OR, THE FATAL TUM

I once did know a Turkish man

Whom I upon a two-pair-back met,

His name it was Effendi Khan

Backsheesh Pasha Ben Allah Achmet.

A Doctor Brown I also knew—

I've often eaten of his bounty;

The Turk and he they lived at Hooe,

In Sussex, that delightful county!

I knew a nice young lady there,

Her name was Emily Macpherson,

And though she wore another's hair,

She was an interesting person.

The Turk adored the maid of Hooe

(Although his harem would have shocked her).

But Brown adored that maiden too:

He was a most seductive doctor.

They'd follow her where'er she'd go—

A course of action most improper;

She neither knew by sight, and so

For neither of them cared a copper.

Brown did not know that Turkish male,

He might have been his sainted mother:

The people in this simple tale

Are total strangers to each other.

One day that Turk he sickened sore,

And suffered agonies oppressive;

He threw himself upon the floor

And rolled about in pain excessive.

It made him moan, it made him groan,

And almost wore him to a mummy.

Why should I hesitate to own

That pain was in his little tummy?

At length a doctor came, and rung

(As Allah Achmet had desired),

Who felt his pulse, looked up his tongue,

And hemmed and hawed, and then inquired:

"Where is the pain that long has preyed

Upon you in so sad a way, sir?"

The Turk he giggled, blushed, and said:

"I don't exactly like to say, sir."

"Come, nonsense!" said good Doctor Brown.

"So this is Turkish coyness, is it?

You must contrive to fight it down—

Come, come, sir, please to be explicit."

The Turk he shyly bit his thumb,

And coyly blushed like one half-witted,

"The pain is in my little tum,"

He, whispering, at length admitted.

"Then take you this, and take you that—

Your blood flows sluggish in its channel—

You must get rid of all this fat,

And wear my medicated flannel.

"You'll send for me when you're in need—

My name is Brown—your life I've saved it.

"My rival!" shrieked the invalid,

And drew a mighty sword and waved it:

"This to thy weazand, Christian pest!"

Aloud the Turk in frenzy yelled it,

And drove right through the doctor's chest

The sabre and the hand that held it.

The blow was a decisive one,

And Doctor Brown grew deadly pasty,

"Now see the mischief that you've done—

You Turks are so extremely hasty.

"There are two Doctor Browns in Hooe—

He's short and stout, I'm tall and wizen;

You've been and run the wrong one through,

That's how the error has arisen."

The accident was thus explained,

Apologies were only heard now:

"At my mistake I'm really pained—

I am, indeed—upon my word now.

"With me, sir, you shall be interred,

A mausoleum grand awaits me."

"Oh, pray don't say another word,

I'm sure that more than compensates me.

"But p'r'aps, kind Turk, you're full inside?"

"There's room," said he, "for any number,"

And so they laid them down and died.

In proud Stamboul they sleep their slumber.

[THE PLAYED-OUT HUMORIST]

Quixotic is his enterprise, and hopeless his adventure is,

Who seeks for jocularities that haven't yet been said.

The world has joked incessantly for over fifty centuries,

And every joke that's possible has long ago been made.

I started as a humorist with lots of mental fizziness,

But humour is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse;

For my stock-in-trade, my fixtures, and the goodwill of the business

No reasonable offer I am likely to refuse.

And if anybody choose

He may circulate the news

That no reasonable offer I'm likely to refuse.

Oh happy was that humorist—the first that made a pun at all—

Who when a joke occurred to him, however poor and mean,

Was absolutely certain that it never had been done at all—

How popular at dinners must that humorist have been!

Oh the days when some stepfather for the query held a handle out,

The door-mat from the scraper, is it distant very far?

And when no one knew where Moses was when Aaron blew the candle out,

And no one had discovered that a door could be a-jar!

But your modern hearers are

In their tastes particular,

And they sneer if you inform them that a door can be a-jar!

In search of quip and quiddity, I've sat all day, alone, apart—

And all that I could hit on as a problem was—to find

Analogy between a scrag of mutton and a Bony-part,

Which offers slight employment to the speculative mind:

For you cannot call it very good, however great your charity—

It's not the sort of humour that is greeted with a shout—

And I've come to the conclusion that my mine of jocularity.

In present Anno Domini, is worked completely out!

Though the notion you may scout,

I can prove beyond a doubt

That my mine of jocularity is utterly worked out!

