Transcriber's Notes
Where changes have been made to the text these are listed [at the end of the book].
Illustrations have been repositioned only when they interrupted paragraphs in the original. The list of illustrations has retained the original page references.
BILL THE MINDER
Written and illustrated by
W·HEATH ROBINSON
NEW YORK
HENRY HOLT & CO·
1912
Edinburgh: T. and A. Constable, Printers to His Majesty
TO
THE GOOD CHILDREN OF CHLOE AND CRISPIN THE GATHERER OF MUSHROOMS—CHAD, HANNIBAL, QUENTIN, RANDALL, NOAH, RATCHETT, NERO, BIDDULPH, KNUT, AND THE TRULY VIRTUOUS AND BEAUTIFUL BOADICEA, THIS BOOK IS MOST HUMBLY AND RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED BY THE FAITHFUL NARRATOR OF THEIR EVER-WONDERFUL ADVENTURES.
CONTENTS
| PAGE | |
|---|---|
| BILL THE MINDER | [1] |
| THE KING OF TROY | [15] |
| THE ANCIENT MARINER | [33] |
| THE TRIPLETS | [51] |
| GOOD AUNT GALLADIA | [65] |
| THE DOCTOR | [79] |
| THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN | [97] |
| THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN | [115] |
| THE INTERVAL | [133] |
| THE REAL SOLDIER | [147] |
| THE WILD MAN | [165] |
| THE MUSICIAN | [183] |
| THE LOST GROCER | [199] |
| THE MERCHANT'S WIFE | [213] |
| THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS | [227] |
| THE SIEGE OF TROY | [241] |
| THE END | [255] |
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
| COLOURED PLATES | ||
| [FRONTISPIECE] | ||
| THE KING OF TROY COMPELLED TO ASK HIS WAY | To face page | [30] |
| THE SPORT OF EVERY MER-KID | " | [48] |
| HE WAS ALWAYS AT HAND | " | [58] |
| I FELL FROM MY POSITION | " | [72] |
| THE LORD MAYOR HELD A LONG COUNCIL | " | [88] |
| THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN | " | [110] |
| BASIL HERBERT DEVELOPS A CHILBLAIN | " | [122] |
| AND LEFT HIM TO HAVE HIS CRY OUT | " | [140] |
| REGINALD COMPLETELY LOST HIS TEMPER | " | [156] |
| HARMLESS INDEED WERE OUR JOYS | " | [168] |
| AND PLAYED IT FOR MY DELIGHT | " | [190] |
| FOLLOWED HIM AT THE GREATEST SPEED | " | [208] |
| BRINGING WITH THEM A LITTLE OLD MAN | " | [216] |
| THEY CAME UPON A GREAT STONE SPHINX | " | [230] |
| CLOSELY OBSERVED FROM THE WATCH TOWERS | " | [244] |
| PAGE | |
|---|---|
| BILL THE MINDER | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [1] |
| HEADPIECE | [2] |
| HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC | [7] |
| ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OF MINDING | [10] |
| YOUNG TOOTH-CUTTERS FORGOT THEIR TROUBLES | [11] |
| THE ONLY MINDER OF THE DISTRICT | [13] |
| TAILPIECE | [14] |
| THE KING OF TROY | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [15] |
| HEADPIECE | [16] |
| HE CLIMBED THE RICK | [18] |
| HE COMMENCED HIS TALE | [21] |
| WHAT A TIME WE HAD | [26] |
| TAILPIECE | [31] |
| VIGNETTE | [32] |
| THE ANCIENT MARINER | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [33] |
| HEADPIECE | [34] |
| I SIGN ON AS CABIN BOY | [39] |
| I WENT ON WITH MY SANDWICHES | [42] |
| FOR YEARS WE SAILED | [47] |
| TAILPIECE | [49] |
| VIGNETTE | [50] |
| THE TRIPLETS | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [51] |
| HEADPIECE | [52] |
| ENDEAVOURING TO COMFORT THE OLD MAN | [55] |
| WE GREW UP IN COMPARATIVE HAPPINESS | [58] |
| THE TRIPLETS ACCOMPANY THE ARMY | [63] |
| TAILPIECE | [64] |
| GOOD AUNT GALLADIA | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [65] |
| HEADPIECE | [66] |
| I JUST MANAGED TO REACH THE EGGS | [71] |
| I ANGLE THE AIR | [72] |
| I ERECTED MY POLE ON THE SAND | [73] |
| ITS OLD STATELY SELF AGAIN | [75] |
| THE DOCTOR | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [79] |
| HEADPIECE | [80] |
| FAR SOONER HAVE THE MUMPS | [83] |
| THE PUFF BAKER | [87] |
| TREATED WITH DELICIOUS JALAPS | [88] |
| AS SOME PATIENT PREPARED HIS DOSE | [89] |
| THE VERY SPARROWS GREW THIN | [91] |
| POSTCARD | [94] |
| POSTCARD | [95] |
| TAILPIECE | [96] |
| THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [97] |
| HEADPIECE | [98] |
| BOWING POLITELY TO THE PILLAR-BOXES | [103] |
| THE CHURCH STEEPLE HAD BEEN REMOVED | [104] |
| STANDING ALONE UPON THE WALL | [106] |
| DANGLING BY HIS LEGS | [109] |
| TAILPIECE | [113] |
| VIGNETTE | [114] |
| THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [115] |
| HEADPIECE | [116] |
| I TOOK LEAVE OF MY SORROWING FATHER | [120] |
| HARDLY DISGUISING HIS EFFORTS TO IGNORE ME | [121] |
| THEY WERE COMPELLED TO SEND FOR A PHYSICIAN | [125] |
| THE IMPROVEMENT WAS MAINTAINED | [129] |
| DISCOVERED A CLOVE KERNEL | [130] |
| VIGNETTE | [132] |
| THE INTERVAL | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [133] |
| HEADPIECE | [134] |
| I FELL ON TO THE PARSNIP | [137] |
| THEY ALL ONCE MORE STARTED | [138] |
| ON THEIR ADVENTUROUS JOURNEY | [139] |
| THE WHOLE CAMP WAS FAST ASLEEP | [142] |
| TAILPIECE | [145] |
| VIGNETTE | [146] |
| THE REAL SOLDIER | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [147] |
| HEADPIECE | [148] |
| THE REAL SOLDIER | [153] |
| 'BUT HOLD!' CRIED THE PRESIDENT | [156] |
| 'YOUR FATE BE UPON YOUR OWN HEAD' | [157] |
| FLOUNDERING ABOUT IN THE SEA | [159] |
| IN EXPECTATION OF THEIR LEADER | [161] |
| TAILPIECE | [163] |
| VIGNETTE | [164] |
| THE WILD MAN | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [165] |
| HEADPIECE | [166] |
| I PLEADED MY CASE | [169] |
| AND KILLED IT ON THE SPOT | [173] |
| WE COOKED ONE GREAT STEAK | [177] |
| TAILPIECE | [181] |
| VIGNETTE | [182] |
| THE MUSICIAN | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [183] |
| HEADPIECE | [184] |
| SHE NOW MADE OFF TO THE WOODS | [189] |
| HE WOULD CLIMB TO THE TOPMOST BRANCHES | [190] |
| SWEEPING THE DEAD LEAVES | [195] |
| WITH NO OTHER WEALTH THAN MY CONCERTINA | [197] |
| TAILPIECE | [198] |
| THE LOST GROCER | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [199] |
| HEADPIECE | [200] |
| AFFECTED BY HIS STORY | [205] |
| PLUMP INTO THE RIVER WE WENT | [206] |
| THERE GREW IN FRONT OF ME A GREAT MOUND | [209] |
| SNEEZING AND SNEEZING | [211] |
| THE MERCHANT'S WIFE | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [213] |
| HEADPIECE | [214] |
| MOPING ABOUT THE COMMON | [219] |
| KEPT HIM OUT OF MISCHIEF | [223] |
| GLORIOUS TARTS AND SWEETS | [224] |
| IT DIDN'T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ATE | [225] |
| TAILPIECE | [226] |
| THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [227] |
| HEADPIECE | [228] |
| THE HEADS SERVED FOR DOLLS | [233] |
| YOU ARE NOW OUR ONLY HOPE | [234] |
| I FISHED AND FISHED AND FISHED | [237] |
| TAILPIECE | [239] |
| VIGNETTE | [240] |
| THE SIEGE OF TROY | |
| TITLE-PAGE | [241] |
| HEADPIECE | [242] |
| PLAN OF SIEGE | [245] |
| THESE PARCELS WERE NOW LABELLED | [248] |
| AND PACKED HIM OFF TO PERSIA | [251] |
| TROY BECAME THE HAPPIEST TOWN | [253] |
| THE END | |
| VIGNETTE | [256] |
BILL THE MINDER
Old Crispin, the mushroom gatherer, and his good wife Chloe had ten children, and nine of them were bad-tempered. There was Chad, the youngest and most bad-tempered of the lot, Hannibal and Quentin the twins, Randall with the red head, Noah, Ratchett the short-sighted, Nero the worrit, weeping Biddulph and Knut. The only good-tempered child was a little girl named Boadicea.
