XV A PICNIC PARTY

To Editor Home & Lady Page who enjoys fresh air best when slightly cooked:

Hon. Dear Sir:—

Why should tame folks wish to be wild when they are getting along in nice candition without any Nature around? I ask to know. Hon. Mrs Horse W. Snow, by who I was discharged away recently, might still nourish me in her house if it was not for fresh air subject I tell you about:

This Hon. Snow family reside in Trenton, N. J., where they live. Hon. Mrs Snow have got two (2) complete twins, Frederick & Ederick, age 4 yrs. old each. Hon. Horse W. Snow have got asthma. So every one enjoys affliction in his own way.

Last Fryday, when I was in Hon. Kitchen manufacturing pies by baking it, Hon. Mrs approach up to me & explan,

“Togo,” she say it, “do you unstand picnics?”

“What kind of Gen. Housekeeping are that?” I ask to enquire.

“It are the only kind what can be did outdoors,” she report.

“How do you make a picnic?” are next question for me.

“Picnics can be manufactured by following recipee,” she snuggest:

“1st:—Fill an ottomobile with children, pie & other sandwitches;

2st:—Find a piece of Nature and set down on it with lunch;

3st:—Continue this programme until go-home time, then do so.”

I listened with wrapped attention.

“Cannot Nature be seen without taking lunch along?” I ask off.

“I have no time to answer statistics,” she dib hashly. “To-morrow morning by early a. m. we depart away in ottomobile for find some soft place in Nature to sit on. I wish you prepare lunch of delicious hard-boiledness to include egg, chicken, more eggs, cake, some eggs, sandwitches & confused varieties of pie.”

“I obey similar to soldiers,” in voice from me.

“And don’t forget the eggs,” she reproach while eloping away.

That ottomobile of Hon. Horse W. Snow are a 7 passenger car. Therefore it do not act surprised when 10 persons of sorted sizes gets into it. Thusly, it look last Satday morning by early a. m. when Hon. Ottomobile give hoots similar to martyrs about to enjoy break down. Included among those getting in was Mrs & Mr Horse W. Snow & 2 twins; Mr & Mrs Hamlet J. Dilk & 2 yrs. old Arthur; Togo & food; Ethel & Albert, lovely young folks who look at each other with fiancee expression.

Honks by Hon. Otto.

Hon. Horse W. Snow, who was at the wheel pushing gasolene, say, “I have look forwards to this day for joyful time.”

“We shall have delightful picnic,” renig Mrs Horse W. “Togo, why are you so unintellectual as to carry pie with its head downwards?”

“This are delightful day to find Nature at home,” say Hon. Horse W. with happy smiling.

“It are,” derange Hon. Mrs. “Horse, why you insist on wheeling through so many bumps that my elbows shake loose?”

“Let us go to Buttermilk Falls where moss is there,” snuggest Hon. Dilk.

“Buttermilk Falls are full of disgust,” report Hon. Mrs Dilk.

They would doubtlessly enjoyed some more quarrel, but they were discontinued by rumpage in their midst where Hons. Ederick & Frederick was making slaps to Hon. Dilk baby, age 2. Weeps.

Everybody wish go somewhere else. Ethel wish go Lover’s Leap. Albert require go Altoona Vista. Hon. Mrs Snow demand go Trolley View Park. I wish go home, but everybody was careless to ask my requirements.

But Hon. Snow, who was driving ottomobile, took us to Morning Glory Glenn, because nobody wish go there.

Morning Glory Glenn were nice landscape resembling some photos of Nature I have seen. It include wooden trees, a wet brook, considerable wasps & other outdoor symptoms.

“Togo,” say Hon. Snow with boss expression, “I shall attend to all the hard work of this picnic if you fetch 8 buckets water, cut down 11 trees, make Dutch oven by piling stones, put baby to sleep, watch twins and bake potatus.”

“This are very restful spot,” report Hon. Ethel.

I did not notice it. Nature look like any other kitchen to me, except there was more room to get tired in.

In the immediate meanwhile all that picnic were unfastening lunching basket and enjoying many unpleasant things about him.

“Who spilled mustard in angel cake?” require Hon. Snow looking like a jury.

“Togo,” report Hon. Mrs Snow peevly.

I say nothing by chopping wood.

“Who broke 17 eggs & forgot to bring butter while doing so?” approach Hon. Ethel with finacee eyebrows.

“Togo,” snuggest Hon. Albert with engaged expression.

I carry silent firewood to blazes.

