§ 177
There is, as Krafft-Ebing argues, a natural “sexual subjection” of woman (i.e., “women are naturally masochistic”). Saying that the essence of femininity is to be erotically led, does not mean that women are naturally masochistic. In no sense does being led, in the purely erotic or love impulse aspect of the marital relation, imply masochism. Only, however, when the ego impulse is so strong as to need much sacrifice in the love episode can really masochistic feelings occur in the wife; and in the husband only when he uses the love episode as an egoistic act, by which he is to compete with other men in the favour of his wife.
If that jealous stage occur, it is a condition where the full expression of the love instinct itself is diminished in favour of the other. The even momentary thought that his wife could be given a more thorough relaxation in the purely erotic sphere by another than himself, a more perfect consummation than perfection itself, which he has induced in her, is a thought that is in itself masochistic and least likely to occur to either of a thoroughly married pair.
The idea of masochism as an element in marriage is worthy of consideration only because it is the ruling motive of the wife in those unions where the husband has not assumed control of the emotional situation and the wife has been so well trained in the Christian duty of self-sacrifice as to believe that she must suffer—truly a humiliating thought for the husband if he happens to be a man. He thus vicariously suffers from his own ignorance.
Masochism, the tendency to gain pleasure from the pain another inflicts on oneself, is a natural phenomenon at a certain stage of pre-synthetic childish erotic development; and, in all normally developed persons, is outgrown. Indeed, a woman,—and a fortiori, a man, who retains any great masochistic element in his love life—is, in that respect alone, a child and not an adult, and incapable of adult love until that tendency is removed.
But it persists more frequently in women, and constitutes a part of the sexual inhibition already referred to. It is a tendency about which all young husbands should be warned in advance. They are not to allow their wives for an instant to have any reason to infer that the wife’s marital “duty” is to sacrifice herself or any part of herself to the physical or mental pleasure of her husband. The eradication of this idea can be begun by the man long before engagement, in spheres of activity quite far from the sexual, and should be steadily and consistently carried on. He should never ask her to do anything “for him,” especially not anything to which she may have expressed any unwillingness, not to say repugnance, herself. He should see to it that he gets his pleasure from the knowledge that what he does is most likely to be gratifying to her. This is, of course, the attitude of the real man.
A girl should be instructed enough not to be impressed by the mental autoerotism of “lounge lizards” who are feeding their own erotic phantasies by sight and touch of her. They are more than likely to become mentally autoerotic husbands.
While on the topic of masochism it is necessary to warn all young women that in no sense is self-sacrifice the object of a healthy marriage. The self-sacrifice which is so lauded in theologies is a sacrifice of egoistic impulse gratification. In the face of a great erotic exaltation there can be no such thing as a thought of sacrifice. No woman really in love can perceive anything but gain in really erotic action, for if she knows herself she realizes that her strongest impulses are those of Eros.