It is well known that a boy usually takes after his father, and a girl after her mother, and these children were no exception to the rule, for the boys
all resembled old Crispin, whose temper had been rather tried, poor man, by the early hours at which he had to rise, in order to gather the mushrooms when they were quite new and young. On the other hand, Boadicea could only have inherited her good-temper from Chloe, who without doubt was the most good-tempered dame alive.
Now it is quite true that any one who cares to rise early enough in the morning may gather mushrooms, and plenty of them, too, but those who do so only now and again, and merely for amusement, little know the hard life of the professional gatherer, or the skill and judgment he has to cultivate in order to carry on his work with any success.
In the course of time Crispin became so well skilled that he could not only tell a mushroom from a toadstool at the distance of two hundred yards, but his hearing became so acute that he could even hear them growing, and learnt to distinguish the sound of each as it broke through the earth. Indeed, he had no need for any alarm to wake him from his heavy slumbers and call him to his work in the fields. However cautiously a mushroom made its appearance, at its first rumble, old Crispin would jump from his hard bed, hastily dress himself, and, often without tasting a morsel of breakfast, be out of the house and on to the field in time to see the newcomer pop its head through the earth. This he would pick, and then he would hop about with his head on one side
listening for others like some old starling listening for worms, at the same time mewing like a cat to frighten away the birds that prey on the mushrooms. He was then able to fill his basket with the very freshest crop and take them round to people's houses in time for breakfast.
With such anxious work it will be readily understood that few mushroom gatherers can remain in the best of health for many years, and it so happened that in time the anxieties connected with the gathering of mushrooms began to affect old Crispin, so that he fell ill and completely lost his appetite. Chloe called in the doctor, but the latter at first could do nothing for him. He painted Crispin's chest and then his back with iodine; he rubbed him well with the roots of sarsaparilla; he made him sleep first on his right side, then on his left, and finally covered him in brown paper plasters and dock-leaf poultices and sent him to the sea-side with strict injunctions to take to sea-bathing, running, and aeroplaning, but it was all of no avail.
With the assistance of Boadicea, Chloe now tried to tempt her husband with every known and unknown dish, and when these failed, like a good wife, she invented others. She made trifles of vegetable marrow, tartlets of hen feathers to soothe the nerves, salads of spinach and carraway comfits, delicacies composed of porridge and mint, and the most luscious stews of pine-cones and lard. She then tried him with even
lighter dishes, but it was no good. He became thinner and thinner every day, and his temper was growing shorter and shorter, when at last, to her great joy, she succeeded in making a jelly that really seemed to take his fancy.
At first there was little or no sign of improvement, yet he ate a very small portion of the jelly every day, and with this the anxious wife and daughter had to be contented for some time. He had remained in this state for weeks when Chloe resolved slightly to increase his portion. Finding that this did not disagree with him, but that, instead, he became a little stouter and a little better every day, she continued gradually giving him more and more.
At last she discovered that the more Crispin ate of this jelly, the greater his appetite became. In fact, if the truth be told, the old gentleman became in time not only quite well and very stout but also somewhat greedy. At all events, Chloe found that instead of being able to devote more time to her children, after restoring her husband's appetite, she had to give up more and more time to cooking. Crispin now spent the whole day in eating, and things went from bad to very bad, and from very bad to worse. Boadicea assisted her mother to the utmost, yet Chloe, worked almost to death, was at length compelled to look out for a minder, in order that her children might not be entirely neglected.
Many minders from all parts applied for employment,
and, as a test of their skill, she set them the task of cheering the unfortunate Chad, who was cutting all his double teeth at the same time. Some tried to cheer him by singing to him, some by dancing to him; one even hoped to gladden the boy by jumping over him backwards and with a pleasant smile dropping on the grass in front of him. Again, some thought to distract him by running swiftly with him several times round the well, which only made him very ill. Another energetic young minder stood on his head in front of the child for at least ten minutes, which, instead of cheering the lad, nearly frightened him to death. One minder, more experienced than the rest, tried to make him forget his ache by giving him other aches to think of with the aid of a slipper, which he maintained he had succeeded in doing. However, he was not elected, for, try as they would, no one could discover for which ache the child was crying.
Many methods were tried, but none with even the smallest success; in fact, the competition greatly increased the child's discomfort. His howls became terrific, and so heartrending that, as a last resource, Chloe sent for her nephew Bill, who cleaned the boots. Now no one had suspected Bill of having the makings of a good minder in him, but it happened that he knew Chad's little ways, and so, to everybody's surprise and relief, he easily succeeded in keeping him quiet until all the double teeth had been cut. Thereupon he was at once elected Minder to the family.
Bill soon proved that he was no ordinary minder. Having once started on his new work, he took his profession very seriously. He read all the books that had ever been written upon the subject, which were to be found in the library of the British Museum. He talked about it with the most knowing professors of the subject, and he was as well known in the Minding Room of the Patent Museum at South Kensington as in his father's house. And it is even said that he once contrived to be shut in all night by hiding behind a case of red coral rattles when the policeman came round at dusk to shut and lock the doors.
Moreover, as you can see for yourselves in the
pictures, he was always inventing new ways of minding his charges. So expert did he become in time that he was never at a loss with the most fractious, and easily surpassing all rivals, he became the most perfect minder of the district.
Bill's fame spread to the most distant towns, and worrited mothers for miles around flocked to him with their children. He was most successful in distracting the vaccinated, and under his care young tooth-cutters soon forgot their troubles. Even the pangs of indigestion were allayed and the fretfulness of the sleepless lulled to rest by the charm of his ways. Short tempers were lengthened, and terrified midnight wakers were taught to realise how ridiculous were their fears. Screechers ceased to screech, and grizzlers to grizzle, while weepers and howlers reformed their habits and learnt to chuckle throughout the day.
If any one could mind, Bill could!
But life was not all condensed milk and honey to Bill. Like all good minders and men, he had the bad fortune to arouse the jealousy of rivals. The unvarying success which met his clever treatment of the most difficult cases, instead of arousing the admiration of his brother minders, as one would have expected, and making them eager to imitate him, only had the effect of making them very cross and jealous. Some, indeed, became so wild that they had to be minded themselves, while others neglected their charges and wandered about the country in a dreadful state of grumpiness,
biting their nails to the quick, and tearing their hair or anything else they could get hold of.
The time now arrived for the great annual Minding Tournament, held by the Duke to celebrate his birthday, to which every one had been looking forward all through the year. Few people have ever been so delighted over being born as was the Duke, and this was how he most liked to show his joy and thankfulness. The prizes and cups were usually subscribed for by the mothers and fathers, but this year was a very special occasion, for the Duke, having arrived at the age of sixty, had decided to present a gold-mounted feeding-bottle to be competed for during the tournament.
Everybody was there; the Duke and his Duchess with a handsome bouquet of marigolds and groundsel, presented by the wives of the policemen; the Duchess's cousin, the chatty old Viscount, and his sweet young wife; the stout old Marquis who (as every lady knows) is also admiral of the Regent's Canal, and his six old-maid daughters, who all arrived in bath chairs. The general was there, as a matter of course, with all his medals beautifully polished, and his pockets full of Pontefract cakes and peardrops to throw to the children. At least twelve bishops were present, besides the vicar and his eight kind curates, who made themselves extremely pleasant to every one.
All the mothers and fathers of the neighbourhood were present, and minders were continually arriving
to compete for the prizes. There were at least one hundred policemen to keep order, and the music was provided by the band of the militia, lent for this occasion by the kind-hearted general. Each member of the band performed on a separate harmonium borrowed from the vicar. Refreshments also could be had by every one who could prove that he or she was hungry.
The first event was the egg-and-spoon race, which was decided in the following way. A well-pinched baby and a glass of milk were placed at the end of the course, and each competitor had to run to them balancing a new-laid egg on a spoon; when he had reached them, he had to beat up the egg in the glass of milk and pacify the child with the beverage. The competitor who did it in the shortest time won the prize.
Some murmurings were heard when it was announced that Bill had won by two-and-a-half minutes,
but these were soon drowned by the cheers of the crowd and the music of the harmoniums.
The second event was the obstacle race, in which each competitor had to run with three babies in his arms along a course strewn with perambulators full of children. Over the latter he had to climb, and having placed his three babies in an empty perambulator stationed at the end of the course, wheel them back the same way and empty them into the arms of the Duke without a cry from the children.
The loud cheers of the crowd and the roar of the harmoniums this time hardly drowned the jeering of his rivals when it was proclaimed that Bill had also won this race; and when he secured the gold-mounted feeding-bottle, presented by the Duke, for minding seventeen tooth-cutters and three indigesters, and sending them all to sleep in three hours and forty-five minutes, their rage was almost beyond their control. The cheers, the hurrahs, and
the clapping of hands, as well as the soothing music of the harmoniums, only made them more disagreeable and spiteful.
But far worse was to happen when Bill presently carried off the great cup for remaining shut up in a bathing-machine with twelve vaccinated children for twelve hours. Then they quite lost their tempers, and Bill very nearly lost his life. At least seven babies were hurled at him, as well as the cup and the bathing-machine, and Bill was only saved by the seven mothers of the seven hurled babies, who rushed forward to grapple with the hurlers, and carried Bill and the babies out of their reach.
