PART X.
AN ALL-IMPORTANT SUBJECT CONCLUDED.
“Her price is far above rubies.”—Proverbs xxxi. 10.
want to begin our evening talk, once more, by asking a somewhat searching question. I know I shall not offend my dear girl friends by so doing.
When you are looking forward to meeting the one on whose good opinion you place the greatest value, on what do you bestow most care and attention? Your higher nature, or your outward appearance? Is it not generally the latter? Do you not study what colour best suits your complexion, what style sets off your figure to the greatest advantage, or whether you have heard him express approval of one dress above all others?
To use the common phrase, you “want to look nice” in the eyes of that one who has done all but tell you that you occupy the first place in his heart, and to whom you have virtually given your own.
Do I blame you for wishing to be externally attractive? Assuredly not. It is your duty to try and be so at all times and under all circumstances.
Only, do not be too anxious about outside adornment. Let your life commend you, rather than your good looks or your tasteful dress. These may attract in the first instance, but they will not keep what is best worth having.
A friend once spoke to the mother of a large family of girls in regard to the anxiety she must feel about their future settlement in life.
She answered with a bright smile, which suggested anything but anxiety, “I try so to train my girls that they will be fit for the sacred duties that wives and mothers have to fulfil, and I leave the rest to God.”
One would like to see all girls actuated by the same spirit, that, without undervaluing anything that helps to make them externally attractive, they should cultivate every quality that will place them on a level with the best man in the best things.
In speaking to you, dear girl members of my Twilight circle, I assume that you desire in all your ways to acknowledge God, and pray that He will direct your paths. Can there be a more important matter on which you need guidance than that on which the happiness of your future life depends? And yet, how common it is for girls to be so carried away by flattering words and delicate attentions, which make them the envy of others, that they do not pause to think how small a part these things play in most married lives.
Are you accustomed to lay bare your heart to God in prayer, and to seek His aid in all things? If so, have you asked yourself whether the one to whose keeping you think of committing your future, will be likely to kneel by your side and join heart to heart with you in making your joint requests known to God?
Believe me, if husband and wife never pray together, they never taste the sweetest portion possible in the cup of wedded happiness.
If their ways diverge when the path leads to the House of God; if they neither worship together in the home nor the sanctuary, they are without the precious bond of union that makes their lives truly one here, and gives the assurance of an eternal reunion beyond the grave.
There are many indications of character which may seem trivial in the eyes of some of you, but which ought to be deemed danger signals in regard to married life in the future. For instance, an occasional giving way to intemperance. Jesting about sacred things or passages from the Bible. Breaches of faith in minor matters. Disregard of truth, duplicity or evasion. Lavish expenditure and indifference about incurring debts. Carelessness as to the comfort and convenience of other members of the family, and want of respect towards parents.
These are but a few of the tendencies which are almost certain to develop into habits later in life, and to bring anxiety and sorrow with them.
A girl can make no greater mistake than to think that, after marriage, her influence alone will suffice to conquer all such tendencies. A man naturally tries to present the best side of his character to the girl he seeks to win, and if the best is disfigured by serious blemishes, believe me, these will be more likely to grow than to disappear after marriage.
Not that I would underrate the possible influence of a good woman. But to a good girl I would say, “Let your suitor, who is ready to promise anything if you will say ‘yes’ to his suit, begin his work of reformation now. Tell him frankly that your heart inclines to favour him, but conscience warns you not to link your life with his until you feel that the habits which threaten your future happiness have been overcome by God-given strength. Say that you will wait, prayerfully and patiently, during the testing-time, but that you dare not consent to an unequal yoke. If he truly loves you he will receive your answer in a right spirit, and will value and respect you the more for it.”
If, on the contrary, he should prove unwilling to turn from the sin which so easily besets him, be assured that the test has been wisely applied, and thank God that you had the courage to use it. If we do right at all costs to our own inclinations, we may with confidence leave our future in God’s hands, and be sure that He will have some better thing in store for us in His own good time.
You, my dear ones, must, however, look within, as well as at all that can be discerned in the characters of those who come to woo you. A true heart should have its counterpart in exchange. If one is offered, see that you give an equivalent, and do not dare to accept that for which you can give no fair return.
To accept true affection only because of the money or position that comes with it, and to feign the love you do not feel in order to secure a share of the wealth you covet, is to commit a fraud of the worst and most contemptible kind. You cannot, it is true, be called to account before an earthly tribunal, but you will assuredly pay the penalty of deceit and selfishness in one way or another.
There are some girls, dear good girls too, who get a little carried away by the sense of power and proprietorship that comes with an engagement.
Does it not seem delightful to look up at the fine, strong sample of humanity, whom love has made your captive, and to think to yourself, “He is ready to give his strength, his means, his time, all that he has, to promote my happiness”?
Does the thought of such honest devotion make you proud or humble; anxious to display your power or to repay and deserve such devotion?
