THE TRADE WIND GENERATOR.
A very civil engineer, residing in Liverpool, has favoured us with his plan for raising whatever winds may be necessary to ships, for the purpose of commerce. His idea is, to fix a colossal pair of double-action bellows, worked by steam power, at the stern of every ship, which, being put in action, will blow directly on the sails, and propel the vessel in any given direction. This entirely precludes the chance of a ship ever becoming becalmed. He candidly tells us that he cannot claim the entire credit of the invention; and he can remember the late Mr. Joseph Grimaldi working something to the same effect in a pantomime, when he was a child; but the boat being made in this instance of a washing-tub, and rigged with a mop stolen for that purpose from an itinerant vendor, no clear notion could be formed of its power.
THE ZODIAC—APRIL.
BULL IN THE PRINTING OFFICE.
By W. Wordsworth, Poet Laureate.
Oh! Bull, strong labourer, much enduring beast,
That with broad back, and sinewy shoulder strung,
Draggest the heavy wain of taxes, flung
In growing heap, from thy poor brethren fleeced.
Hadst thou a literary sense of shame,
How wouldst thou crush, and toss, and rend, and gore
The printing press, and hands that work therefore,
For the sad trash that issues from the same.
If they would print no other works than mine,
The task were nobler; but, alas, in vain,
Of audience few and unfit I complain,
Bull wont believe in Southey's verse and mine.
Arouse thee, John, involve in general doom
All who bid Wordsworth rise for Byron to make room.
THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND
IN APRIL.
Be very cautious, on the 1st, of attending to gratuitous advice given in the street, respecting your pocket-handkerchief, straps, or coat-tails. Mistrust everything and everybody until midnight, if you would escape being laughed at.
The month of April is showery, therefore get an umbrella; but remember, that whilst it is fine, a cotton one at half-a-crown looks as well in an oilskin case as a silk one at a guinea; and that when it is wet, nobody cares what you have, never stopping to look.
That you must renew your acquaintance with all sorts of editors to get orders to the Opera, and thus move in the great world at a small outlay. N.B.—Gloves worn the evening before at a party are sufficiently presentable in the pit.
Angling begins this month, and its professors become all hooks and eyes. If you wish to kill time (and nothing else) sit in a Chertsey or Hampton punt, and wait for barbel.
TAURUS—A literary Bull.
NOVEL CHESS PROBLEM.
NEITHER SIDE TO WIN IN ANY MOVES.
Punch takes the Press, and checks the Albert Hat.
Albert Hat retires, and Punch checks the Queen.
Times' Thunderbolt checks Railway Engine, surrounded by Stags.
Church makes a move towards O'Connell.
Corn League retires one square.
Albert Hat mates the Crown.
MISCELLANEA CURIOSA.
SELECTED FROM THE "MISCELLANIES" OF J. AUBREY, ESQ., CONTAINED IN
THE ASHMOLEAN MUSEUM, AT OXFORD.
Shoes came into Englande with Henry the Fourth his wife, Joan of Navarre. Before that time the nobles did wear dried flat fish, cunningly tied on with thongs of hide. And hence the name of soles as used to this day, and by alle men.
In 1580, a shower of potatoes did fall in Lancashire, at which the husbandmen were sorelie afraid. They were sayde to have been brought from America in a whirlwind, and, being hitherto unknown, became directly common.
The Polka is a measure danced by salvage men and women in Hongrie. Item.—Sir Francis Drake assures me he hath seen it kept up for twenty minutes and more, until the salvages were like to drop; the reason whereof is difficult to tell; but he takes it to be a religious ceremony, as the whirling dervishes in the Indies doe practise.
Tobacco is a plant growing in China on inaccessible mountains, whence it is plucked by people in balloons made of fish-skin, and preserved in red leather bottles underground. Sir Walter Raleigh did use it first. Its vapour inhaled is an admirable narcotic; and one Master Aytoun, deprived of it, did, in its stead, smoke strips of Blackwood's Magazine; but this well nigh coste him his life.
The first drinking glasse used in Englande had no foote whereon to stand (to encourage drinking), but fell alway; and was hence called a tumbler.
A Bristow man, living at Castile, did learn the art of making soap, which he set up here: and straightway upon this it became common to wash one's self twice and thrice in the week. Nay, Mrs. Gregoire, the commissioner his wife, did cleanse her hands, and eke her face each daie. Soe that it was soon the rage; and people before they went to stay with such and such a one would saie to him, "How are you off for soape?" meaning therebye that if he had not good store, they would none of him; and soe went on their way betymes.