This shocking disturbance caused the vicar and his eight kind curates to faint, while the Duke, who, now having lost all interest in the proceedings, was only waiting to give away the prizes, turned quite white, and at once drove off with the Duchess in his motor, and never again referred to the subject. The general stripped off his medals in despair, and gave them away to the children to cut their teeth with. The chatty old Viscount became dumb with astonishment, and the twelve bishops, with heads erect and half-closed eyes, walked off to their cathedrals. The harmoniums were all put out of tune and quite spoilt by the efforts of the bandsmen to drown the noise, and the tournament was completely broken up.
After this, as might have been foreseen, no mother would entrust the care of her children to any one but
Bill, who became the only minder of the district. What became of the rivals no one ever knew for certain, though it has been said that they all emigrated to a desolate island in the Dead Sea, and clothed themselves in crocodile's hide with the rough and knobby side worn against the skin, sleeping at night on beds of flints with coverlets made of stinging nettles. It is also said that they nagged and threw stones at each other all through the day, and for very rage would eat nothing but thistles, uncooked and with the prickles left on, and drink nothing but cold vinegar for the rest of their wretched lives.
Another story has it that Bill's jealous rivals all
embarked for Mount Vesuvius, with the intention of committing suicide by plunging into the burning crater. But standing on its edge and gazing therein, they all suddenly altered their minds and walked back down the mountain side to Pompeii or Herculaneum, where they were supposed to have settled and married, and repented, let us hope, of their unkind and unreasonable behaviour.
Whether either of these stories is true or not, it is certain that the rivals disappeared altogether from the country. Unmolested, Bill now devoted all his days to minding, and Randall, Noah, Knut, Biddulph, Nero, Ratchett, Hannibal, Quentin, Chad, and his innumerable other charges never left him, but wandered with him everywhere, even in his dreams.
Such a minder was Bill!
THE KING OF TROY
Now it happened one morning as Bill was shepherding his little flock across the downs, whither they loved to ramble on a fine summer's day, that Hannibal, Quentin, and Boadicea came running up to him with the wonderful tidings that they had discovered a real golden crown lying on the top of a hayrick. Bill hastened to the spot, and there, sure enough, was a most beautiful crown, ornamented with what he took to be priceless
gems. Looking all round and seeing no one to whom it might belong, he climbed the rick and attempted to remove the treasure. But, try as he would, it still resisted his efforts, until at last, with one mighty wrench, he seemed to elicit a groan from the depths of the rick, and presently the crown arose apparently of its own accord and disclosed the head of an aged man firmly fixed therein. Soon his neck, then his shoulders appeared, as gradually the old fellow lifted himself from his place of hiding and climbed down the sides of the rick and stood trembling in the midst of the children, who now wonderingly gathered round him.
Having recovered from his agitation, and being greatly encouraged by Bill's kindly inquiries and genial manners, the royal old boy proceeded to account for his strange appearance on the downs.
'Prepare yourselves, you bantlings, and you, their noble curator, for the most astounding revelations; and those of you who are nerveful or softish in any way, hide your chubby heads in this old rick, that no word of my story of woes may enter your ears and so curdle your simple minds.'
At this young Chad and some of the others set up a terrible hullabaloo, but Bill soon comforted them, and then, seated in a circle on the grass around the old fellow, they made themselves comfortable and prepared to listen to his story.
'Are you all fit?' demanded the old gent. 'Yes,' shouted Bill and his charges in reply.
'Well, here goes then.' And he commenced his tale in the following way:—
'I am that King of Troy who ruled over his subjects with such wisdom and justice that the greatest happiness prevailed amongst them!'
'We've heard that before,' murmured Chad, but ignoring the interruption, the King of Troy continued his story:—
'Safely protected from baseness of every description, from robbery, from the ill effects of envy, and from unworthy tricksters of every colour, by the stern, yet just rule under which they happily lived, the Trojans throve and pursued their various trades with unvarying success. All amassed a considerable fortune, and as their wealth increased, so did their pride in the beloved city of their birth. All contributed most willingly to the upkeep of their sovereign, and the ever-increasing state which I was expected to
hold was paid for down to the last farthing by the noble fellows.
'The well-meaning creatures at length gave no rest to their poor old king, and as their prosperity grew, they raised him to a more and more exalted, and at the same time increasingly uncomfortable, position above them. Heavier and heavier grew the robes of state to suit the swelling dignity of the city: more and more overloaded with gold, with jewels, with filigree silver and enamelled bronze became the crown, until so ponderous had grown the regalia that I could hardly support it. But no pity had the gallant lads. Mistaking the signs of my gradually drooping spirits for the signs of undue modesty, they slapped me on the back again and again, and with joyful shouts endeavoured to instil into my dejected soul some of their own abundant ardour.
'With my own personal dignity, the number of ceremonials and functions I was expected to endure also increased. Town hall after town hall was built, and bazaars without end were held especially to be opened by myself. But in time even this doubtful relaxation ceased, and so high did my subjects raise me that few of them dared to approach me, and then only on bended knees. As for speaking familiarly with me, none had the temerity to attempt it. Perpetual state I was now compelled to keep, and never for an instant permitted to leave my throne or doff my royal robes, except for one short hour in the
morning to perform ablutions in the regal tub, and even then I was not allowed to remove my crown. Seated on my throne from morning until night, overburdened by the weight of my crown and the heavily brocaded and bejewelled robes, I felt as lonely as a stranded limpet in the middle of the Sahara desert.
'At last things came to such a pass, that, except perhaps to bring me food or drink, not one of my subjects would dare to draw nearer than to the outer door of my ante-room, and even there they would fall upon their faces and grovel in the dust and quake, so that the very clicking of their bones could be distinctly heard from my place upon the throne, as they trembled in every joint.
'Ah, how I missed the old days,—the cheerful cup of tea, the pipe of baccy and the homely game of dominoes with that primest of all Prime Ministers. How gladly would I have snatched from the royal board the dainties now prepared for me,—the asparagus truffles, the prawn cutlets, the anchovy jelly, and suchlike, and hurled from me the trivial and shimmering mass, tweaking my old rascal of a waiter by the nose, and calling for a hunk of bread and some cheese. Even my sparkling and frolicsome old chum, the Prime Minister, had seemingly quite forgotten our loyal chumship and never appeared before me now except upon his hands and knees and with his head bent low to the ground. And what of my old friend the Secretary of State? Where were his
gibes, his playful fancies, his quirks and rare conceits, the droll! Alas, only rarely now could I glimpse the rogue, and with real sorrow did I see his erstwhile bonny and jovial old face distorted by expressions of the most abject servility. And that respectful mute, the Minister of Education, does he dream that I forget his winsome pranks and jokes? Does he imagine for a moment that those glorious evenings, when the four of us used to meet and gladden the very stars by the sounds of our joviality, were nothing to me? Alas, in my solitude what would have befallen me but for those sweet memories!
'One evening the Prime Minister appeared on his hands and knees at the door of the throne-room, bearing on a little plate upon his back the slight supper that was served to me in this strange manner every evening. With drooping head, and visibly
quaking with awe, he gradually crawled near, and when at the foot of the throne placed the supper (a mere anchovy truffle on toast) before me and fell flat on his face, writhing at my feet.
'Who can describe my feelings as I bent over him and witnessed this degradation, this prostration before me, of one who had revelled with me, who had slapped me on the back in pure amity, and who, in days of yore, had gambolled, frisked, and carolled the most enchanting glees with me. A great hot tear fell from my left eye as I gazed, and the startled wretch leapt to his feet as it splashed upon his bald crown and trickled down its glossy sides, leaving a red and glowing spot where it had fallen. No words of mine could describe the misery expressed on the face of the unhappy man as he took one hasty glance at me, full of the deepest meaning, and rushed from the room weeping bitterly. Alas! he, too, remembered.
'No heart had I now for the anchovy truffle, nor indeed for the toast, both of which I tossed lightly from me. I gave up my mind to most melancholy reflections. Night drew on, and one by one I could hear the ministers and domestics creeping up stealthily to bed, and at nine o'clock all the electric lights in the palace were switched off, and I was left in total darkness and in solitude. Still I brooded on my throne, unable to sleep for the weight of my robes and for the sad thoughts that passed through my mind, and mechanically counted the hours as they stole slowly by.
'At length the clock in the hall downstairs struck eleven, and as the last beat echoed through the empty rooms, a light appeared underneath the door opposite the throne. Little heed did I give to this at first, imagining that one of the ministers, on retiring, had omitted to remove his boots and leave them in the hall, and was now returning to place them there. The light, however, remained, and to my increasing wonderment some one tried the handle of the door, which was then opened very cautiously and in there crept, on hands and knees, my old friend the Prime Minister. As soon as he was well within the room and had quietly closed the door, he leapt to his feet and executed the most astonishing capers that were ever danced. With the liveliest satisfaction expressed all over his mobile features, he pirouetted round the room with the greatest animation, and daringly accomplished the giddiest somersaults that were ever turned. At last, nearly exhausted with this vigorous performance, he ran up to the throne, grasped me by the hand, which he wrung most heartily, and for all the world was his good old self again.
'He now bade me follow him, and in utter silence we both crept out of the throne-room, through the ante-room, down the stairs, across the hall, and out by the front door into the garden.