Who has not heard such words as these from girlish lips? “I can twist him round my little finger.” “He almost worships the ground I tread on.” And forthwith the speaker proceeds to prove the truth of her assertion by little, teasing, coquettish ways that are unworthy to have a place where true love is concerned. These airs and graces and tantalising ways are only like pin pricks, but they wound and leave scars which do not easily wear away.
The more tender and sincere is the nature with which you have to do, the more likely is it to retain the painful impression produced by such methods. I am not going to describe them exactly. You all know what I mean, and, in your hearts, acknowledge that they are unworthy accompaniments even to your self-respect, to say nothing of the esteem which should always go with love for your future mate.
If you believe in your fiancé’s truth, be content without compelling him to make a perpetual show of his devotion for the gratification of your vanity. Good men are pained by such experiments; men of lower natures are apt to retaliate, though, it may be, not immediately.
A husband of many years’ standing once told me that a few words, half jesting, half taunting, from the girl to whom he was engaged, had nearly caused a final parting. They did not, for the girl, finding that she had gone too far, expressed her regret and was forgiven. But the effect of her stinging words did not soon pass away. The girl forgot them. The man’s memory was too faithful, and after a long married life he could not think of them without a renewal of the old pain. “I would give anything to blot out the memory of that girlish taunt,” he said, “but I cannot, and it hurts me after all these years!”
A good man I knew said to the girl who had just promised to be his wife, “I have asked you to share my home and my life because you are dearer to me than all the world besides. Your consent has made me very happy. Now, dear, I want you to trust me fully, and never to stoop to test my affection, as I have seen some girls do, in order to display their power over a man. I have perfect confidence in you, and, though we shall be parted for some months to come, I shall be cheered by the thought that at the end of them our real life union will begin. If at any time you should not receive a letter just when you look for it, or my coming should be delayed, be sure that I have not willingly disappointed you. Wait patiently, and trust me under all circumstances, as I trust you.”
The girl promised. The quiet, simple words and the look of love and faith in the speaker’s face went to her heart. “Come what may, I shall always trust you,” she said, “whether in great or little things.”
Circumstances followed—quite unforeseen at the time the pair became engaged—which tested to the utmost the affection and trust of both. But they stood the test, and when at length difficulties were overcome, their union was not the less happy, because, if they had trodden a somewhat thorny road before reaching the bright home they shared together, neither doubt nor waning affection had helped to darken the way.
Sweethearts and wives have such grand opportunities for showing their power that they need not stoop from the high standpoint, at which every truly noble-minded woman aims, in order to gratify petty vanity.
The girl fiancée and the wife are alike unequal to lover or husband in mere physical strength. That is natural, and therefore right. But in time of trouble many a man, ready to sink under the weight of it, has gained new strength and courage from her whom he has hitherto deemed the weaker vessel. Her words may have been few, but they have always been suggestive of hope and cheer, and said at the right moment.
There has been no “I told you how it would be,” no allusion to mistakes made or the ignoring of advice which would have prevented them, but pity for him who is only too acutely conscious of all that has been wrong. Yet, when gloom and despair were about the man’s path and in his heart, both have fled before a wife’s devoted ministry and the light of love on her face. Perhaps she has told him that she knows their changed circumstances trouble him more on her account than on his own, but that, with him, she is strong to face them, and she proves it by patient endurance and by making the best of all things. He sees that she resolutely turns her face to the bright side—and I truly believe there always is a bright side—and thus she induces him to open his despairing eyes to the light, though as yet it may be only a distant glimmer hard to discern.
A man with such a helper to cheer him on will be heartened to try again, though he had given up hope. Her courage will make him a coward in his own eyes, so he will raise his listless hands and shoulder his load anew for her dear sake. He has felt that it would be impossible for him to hold up his head again amongst his fellows, but with the knowledge that a good girl or woman loves and trusts him, despair is impossible. She believes that the one defeat has taught him to mistrust himself, and that he will seek strength from God to fight again and to conquer.
Can you not, my dear girls, imagine a man ready to face, dare, or do anything in order to prove himself worthy of such whole-hearted affection and trust?
I have been asked whether the early or later years of married life are the happier. I think, nay, I am sure the later ones ought to be, if the union was first founded on love, faith, and respect. All these feelings should grow stronger as time goes on, and, just like the fair flowers that need the gardener’s care to perfect them, they should be carefully cultivated.
We show our love far more by the little things that go to make up the sum of happiness in everyday life, than by occasional great sacrifices.
The engaged girl carefully notes the likings and dislikes of her intended husband. She ministers to the one and will not provoke a manifestation of the other. She watches for a chance of doing something for him and giving him pleasure. Does she ever leave him abruptly, or allow him to leave her without an affectionate farewell?
Ah, no! We all know that the farewells of an affianced pair are apt to be long drawn out. The girl thinks that nothing can be too good for him who is dearest of all. No effort seems too great when it is seasoned by love.
If such is the case before marriage, how much more should the practice of all sweet observances and courteous habits, care in little things to avoid giving pain and to minister pleasure, be in constant evidence after marriage!
