MY MEMOIRS, OR MYSELF AS I AM.
WRITTEN IN TEN MINUTES.
TABLE OF CONTENTS.
I. MY BIRTH. II. MY EDUCATION. III. MY SUFFERINGS. IV. PRIVATIONS. V. MEMORABLE EPOCHS. VI. MORAL TRAITS. VII. IMPORTANT RESOLUTION. VIII. WHAT I WAS AND WHAT I MIGHT HAVE BEEN. IX. RESPECTABLE PRINCIPLES. X. MY TASTES. XI. MY DISLIKES. XII. ANALYSIS OF MY LIFE. XIII. BOUNTIES OF HEAVEN. XIV. MY EPITAPH. XV. DEDICATORY EPISTLE.
CHAPTER I: MY BIRTH.
On the twelfth day of March, 1765, I emerged from darkness into the light of day. I was measured, I was weighed, I was baptised. I was born without knowing wherefore, and my parents thanked heaven without knowing for what.
CHAPTER II: MY EDUCATION.
I was taught all sorts of things, and learned all kinds of languages. By dint of impudence and quackery, I sometimes passed for a savant. My head has become a library of odd volumes, of which I keep the key.
CHAPTER III: MY SUFFERINGS.
I was tormented by masters; by tailors who made tight dresses for me; by women, by ambition, by self-love, by useless regrets, by kings, and by remembrances.
CHAPTER IV: PRIVATIONS.
I have been deprived of the three great enjoyments of the human species; theft, gluttony, and pride.
CHAPTER V: MEMORABLE EPOCHS.
At the age of thirty, I gave up dancing; at forty, my endeavors to please the fair sex; at fifty, my regard of public opinion; at sixty, the trouble of thinking; and I have now become a true sage, or egotist, which is the same thing.
CHAPTER VI: MORAL TRAITS.
I was stubborn as a mule, capricious as a coquette, frolicksome as a child, lazy as a dormouse, active as Bonaparte, and all at my pleasure.
CHAPTER VII: IMPORTANT RESOLUTION.
Never having been able to master my countenance, I let loose the bridle of my tongue, and contracted the bad habit of thinking aloud. This procured me some pleasures and many enemies.
CHAPTER VIII: WHAT I WAS AND WHAT I MIGHT HAVE BEEN.
I have been very sensible of friendship and confidence; and if I had been born in the golden age, I might perhaps have been a very excellent man.
CHAPTER IX: RESPECTABLE PRINCIPLES.
I have never meddled in any marriages or scandal. I have never recommended a cook or a physician; and consequently have never attempted the life of any one.
CHAPTER X: MY TASTES.
I took pleasure in small parties, and was fond of a walk in the woods. I had an involuntary veneration for the sun, and his setting often made me sad. Of colors I preferred blue; in eating, beef with horse-radish; for drinking, cold water; at the theatre, comedy and farce; of men and women, open and expressive countenances. Hunchbacks of both sexes always had a peculiar charm for me, which I could never define.
CHAPTER XI: MY DISLIKES.
I had a dislike to sots and fops, and to intriguing women who make a game of virtue; a disgust for affectation; pity for made-up men and painted women; an aversion to rats, liquors, metaphysics, and rhubarb; and a terror of justice and wild beasts.
CHAPTER XII: ANALYSIS OF MY LIFE.
I await death without fear and without impatience. My life has been a bad melo-drama on a grand stage, where I have played the hero, the tyrant, the lover, the nobleman, but never the valet.
CHAPTER XIII: THE BOUNTIES OF HEAVEN.
My great happiness consists in being independent of the three individuals who govern Europe. As I am sufficiently rich, meddle not with politics, and care very little for music, of course I have nothing to do with Rothschild, Metternich, or Rossini.
CHAPTER XIV: MY EPITAPH.
'Here lies, in hope of repose, an old deceased devil, with a worn-out spirit, an exhausted heart, and a used-up body. Ladies and Gentlemen, pass on!'
DEDICATORY EPISTLE TO THE PUBLIC.
Dog of a Public! discordant organ of the passions! thou who raisest thy minion to heaven, and then plungest him in the mire; thou who extollest and slanderest without knowing why; image of the tocsin; echo of thyself; absurd tyrant; offscouring of the meanest houses; extract of the most subtle poisons and of the most exquisite perfumes; representative of the devil among the human species; a fury masked in Christian charity!—Public! whom I feared in my youth, respected in my riper years, and despised in my old age; it is to thee that I dedicate my memoirs. Gentle Public! I am at last out of thy reach, for I am dead, and consequently deaf, blind, and mute. Mayest thou enjoy these advantages for thy own repose and for that of the human race!
We read in the 'Bibliographie Universelle et Portative des Contemporains' that 'when Count Rostoptchin visited Paris, people were not a little surprised to find a man of wit and good breeding in one whom until now they had regarded as a 'ferocious Tartar.' This brutal epithet was no more suitable to a man like Count Rostoptchin than that of 'an incendiary,' with which Madame d'Abrantes has honored him in her memoirs. A great many piquant sayings are attributed to him, of which we will merely quote the following: 'I came to France,' said he, 'to judge for myself of the real merit of three celebrated men; the Duke of Otranto, Prince Talleyrand, and Potier.[C] It is only the last who seems to me to come up to his reputation.'
Here is another piquant anecdote. One day when the Emperor Paul I. was surrounded by a numerous circle, among whom were many Russian princes, and count Rostoptchin, his favorite minister, 'Tell me,' abruptly asked he of the latter, 'why are you not a prince?'
After a moment's hesitation at this singular question, Count Rostoptchin replied:
'Will your Imperial Majesty permit me to give the true reason?'
'Undoubtedly.' 'It is because my ancestor, who came from Tartary to settle in Russia, arrived there in the winter time.'
'Ah! and what had the season of the year to do with the title that was given him?'
'This, your Majesty; when a Tartar-lord made his first appearance at court, it was the custom for the sovereign to give him the choice between a fur-cloak and the title of prince. My ancestor arrived during a very severe winter, and had the good sense to prefer the former.'
Paul laughed heartily at this reply; and turning to the princes who were present: 'See, gentlemen,' said he; 'you may congratulate yourselves that your ancestors did not arrive in the winter!'