'We now traversed the terrace and crossed the tennis lawn, and stepping gently across the Rhododendron beds, scrambled as carefully as possible over the
barbed-wire fence and found ourselves in the kitchen garden. Passing through innumerable beds of cabbages, beetroots, turnips, brussels sprouts, and broccoli, we at last stood in front of an old broken-down hen-house. The Minister knocked very gently three distinct times and gave a low musical call, which was immediately answered from within. The door now opened just sufficiently to admit one person at a time, and the Prime Minister crept in, dragging me after him, and then closing the door as quickly and as quietly as possible.
'You may imagine my surprise when I discovered my two other old cronies seated amongst the hay newly strewn on the floor, the fat old roosters chortling wisely the while on their perches in the roof of the shed. Two or three candles, that were glued with their own fat on the stakes that were driven securely into the ground, together with an old stable lantern suspended from the roof, served to light up the interior. A squat and homely kettle was simmering cheerily in front of some glowing embers in the centre of the floor awaiting the brewing of a stout cup of tea, and the dominoes were all ready for a rattling game as of old.
'Nothing could exceed the joy of the dear old boys, as they gripped me by the hand and punched me first on the chest and again on the back from pure joy, forgetting all the awe with which they had regarded me for so long since, and only remembering the many happy times we had spent together in days of yore,—those
far-off happy days, before I had been so terribly, so uncomfortably exalted by my subjects.
'As soon as I had made myself pretty comfortable, the Minister of Education reached up, and taking one of the old chickens from its perch, quickly killed it, plucked it and trussed it, and then, suspending it over the embers by a piece of string from the roof, turned it round and round gently until it was done to a T.
'What a time we had in that old shed to be sure. After demolishing the chicken we played the most exciting games of dominoes until we were tired of them, then cats' cradles, then honey-pots, and then touch wood. And what could have been more refreshing than those cups of tea! And what more invigorating than the Pontefract cakes, the slabs of cocoanut ice, and sheets of almond hard-bake that we crunched between the games! And the songs and choruses with which we shook the crazy old hen-house to its rotting foundations! My word! How we trolled them out!
'When our joy was at its height, and we were carolling the inimitable chorus of that more than glorious old song of the country-side, "Waiting for the Guinea Fowl," we were suddenly reminded of the approach of day by the loud crowing of the old cock over our heads, and peeping at once out of the door we perceived that already the dawn had advanced and lightened the eastern sky.
'Without a moment's hesitation, the guttering candles were extinguished, and I was hurried back to the palace. But only just in time, for as I mounted the steps of my throne I could hear the lazy steps of the boot-boy as he unwillingly crawled downstairs to his work.
'In the course of the day the Egg Counter to the Royal Household was dragged grovelling before me, complaining that the foxes had stolen one of the chickens under his care. I ordered the treasurer to disburse 9d. for a trap and dismissed the grinning churl, who little guessed the breed of foxes which had made away with his bird.
'Night after night the four of us, unsuspected of any, now sought the hen-house, and forgot the harassing troubles of state in the pure joys of friendship. After killing, roasting, and supping off one of the birds as on our first meeting, we abandoned ourselves to the heartiest revelry, only to be awakened to the cold everyday world by the crowing of the old bantam.
'During the daytime my friends resumed their deferential and almost servile demeanour, and nothing remained to remind me of the revels of the night before but the troubles of the Egg Counter, who now came to me every day with a fresh complaint that yet another of his birds had disappeared.
'And now begins the narration of the most terrible of all my trials. One night—how well can I remember it, it was on the eve of that very day when the mighty King of the Persians and all his court were coming to spend the week-end with us, in order to celebrate my sixty-fifth birthday—we met as usual in the hen-house, and discovered to our dismay that we had demolished all the fowls with the exception of the old cock. After some discussion, and regardless
of consequences, we decided to treat him as we had already treated his brothers and sisters, and in a very little time nothing was left of the tough old biped but bones, beak and feathers. Heedless of the morrow, we now gave ourselves up to the wildest enjoyment. Discarding such simple games as dominoes and honey-pots, we now indulged in the more thrilling joys of leap-frog, Hunt the Stag, Red Rover, Robbers and Thieves, and you would not believe me were I to tell you the amount of toffee, brandy-snaps, bull's eyes, and Edinburgh rock that we absorbed in the course of this agreeable evening.
'Enlivened, no doubt, by the thought that to-morrow was my birthday, my excitement was intense, and communicating itself to my prankful cronies, it electrified their old bones in the most amazing manner.
'How long we should have kept it up, it is, of course, impossible for me to say, but we were suddenly brought to a standstill by a loud knocking on the door of the shed and the sound of a great concourse of people on the other side. On opening the door I nearly fainted in my horror, for whom should I behold but the King of Persia and all his court, and as far as the eye could reach the faces of the Trojans all lit up by the morning sun, staring intently at the shed. Alas, we had eaten the old cock, our only timepiece, many hours ago, and without our knowledge the day had dawned and grown to midday.
'Who shall describe my profound mortification, as I observed the look of sorrow on the King of Persia's noble countenance, or the distress with which I viewed the agonised disappointment of my subjects as they beheld their king, whom they one and all delighted to honour, playing leap-frog in a hen-house.
'It appeared that on the arrival of the King of Persia, they had all proceeded in lordly procession with bands playing and flags flying to the throne-room, and not finding me there they had hunted everywhere for me, high and low, until at last, guided by the sounds of revelry in the hen-house, they discovered my wretched self in the ignominious position I have already described.
'I was now seized by two of the Persian guards at the command of their monarch and marched off to the Palace, a lane being opened for me through the crowds of my silent and sorrowing subjects.
'A council was very hurriedly called together, at which it was decided that I should be banished for ever from the city of Troy for so demeaning the exalted position to which I had been elevated, by my frolics in the hen-house, and that henceforth the King of Persia should reign in my stead.
'Stripping my royal robes from me (they were compelled to leave my crown on, for it was so firmly fixed that it would not come off, try as they would), they now bandaged my eyes, and, with the only baggage I was allowed to take, tied up in an old
patch-work quilt, they led me forth. Past crowds of my subjects, who now gave way to the most heartfelt sorrow, I was led, through the old gates of my beloved city and far out into the country. After we had travelled for about thirty miles my conductors at last removed the bandage from my eyes and left me to my despair, alone in the wilderness.
'Sinking to the ground, I wept bitterly for three-quarters of an hour, when hunger beginning to assert itself, I started upon this long journey, which has at length brought me to you.
'For many months have I travelled, often compelled to ask the way or beg assistance of the merest strangers, until at last,' concluded the old gentleman, 'as I was resting to-day in the shadow of this rick, I saw you all coming over the hill, and mistaking you for the legions of the King of Persia sent to hunt me down, I hid myself in the top of the rick.'
Bill and all his charges were deeply moved at so harrowing a tale, and willingly proffered any assistance they were capable of rendering to the unhappy old boy.
The King of Troy, now assured of the good faith of his new friends, unfolded to them a scheme he had formed to raise an army and to march on Troy, and so recover, if possible, his lost power. Bill at once offered his services and was created commander-in-chief on the spot, and calling for volunteers, was answered by one great shout of joy from all his
charges, every one of whom enlisted there and then in the new army of the King of Troy.
Chad, Hannibal, Randall, Noah, Ratchett, Nero, Biddulph, and Knut were each promoted to the rank of officers as a matter of course, while the gentle Boadicea was deputed to look after the old King, whose comfort was now her greatest aim in life.
THE ANCIENT MARINER
The next thing to be done was certainly to make the old King comfortable, so Bill took him home, and the good Chloe dosed him well with hot gruel, and made him put his feet in hot water, and sent him to bed. After remaining snugly tucked up for a few days, the cheerful old soul was ready and eager to start with his new army for Troy.
In the meantime Bill, with the assistance of Crispin, had constructed a wonderful perambulator,
in which the King could be conveyed with his luggage and such comforts as would be necessary for the old man during his progress.
Having secured the permission of Crispin and Chloe, and of the other parents concerned (most of whom seemed only too glad to get rid of the lot), Bill, the King, and all the gallant young soldiers started on their adventurous journey. Loud were the shouts of admiration as the brave creatures marched down the village street; and at last, when they had entirely disappeared, the place seemed suddenly so quiet and dull that all retired to their bedrooms and gave way to tears.
However, our duty is to follow the young braves. Having marched along the road across the Downs for some distance, they met the strangest couple,—a kind-looking old gentleman who, to judge from his appearance, had spent the greater part of his life upon the ocean, carrying in his arms, carefully and tenderly as though he were a frail young baby, another man, with the saddest and most thoughtful face that you ever beheld. Such touching kindness deeply affected all who witnessed it, and Bill at once greeted the good gentleman, and begged of him to account to them for his very strange appearance on the country road.
'Sirs,' said the Ancient Mariner, as he placed his burden lovingly on the ground, 'my name is Jack, Plain Jack, and I am the ninth mate of the Swedish ship Turnip, a brig-rigged barquentine, that sailed
from Cherry Garden Pier for Margate with a cargo of camels, in the year 1840, and has never since been heard of.
