The Spook Ballads

by William Theodore Parkes

BOHEMIANS, HAIL!

The daylight dreams of many a time,

When song, and rhythmic story,

Were tuned, and voiced for Bigot, and in gay Bohemian ears,

Bring welcome wraiths of joyous nights, thro' whirling clouds of glory;

The incense of the social weed, o'er spirit cup that cheers.

With hail! to Cycle speedmen, and the boaters of Dunleary,

Clontarf, and the Harmonic, where we sang with midnight chimes,

The smokers of Conservatives, and Liberal Unions cheery,

I weave regretful tribute to their jovial social times;

For autumn gales of life have blown those festal hours asunder,

And scattered far by land and sea, the steps of many a one,

And some alas! beneath the sod, for evermore gone under,

Have left a rainbow thro' the mist of grief that they have won.

But slantha! to the hearts, and hands, of those who yet remaining,

Do carry down traditions of that bright Bohemian throng,

And slantha! to the soulful sheen, of life-light never waning

From Old Eblana's heaven of her social art, and song.

And here's to all Bohemians, of whatever rank, or station,

Whatever tint, or black or tan, or creed you are by birth,

Sweet voices of the earth's romance, of every land, or nation,

Hail! brothers, in the carnival of music, song, and mirth:

So fill we tankards, or the glass, for draught with lusty cheering,

Of honor to a crowning toast, with greeting heart and hand,

As everlasting goal, for letters, art, and song, and beering,

Hip, hip, hurrah! vive! hoc! and skoal! to Fleet Street and the Strand!

---

[THE GHOSTS OF HAMPTON COURT]

THE following verses, a remarkable supernatural interview is narrated. It is now for the first time launched into publicity, on the authority, and with the approbation of a quaint old friend of mine, Professor Simon Chuffkrust, a savant who has daringly groped his way through certain gloomy mysteries of occult science.

The confidential and impressive manner of Chuffkrust, is jewelled with eyes of sparkling jet, semitoned behind a screen of moonblue spectacles.

His voice is of such convincing suasion, that it is a novel and interesting experience to hear him relate with circumstantial enthusiasm, the ghostly interview afforded him by a fortuitous chance within the interesting grounds of Hampton Court. His is a testimony most reliable, and calculated to establish as a fact the actual presence of supernatural shadows in that historic locality.

It also hints at the necessity, and use, of making the ghost a more familiar study, whereby the belated world would rid itself of much unnecessary fright, consequent on the invariable habit of spasmodically avoiding the familiar advances of the common or bedroom spook.

I

Amidst its mazy precincts I had lost my tourist way,

And while I cogitated, on a seat of carven stone,

I heard beneath an orange tree, an elongated groan!

I crinkled with astonishment, 'twas not a fit of fright,

For loud elastic wailings, I have heard at twelve at night,

The midnight peace disturbing in the lamplit streets below,

But this was uttered in an unfamiliar groan of woe,

And Hampton Court I wot had got some questionable nooks,

In which it harboured spectres, and disreputable spooks,

In which it shrouded headless Queens, and shades of evil Kings

With ill-conditioned titled knaves, in lemans leading strings.

I listened! 'twas a voice that cried as 'twere from out the dust

Of time, that clogged its music, with a husk of mould and rust,

A voice that once as tenor, might have won a slight repute,

But combination now of asthma, whooping cough, and flute.

I sauntered towards the orange tree, and lo! the gloaming thro'

I saw a man in trunk and hose, and silver buckled shoe,

With ruffles and embroidered vest, in wig without a hat,

Inclining to the contour, which is designated fat.

Just then the waxing moonlight bloomed behind, and lifed the stain

Of color thro' him, like a Saint upon a window pane,

I could not spare such noted chance; so stepping from the gloom,

I bowed politely and exclaimed

"A Spectre I presume?"

With glad pathetic wondered look, but still in tones of woe,

He answered thus, "Alack! ah me I am exactly so"

And confidential gleam of hope across his features grew,

Which gave me courage thus to start a social interview.

"I pray of thee to speak, alas! why grims it so with thee?