INDEX TO FIRST LINES

Page
A Bishop once—I will not name his see,[484]
A British tar is a soaring soul,[204]
A clergyman in Berkshire dwelt,[309]
A gentleman of City fame,[138]
A hive of bees, as I've heard say,[536]
A lady fair, of lineage high,[123]
A leafy cot, where no dry rot,[294]
Although of native maids the cream,[482]
A magnet hung in a hardware shop,[153]
A maiden sat at her window wide,[454]
A man who would woo a fair maid,[209]
A monarch is pestered with cares,[526]
A more humane Mikado never,[388]
An actor—Gibbs, of Drury Lane,[391]
An actor sits in doubtful gloom,[508]
An elderly person—a prophet by trade,[114]
An excellent soldier who's worthy the name,[399]
A proud Pasha was Bailey Ben,[242]
A rich advowson, highly prized,[356]
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,[99]
At a pleasant evening party I had taken down to supper,[58]
A tar, but poorly prized,[528]
A tenor, all singers above,[547]
A Troubadour he played,[51]
At the outset I may mention it's my sovereign intention,[515]
A wonderful joy our eyes to bless,[499]
Babette she was a fisher gal,[76]
Bedecked in fashion trim,[471]
Bob Polter was a navvy, and,[176]
Bold-faced ranger,[512]
Braid the raven hair,[113]
Brightly dawns our wedding day,[81]
Come, collar this bad man,[440]
Come mighty Must!,[367]
Come with me, little maid!,[24]
Comes a train of little ladies,[254]
Comes the broken flower,[329]
Dalilah de Dardy adored,[64]
Dr. Belville was regarded as the Crichton of his age,[146]
Earl Joyce he was a kind old party,[229]
Emily Jane was a nursery maid,[405]
Fear no unlicensed entry,[431]
First you're born—and I'll be bound you,[487]
From east and south the holy clan,[108]
Gentle, modest, little flower,[122]
Good children, list, if you're inclined,[221]
Haunted? Ay, in a social way,[39]
He is an Englishman!,[13]
He loves! If in the bygone years,[453]
I am the very pattern of a modern Major-Gineral,[42]
I cannot tell what this love may be,[169]
If my action's stiff and crude,[480]
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am,[16]
If you're anxious to shine in the high æsthetic line, as a man of
culture rare,		[271]
If you want a receipt for that popular mystery,[49]
I go away, this blessed day,[348]
I have a song to sing, O![182]
I knew a boor—a clownish card,[87]
I know a youth who loves a little maid,[361]
I love a man who'll smile and joke,[383]
I'm old, my dears, and shrivelled with age, and work, and grief,[214]
In all the towns and cities fair,[131]
In enterprise of martial kind,[262]
I often wonder whether you,[376]
I once did know a Turkish man,[549]
I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop,[6]
I sing a legend of the sea,[273]
Is life a boon?[38]
I stole the Prince, and I brought him here,[26]
It's my opinion—though I own,[473]
It was a Bishop bold,[44]
It was a robber's daughter, and her name was Alice Brown,[205]
I've often thought that headstrong youths,[164]
I've painted Shakespeare all my life,[287]
I've wisdom from the East and from the West,[299]
John courted lovely Mary Ann,[28]
King Borria Bungalee Boo,[155]
Letters, letters, letters, letters![501]
List while the poet trolls,[8]
Lord B. was a nobleman bold,[475]
Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus M'Clan,[185]
Mr. Blake was a regular out-and-out hardened sinner,[256]
My boy, you may take it from me,[458]
My wedded life,[534]
No nobler captain ever trod,[492]