'Though a born sailor, I succeeded my father in what was one of the best corn-chandler's businesses in that part of Barking. By my industry and thrift I, in time, so bettered my position and improved my business that I felt fully entitled to settle down and enter into the state of matrimony. For some years I had had my eye on the enchanting Jane Osbaldistone de Trevor, whose father kept a large brill farm by Barking Creek,—in fact, the largest of the many brill farms that used, in those days, to line the river from Limehouse Reach to Cherry Garden Pier.
'His wealth and importance did not deter me from aspiring to the hand of his fascinating daughter; and why should they have done so? Was not I in the very promising position of owning the largest corn-chandler's store, from Wapping Old Stairs even as far down as Barking Creek? And then, again, was not I as well born as he, for did not my ancestors chandle corn in Barking long before the De Trevors had crossed the Channel, when they may, indeed, have earned a precarious livelihood by letting bathing-machines on the beach at Boulogne?
'Nevertheless, on my broaching the subject to the old gentleman, he threw every conceivable obstacle in my way, and made conditions that were wellnigh impossible of being carried out. "If," said he, "you
can bring to me, within the next few years, some object more wonderful than anything in the Bethnal Green Museum,—some object beside which St. Paul's Cathedral, the Monument, the Tower of London, or the Tower Bridge will be as uninteresting as an old one-bladed pocket-knife,—then you shall marry my daughter, but not otherwise"; and he chuckled to himself, knowing only too well that he had wellnigh dashed my hopes for ever.
'But, after all, little did he know Plain Jack. Disappointed, but with some hope yet of claiming the lovely Jane, I sold my business for a considerable sum of money, which I took with me in my sea-chest, and signed on as Cabin Boy aboard the Swedish ship, Turnip, fully determined to travel all over the world, if necessary, in order to fulfil the conditions imposed upon me by the irritating old gentleman.
'Foreseeing well how useful my superior officers might be to me in my quest, I resolved, as far as possible to deserve their good-will, and I behaved with such exemplary conduct that before we had passed Greenwich Hospital I was promoted to the rank of twelfth mate.
'Still persevering in my good intentions, I performed many little acts of kindness, such as brewing the captain a cup of tea when he least expected it, and handing round to the officers and crew bars of colt's foot rock, a supply of which I took good care to bring with me. I repeat, so continually attentive was I, that,
before we had passed the Nore, I was promoted to the rank of eleventh mate.
'Off Herne Bay, I was still further able to gratify the captain and officers by pointing out to them the various public buildings and places of interest, which I had visited only last year during a delightful week-end trip. So delighted were they all that, before sighting Margate, I was promoted to the rank of tenth mate.
'On arriving at Margate, numerous merchants came along the jetty in bath-chairs to examine our cargo. None, however, wanted to buy camels; all wanted donkeys for the sands. In spite of the captain's argument, that camels were much more used to sand than donkeys, having spent the best part of their lives on the sands of the desert, the merchants were obdurate, and we had to sail away again with our camels. We also now carried with us a shipload of Carraway Comfits, which we had purchased at Margate, hoping to be able to dispose of them at some port, and so compensate ourselves for the loss of business at Margate.
'For many days we sailed on and on, out through the Yarmouth Roads into the Persian Gulf, one incident alone standing out vividly in my memory during this part of the voyage. It was the dog watch, on a lovely summer evening; we were making little way, just sufficient to enliven the whitebait that leapt and prattled round our prow, or disturb a lazy brill that dozed upon our course. Here and there the spotted tunny would leap several yards from the sea, to descend again with a mighty smack upon the waters. From afar, borne upon the gentle breeze, came the low grizzle of the sperm-whale as it herded its young, or the thud of the mighty sword-fish, as it drove home the deadly weapon with which Nature, knowing its own ends, has provided him; while, mellowed by even greater distance, the high-pitched yell of the land-cod and the shriek of its maddened prey, could now and again be heard. I was lazily reclining among the peak
halyards, whittling out a mermaid's head from a piece of hard-boiled gannet's egg, which I intended to send to Jane, should a passing vessel give me such an opportunity. Full of peace, and imbued with the calm that pervaded the sea and the sky, I was hardly prepared for the shock in store for me. Suddenly, without any warning, I was jerked from my position among the halyards, and flung head-first into the sea. Down, and down I went, until, nearly exhausted, I made one great effort to come to the surface. When at last I reached it, I found that from some unknown cause the ship had been tilted nearly on to its side, and thus had sent me almost to the bottom of the sea.
'To climb on deck and ascertain the cause of the disaster was the work of a moment. It transpired that the cargo of carraway comfits had got shifted and was mixed up with the camels. The captain was asleep at the time, and every one else seemed to lose his wits, so I at once took the matter into my own hands, and descended into the hold with twelve picked men.
'The plight of the camels was sad indeed to see. Some were fearfully chafed with the comfits, thus proving with what force the latter must have been showered upon them by the shifting of the cargo. Fortunately, however, although it was very black in the ship's hold, the camels were easily distinguished from the comfits, and it was only a work of patience and a little time to sift them and so right the ship again.
'When the captain awakened and learnt how I had saved the ship, his gratitude knew no bounds, and he still further promoted me by making me his ninth mate.
'For years we sailed from port to port, taking in one cargo here, another there, occasionally with some advantage to ourselves, but more often with none at all, and never with any good fortune attending me in my quest. When we were about thirty days' sail out from Guatemala, and, as far as I could tell, in latitude 195 and longitude 350 (that is, about 60 degrees east of the Equator), we encountered a storm which brought me to the successful accomplishment of my quest. It was four bells and my watch below, so I had gone aloft in the mizzen shrouds, and with my feet resting idly on the top-gallant backstay, holding securely to the weather topsail reeftackle, I munched a tunny sandwich, a few of which I had prevailed upon the steward to cut for me. Under a clear sky, we were making roughly, I should say, about 335 knots, and it was already blowing half a gale; a choppy sea was running, yet, except for the clots of spindrift, that now and again hurtled against the mast, there was no real promise of the storm to come; so I went on with my sandwiches.
'We were now sailing close-hauled under double-reefed main storm topsails and fore and aft main staysails, keeping a good course and shipping very little water, when, suddenly, I beheld on the horizon,
well to windward, a little cloud no larger than a tomato,—the English tomato, I mean, not the foreign species, though it rapidly attained that size. It grew larger and larger until it was quite the size of a full-grown vegetable marrow; yet, little recking that it contained the seeds of the terrible tempest that was so soon to overwhelm us, I still went on with my sandwiches.
'Presently the gale increased, and the seas swelled
up to the size of Ludgate Hill. Whole shoals of the passive skate arose to the surface and flopped warningly about our vessel. To leeward could be seen flocks of the wild sea shrike, whose ominous bark could be distinctly heard above the snort of the coming tempest. By now the cloud had half filled the heavens; the seas rose higher and higher; the din was terrific, as the wind tore from the sea shoal upon shoal of the shy sardine and whirled them through the air. Soon the ship was drenched in the high seas that continually broke over her and the quarts and quarts of rain that wolloped from the dense cloud now covering the whole sky and blotting out all light.
'At last came the order from the captain, who now realised the danger that threatened his vessel. "Up helm," roared he, through his speaking-trumpet, "clew up the lee braces of the topsail halyards; haul out the reef tackle and brail up the spanker." But the command came too late. The fore-topsail studding booms went by the board, carrying with them the bowsprit, the main mast, the fo'c's'le, the top-gallant studding-sail halyard, and the captain's tobacco-pouch, which had been placed upon the bowsprit earlier in the afternoon. Nothing could now be seen except, here and there, the gleam on some fish as it was whirled, with the masts, men, boots, screws, sharks, thimbles, sea anemones, watch-chains, ship's stores, planks, and other miscellaneous
objects, through the sky. I had barely finished my last sandwich when, lo, everything became a blank to me and I lost all consciousness.
'How long I remained thus I cannot say, but I awakened on the sandy shore of some island, upon which I had been thrown by the force of the wind. Nothing could I see of my companions: a few planks and spars and my own wretched self were all that remained to tell the tale of the good ship Turnip.
'The wind had dropped, and it was a beautiful morning, not a trace of the storm remaining, only here and there the panting of the crayfish, as they nestled behind the rocks, or the gasping of the oysters telling of the strain they had undergone. I gazed along the shore in each direction, hoping to discover a bathing-machine, and so satisfy myself that the island was inhabited. Nothing was in sight, however, so I lay down again and dozed. When I awoke once more it was high noon, and the vertical rays of the sun warned me that it was time to take shelter. I raised myself on one arm with this intention, when I became aware of a strange figure, dressed in a long robe and with a great turban, who was seated on a rock near by, gazing out to sea.
'I got to my feet with considerable difficulty as I was faint with hunger and stiff in the limbs, and was about to approach the object, when I discovered two
more figures, who evidently had the same intention. Seemingly they did not wish to be observed by the singular creature I have already described, for they were stealthily approaching him from behind, creeping from rock to rock. I at once stooped down behind a great star-fish, determined to watch unobserved.
