covered the ground several inches thick, but as far as I could see, not a single footprint marred the beauty of it. I even turned to look behind me, but could not see my own tracks. Too peaceful. I had a grim foreboding of something evil. For want of something better to do, I bent over and tied my shoelace. And then I saw it!
For as I bent over, I caught a glimpse of a monstrous foot protruding from behind a nearby tree! Hastily, I assumed an innocent manner and straightened. I must not let the Thing know I had seen it! Nonchalantly, I lighted a Fizwig and blew smoke rings. And then it happened!
For the monster stepped out from behind the tree and approached me! He was the strangest thing I had ever seen! All of six foot tall, four queer limbs protruding from his body, a round, shiny cranium perched upon what I took to be shoulders, and a mass of hanging brown stuff sticking to the cranium. He had on some queer dress of blue material, with shoulder straps on each side. I mumbled in fear and awaited his approach.
For several seconds he surveyed me, and then, much to my absolute horror, he spoke. Spoke to me! My hair stood straight up in the air, my eyes rolled, and I fainted at those fearful words: "I say, old chap, could you direct me to the post office?"