XII FALL CLEANING

To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine, who realise how collapsed home life looks when being cleaned.

Dear Mr:

Some folks is so clean they cause considerable untidiness everywheres they go. Such was Hon. Mrs August Moon of Salem, Mass, who is another of my bosses gone by. This lady got a house containing mahogany chairs which was brought over by Hon. Pilgrim Fathers when they was running ferryboat Cauliflower between Salem and Grand Rapids, Mich. She revere her furniture and all her other ancestors. Each day she require me to stroke her mahogany lovingly with furniture polish.

This Hon. Lady are very superstitious about dirt. She think it are not clean to have around. She imagine dust, soot & mildew enter her house like a burgler and Togo must be a policeman to arrest it when it gets inside.

“Togo,” she say, while I am enslaving myself amidst dishwater in kitchen, “I just heard a mouse making footprints in attic. Rosh up with mop, please, and remove his muddy tracks.”

I do so.

“Togo,” she requesh nextly, “six autumn leaves has fell on the walk befront of the house. Gather them in your apron and burn them thoroughly in kitchen stove, taking care that no ashes escape.”

I do so.

“Togo,” she hypothecate, “I can observe two fly-tracks running over portrait of my ancestor, Gov. Beelzebub Biggs. Kindly to wash his face carefully with cast-steel soap and don’t offend his dignitary.”

This also I accomplish compressing the insurgent feeling that arise continuously in my elbows.

“The early bird obtains worms,” she say cheerly when I arise at 4.32 a. m. for scrubb with sudds.

“At such time as this I prefer sleep to worms,” are smart reply I make.

“To-day we shall commence housecleaning,” she report last Fryday a. m.

“Commence it!” I communicate crossly like Napoleon. “When did we ever discontinue to houseclean?”

“Ah ho!” she laugh at. “What you has been doing is merely lick-and-promise. Housecleaning are different. To houseclean you must pull down everything that is up and pull up everything that is down. Home must be carried out into the back yard and throughly swep. All dust in house must be shoved out onto carpets which are on clothesline; then all carpets on clothesline must be brutably punished with clubs until dust fly back into house. And so on until exhausted.”

I could not disobey such wise demand. So I remove off coat and commence eloping up & down stair, each time carrying some variety of pianos and mahogany dresser. My suspenders bulged with gigantic strength while Hon. Mrs Moon stood near and explained how I was more weak than Irish labour.

That house were completely filled with break-a-brack and other dishes which had been shot full of holes by mean British in Battle of Revolution which occurred in 1492. There was many plates & cups, beautiful but very lame. I drop several of these in removal, and they look more broke than usual. Several of them fell down stairs ahead of me and arrived with considerable crashes.

“I estimate my loss at $580 which must be removed from your wages,” Mrs Moon say-so while she stood mourning over those fractured relicks.

I reply by saying nothing.

I rip up carpets with strength peculiar to a giant full of steam. I throw him on clothesline and trott backwards for more. I bathe Mr Moon’s painted ancesters with soap-wash till they look nearly handsome. I polish floors, door, silver & hardwear with continuous rapidity. I wash stove with sudds and clean 14 pairs gloves with gasolene.

Then another breakage occur which were too bad. I was smoothing one snobbish-looking china-closet with rags, when I axidentally broke him endwise by dropping out of window. Mrs. Moon could not help from noticing.

“$19.82 extra subtracted from your wages!” she holla arithmatically.

No intelligent reply from me.

Hon. Mrs Moon spend morning in attic opening reverend trunks and fetching forth quilts & skirts belonging to Pilgrims. These I also pin to clothes-line. Nextly I brosh wall-paper with whisk and climb to roof where I save a white cat which had crolled up drain-pipe to suicide himself. I receive no extra pay for this kindness. While doing thusly I burst $27 worth of windows and bill was sent to me by Mrs Moon who holla how much it was.

I carry 6 tons complete books from cellar to library on 3rd floor. When I find they no belong there I took them back again. I also transmit considerable bags containing coal from woodshed to basement where it look more comfortable.

Very sorry event occurred when I was washing 48 eggs shell china cups. Shelf of table upturned and all splatter to floor. Mrs Moon screech and charge it to my account.

After that I paint back porch, carry sideboards, croll over all ceilings of rooms to fish away cobwebs with broom and stuff upholstery into all lounges what need it.

Mrs Moon were a very thoughtful woman. She always thought of something more for me to do with arms and legs. When I was on top-ladder dusting chandeliers she suddenly remember her mother’s fire-screen she had not seen since Agnes was married.

“Go down cellar and open 11 boxes containing trash and see if mother’s fire-screen ain’t there.”

I do so. It were not.

“Nail them up again quickly,” she comment. “Then go to roof and sweep out chimbley.”

I elevated myself to loftly position and stood poking smok-tracks from chimbley. Just then she holla,

“Come down 1st floor, please, and ade me in removing tables upstairs.”

I do so wishing I was a bird and could fly up and down with less feetsteps.

By that time Hon. Sun were setting and I feel like doing the same. So I choose soft chair in back yard and soothe myself by flopping to it. There I reposed amidst rags, rugs, brooms, portraits, paints and other cleanly dirt.

“Why you set there so worklessly?” she require, seeing me with eagle expression.

“I have moved so much that I am now moveless,” I reply with great pathos.

She make her eyes look kind and charity.

“Maybe you tired!” she collapse with considerable gentleness.

“Ah no, Mrs Madam,” I contuse chivalrously. “I not tired—I merely exhausted.”

“Servants should be cherished as well as masters,” she say scientifically. “I acknowledge my carelessness. In enthusiasm of housecleaning I forgot you was as apt to get fatigued as any other horse. I permit you to feel weary, because you are Japanese and not strong like a Irish labour. I forgive this fault in you.”

“O thank you so many for that gentle heart!” I report back, enjoying slight tear-drop from gratitude.

“No, Togo, you may rest,” she say. “But while you are resting, would you please go out to back yard and beat a few Brussels carpets?”

Excuse me, Mr Editor, for acting so unobliged to a lady. But I could not do furthermore. My arms walk out on strike when I attempt to make them work. So I go to kitchen and arrive back with satchel grip and derby hat.

“Sweethearted Mrs Madam,” I report, “I realise how my mind is too lightweight for your serious employment. Therefore I quit. How much you estimate I owe you for damage, breakage & crackage I done to-day?”

“1230.50 would cover everything,” she suppose.

“At my present wage-pay of $5 per weekly,” I snuggest, “I should be very elderly Japanese before last instalment was pay off. Therefore I shall not encumber you by waiting so long.”

“But what shall I do about that bill?” she require nervely.

“Ah, Mrs Madam, you are honest lady,” I bounce back. “I are sure I can trust you to keep that bill more better than anybody else.”

“You done my household considerable injury,” she sum up.

“I are willing to forgive that also,” I repartee. “Therefore, if you will present me with 50c out of what I owe you, I shall retreat by trolley and leave your home safe from me.”

She contribute 25c from purse, because she say she can’t get no more change until her husband get back. That gentleman are in Arabia collecting rugs, so I decide it was too long to wait for 25c.

When nextly seen I was standing on depot-station in New England R. R. asking Hon. Ticket Merchant if he would sell me fare to some city where folks never clean house except when scolded by Brd of Health.

Hoping you are the same
Yours truly
Hashimura Togo.