'I now noticed that both were savages, and that one of them held close to his body an old, rusty kitchen-range; while the other carried, in one hand, a basket of coals, and with the other supported a huge, iron sauce-pan across his shoulders. Nearer and nearer drew the cannibals (as I soon guessed them to be) to their intended victim, who, however, either because he did not hear them, or did not dread them, took no notice at all. Presently they were crouching down behind him, and he was still apparently unconscious of their presence. Then, with a wild whoop they leapt into the air, and dropped on the ground in front of him. Even now the amazing creature took no notice of the cannibals or their antics, as they danced and yelled around him. Soon realising that there was something very unusual in his reception of them, they stared in awe and amazement at him for some time, and then fled in terror, leaving the saucepan, the kitchen-range and the other cooking utensils behind them.
'They ran along the sands, and dropped behind a rock at a great distance away, where they remained
completely hidden for some long time. Presently, however, one black head appeared for an instant above the rock, and gazed in the direction of the thoughtful creature by the sea. This head was very quickly withdrawn from view and another popped up,—only to disappear as quickly. Then the first appeared again, and so on. This continued until they had regained a little of their nerve, when I could see them once more crawling back to the abstracted figure on the shore. Again they drew very close to him, and now that they had sufficiently mastered their fears, they approached and examined him very closely, and proceeded at once to prepare their evening meal. First of all they lit the fire, then they carefully placed their unresisting victim in the saucepan, after filling it with water from the sea, and were just about to lift it on to the range when I lost all patience, and shouted from my hiding-place, "Hold!" so many times in quick succession, and each time in a different tone of voice, that the cannibals must have thought there were at least thirty men or more in hiding. At any rate, they fled in the most abject terror, never to return.
'Giving them good time to disappear, I now emerged from my hiding-place and approached the absent-minded creature, gently lifting him from the saucepan, in which I found him still sitting and gazing out to sea. Gathering together many sea-urchins, rock-beetles, and branches of a succulent sea-weed, with
which the beach had been strewn by the recent storm, I prepared an exquisite stew, and made a very hearty meal. I was also able to induce my companion to take some, without, however, succeeding in breaking his train of thought.
'For many months no other friend had I than this preoccupied curiosity, who seemed quite unable to give me any clue as to who he was or whence he came. Perhaps he had been shipwrecked there in childhood—who knows?—and wandered there ever since, the wonder of every limpet or lugworm that squirmed upon those shores, or the sport of every mer-kid that flipped a fin in those unknown waters.
'To cut a long story short, I soon realised that here was the object I was in search of, and that if this dreamy creature did not sufficiently astonish old De Trevor, and compel him to consent to my marrying his daughter, nothing on this earth would do the deed, so I resolved to leave the island with my treasure as soon as I could make it possible to do so. I set about making a raft, which I quickly succeeded in completing, having since my childhood had a great knack at the making of rafts, and, without undue delay, I embarked with my prize, provisioned with as many shell-fish and branches of the succulent sea-weed as the raft would carry.
'After some few months, and just as we had finished our last limpet, we had the good fortune to be picked up by a tramp-steamer, bound for Saskatchewan from Mombasa, with a cargo of periwinkles. The captain was such a kind-hearted man that, on hearing my story he decided to go out of his course, and land us at Cherry Garden Pier; and so, my good friends, after sixty years' sailing all over the globe, I arrived home again, a poorer but a kinder man.
'You may be sure that I lost no time in seeking out Jane herself, with every hope of at last being able to claim her hand, but alas! gentlemen,' said the Ancient Mariner, with a large, salt tear about to fall from each eye, and as he once more tenderly lifted his burden, 'I was to find that Jane had become a very, very old woman, with many little grandchildren of
her own, and that she had entirely forgotten my existence. She had me turned away from her doorstep as a raving madman, even with my interesting, absent-minded, and inseparable companion.
'Thus, Good Sirs, I have to start life anew, and if my great experience should be of any service to you, believe me, it is yours to command.'
THE TRIPLETS
Right gladly were the services of the plucky old salt accepted by the gallant little band, and taking it in turns to relieve him of his burden, they jovially marched along. The way was enlivened by many a good chorus, until the old King complained of a headache, when every one had to be quiet and talk only in quite a low tone, while Boadicea soothed the old fidget, and lulled him to sleep, by removing his crown and gently stroking the top of his head with a mint leaf, rolled into a little ball, and fastened to the end of a stem of sweet-briar. He awakened shortly after tea, very much refreshed for his nap, and every one grew merry again.
He now, however, considerably delayed the progress
of the expedition by insisting on running after butterflies, and trying to catch them in his crown. Though anxious enough to continue their journey, all the army awaited with great patience the pleasure of the old sportsman. At length Knut, who had been eagerly watching the King for some time, as he frisked about the fields after the brightly-coloured insects, could not restrain himself from doing likewise. Now Hannibal joined in the sport, then Quentin, then Noah, then Ratchett, and, so exciting did the chase become, soon all the force were frantically running about the fields with the lively monarch, while Boadicea remained by the carriage and darned his old stockings.
At last the King grew tired, and they all came back to the road and resumed their march. The tiresome sovereign now insisted on the Ancient Mariner removing his burden to the rear, complaining that the absent-minded creature would stare at him, and that he did not wish to be gazed at or wondered at. 'Time enough for that,' said he, 'when I'm on my throne again.' Having effected this change in the order of the procession, they now marched on without further interruption from the King.
Towards nightfall they drew near to the sea, on the shores of which they hoped to spend the night. Bill being, as usual, a little in advance of the others, was the first to descend to the sands, seated on which he discovered, to his great astonishment, three young children weeping bitterly, and near to them, in the
same state of grief, he beheld an old gentleman seated upon a rock. But what aroused his astonishment even more than their extreme wretchedness, was the fact that the three children were all exactly alike in every particular,—the same size, the same hair, the same eyes,—in fact, there was no perceptible difference of any kind between them. Now and again, one of the children would endeavour to comfort the old man, and he again would attempt to perform the like kindly office for them. Wondering what could so upset such worthy creatures, Bill approached and besought them to confide to him their troubles, that he might try to relieve them to the best of his ability. Their tears, however, effectually prevented them from replying at once to him. Giving them a little time to recover, Bill again addressed them. 'Who are you?' said he, and they all answered between their sobs, 'We are the Duchess of Blowdripping and her two sisters, Mellinid and Edil.'
'Which of you,' asked Bill, 'is the Duchess?'
'That's what we don't know,' they replied. 'We only know that she is neither Mellinid nor Edil.'
'Then who of you is Mellinid, and who Edil?' again queried the puzzled Bill.
'That's what all the trouble's about,' they tearfully rejoined. 'All we can tell you for certain is that neither of them is the Duchess,' and the poor little creatures redoubled their cries.
More puzzled than ever, and quite at a loss to find
any clue to their troubles, Bill again besought them to relieve their minds by confiding in him. Then one of the little creatures stood up and, after drying her eyes, addressed Bill in the following way:—
'As you have most likely guessed, we are triplets, and were christened Blaura, Mellinid and Edil, after three great-aunts renowned for their intelligence and their many virtues. From our earliest days we were so much alike that each had to wear a different coloured
hair-ribbon to distinguish her from her sisters. Blaura wore red, Mellinid blue, and Edil green. Our affectionate parents, the late Duke and Duchess of Blowdripping, died when we were barely six months old, and we were all left in charge of our uncle, the benevolent gentleman you see weeping on my left. Before the thoughtful creatures expired, feeling that their end was drawing near, they were faced with the difficult problem as to which of us should be the new Duchess; all of us, as I have said before, being of the same age. Of course, I need not tell you that it was quite out of the question we should all inherit the title; three young ladies trying to be one duchess would be absurd in the extreme. So our intelligent and resourceful mother and father decided, after much deliberation with the family solicitor, and the vicar of the parish, that Blaura should succeed to the title and all the dignities of the Duchy of Blowdripping when she arrived at the age of eight years, and that, at the same time, Mellinid should become the owner of Blowdripping Hall, with its priceless collections of pictures, old china, fossils and foreign stamps, and Edil become the possessor of the Blowdripping Park, in which the Hall is so pleasantly situated, with its herds of hedgehogs, elands and gnu. I am sure you will agree with me that no more just division of their great possessions could have been devised by the fair-minded couple. Our uncle was kindness itself, ever watching us with the affectionate care of a mother.
He was always at hand to look to our comforts, and to see that no danger drew nigh, whether we were bathing in the marble fountains of the courtyard, taking the air in the park, or sleeping in our tastefully-decorated bedroom.
'One beautiful summer's afternoon, when we were about one year old, we had been taken on to the verandah to enjoy our afternoon nap, in order that we might have advantage of the delightful breeze that blew across the woods from the sea. As usual our uncle was near by, and so soothing was the air that, unable to resist its drowsy influence, he, too, soon dozed off. Unfortunately we awakened before our unconscious nurse, and immediately rolled out of our cradles, and crawled along the pavement of the verandah. Great sport we had, I have no doubt, as children will, and certain it is that, attracted by their brilliant colours, we lost no time in removing from each other's heads our distinguishing ribbons, and speedily mixing them up. However, at length, and too late, our baby laughter awakened the old gentleman from his sleep. Too great for words was the astonishment of the unhappy man when he beheld us all shuffled up and mixed in this deplorable way upon the pavement. Bitterly he accused himself of wicked negligence for allowing such a thing to happen, for so alike were we without our distinguishing ribbons, that he could never hope to know one from the other again. He thought, and thought, and thought for the whole afternoon, but
at the end he was no nearer discovering again which was the future Duchess, which Mellinid, and which Edil. At last, he gave it up in despair. Henceforth we were known only collectively as the future Duchess and her two sisters, but which is the Duchess, and which the two sisters, will remain for ever a mystery.