Now, Jurymen, hear my advice,[411]
Now, Marco, dear,[345]
O'er unreclaimed suburban clays,[148]
Of all the good attorneys who,[125]
Of all the ships upon the blue,[1]
Of all the youths I ever saw,[94]
Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon,[161]
Oh, big was the bosom of brave Alum Bey,[317]
Oh, foolish fay,[32]
Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray,[136]
Oh! is there not one maiden breast,[143]
Oh! listen to the tale of little Annie Protheroe,[280]
Oh, listen to the tale of Mister William, if you please,[235]
Oh, list to this incredible tale,[171]
Oh! little maid!—(I do not know your name),[82]
Oh! my name is John Wellington Wells,[211]
Oh, that my soul its gods could see,[71]
Oh, what a fund of joy jocund lies hid in harmless hoaxes![523]
Old Peter led a wretched life,[413]
On all Arcadia's sunny plain,[433]
On a tree by a river a little tomtit,[354]
Once a fairy,[446]
Only a dancing girl,[14]
Perhaps already you may know,[426]
Policeman Peter Forth I drag,[193]
Prithee, pretty maiden—prithee, tell me true,[397]
Quixotic is his enterprise, and hopeless his adventure is[553]
Rising early in the morning,[119]
Roll on, thou ball, roll on![539]
Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year,[22]
Sighing softly to the river,[219]
Sir Guy was a doughty crusader,[34]
Small titles and orders,[84]
Society has quite forsaken all her wicked courses,[497]
Some seven men form an Association,[490]
Some time ago, in simple verse,[338]
Sorry her lot who loves too well,[286]
Spurn not the nobly born,[307]
Strike the concertina's melancholy string,[518]
Take a pair of sparkling eyes,[175]
The air is charged with amatory numbers,[92]
The Ballyshannon foundered off the coast of Cariboo,[541]
The bravest names for fire and flames,[18]
The earth has armies plenty,[248]
The law is the true embodiment,[191]
The other night, from cares exempt,[368]
There grew a little flower,[418]
There lived a King, as I've been told,[424]
The Reverend Micah Sowls,[467]
There were three niggers of Chickeraboo,[200]
The story of Frederick Gowler,[301]
The sun was setting in its wonted west,[460]
The Sun, whose rays,[56]
They intend to send a wire,[106]
This is Sir Barnaby Bampton Boo,[324]
To a garden full of posies,[130]
Try we life-long, we can never,[466]
'Twas on the shores that round our coast,[101]
Two better friends you wouldn't pass,[363]
Vast, empty shell![144]
Weary at heart and extremely ill,[265]
Were I a king in very truth,[504]
Were I thy bride,[374]
What time the poet hath hymned,[445]
When a felon's not engaged in his employment,[63]
When all night long a chap remains,[292]
When a merry maiden marries,[198]
When Britain really ruled the waves,[74]
Whene'er I poke sarcastic joke,[69]
When first my old, old love I knew,[439]
When I first put this uniform on,[322]
When I, good friends, was called to the Bar,[315]
When I was a lad I served a term,[227]
When I went to the Bar as a very young man,[278]
When maiden loves, she sits and sighs,[255]
When man and maiden meet, I like to see a drooping eye,[330]
When rival adorers come courting a maid,[420]
When the buds are blossoming,[403]
When the night wind howls in the chimney cowl, and the bat in
the moonlight flies,		[381]
When you find you're a broken-down critter,[506]
When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is taboo'd
by anxiety,		[335]
Would you know the kind of maid,[240]

