Report to the Secretary of War

on the Russo-Japanese War by Gen. Buzfuz, U.S.A.

The war was contrary to all rules of warfare adopted by civilized nations because: It was not started by a newspaper. The scene of operations was not laid near a fashionable resort. Photographers and correspondents were not allowed to inspect the officers' wardrobes. There was no San Juan Hill. The officers gave no afternoon teas, dinners, or balls. The officers looked after their commands instead of writing magazine articles. The soldiers were fed real food. Thousands upon thousands of soldiers were killed. The ships sunk in the naval battle were sunk in deep water. No great scandal arose from the purchase of food, clothing, or ammunition. No newspaper or magazine controversy has been started over who won the battles.

Political Note:
Politicians are bought, not made. Health Hint:
Persons too serious to take a joke should take a vacation.

It was not started by a newspaper.
The scene of operations was not laid near a fashionable resort.
Photographers and correspondents were not allowed to inspect the officers' wardrobes.
There was no San Juan Hill.
The officers gave no afternoon teas, dinners, or balls.
The officers looked after their commands instead of writing magazine articles.
The soldiers were fed real food.
Thousands upon thousands of soldiers were killed.
The ships sunk in the naval battle were sunk in deep water.
No great scandal arose from the purchase of food, clothing, or ammunition.
No newspaper or magazine controversy has been started over who won the battles.

SUNDAY
MONDAY	(1886) Dumb piano invented by Virgil. Rejoicing in Harlem.
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY	(1547) Silk stockings first worn by Henry II of France. Rainy days become popular.
FRIDAY	The woman who wears a short bathing skirt is not necessarily immodest. She may be the wife of a popular magazine editor and cultivate exposure because she has caught the habit.
	—Supton Eclair.
SATURDAY

	AUGUST

	No successful business man ever spends his own money.