I do remember when they did call cats Tomassins, which, being corrupted to Tom, is still in use with the vulgar; but the etymologie thereof I could never learn, save that the word came from Flanders. Item.—My good friend, Mr. Marmy, assures me that he heard them shriek and cry like infants, beneath his chambers; such as could only be frighted by tossing the fire-irons and fender about their ears. But he verilie believes they were devils' imps and familiars. Item.—Mr. Glanville gave him a charm to exorcise them, which is as follows, writ on fayre parchment:—
"Tomassin, tomassine, alabra,
Parlak vak abracadabra."
The which being pronounced, they would frantically take to their heels and scuffle off like mad, to return no more.
To preserve beer from being soured by thunder:—Summa, it is best to drinke it all off before the storm. They doe practise this in Kent with certainty, and other parts of England. This also on the authority of Mr. Glanville.
Men in liquor have droll conceites. 1 knew such a one, being a justice of the peace, who, when tipsie, would take off his peruke to salute the company with obeisance, and then, putting it on a bottle, would sing a song that had neither beginning nor end, but went merrilie on over again: the which he wold never stop until earned awaie to bed. And yet he was well to doe, and a clever man, but lacked prudence.
My Lord Saye his gardener tells me that during the late storm he did track a flash of lightning through a gooseberrie bush, which marvel he had often heard of, but never saw before.
A correspondent inquires, "Why is beer always excluded from the dinner-parties of those who drink it every day when alone?" We pause for a reply.
GEMINI—Odd-fellows.
THE ZODIAC—MAY.
GEMINI.—THE TWINS.
The new explanation which our artist has put forward, of the origin of the term Gemini, so clearly tells its own story, that any further remarks upon the subject from us are unnecessary. The situation of the twins, however, suggests that we should make some allusion to the state of the Clowns of England; on which subject we purpose bringing out a work in the same style as the Wives, Mothers, Queens, and other female facts of the said favoured country.
The progress of burlesques at the various theatres has done much to injure pantomimes; and it is feared the race of Clowns will become extinct, unless, in these days of educational enlightenment, some means are taken to train up fresh ones as the old ones drop off. To this end, we mean to establish a school for infant Clowns, who will be taught practical jokes in classes; and old ladies, shopkeepers, lodging-letters, and little boys, will be provided for them to play off their tricks upon. Proper works will be provided for them to study: and from one of the most elementary, not yet published, we make the following extract; premising that the Clown to a travelling circus is the first step on the ladder of pantomimical perfection:—
CHAPTER FROM
THE MERRYMAN'S MANUAL;
OR, CLOWN'S HANDBOOK OF POPULAR HILARITY.
Chap. II.—How to Collect the Crowd in Front of the Show.
[N.B.—The Performers are to walk about as if they were noble Lords and Ladies. The Manager, as a Venetian of high birth, with a whip in his hand, and the Merryman, stand on the steps.]
Master of the Show. Now, Mr. Merryman, be so good as to tell the company——
Merryman. Yes, sir. (Counts his fingers.) Ten, twenty-eleven, fourteen, two.
Master. What are you doing, sir?
Merryman. I'm telling them, sir.
Master. Nonsense, Mr. Merryman. I mean you are to tell them the nature of the exhibition.
Merryman. That's capital good.
Master. What is capital good, Mr. Merryman?
Merryman. Eggs and bacon.
Master. I did not say eggs and bacon, sir. I said, exhibition. Also, the sports and pastimes—
Merryman. That's better still.
Master. What is better still, Mr. Merryman?
Merryman. Pork and parsnips.
Master. Sports and pastimes, sir (sternly).
Merryman. Now I've got it. Times and passports.
Master (whipping him). Take that, sir!
Merryman. Now keep still, can't you? You'll take all the whicksters off my calves.
Master. Now, Mr. Merryman, inform the company the nature of the performances as exhibited before all the—
Merryman. Exhibited before all the—
Master. Potentates in Europe.
Merryman. Potatoes in Europe. (Confidentially, to the crowd.) That's a lie.
Master (sharply). What did you say, sir?
Merryman. I said, they'd see it all by-and-by.
Master. Dancing on the tight and slack rope—
Merryman. Prancing on the slight and tack rope—
Master. With a variety of ground and lofty tumbling—
Merryman. With a variety of round and crafty grumbling—
Master. Remember the price. Halloo! (Through a speaking trumpet.) Threepence each is all we ask! Servants and working people twopence!
Merryman. Recollect: be in time. All in to begin! Threepence each is all we ask; but we'll take as much more as you like to give us. All in there! all in! [Exeunt company, to re appear in one minute.
This will give a fair notion of the value of the work. In addition to a series of such helps to education, phrases, to be committed to memory, will be hung round the room. These will be principally for the pantomimists, and will consist of sentences like the following:—"Here we are again! how are you?" "Now, don't be a fool!" "Here's somebody coming!" "I saw him do it, sir!" with other similar ones.
The co-operation of all friendly to the interests of the Clowns is earnestly requested to promote the welfare of this institution.