§ 172
Most emphatically this does not mean that the control here referred to is all there is to a perfect marriage. It has been reiterated that the erotic control is only the foundation, but important as all foundations are. The erotic control leads not only to the maximum egoistic-social freedom, but to the greatest possible development of each of the partners’ distinctive personality.
The love confidence gained by the establishment of the one-way control in the erotic sphere only opens the windows of the house of love to the invigorating air of the outdoor world.
The unhappily married are unhappy because each is watching the other continually, devoting to this conscious and unconscious surveillance so much energy that either they have none left for the development of the properly subordinated egoistic-social interests or they lose so much energy in the unconscious conflict that they tend to become neurotic.
The unhappy married ones’ lack of love confidence is the most deeply gnawing care known to human misery. No egoistic-social interest of either but is regarded by the other as drawing him or her away.