'Nevertheless, we grew up in comparative happiness until yesterday, the fateful day when we all became
eight years of age. Before breakfast, and with all due solemnity, our faithful uncle handed over to us the control and guardianship of the Blowdripping possessions, which had been entrusted to him until we should arrive at our present age, but, alas! we could not avail ourselves of the good provision made for us by our thoughtful parents, as neither one of us knew which of us we were. The Duchess, as head of the family, could not give her consent to anything, or advance any money for the housekeeping as, for all she knew, she might be one of her own sisters, in which case she would have been touching that which did not rightly belong to her. For the same reason Mellinid, not knowing who she herself was, could not give her consent to our remaining at the Hall, and likewise Edil could not allow the magnificent house still to occupy its lovely situation in the Blowdripping Park. After talking the matter over, and over again, we have come to the conclusion that, without the permission of the proper owners, which, you will see, it is impossible for us to obtain, the only course open to us was to abandon our riches, and to leave the park and the castle for ever. Our good uncle, putting all the blame for our troubles upon his own negligence, insisted on accompanying us.'
At the conclusion of this strange story Bill was certainly aghast at the very difficult problem put before him, and quite at a loss to offer any solution. He therefore conducted the trembling triplets and their
grief-stricken uncle before the King, who had in the meantime arrived upon the shore. Bill explained the difficult position in which the poor young things found themselves; but, wise as he undoubtedly was, the King for some time could make nothing whatever of it. He called all his officers and soldiers round him, and they formed one great semicircle, of which he was the centre; the triplets were then placed before him, and he at once proceeded to question them.
'Have you,' said he, addressing the first triplet, 'any idea as to which of the three of you you really are?'
'None whatever,' answered the child.
He then repeated the same question to the other triplets, and received the same answer.
'Come now,' continued the King, in a cheerful voice, 'does any one of you feel at all like a duchess?'
'We don't know how a duchess should feel,' they all replied.
The King here frowned severely and ground his teeth.
'Now, one of you must be telling an untruth,' said he, 'for one of you, as you say, is the Duchess, and must know exactly how she feels, which must be how a duchess feels. Come now, which of you is she?' And the quick-tempered monarch knit his brows into the most terrible folds. 'Unless that one is one of her own sisters and not the Duchess,' he roared, 'she ought to be ashamed of her deceit, and severely
punished; and if, indeed, she is not the Duchess, then she ought to be punished all the same. I've half a mind to have the three of you smacked hard, that I may at least be certain of punishing the right one.'
Bill suggested timidly that perhaps this would be rather unfair, as two of them at least would be unjustly punished.
'But which two?' snapped the irritated King. 'How can any of them feel unjustly treated if she doesn't know whether she's the guilty one or not?' And he worked himself into a terrible fury, and strode up and down the sands, no one daring to approach him. Suddenly, without any warning of his intention, he ran down to the sea, and removing his shoes and stockings, cooled his temper by paddling his feet in the sea-water. In a little time he returned, his excitement much allayed, and soon the cries of the distracted and unhappy triplets, together with the pitiful sighs of the dejected uncle, entirely assuaged the wrath of the sympathetic, though quick-tempered, old man.
When he once more resumed his place before the three children the storm had passed, and a sweet, good-natured smile enlivened his homely old face, and charmed all beholders.
'Well, well, well,' said he, 'triplets will be triplets after all, and uncles uncles, all the world over.'
He at once resumed the inquiry, and placing his hand kindly on the head of the second triplet he now addressed the first in the following way:—
'Let us suppose for the moment that you happen to know which of your sisters this particular one really is, who, in that case, would the third one be, if she (the third) were not Mellinid?'
'Either Edil or the Duchess,' promptly replied the intelligent child.
'Quite right,' said the King encouragingly, 'Now as this is not so, and you certainly do not know which of your sisters this one happens to be, the reverse must be true, so that if your other sister is neither Edil nor the Duchess, who must she be?'
'Mellinid, of course,' readily answered the child, and every one applauded and wondered at the wisdom of the King.
'It only now remains,' proceeded the King, addressing the first and second triplets 'to discover which of you is Edil and which the Duchess.' Placing his hand once more upon the head of the second triplet, he again addressed the first.
'Suppose, for the sake of argument, that this sister of yours whom we now know not to be Mellinid were Mellinid and Mellinid the Duchess, in that case you would assuredly be Edil. Now as you cannot suppose this sister to be Mellinid when you know she is not, and the Duchess is the Duchess and not Mellinid, then our supposition must be wrong and the reverse
true, so that Mellinid remains Mellinid and, as we say you are not Edil, then this little girl must be she.' Then shaking the first triplet by the hand, the complacent old potentate said in conclusion:—'And you, my dear creature, are thus proved to be neither Edil nor Mellinid but Blaura, the charming Duchess of Blowdripping, to whom I offer my hearty congratulations.' The cheerful soul now embraced the three children, and when he had a hand free he slapped the old uncle, who now looked the very picture of happiness, several times upon the back.
Cheers were raised again and again at the unheard-of wisdom of the King of Troy. The old uncle completely exhausted himself by leaping high into the air over and over again, while the triplets were beyond themselves with joy at such a successful end to their troubles.
So delighted were the triplets with their new friends that, during breakfast the next morning, they announced their intention of accompanying them to
their journey's end, and entrusted the care of the Blowdripping estate to their old uncle until they should return. The camp packed up and when every one was ready to continue the journey, they all took an affectionate leave of the old man and marched on.
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
At first the King seemed disposed to be not a little irritable towards the triplets, murmuring something to himself about the extra expense. A good lunch, however, soon put him to rights, and he was his old cheerful self again.
In the afternoon they met upon the road a long thin man with a grin of the greatest self-satisfaction widening his otherwise narrow face. In one hand he carried a cage containing a miserable old bird that could hardly boast an egg-cupful of feathers on its
whole shrivelled body; in the other he carried a large wooden box. He very good-naturedly stood aside for the army to move on, but the King, whose curiosity had been aroused, would not allow him to be passed unquestioned, so he rang a little bell he always carried with him for the purpose, and the whole force at once stopped short. In obedience to a signal from the King, the long man stepped jauntily before him. 'Anything wrong, old chirpy?' said he, addressing the King rather rudely as some thought. 'Not with me,' the King replied with much dignity. 'My only reason for calling you before me is to learn why you are so extremely pleased with yourself. Such a secret would be of the greatest value to us all.' 'Because she's given these back to me,' answered the long fellow as he opened his box and disclosed, all neatly arranged, a beautiful collection of birds' eggs. Every kind appeared to be there, and all of the most beautiful colours imaginable.
'But who is she?' queried the King.
'Why, my good Aunt Galladia, of course, but it's too long a story to tell standing up, so let us sit down by the roadside, and you shall hear all about it.'
Every one now seated themselves on the grass by the side of the road and over a comforting cup of tea, speedily brewed by Boadicea, the long man began his story:—
'My good aunt's full name was Galladia Glowmutton, and she was the only daughter of that
gallant general, Sir Francis Melville Glowmutton, who distinguished himself so greatly in the defence of his country.
'It was my good fortune to spend my earliest days in this good creature's company, she, noble soul that she was, having undertaken to look after me when my poor father and mother disappeared in a sand-storm many years before.
'The greater part of her life this good woman had devoted to brightening the declining years of her well-loved father, whose arduous life, poor man, had left him in his old age, truth to tell, rather a tiresome, and sometimes a difficult, subject to get on with. However, thanks to her devotion and patience, he led a tolerably happy life. In the course of time the old warrior died and left the sorrowing lady well provided for,—that is, over and beyond necessaries, with sufficient money to keep up appearances, and even enough for her simple pleasures and hobbies.
'For some months my good aunt could not fill the blank in her life left by the loss of her father. So much kindness, however, could not be kept back for long, and was bound in the course of time to find its object. Always with a love for every feathered creature, she at last set about gathering around her as complete a collection of them as she could obtain. Soon she had in her aviaries the most marvellous assembly of birds ever brought together even at the Zoo. There were specimens of the Paraguay gull, Borneo
parrots, Australian gheck ghees, the laughing grete, Malay anchovy wren that only feeds upon anchovies (and very amusing indeed it is, too, to watch them spearing the little fish with their beaks and then trying to shake them off again), and the golden-crested mussel hawk, that swoops down from an incredible height and, snatching its prey from the rocks, again disappears in the sky. Without wearying you with a long list, nearly every known bird was represented in my aunt's collection, from the fierce saw-beaked stork of Tuscaroca to the mild and pretty little Gossawary chick.
'Much as she prized every one of her pets, she loved most of all the very rare and beautiful green-toed button crane of Baraboo. So fond was she of the stately creature, and so careful of its every comfort, that she employed a maid to wait on it alone, and a special cook to prepare its meal of Peruvian yap beans, the delicious and tender kernels of which the dainty creature was inordinately fond of,—and, indeed, they were the only food upon which it throve.
