DREADFUL CASE OF AGRICULTURAL DISTRESS.
The state of the British Farmer is growing desperate. Unless something is done quickly, they will ere long become mere men of straw. As it is, the distress prevalent in the different counties has nearly reached its climax. The farmers are so tied down in Notts that scarcely any of them have tasted Champagne for the last six months. There isn't a man in Beds that dreams of hunting more than twice a-week, and Oxon, nearly mad from being driven so hard, has scarcely a dozen families in which the French language is spoken.
The great question of what will become of the British Farmer has been in part answered by Mr. Hiceter, who has become—insolvent. It appears that gentleman has for some time expected the Ploughshare of Distress to cut up his hearth, and the Harrow of affliction to dig its teeth and nails into the bosom of his family. This he has long anticipated, on account of his not having paid any rent for the last two years—indeed from the fact of farming seldom paying, Mr. Hiceter had long since learned to look upon the agricultural business as an extensive field for hoeing (owing). Mr. Hiceter complains that he has suffered much from his kidneys, which have been diseased for these last two years. His barley, he says, has run to nothing but beard. His ears, however, have been remarkably long; still, his corn has been so bad of late, that it has been as much as he could do to hobble on for this long time. Two large fields of Mangel Wurzel have been swallowed up by a Native de Paris, whom he engaged to perfect his daughters in the French tongue; and the whole of his six acres of canary seed have gone to teach the girls singing.
The sympathy of the country for miles round has been raised on behalf of the Misses Hiceter. Their accomplishments are such that if they were not born, at least they have been bred ladies of quality. In the midst of their sorrows they find great comfort in the use of the globes. They do not complain, but pass their time singing Italian duets, and they have already worked several superb ottomans. Their extreme repugnance to the disgustingly early hours, and vulgar laborious offices of a farm life, completely reconciles them to their present condition of having nothing to do. They also feel great consolation in knowing that in future they will be able to appear every evening in "low-necked dresses," without being pointed at by the ploughboys, and to dine at the much more civilized hour of seven, without being called proud by the Goodies.
In their prosperity it was ever the object of the Misses Hiceter to ennoble and refine the low manners and customs of the British Farmer. It was through their exertions that their brother, Mr. Albert Hiceter, was induced to wear a diamond ring and yellow kid gloves whilst guiding the plough. Whistling at the plough was also strictly forbidden by them among the farm servants, and white berlin gloves and meerschaum pipes rigorously insisted upon.
It is very gratifying to learn that these two young ladies have made up their minds to marry only persons of independent fortune and title, and to leave their papa as soon as they conveniently can, unless he consents to forego his filthy clay pipe before company.
We subjoin a few of the lots and purchasers at the late sale:—
Lot 5.—A capital Guernsey Cow; a first-rate Spanish Guitar; two Breeding Sows; and a lovely Chalk drawing of a "Brigand," by Miss Victoria Hiceter.—(Bought for £22 10 0 by Ensign Namby, whose features bore a great resemblance to those of the Brigand.)
Lot 8.—Thirty sacks of prime Potatoes (Early Yorks); a patent Rat-trap; a splendid Embroidered Cat; Wheelbarrow, never used; four ropes of strong Onions; six dozen of the best French Cambric Pocket Handkerchiefs; and a binocular Opera Glass.—(Sold very cheap to a Gin Spinner of the name of Baylis.)
Lot 22.—Capital Set first-rate Harness; several Embroidered Collars; sixteen Hay Forks; three rows lovely Imitation Pearls; two bushels of Buckwheat; nearly a peck of dirty White Kid Gloves (warranted cleaned only twice); and a bunch of handsome False Ringlets.—(Purchased by the Rev. G. Hodder, who complained that some of the Kid Gloves would not bear cleaning again.)
Lot 36.—Two pair of magnificent Top-boots; half an acre of fine Turnips; one quart of Lavender Water; a sack of Oats; a dozen plump Geese; six new Ostrich Feathers; and a bundle of blue Veils.—(Sold to Mrs. Glyde of the Rookery.)