ALPHABETICAL INDEX TO TITLES

Page
Æsthete, The,[271]
Ah Me!,[255]
Anglicised Utopia,[497]
Annie Protheroe,[280]
Ape and the Lady, The,[123]
Appeal, An,[143]
At a Pantomime,[508]
A Worm will Turn,[383]
Babette's Love,[76]
Baby's Vengeance, The,[265]
Baffled Grumbler, The,[69]
Baines Carew, Gentleman,[125]
Ben Allah Achmet; or, the Fatal Tum,[549]
Bishop and the 'Busman, The,[44]
Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo, The,[108]
Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo Again, The,[376]
Blue Blood,[307]
Bob Polter,[176]
Braid the Raven Hair,[113]
Brave Alum Bey,[317]
British Tar, The,[204]
Bumboat Woman's Story, The,[214]
Captain and the Mermaids, The,[273]
Captain Reece,[1]
Classical Revival, A,[505]
Coming By-and-By, The,[22]
Contemplative Sentry, The,[292]
Cunning Woman, The,[433]
Damon v. Pythias,[363]
Darned Mounseer, The,[6]
Disagreeable Man, The,[16]
Disconcerted Tenor, The,[547]
Discontented Sugar Broker, A,[138]
Disillusioned,[71]
Don't Forget!,[345]
Duke and the Duchess, The,[84]
Duke of Plaza-Toro, The,[262]
Eheu Fugaces—!,[92]
Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen,[185]
Emily, John, James, and I,[405]
English Girl, An,[499]
Englishman, The,[13]
Etiquette,[541]
Fairy Curate, The,[446]
Fairy Queen's Song, The,[32]
Family Fool, The,[161]
Ferdinando and Elvira; or, the Gentle Pieman,[58]
Fickle Breeze, The,[219]
First Lord's Song, The,[227]
First Love,[299]
Folly of "Brown, The,[87]
Force of Argument, The,[475]
General John,[18]
Gentle Alice Brown,[205]
Ghosts' High Noon, The,[381]
Ghost, the Gallant, the Gael, and the Goblin, The,[148]
Girl Graduates,[106]
Good Little Girls,[482]
Great Oak Tree, The,[418]
Gregory Parable, LL.D.[294]
Haughty Actor, The,[391]
Haunted,[39]
He and She,[361]
Heavy Dragoon, The,[49]
He Loves![453]
Her Terms,[534]
Highly Respectable Gondolier, The,[26]
Hongree and Mahry,[460]
House of Peers, The,[74]
How it's Done,[512]
Humane Mikado, The,[388]
Independent Bee, The,[536]
Is Life a Boon?[38]
Joe Golightly; or, the First Lord's Daughter,[528]
John and Freddy,[28]
Judge's Song, The,[315]
King Borria Bungalee Boo,[155]
King Goodheart,[424]
King of Canoodle-dum, The,[301]
Lieutenant-Colonel Flare,[248]
Life,[487]
Life is Lovely all the Year,[403]
Limited Liability,[490]
Little Oliver,[229]
Lorenzo de Lardy,[64]
Lost Mr. Blake,[256]
Love-sick Boy, The,[439]
Magnet and the Churn, The,[153]
Manager's Perplexities, A,[504]
Man who would Woo a Fair Maid, A,[209]
Martinet, The,[338]
Merry Madrigal, A,[81]
Merryman and his Maid, The,[182]
Mighty Must, The,[367]
Mirage, A,[374]
Mister William,[235]
Modern Major-General, The,[42]
Modest Couple, The,[330]
My Dream,[368]
My Lady,[471]
Mystic Selvagee, The,[426]
National Anthem, The,[526]
Nightmare, A,[335]
Old Paul and Old Tim,[420]
One against the World,[473]
Only a Dancing Girl,[14]
Only Roses,[130]
Out of Sorts,[506]
Pantomime "Super" to his Mask, The,[144]
Pasha Bailey Ben,[242]
Perils of Invisibility, The,[413]
Periwinkle Girl, The,[164]
Peter the Wag,[193]
Phantom Curate, The,[484]
Philosophic Pill, The,[299]
Phrenology,[440]
Played-out Humorist, The,[553]
Poetry Everywhere,[445]
Policeman's Lot, The,[63]
Practical Joker, The,[523]
Precocious Baby, The,[114]
Proper Pride,[56]
Put a Penny in the Slot,[280]
Recipe, A,[175]
Reverend Micah Sowls, The,[467]
Reverend Simon Magus, The,[356]
Reward of Merit, The,[146]
Rival Curates, The,[8]
Rover's Apology, The,[136]
Said I to Myself, Said I,[278]
Sailor Boy to his Lass, The,[348]
Sans Souci,[169]
Sensation Captain, The,[492]
Sir Barnaby Bampton Boo,[324]
Sir Guy the Crusader,[34]
Sir Macklin,[94]
Sleep on![431]
Solatium,[329]
Sorcerer's Song, The,[211]
Sorry her Lot,[286]
Speculation,[254]
Story of Prince Agib, The,[518]
Suicide's Grave, The,[354]
Susceptible Chancellor, The,[191]
Tangled Skein, The,[466]
Tempora Mutantur,[501]
They'll None of 'em be Missed,[99]
Thomas Winterbottom Hance,[131]
Thomson Green and Harriet Hale,[171]
Three Kings of Chickeraboo, The,[200]
To a Little Maid,[24]
To my Bride,[82]
To Ph[oe]be,[122]
To the Terrestrial Globe,[539]
Troubadour, The,[51]
True Diffidence,[458]
Two Majors, The,[399]
Two Ogres, The,[221]
Unfortunate Likeness, An,[287]
Usher's Charge, The,[411]
Way of Wooing, The,[454]
When a Merry Maiden Marries,[198]
When I First Put this Uniform On,[322]
Willow Waly![397]
Working Monarch, The,[119]
Would you Know?[240]
Yarn of the "Nancy Bell," The,[101]

THE END.

Transcriber's Notes

1.Simple typographical errors were silently corrected.

2.Some illustrations have been moved from their original position
as they appear in the source publication.