AN HONOURABLE "INDEPENDENT" FAMILY.
The Honourable Mister Augustus Headerton, who lived once in yonder villa, was the youngest of eleven children, and consequently the junior brother of the noble Lord of Headerton, nephew of the Honourable Justice Cleaveland, nephew of Admiral Barrymore, K.C.B., &c. &c. &c.; and cousin first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, or seventh remove—to all the honourables and dishonourables in the country.
When the old earl died, he left four Chancery suits, and a nominal estate to the heir apparent, to whom he also bequeathed his three younger brothers and sisters, who had only small annuities from their mother's fortune, being assured that (to use his own words), "he might depend on him for the honour of the family, to provide for them handsomely." And so he did (in his own estimation); his lady sisters had "the run of the house," and Mr. Augustus Headerton had the run of the stables, the use of hunters and dogs, and was universally acknowledged to possess "a proper spirit," because he spent three times more than his income. "He bates the world and all, for beauty, in a hunting jacket," exclaimed the groom. "He flies a gate beyant any living sowl I iver seed, and his tallyho, my jewel—'twould do y'er heart good to hear his tallyho!" said my lord's huntsman. "He's a generous jontleman as any in the kingdom—I'll say that for him, any day in the year," echoed the coachman. "He's admired more nor any jintleman as walks Steven's Green in a month o' Sundays, I'll go bail," continued Miss Jenny Roe, the ladies' maid.
"Choose a profession!" Oh! no; impossible. An Irish gentleman choose a profession! But the Honourable Mr. Augustus Headerton chose a wife, and threw all his relations, including Lord Headerton, the Honourable Justice Cleaveland, Admiral Barrymore, K.C.B., and his cousins to the fiftieth remove, into strong convulsions, or little fits. She, the lady, had sixty thousand pounds; that, of course, they could not object to. She had eloped with the Honourable Mr. Augustus Headerton;—mere youthful indiscretion. She was little and ugly;—that only concerned her husband. She was proud and extravagant;—those (they said) were lady-like failings. She was ignorant and stupid;—her sisters-in-law would have pardoned that. She was vulgar;—that was awkward. Her father was a carcass butcher in Cole's Lane market—death and destruction!
It could never be forgiven! the cut direct was unanimously agreed on, and the little lady turned up her little nose in disdain, as her handsome barouche rolled past the lumbering carriage of the Right Honourable Lord Headerton. She persuaded her husband to purchase that beautiful villa, in view of the family domain, that she might have more frequent opportunities of bringing, as she elegantly expressed it, "the proud beggars to their trumps;—and why not?—money's money, all the world over." The Honourable Mister Augustus depended on his agent for the purchase, and some two thousand and odd pounds were consequently paid, or said to have been paid, for it, more than its value. And then commenced the general warfare; full purse and empty head—versus no purse, and old nobility. They had the satisfaction of ruining each other—the full purse was emptied by devouring duns, and the old nobility suffered by its connexion with vulgarity.
"I want to know, Honourable Mister Augustus Headerton"—(the lady always gave the full name when addressing her husband; she used to say it was all she got for her money),—"I want to know, Honourable Mister Augustus Headerton, the reason why the music master's lessons, given to the Misses Headerton (they were blessed with seven sweet pledges of affection), have not been paid for? I desired the steward to see to it, and you know I depend on him to settle these matters."
The Honourable Mrs. Augustus Headerton rang the bell—"Send Martin up."
"Mister Martin," the lady began, "what is the reason that Mr. Langi's account has not been paid?"
"My master, ma'am knows that I have been anxious for him to look over the accounts; the goings-out are so very great, and the comings-in, as far as I know"—The Honourable Mister Augustus Headerton spilt some of the whiskey-punch he was drinking, over a splendid hearth-rug, which drew the lady's attention from what would have been an unpleasant eclaircissement.
"I cannot understand why difficulties should arise. I am certain I brought a fortune large enough for all extravagance," was the lady's constant remark when expenditure was mentioned. Years pass over the heads of the young—and they grow old; and over the heads of fools—but they never grow wise.
The Honourable Mister and Mistress Augustus Headerton were examples of this truth;—their children grew up around them—but could derive no support from their parent root. The mother had depended on governesses and masters for the education of her girls—and on their beauty, connexions, or accomplishments, to procure them husbands. The father did not deem the labours of study fit occupation for the sons of an ancient house:—"Depend upon it," he would say, "they'll all do well with my connexions—they will be able to command what they please." The Honourable Mistress Augustus could not now boast of a full purse, for they had long been living on the memory of their once ample fortune.
The Honourable Mister Augustus Headerton died, in the forty-fifth year of his age, of inflammation, caught in an old limekiln, where he was concealed to avoid an arrest for the sum of 180 guineas, for black Nell, the famous filly, who won the cup on the Curragh of Kildare—purchased in his name, but without his knowledge, by his second son, the pride of the family—commonly called dashing Dick.
All I know further of the Honourable Mistress Augustus Headerton is, that
"She played at cards, and died."
Miss Georgiana—the beauty, and greatest fool of the family, who depended on her face as a fortune, did get a husband—an old, rich West India planter, and eloped, six months after marriage, with an officer of dragoons.
Miss Celestina was really clever and accomplished. "Use her abilities for her own support!" Oh, no! not for worlds—Too proud to work, but not too proud to beg, she depended on her relations, and played toady to all who would.
Miss Louisa—not clever; but in all other respects, ditto—ditto.
Miss Charlotte was always very romantic; refused a respectable banker with indignation, and married her uncle's footman—for love.
Having sketched the female part of the family first (a compliment by the way they do not always receive from their own sex)—I will tell you what I remember of the gentlemen.
"The Emperor," as Mr. Augustus was called, from his stately manner and dignified deportment, aided by as much self-esteem as could well be contained in a human body, depended, without any "compunctuous visitings of conscience," on the venison, claret, and champagne of his friends, and thought all the time he did them honour:—and thus he passed his life.
"Dashing Dick" was the opposite of the Emperor; sung a good song—told a good story—and gloried in making ladies blush. He depended on his cousin, Colonel Bloomfield, procuring him a commission in his regiment, and cheated tailors, hosiers, glovers, coach-makers, and even lawyers, with impunity. Happily for the world at large, Dashing Dick broke his neck in a steeple chase, on a stolen horse, which he would have been hanged for purloining, had he lived a day longer.
Ferdinand was the bonne-bouche of the family: they used to call him "the Parson!" Excellent Ferdinand!—he depended on his exertions; and, if ever the name of Headerton rises in the scale of moral or intellectual superiority, it will be owing to the steady and virtuous efforts of Mister Ferdinand Headerton, merchant, in the good city of B——.
Sketches of Irish Character, by Mrs. S.C. Hall.