Lot 54.—Magnificent Stuffed Spaniel (King Charles's breed); eight good Spades; ditto Pitchforks; two beautiful Fancy Dresses (one Circassian Slave, and one Mary Queen of Scots); several Vols. Italian Duets; splendidly bound Family Bible (not much used); large Garden Roller; and six loads strong Manure.—(Knocked down to Lady Guy Tomlins, who had brought her carriage to take them with her.)
BREACH OF PROMISE.
Ogles v. Winkin.
On the day appointed for the trial of the wretched man Mike Winkin, the rush of ladies was so terrific that, we regret to state, several highly respectable females met with severe accidents. Mrs. de Smythe Smith had her bonnet completely crushed, and her body literally torn from her. She was carried to a shop in the neighbourhood, where her head was immediately dressed; her body, however, was found to be so injured that it was thought advisable to take it off. Miss Beeves, we are sorry to say, also lost both her legs, they having been taken from under her in the scuffle.
The greatest praise is due to Mrs. Inspector Dakin of the T division, who kept up a constant and strong supply of that body.
At ten o'clock Mrs. Serjeant Blubag took her seat on the fauteuil. She was attired in a robe of poult-de-soie rose, trimmed with peau de lapin blanc garnie de demi queue de chat noir, and with her hair au cactus. On the "devotionals" beside her were seated the Misses Justice, Tracts, and Gruel.
The prisoner on being brought in was assailed with cries of "You brute! Oh, you brute!" which drowned the call of Miss Asthma the usher, for "Silence, my dears! Pray, silence, my dears!"
Miss Wartz, Q.C., the celebrated authoress of the "Trials of Women," assisted by fifteen other ladies, appeared for the prosecution; and, having laid down a lovely pair of braces that she had been engaged in working, opened the case by saying that—
In the whole of her born days she had never heard of such a downright cruel affair.
Ever since she had worn a filthy disgusting wig that covered her "seat of reason" with horse-hair.
What on earth had come to the gentlemen lately was really more than she could say.
But men's suits now-a-days were so plentiful that it was the third time she had appeared in breeches that day.
Really, marriage was made such game of now-a-days, that, terrible to tell! Hymen had completely extinguished his torch; for, as he said, "le jeu ne vaut pas la chandelle." (Great confusion and cries of "Silence, my dears! Pray, pray, my dears! let us have silence.")
The plaintiff in this case is a very good young woman, in the prime of life, and the pastrycook line;
Whose manners are lovely, morals excellent, character superb, and eel pies divine.
Early each morning defendant would seek out her shop, and stop there the whole of the day.
Paying, the great big silly, nothing but compliments for emptying the whole of the stale-tart tray.
But his promises proved only pie-crust; for he suddenly left her to make love to a cook-shop next door.
After having sworn the fondest devotion, and lived on her eel pies for a good six months or more.
And now he sends her a nasty impudent letter, saying, carrots are things he cannot a-bear;
Though, as the poor fond dear said, she was ready to dye for his sake, the very moment she heard he didn't like nice warm auburn hair.
Mrs. Sniggles was called as witness. She objected to say how old she was. Might be forty—might be twenty. On her oath, she wasn't sixty. Would swear she wasn't fifty-nine. Was perfectly well aware of the consequences of perjury; and yet would persist in affirming that she had not reached her fifty-eighth year. Objected to answer any more questions as to age. (Objection allowed.) Knew plaintiff. Had called to see her, and found the poor thing fainting. She came to a little when the chemist's young man tickled her. Plaintiff hadn't eaten enough to lie on a fourpenny-piece ever since. Wouldn't swear to a fourpenny-piece.
At this point of the case, the forewoman of the jury stated to her Honour that their minds were perfectly made up as to the guilt of the prisoner: whereupon Mrs. Serjeant Blubag proceeded to put on the black cap. It was of crêpe noir, splendidly trimmed with artificial flowers of rosemary and rue, and had a very distingué and solemn effect. Her Honour dwelt for a considerable time on the wretched man's impudent expression of countenance, asking him in a most impressive manner where he expected he would go to, and concluded by sentencing him to marriage and hard labour for the remainder of his days, as hanging was too good for him.
The defendant was then removed in the custody of Mrs. Twentystone, the turnkey, and an old maiden lady of a serious turn of mind was immediately sent for, to prepare the man for his wretched doom.
A REGULAR POSER.