Hon. Mrs Dilk spread down tablecloth of Turkish redness & make him look good housekeeping by putting plates, pickles, ham & saucers on him.

“It are going to rain!” report all together like chorus girls.

“I are to blame for that also,” I acknowledge.

All seem pleased to hear my crime, yet no intellectual reply.

By wet water of runnybrook, Frederick & Ederick was playing Indian by using Mrs Dilk’s 2 yrs. old baby for a prisoner. Pretty soonly, they dropped Hon. Baby in wet water to see how well he float. He did not do so, thank you; therefore I must plunge myself in and remove Baby out. He notice my chivalry by angry howells.

“I have saved your Baby from a watery tombstone,” I report to Mrs Dilk.

“Could you not save him without wetting his feet so seriously?” she ask out crankerously.

“Next time he drowns, he should carry an umberella!” I snuggest, while poking potatus in fire where they would burn better.

Hon. Sky now look very sorry like he expect rain. Yet not yet. Lunching were nearly most prepared. Ethel & Albert were enjoying disagreeable love-talk, Hon. Snow & Hon. Dilk was drinking appetite from bottel, Frederick & Ederick was weeping as usual—when Oh!!!! Hon. Mrs Dilk come hop-jump over hill and make following explanation:

“Bull! Bull!!”

We could hear somebody talking moo-language slightly off in distance.

“Who shall save us?” require Hon. Snow, picking up Ed. & Fred. (twins) while Hon. Mrs Dilk obtained Baby.

Looking over the eyebrow of the hill, I observe one fatherly cow enjoying salad of daisy-cup blossoms. He seemed to be a smiling cattle of Tammany Hall nature.

“Togo,” require Hon. Snow with militia expression, “you go scare Hon. Bull offwards while me & Mr Dilk bravely save wives & children.”

They all began walking backwards to fence 86 feet away. That Hon. Bull appear very civilized, so I was sure he would go away by request. I had read in news-print, somewheres, that bulls are afraid of red rags; therefore, I took up that reddy tablecloth and approach close by his nose making waves with it.

“Shoo!” I repeat like a toreador.

All folks, while running, yell, “Don’t do! Don’t do!” but I was too busy scaring bulls to make notice of them.

All suddenly, Hon. Bull look upwards & observe my antix. He must of been extra brave, because that red rag did not scare him slightly. Snores of rage from him. He begin pawing grass with finger-nails. Loudly bellus by him. Then—O rush!! He elevated his horns downwards and make gollup for me.

When I see how ambitious he look, I did one great heroism: I continued to wave red rag & rush towards them picnic folks so I could be there to protect them when Hon. Bull begin to hook. They was 48 feet ahead of me, but me & Hon. Bull run very fast. I keep ahead, because he stop to swear two or three times. We reached Hon. Fence together, just as Hon. Snow & Hon. Dilk was getting over with armful of family.

Roars!! That grand-square animal kicked me with horns so skilfully that I made airship movement & come down on fence just in time to help Hon. Dilk & family fall over. Yet they was thankless. Everybody was on other side by that time. You would think they should be happy to see me light among them—yet not.

Hon. Bull spent 36 minutes making angry promenades up & down fence talking oratory in cow language. Then he go back to where Hon. Lunch was & spent rest of afternoon kicking it into river with horns.

Hon. Sky begin to rain & them (2) twins made it wetter by weeps. All wish to go homewards, but that was umpossible, because Hon. Ottomobile were in field next to where Hon. Bull were setting down.

At 7:26 p. m. time, Hon. Farmer come along with moustache under chin & offer to coax off Bull, price $5.

“He are harmless,” interrogate Hon. Farmer.

“I know it,” report Hon. Snow. “He merely chased us to tell us so.”

We all got into car, pretty soonly, and start homewards amidst considerable drips and shipwrecked feelings of stumach.

“Shakspeare never wrote nothing so tragic like to-day,” glub Hon. Snow.

“Dearie, when you see Nature, you must take him like he comes,” snuggest Hon. Mrs.

“He’ll have to come to my house, next time I see him,” he dib.

When we arrive up to R. R. station, I was surprised: Hon. Snow stop ottomobile.

“Togo,” he say so, “This are where you get off.”

“You wish me depart homeless?” I snagger.

“Since you are so smart at flagging bulls,” he resnort, “maybe you can wave red rags at engineer and tell him take you some place where picnics is unknown & brains unnecessary.”

Speaking thusly, Hon. Ottomobile depart away full of honks.

Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.