§ 153
A man cannot feel what isn’t there without phantasying up to the point of hallucination. But what isn’t there is simply what he hasn’t put there in the way of response to appropriate action on his own part. He cannot put it there if he is mentally autoerotic. ([§ 112]).
He must know in advance what to expect, and what is the necessary expression of woman’s erotic feelings. If he does not, he is doomed to surprise of an unpleasant character; for he will either be disappointed when he finds that his wife’s reactions are not up to his narrowly limited pattern or he will be embarrassed by a too great gush of feeling on her part and an arousal of passion so tremendous that he does not know how to handle it.
This embarrassment is related to a certain type of mild disgust or aversion felt by men to whom some women make advances not considered truly feminine by the men. This does not refer to the brazen self-assertiveness of the prostitute which is by most men clearly recognized as egoistic-social. It refers to a truly erotic abandon sometimes seen in a woman who absolutely throws herself upon the man that has inspired her fancy. This attitude makes impossible for some men the satisfaction of victory or conquest.
This too great abandon on the woman’s part evokes in such a man the thought either that she is sexually more potent than he (an erotic reaction in no way connected with egoistic-social impulses); or that her own environment has been such as to bring out this expression in her. If she has been brought up in a family where love needs are frankly recognized, their wholesomeness will make her much more responsive, at once, to her husband’s love.
Naturally he will be neither embarrassed nor dismayed, if he has himself been trained to believe that his capacity for woman’s love is, if fully developed, as great as or greater than any woman’s could be. If he was thus well oriented, he would be pleased rather than otherwise to be relieved of the task of removing love’s inhibitions from his wife.