A Plea for Monogamy - 1

A PLEA FOR
MONOGAMY

BY
WILFRID LAY, Ph.D.

Author of Man’s Unconscious Conflict, The Child’s Unconscious
Mind, Man’s Unconscious Passion and Man’s
Unconscious Spirit.

O heart! Oh blood that freezes, blood that burns!

Earth’s returns

For whole centuries of folly, noise and sin!

Shut them in,

With their triumphs and their glories and the rest,

Love is best!

—Browning: Love Among the Ruins.

BONI and LIVERIGHT
Publishers New York

Copyright, 1923, by
Boni and Liveright, Inc.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

First Printing, June, 1923
Second Printing, November, 1923
Third Printing November, 1924
Fourth Printing, February, 1925
Fifth Printing, June, 1925
Sixth Printing, August, 1925
Seventh Printing, January, 1926

UXORI
AMANDISSIMAE

CHAPTER		PAGE
I.	True Conception of Marriage	[1]
	[§ 1] Disproportionate emotional and intellectual development, [p. 1]; [§ 2] Archaic emotions in marriage, [p. 2]; [§ 3] Charity, [p. 3]; [§ 4] The sexual crisis, [p. 4]; [§ 5] Man’s erotic dominance, [p. 6]; [§ 6] Misapprehension about psychoanalysis, [p. 7]; [§ 7] Polymorphous-perverse, [p. 11]; [§ 8] Marriage the only cure, [p. 12]; [§ 9] The normal sex life, [p. 12]; [§ 10] The true sense of “erotic,” [p. 13].
II.	Modern Emotional Unrest	[16]
	[§ 11] Discontented wives, [p. 16]; [§ 12] Playmates and cicisbeos, [p. 18]; [§ 13] Wife’s need of playmates is husband’s fault, [p. 19]; [§ 14] Innovations in this book, [p. 21]; [§ 15] Home spirit the husband’s creation, [p. 22]; [§ 16] Masculinity and femininity, [p. 23]; [§ 17] Virile love, [p. 24]; [§ 18] Arnold Bennett answered, [p. 26]; [§ 19] Love at first sight, [p. 29]; [§ 20] Mental autoerotism, [p. 31]; [§ 21] Mutuality, [p. 32]; [§ 22] Mutuality vs. autoerotism, [p. 35]; [§ 23] Honeymoons and autoerotism, [p. 37]; [§ 24] Barter and quid pro quo, [p. 39]; [§ 25] Novel result of modern technique, [p. 42]; [§ 26] Satisfaction via two routes, [p. 44]; [§ 27] Infant class of husbands, [p. 46]; [§ 28] Autosuggestion in marital life, [p. 48]; [§ 29] Hypersomatic and hyposomatic, [p. 49]; [§ 30] An objection answered, [p. 51]; [§ 31] The idea: “I cannot,” [p. 52]; [§ 32] Sedentary vs. athletic men, [p. 53].
III.	Emotions	[56]
	[§ 33] Emotions as organic sensations, [p. 56]; [§ 34] Men as emotional as women, [p. 58]; [§ 35] Repression, [p. 59]; [§ 36] Erotic emotion, [p. 59]; [§ 37] Woman’s repressed emotions, [p. 60]; [§ 38] Reassociability, [p. 61]; [§ 39] The case of Miss F., [p. 62]; [§ 40] The case of Mrs. G., [p. 63]; [§ 41] Slight reassociability of erotic emotion, [p. 64].
IV.	Instincts	[66]
	[§ 42] Twofold division of instincts, [p. 66]; [§ 43] The egoistic-social instinct, [p. 67]; [§ 44] Comparison its essential feature, [p. 68]; [§ 45] Evolution of the egoistic-social, [p. 71]; [§ 46] Plato’s fable, [p. 73]; [§ 47] Completeness of life, [p. 75]; [§ 48] Not all sex acts are truly erotic, [p. 77]; [§ 49] The young man with the clandestine affair, [p. 78]; [§ 50] Egoistic-social instincts over-stressed, [p. 82]; [§ 51] Present incipient tendency to stress the erotic, [p. 83]; [§ 52] Parents’ happy marriage necessary to child’s welfare, [p. 85]; [§ 53] The best parental environment, [p. 87]; [§ 54] Marital pattern should be seen by children, [p. 89]; [§ 55] Instinct in humans inadequate, [p. 90]; [§ 56] Three fusions in heterosexual union, [p. 91]; [§ 57] Instinctive reasoning by analogy, [p. 91]; [§ 58] The greatest human happiness comes from the three fusions, [p. 93]; [§ 59] Instinct of woman expects strength in man, [p. 93]; [§ 60] Man’s reaction to feminine opposition, [p. 94]; [§ 61] Visually unattractive women, [p. 95]; [§ 62] The love instinct a bad guide, [p. 96]; [§ 63] The ductless glands; superiority of the love instinct, [p. 97].
