CANTO III

SILENCE for some short time ensu'd,
Ere conversation was renew'd.
—Sir Jeff'ry first strok'd down his chin,
With something 'twixt a yawn and grin,
And then thought proper to begin.		}

"By a great writer it is said,

And one who seldom was betray'd,

When he employ'd his tongue or pen

On the known characters of men:

(And if, perchance, I'm not mistaken,

I think his famous name was Bacon,)

That in the changeful scenes of life,

Which raise up enmity and strife,

He may 'gainst others hold his head,

Nor the wide world's opinion dread,

If, though he almost stands alone,

An honest heart maintains its own:

But that he is an arrant fool

Who yields to his own ridicule.

Now such a fool, as we have seen,

Quæ Genus, from weak pride, has been:

But, though I wonder at his folly,

I will not make him melancholy.

"Things at the worst, 'tis said, must mend,
And I will prove your real friend,
If you, hereafter, have the sense
To merit my full confidence:
And now, I think, you may prepare
To take my household to your care.
Your pride must not offended be
At putting on a livery,
As that will be the best disguise
To hide you from all prying eyes;
Quæ Genus, too, you now must yield,
That learned name should be conceal'd;
Ezekiel will suspicion smother,
As well, I think, as any other,
Till I have due enquiry made
If Gripe-all be alive or dead,
And how far I may recommend
The runaway to Doctor Bend.
Do what is right—and laugh at fear;
The mark you carry in your rear
Will never intercept the view
Fortune may have in store for you.
No more let vanity resent
The stroke by which your form is bent!
How many in the world's wide range
Would willingly their figures change
For such as yours, and give their wealth
To get your hump and all its health.
Look at my legs—my stomach see,
And tell me, would you change with me?
Nay, when your healthy form I view,
Though all be-hump'd, I'd change with you,
And give you half my fortune too.		}
Lament no more your loss of beauty,
But give your thoughts to do that duty
Which my peculiar wants require,
And more you need not to desire.
I feel I cannot pay too high
For care and for fidelity:
Let me see that—my heart engages
To give you something more than wages
—Your duties will be found to vary,
As Steward, Nurse, and Secretary:
Thus you will soon my wants attend
Less as a servant than a friend.
You may suppose I little know
Of what is going on below;
My leading wishes are, to prove
That I am duly serv'd above,
And you, as may be daily seen,
Must play the active game between."

in the sports of the kitchen

Drawn by Rowlandson

Quæ Genus, in the Sports of the Kitchen.

More pass'd, that needs not our repeating,

About the mystery of eating,

Which did these sage instructions close,

When good Sir Jeff'ry 'gan to doze:

And, soon as he more soundly slept,

Downstairs Ezekiel cautious crept,

(For by that name he now is known,

As fate has chang'd it for his own,)

To let th' expecting folk below

The nature of his office know.

To ev'ry man he gave his fist,—

The females, too, he warmly kiss'd;

Then to th' assembled kitchen spoke,

But not as if he thought a joke,

Or in a hypocritic glee,

But with a smiling gravity.

"Sir Jeff'ry's household int'rests are

Committed to my faithful care;

And I must hope we all agree

To serve him with fidelity."

To this they all, in order due,

Gave their assent—and bound it too

By words which each one, in their station,

Gave as a solemn declaration.

The cook and housekeeper began,

And thus her red rag glibly ran;

While, from her knee unto her chin,

She wav'd the floured rolling pin.

"O, may the kettle never boil,

May butter always turn to oil,

And may the jack, the chimney's boast,

From time to time despoil the roast!

May soot fall on the ready stew,

And the cat lick the rich ragout!

May China dish with pie to bake,

While I am speaking, may it crack,

If I e'er took the offer'd bribe

From any of the market tribe,

Or e'er disgrac'd the name of cook

To falsify the kitchen book;

Nay, if I have touch'd or taken,

For my own use, one slice of bacon;

If ever I were such a sinner,

May I now spoil Sir Jeff'ry's dinner;

And should I suffer such disgrace,

I instantly should lose my place!"