'Now, with your permission, a few words about myself. Like my aunt I, too, had birdish leanings, but unlike her in this, that instead of birds I collected birds' eggs, of which I had a vast number of every conceivable variety. Ashamed as I am to state it, little did my good Aunt Galladia know how many of the valuable specimens in my collection were taken from her aviaries. Nevertheless she viewed my
specimens with growing suspicion, until at last she implicitly forbade me to collect any more. For a time I desisted, and merely contented myself with gloating over my already vast collection, but in a little while temptation became too strong for me and I resumed my pursuits.
'One afternoon about this time I had mounted a tall tree in the Glowmutton Park, intent on obtaining the contents of a nest built in its highest branches. For some time I was unable to approach the nest, but at length, by dint of much perseverance, I just managed to reach my hand over the top, and took therefrom three beautiful eggs, of a kind as yet unrepresented in my collection. So occupied was I with my prize, that I did not at first observe what was taking place beneath the tree. But on beginning to descend, I saw to my horror immediately below me, my Aunt Galladia and her pet crane seated at tea, with the crane's maid in attendance.
'Needless to say I did not continue my descent, but climbed out to the end of a branch, high over the group. I waited in dreadful suspense in the hope that my aunt would not look up, and that they would soon finish their meal and depart as quickly as they had arrived, but, alas! they were in no hurry. I trembled now so much that I could hear the leaves rustling on the branch, and whether it was that in my fear I loosened my hold, or that the branch shook so under my trembling form, or whether the sight of a beautiful plum cake, directly over which I was poised, made me lose my nerve, I know not, but certain it is that I fell from my position right on to the table. Both my aunt and the maid fainted at once quite away, and the timid green-toed button crane of Baraboo was in such a terrible flutter that in its excitement it snapped the slender gold chain that held it and flew into the sky, where it was soon lost to view. "Now I've done it," thought I, and, no doubt, should have run away had I been able to move, but I was so bruised that I was compelled to remain among the shattered remains of the table and tea things. Presently the maid came to, and then my aunt, and nothing could exceed her rage and grief at losing her valuable pet. They took me home between them and put me to bed, and the severest punishment they could devise was to take away from me my lovely
collection of eggs. "Never," shrieked my wrathful aunt, "shall you have these again until you bring back to me my beautiful crane."
'After a while I recovered, but no one dared to speak to me, and I moped about the house in solitary wretchedness without a single egg to contemplate.
'At last I could bear it no longer, and one night I left the house determined never to return again without the crane. I took with me an old perambulator, in which I had been wheeled about as a child, and
in this I placed six of the delicious kernels of the Peruvian yap bean, besides a hatchet and other things which I thought might be useful on my journey. I slept in the forest and, on the following morning I cut down the straightest tree I could find for my purpose, trimmed it to a fine long pole, and on the very top of this I fastened a pin, bent to the form of a fish-hook, which I now baited with one of the yap kernels.
'"If anything will attract the bird, this will," thought I, having fastened the foot of the pole to my perambulator. I now proceeded to angle the air for the
lost crane. Carefully following the direction I had observed the bird to take when it broke away from its chain, I travelled for weeks and weeks, without seeing any sign of it. In time, without even a nibble, the first kernel was dissolved and worn away by the wind and rain, and, in like manner the same fate overcame the second, with which I baited my hook; then the third, then the fourth, and then the fifth.
'Still keeping the same direction, by this time I had arrived at the very edge of the world, beyond which there is nothing but sea and sky. Believing that the poor creature had flown out over this lonely sea, and hoping that it might return when it realised that there was no land beyond, I determined to wait on the desolate shore.
'I now erected my pole on the sands, after once more baiting my hook, this time with a piece of my last kernel, having taken the precaution of cutting it into six pieces. I now waited patiently, week after week, subsisting on the oysters, the starfish, and the edible crustaceans, that wandered tamely about the shore. Months now passed by, and, one by one, the five pieces of my last yap kernel had followed the other five kernels with which I had set out from home. I am not easily beaten, however, and though many months had passed by without my meeting with any success, I would not give in, but husbanded my last piece of bait with the greatest care. I cut a chip of wood from my angling pole, and shaped it in the form
of a kernel of the Peruvian yap bean. This I rubbed well all over with the tiny piece of the real kernel that yet remained to me, until it assumed somewhat the colour of the original bean and, certainly, when applied to the tip of the tongue, it appeared to partake, though very slightly, it is true, of the original flavour, and with this I once more baited my hook.
'By this means I made my last piece of bean last for some years, for as soon as the artificial bean had lost its flavour, I rubbed it up again with the real one. But even this could not go on for ever, and, at last, the true piece was worn right away; so, to preserve what little flavour there yet remained of the true bean in the false bean, on which it had been so often rubbed, I soaked it for six days in a large shell of rain-water. In the meantime I cut another chip from my pole, and spent nearly six days in carving out another artificial
kernel. Before baiting my hook with this, I dipped it into the fluid in which the old wooden kernel was still soaking, whence it received a very very faint suggestion of the original flavour, but so faint was this that it had to be redipped three times a day. This went on for some time, until the precious liquor began to run low, and I was compelled to dilute it still further, in the proportion of about five drops to a mussel-shellful of water, into which the wooden kernel was now dipped ten or twelve times a day.
'Well, I had been at this game, I should say, getting on for twenty years, and now resolved to have done with it, after risking all on one throw. So I dropped my wooden kernel, all rotted and weather-beaten as it was, into what little there remained over of the pure liquor, this time without diluting it at all, and then let it stew all day in the sun.
'In the evening the liquor was all evaporated, and the wooden bean seemed to the taste as though it possibly might have been in the vicinity of a real one some time before. On that evening, for the last time, I baited my hook and slept soundly at the foot of the pole.
'I was awakened next morning by the wind that had arisen during the night, and a great wrenching noise, as it tore my poor old angling-pole from its place in the sand, and carried it out to sea.
'"That settles it once and for all," thought I, much relieved, "and I'm off home," and I set about getting
my things together. While I was thus engaged, it occurred to me that the old pole might be useful for fires, so I swam out for it. Already it had been blown some way out to sea, and, as the tide was against me, it was only with a very great exertion of strength that I gained at all upon it, and I was just about to give it up when I beheld, fastened to the bent pin at the end of the pole, the wretched crane. The sight lent me greater strength, and, after incredible exertions, I reached the pole almost exhausted. We were now too far from the shore to attempt to return, so I got astride the pole, and immediately proceeded to unfasten the unhappy fowl from my bent pin. At first I thought the poor thing dead, but I nursed it in my arms all through the ensuing night, and, on the following morning, happening to glance down its half-opened beak, I could just see that my wooden imitation of the kernel of the Peruvian yap bean had become lodged in its throat. This I at once removed, and, to my great joy, the dejected fowl almost immediately opened its eyes. Soon it became its old stately self again, though now I could see that the poor thing had aged very considerably since it left home.
'Well, to cut a long story short, at length the gale ceased, and we landed safely on the shore, much nearer to our home, and, after many vicissitudes and adventures, of which I shall have great pleasure in telling you at another time, we eventually arrived at Glowmutton Castle.
'To my grief I learnt that my good aunt, Galladia, had died many years before of old age, and that, true to her own good-nature, her last commands were that if ever I should return with her dearly-loved fowl, my collection of eggs was to be handed back to me, and in recompense for all my privations and exertions to recover the bird, I was to have the care of it and the comfort of its society as long as it lived. So, now you see why I am so pleased with myself.'
The King and the whole army were charmed with the recital, and the long man, whose many noble qualities had already endeared him to them, was cordially invited to join the forces.
'It's all one to me, my cronies,' said the good-natured creature, and they all trudged on.
THE DOCTOR
For many days they had now travelled without meeting with any adventure, when one evening they saw coming towards them a bright young lad, who was leading by the hand an exceedingly learned-looking old gentleman. Their appearance was such as to arouse the King's curiosity to such a degree that he asked the boy the time as he was passing, and then, when all stood still in the road, he led the talk from one thing to another until at last, emboldened by their friendliness, the King came to the point,
and asked the lad who he was and whence he had come.
The two strangers then sat down at the side of the road, and the lad thus addressed the King:—
'You may not believe it, but I am the original Ptolemy Jenkinson, the only and well-beloved nephew of that great and celebrated doctor, Ebenezer Scrout, whom you now see at my side. When, a trembling orphan, I was thrown upon an unfeeling world, he alone of my numerous uncles, aunts, so-called friends and guardians, undertook to find me a comfortable and even luxurious home, and so to educate me that I might prove worthy of occupying the exalted position for which I am destined.
'Uncle Ebenezer was my mother's brother and, a true Scrout, he inherited all his good qualities from my grandfather, Phelim Scrout, the well-known turfcutter, from whom, by the way, I inherit most of mine—but of these it does not become me to speak.
'Many people, jealous perhaps of his great fame, have ridiculed my uncle's claim to be a member of this ancient family, but to set this matter for ever at rest, I have here copied a few notes from the Scroutean genealogical tree, preserved in the archives of the family.' Ptolemy Jenkinson here took from his pocket and handed to Bill a sheet of paper upon which the following notes were written in a clear bold hand: