THE TRUE HISTORY OF THE KOH-I-NOOR.
Now for the first time made public, in spite of the most lavish offers
to the Author from Her Majesty's Government.
The Koh-i-noor is made of the very best crown glass, and the workmanship is very superior. It was originally a chandelier ornament in a dancing school kept by a Mr. Fogrum at Ponder's End, about the middle of last century. Mr. Fogrum, however, growing serious, turned his dancing-school into a Newlight chapel, and preached a charity sermon in behalf of himself. That night two rascals determined to rob the chapel of the collection, and accordingly opened the door with a one-pronged fork, and got in. Finding, however, that the collection consisted only of a penny token, a card counter, a penny farthing, and a bad half-crown, one of them, under the impulse of vexation, jerked the half-crown into the air, when it struck down the Koh-i-Noor from the chandelier—the would-be thief putting the bit of glass into his pocket as a memento of the transaction.
The next day William Priggins, for so was he named, enlisted in the H.E.I.C.'s service, and presently joined his regiment, the 007th, at Juggerbadab. Not liking the service, however, he deserted, blacked himself all over, gave up wearing clothes, and set up as a Thug. After doing a good stroke of business in this new line, he was ultimately apprehended by the officers of the Rajah Jibbety-Jibbety, and, to save his life, offered to give up the Koh-i-Noor, which he told the Rajah he had stolen out of a pawnbroker's shop in Whitechapel. The Rajah was at the time in pecuniary difficulties—so much so, as to have serious notions of coming to London and taking a crossing, or singing Hindostanee lyrics, with a tum-tum and his heir-apparent, in the streets. Being a statesman of great acuteness and foresight, however, he saw that something handsome might be made of the Koh-i-Noor, and, in the first place, christened it by that name, it having been formerly called "Bit-o'-Glass". In the Rajah's capital, the city of Huggerymug, resided a jeweller of enormous wealth, called Tiffin Gong. This man the Rajah caused to be summoned before him.
"What is the value of this inestimable diamond?" he demanded, showing him the Koh-i-Noor.
Tiffin Gong made his salaam, and after looking at it, replied, "May the Rajah live for ever, and until the middle of the week after. The value is eighteen pice," which amounts to three farthings English money.
"Tiffin," said the Rajah, "just look again; and then look at this bowstring. Is not the value of that diamond just twenty millions of lacs of rupees?" And he put his hand to his throat, and made a cheerful choking noise with his tongue.
"On second thoughts," said the jeweller, "the value of the diamond is exactly twenty millions of lacs of rupees".
The Rajah ordered in his Durbar or council, who were smoking their pipes, sitting on the door-mats in the lobby, and then before them repeated his question; to which the jeweller, with one eye on the bowstring, returned his second answer.
"You see," said the Rajah, "Tiffin Gong is an excellent judge of jewels. He declares this wonderful gem worth twenty million of lacs; he shall have it for nineteen and a half, which is just as though I had given him a half lac as a present."
Of course the Durbar were in raptures at this liberality, and sung the national anthem, "Bramah save the Rajah!" with the greatest enthusiasm. As for Poor Tiffin Gong, he saw that he was but a departed coon, and turned very nearly white with rage and terror. He had not got exactly nineteen millions and a half of lacs, but he handed over nineteen and a quarter. Upon which the Rajah, holding this to be a breach of engagement, retained the Koh-i-Noor and the rupees too; and when Tiffin Gong complained of being kept hanging about the court trying to get his own, the Rajah said he might try another sort of dangling, and so hanged him literally, and in thorough good earnest.
Being thus undoubted possessor of the jewel, the Rajah ordered the Chroniclers and Keepers of the Records to invent all sorts of stories about the Koh-i-Noor, and to stick them as notes into the next edition of the History of Jiggerydam, his kingdom, all of which was done to admiration, and everybody who did not believe the notes, was beheaded, except a few, who were hanged. The after story of this wonderful jewel may be soon told. The Rajah wore it in his nose, but was speedily made war upon by another Rajah, who was determined to have a grab at the priceless stone. The Rajahs met in single combat, and were found after the battle with only a hand of each remaining, a whisker which could not be identified, and the Koh-i-Noor between them. It then fell into the possession of the Emperor Mahommed Bung, from whom it was taken after fifteen years' war by the celebrated Mahratta chief, Tater Khan. Bung, in fact, had, as a last resource, swallowed the stone, which choked him; but Tater Khan had it out in no time, as he said himself, "by the help of Allah and an oyster knife." The Khan's descendants, who were continually conspiring against each other, and putting arsenic in each other's curry with intent to get possession of the bone, or rather stone, of contention, at length fell into arrears of tribute to their proud landlords, the H.E.I.C., who at last, backed by the Government, put in a distress, seized the Koh-i-Noor, and sent it home; when Mr. Bramah, who is no relation to the idol of that name, made a cage for it, and all the world had lately an opportunity of seeing it. We regret that all the rubs which the Koh-i-Noor has received have failed to heighten its brilliancy, and it is the opinion of those best acquainted with the facts, that the gem is not brighter now than when Mr. Fogrum hung up his chandelier in his dancing-school at Ponder's End.
THE KOH-I-NOOR AS IT APPEARED IN THE CRYSTAL PALACE.
Advice "To those about to marry"——buy—cheap Furniture—