Little things are often the means of drawing people together in the first instance. It is much easier to win affection than to keep it, and, better still, to be conscious that it has grown and strengthened through the long years of married life. And it is only in the sanctuary of their home that husband and wife learn truly to know each other, and to grow into that perfect unity so rarely attained even by those whom we call happy couples.
It so often happens that people who are most scrupulous as to their “society manners,” forget to render ordinary courtesy to their own belongings. They seem to think anything is good enough for the home circle. Can there be a greater mistake? Those who are joined to us by the dearest of ties are surely the ones to whom everything we have of the best should be scrupulously rendered.
I was charmed a while ago, when I was talking with a mother of grown-up sons about her father. I had known her from her early teens, and we have been great friends always. It was beautiful to see her face light with pleasure as she said, “I was telling him only the other day that I never receive from anyone such perfect courtesy and attention as I do from my own dear father, and now he is eighty years old. But he has always, everywhere, and to every person, been the same.” And I, who had long experienced this, could endorse her words.
So, dear ones, keep your very best manners for home, and they will not fail you in other circles.
Dear girl wives, be as thoughtful for your husbands as you were for your lovers—and more. Do not let them miss the loving farewell when they go out to their daily battle with the world, whether it be in the field of commerce, the learned professions, art, or behind the counter.
In the humbler but no less useful fields of toil, the farm or the mill, the man will be cheered by the memory of loving words and the prospect of your welcoming face and kiss when he comes home weary, toil-worn, perchance downhearted.
And knowing how you will meet him, he will quicken his tired feet, that he may the sooner receive the greeting for which his heart longs. If he has good news to bring, the way will seem doubly long because of his eagerness to share it with you.
There are times when the best of men are almost too sad and weary to bear sympathy of the demonstrative sort, when everything seems to have gone wrong, and all they want is just to be left in peace for a while.
Real sympathy is many-sided, as you all know. It may be of the fussy sort, which cannot be satisfied without incessant expression, either in word or deed. Kindly meant, it is apt to jar on its object.
There may be more wisdom and no less sympathy shown by silence than by words. Thoughtful loving actions will not be lost on the weary, worried man of business, who has found it impossible to leave all his cares outside the threshold of home. I knew a man who used to say to his almost too sympathetic wife, “Let me be quiet a little, my dear, I want to think things out. I shall be all right by and by.”
Then the wife knew that kind words or the touch of a loving hand was better withheld, and possessed her soul in patience until the thinking out was done, and her husband was his bright self again.
The wife’s character should be great enough to grasp the greatest things that come within her province, yet comprehensive enough to stoop to the least. Do you wish to look upon a picture which represents a perfect wife? There is one drawn in words by an inspired writer. Turn to Proverbs xxxi., and read from the tenth verse to the end.
Note, first, her value. “Her price is far above rubies.” Her faithfulness. “The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.”
Her devotion is of no fitful sort. “She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.”
She is clever and far-seeing, and able to turn the means with which she has been entrusted to good account in her purchases of land and of goods.
She is industrious. “She riseth also while it is yet night.” “She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.”
She thinks and cares for those she rules for. “She giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.” “She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all ... are clothed with scarlet.”
In the midst of wealth and abundance she seeks out, and blesses by her bounty, those who are less favoured. Note the expression. “She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.”
No niggardly giving here. She seeks rather than is sought by the poor. She is the cheerful giver whom God loveth.
She does not despise rich and beautiful clothing, becoming to her position. “Her clothing is silk and purple,” which she may well wear with satisfaction, seeing that she has cared for the needs of others both near and afar off. But she has better garments than the silk and purple, for “strength and honour are her clothing” also.
With all her strength, riches, commercial shrewdness and industry, she combines wisdom and kindness in deed and word. “In her tongue is the law of kindness.”
Good mistress! Good wife! Good mother! “She looketh well to the ways of her household.” “Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.”
Note the summing up of the whole matter. “Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.... Let her own works praise her.”
What, save a life spent in the faith and fear of God, could furnish such a picture? What, save the grace of God and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, could be sufficient for such things?
And these must have been sought by prayer, and God’s blessing on the study of His Word.
I have said much to you, dear girl friends, of my own happy married life. Shall I tell you what made it so?
It was the being of one heart and one mind in the highest and best things. We knelt, prayed, worshipped, and worked as one, and love, trust, and true respect were the foundation of our union which grew ever closer and dearer with the years we spent together.
Of all the precious memories I retain of my wedded life, one stands out beyond the rest.
It was on the last day of it that he bade me lie down by his side. Drawing me close to him, he held me in those dear, worn arms, as if he could not bear to loose the clasp, kissing me tenderly and repeatedly. Then, when he could no longer hold me for very weakness, he said, “Oh, my darling, my darling! Even you do not know how much I have loved you.”
Have I done right in drawing aside the veil, and showing to you, my dear girl friends, this picture of what was truly his farewell?
I hope it will not have been done in vain. People may talk as they will about the first whispered words of love and their sweetness. I can recall such to mind.
Think you that any or all of them are worth naming in comparison with those precious last words from dying lips, after so many years of wedded life and happiness together?
(To be continued.)