V.	The Love Episode	[98]
	[§ 64] Love is control by husband, the work of a lifetime, [p. 98]; [§ 65] The erotologist, [p. 99]; [§ 66] Wife the “trembler,” [p. 100]; [§ 67] The precipitant husband, [p. 102]; [§ 68] A positive expressive control of her love emotions by the wife, [p. 103]; [§ 69] The love drama, [p. 104]; [§ 70] Man’s occasional embarrassment, [p. 105]; [§ 71] Unsatisfactoriness of promiscuity, [p. 105]; [§ 72] Marriage as an examination of man by woman, [p. 107]; [§ 73] Man’s failure to charm, [p. 108]; [§ 74] The love episode, [p. 109]; [§ 75] Its extent, [p. 110]; [§ 76] Sign of fusion, [p. 111]; [§ 77] Test of happiness, [p. 112]; [§ 78] “The Secret Places of the Heart,” [p. 113]; [§ 79] The Islet, [p. 113]; [§ 80] Reflections, [p. 118]; [§ 81] The Ocean Shore, [p. 121]; [§ 82] Taking a woman’s all, [p. 123]; [§ 83] Erotic episode like carving a statue, [p. 124]; [§ 84] Love episode only a step in development, [p. 124]; [§ 85] Don Juanism’s fallacy, [p. 125]; [§ 86] Phantasy of exhaustion, [p. 126]; [§ 87] Woman’s infinite variety, [p. 126]; [§ 88] Union complete, total and exclusive, [p. 128]; [§ 89] Taking a woman’s body, [p. 128]; [§ 90] Woman’s right to acme, [p. 130]; [§ 91] Consciousness of desire, [p. 131]; [§ 92] Woman’s helpless plight, [p. 132]; [§ 93] The wife as complementary body, [p. 133]; [§ 94] Poverty of emotional development, [p. 133]; [§ 95] Energy liberated by erotism, [p. 135]; [§ 96] Preparation of the wife, [p. 136]; [§ 97] Sufficient time to be given to it, [p. 137]; [§ 98] The estrus and its psychological analogue, [p. 138]; [§ 99] Futility of average love episodes, [p. 139]; [§ 100] Karezza, etc., [p. 140]; [§ 101] Their extraordinary result, [p. 141]; [§ 102] Their undeniable difficulty, [p. 142]; [§ 103] Uselessness of attempting to confine the love impulse, [p. 144]; [§ 104] Substitution of vicarious activities, [p. 145]; [§ 105] Karezza compared to the Steinach operation, [p. 145]; [§ 106] Karezza does not frustrate all emotional relaxation, [p. 146]; [§ 107] Wife’s desire to be dominated erotically, [p. 148]; [§ 108] Wife-domination not effected by egoistic-social devotion, [p. 149]; [§ 109] Marital relations cannot be too truly erotic, [p. 151]; [§ 110] Woman’s erotic relaxation necessary, [p. 151]; [§ 111] Simultaneity, [p. 153]; [§ 112] Autoerotism of the honeymoon, [p. 154]; [§ 113] The succession plan, [p. 155]; [§ 114] It demonstrates the husband’s erotic control, [p. 155]; [§ 115] It insures the basis of a happy marriage, [p. 157]; [§ 116] Autosuggestion, [p. 159]; [§ 117] Means of securing control, [p. 160]; [§ 118] The love pattern an individual matter, [p. 161]; [§ 119] Fetishism, [p. 162]; [§ 120] Illustrations, [p. 163]; [§ 121] The wife’s unconscious attempt to hurry the husband, [p. 165]; [§ 122] The mountain climbing, [p. 165]; [§ 123] The view at the top, [p. 166]; [§ 124] The detail of the peak, [p. 168]; [§ 125] Reflections at the top, [p. 169]; [§ 126] Accelerating fetishisms, [p. 170]; [§ 127] Climbing together, [p. 171].
VI.	Control	[175]
	[§ 128] Evolution of erotic over egoistic-social; individuality and control, [p. 175]; [§ 129] Erotic control is the only real individuality, [p. 178]; [§ 130] The conventional demand, [p. 179]; [§ 131] Love impulse the only thing left, [p. 181]; [§ 132] Control is not annihilation, [p. 182]; [§ 133] Difference between man’s and woman’s control, [p. 183]; [§ 134] Man’s lack of erotic control unnecessary, [p. 184]; [§ 135] Woman’s inability to control erotically, [p. 186]; [§ 136] Phantasy of honeymoon bliss; the test, [p. 187]; [§ 137] Women’s confusion of the two controls, [p. 190]; [§ 138] Woman’s development dependent on husband’s, [p. 192]; [§ 139] Woman’s acme not conditioned by husband’s, [p. 193]; [§ 140] Insensitiveness, [p. 193]; [§ 141] Anesthesia, [p. 195]; [§ 142] Supremity of male control misunderstood, [p. 195]; [§ 143] Objection answered, [p. 196]; [§ 144] Interplay of control on egoistic-social level, [p. 197]; [§ 145] Fallacy of erotic control by woman, [p. 198]; [§ 146] Prolongation of love episode, [p. 201]; [§ 147] Failure of illicit unerotic sex act to relax erotic tension, [p. 203]; [§ 148] Development of husband imperative, [p. 205]; [§ 149] Precipitancy caused by fear, [p. 206]; [§ 150] Woman’s instinctive attempt to accelerate, [p. 209]; [§ 151] Her unconscious man-testing, [p. 211]; [§ 152] The wrong instinctive reaction of the husband to the test, [p. 212]; [§ 153] Man should know what to expect, [p. 214]; [§ 154] Responsibility vs. Fate, [p. 216]; [§ 155] The husband’s hallucination, [p. 217]; [§ 156] The solitariness of crowds, [p. 219]; [§ 157] The wife’s unavoidable resistance, [p. 221]; [§ 158] Bride buried under stones, [p. 222]; [§ 159] The only truly virile accomplishment, [p. 224]; [§ 160] The husband’s anesthesia, [p. 224]; [§ 161] Metonymy, the part for the whole, [p. 225]; [§ 162] Phantasy, [p. 226]; [§ 163] Control through imagination, [p. 228]; [§ 164] A score of sense qualities, [p. 229]; [§ 165] Manner of mental influence, [p. 231]; [§ 166] The work of the mental pattern, [p. 231]; [§ 167] Need of a love pattern, [p. 232]; [§ 168] Completing the fragmentary wife, [p. 233]; [§ 169] More vividness for women, [p. 234].
VII.	The Unhappy Marriage	[236]
	[§ 170] Overweighting physical or spiritual, [p. 236]; [§ 171] Feeling of identity, [p. 237]; [§ 172] Erotic control only a part, [p. 239]; [§ 173] Long engagements unnecessary, [p. 239]; [§ 174] Changing adaptation needed, [p. 240]; [§ 175] Love cannot be delegated, [p. 241]; [§ 176] Unconscious polyandry, [p. 242]; [§ 177] Masochism, [p. 243]; [§ 178] Illicit love enhances erotic element for some women, [p. 245]; [§ 179] Freud on promiscuous men, [p. 246]; [§ 180] Erotism not masochistic, [p. 247]; [§ 181] Jealousy in men and women, [p. 248]; [§ 182] Mrs. Samuel Pepys, [p. 249]; [§ 183] Jealousy atavistic, [p. 250]; [§ 184] Jealousy and homosexuality, [p. 251]; [§ 185] Hyposomatic sex is not true erotism, [p. 253]; [§ 186] Résumé of Chapters I to VII, [p. 255].
VIII.	Hologamy vs. Prostitution	[259]
	[§ 187] Hologamy defined, [p. 259]; [§ 188] Erotic as manned and womaned, [p. 260]; [§ 189] Comparative monogamy, [p. 262]; [§ 190] Health demands unity of personality, [p. 263]; [§ 191] Plurality of women a dissociating element, [p. 264]; [§ 192] Plurality as a search, [p. 267]; [§ 193] Prostitution, [p. 268]; [§ 194] Two castes of women, [p. 269]; [§ 195] The mother-imago or angel imago, [p. 271]; [§ 196] More passion needed in marriage, [p. 272]; [§ 197] Futility of prohibition, [p. 273]; [§ 198] Ellis’ “civilization value of prostitution” answered, [p. 274].
IX.	The New Marriage	[276]
	[§ 199] Two meanings of “single standard,” [p. 276]; [§ 200] What constitutes mastery, [p. 277]; [§ 201] Disappointments in marriage, [p. 279]; [§ 202] The father’s part in the home, [p. 280]; [§ 203] An illustration, [p. 283]; [§ 204] Management of children an egoistic-social activity, [p. 284]; [§ 204] New man and new woman not to confuse egoistic-social and erotic levels, [p. 286]; [§ 206] Prodigality of nature, [p. 287]; [§ 207] Trial marriage and romantic marriage, [p. 289]; [§ 208] Rapport, [p. 290]; [§ 209] Erotic unions, [p. 292]; [§ 210] Virginity, [p. 292]; [§ 211] Unconscious resentment of bride, [p. 293]; [§ 212] Futility of extra-marital liaisons, [p. 294]; [§ 213] Conclusion, [p. 297].
X.	Birth Control	[298]
	[§ 214] Ready to print but cannot legally be printed, [p. 298].
	Index	[301]

CONTENTS