Some evil canker nips thy peace, divulge thy wrongs to me,

That I may give thee hope, for I am one to sympathize

With manhood's lamentation, as with womanhood, her sighs,

But ha! Mayhap it fits your jest, with elongated groan,

To seek to fright me, as I'm here in Hampton Court alone,

To wreck my spirits as of old has been the game of spook,"

The spectre turned upon me with a sad reproachful look.

And cried, "Alack! that living men, so long have held it good,

To flee from Ghosts, and hence the Ghost is not yet understood,

Now as for me, I moan it not, for jest of idle sport,

My task, it is as murdered Ghost, to haunt in Hampton Court!

I play the victim to a spook, who chucked me down a stair,

Thro' being caught too near my lady's bedroom unaware."

"Poor shade of ill mischance!" I sobbed, the while a wayward tear,

Tricked out along my nose, and lodged upon my tunic here,

"I pray that thou would'st tell me all, withholding ne'er a jot,

For I might do thee service, in some most unlikely spot,"

"O blessed chance!" the Ghost exclaimed, "Thou art the only one

Of all men else, who spoke me so, they always turn and run!

Thou art the first, that I have seen drop sympathetic tears,

Responsive to my moanings, aye for full one hundred years!

And so I feel that I can speak in unreserving tone,

And give thee cause for this alack! my chronic nightly groan!

When I was in my thirties, I engaged to mind the spoons,

Of Colonel Sir John Bouncer, of the Sixty-fifth Dragoons,

And tho' of lowly stature, I am proud I was by half,

More manly than the footman, by step, and chest, and calf.

With frontispiece well favored, in a frame of powdered wig,

I wot amongst the female sex, I joyed a game of tig,

I played the captivating spark, till Colonel Bouncer caught

Me jesting with my Mistress, and he spake with furious haught,

Expressed him his disfavor loud, unto my Lady thus,

"An' thou do not discharge the knave, 'twill cause some future fuss,

The cock-a-dandy bantam, pillory graduate, and scoff

On manhood, give him notice!" but no, she begged me off.

---

It was not long thereafter, an early postman bore

A warrant for the Colonel, to start for Singapore,

He sailed, and in the August, 'twas just ten months away

He stayed, and he was due in town, upon the first of May,

Twas on that ninth of August at twelve o'clock at night,

'Thro Bouncer Hall I wandered, to see that all was right;

And in my course of searching, to check the silver stock,

I chanced upon the key, with which my Lady wound the clock,

A Louis clock she valued, it was on the mantel shelf

In her boudoir, her habit was to wind it up herself,

I brought it to her bedroom, and scratched a single knock,

And asked her through the keyhole, if she had wound the clock.

My words were scarcely uttered, when from another door,

I heard a foot, that should have been that night in Singapore!

I saw an eye, that should have seen that night a foreign shore,

"Ha! Caitiff knave!!" He shouted,

'Twas all I heard, no more,

He collared me by neck, and breech, and swept me off the floor,

And bore me down the corridor,

And hoisting me as light as cork, an act I could not check,

He flung me down the oaken stair, and wanton cracked my neck!

For that he paid the penalty, one day on Tyburn tree,

Alack! it was the sorest deed, the Law could wreak for me

For when it made a Ghost of him, he came, and sought me out,

Where haunting at my Lady's door, I heard the self-same shout,

Of "Caitiff knave!!"

The pity on't! he took me unaware,

Once more by gripping of my breech, and tossed me down the stair!

Night after night he compassed it, nor recked he who was there

But by my crop, and grip of trunks, he bumped me down the stair!

Thus mortified by evil fate, his widow nightly wept,

To hear the periodic row, and scarce a wink she slept;

She daily sought to lay his ghost by penance and by prayer,

And got a brace of saintly monks, to exorcise the scare

With holy water sprinked about, a jot he did not care!

But seized me with a fiercer grip, and jocked me down the stair!

And mocked the frightened monks, who flew, with fringe of standing hair.

At last his widow could not reck his evil conduct there,

She moved to otherwhere.

The only tenants that remained in Bouncer Hall, were rats,

Until 'twas taken down, to build some fashionable flats,

And when the workmen moved the stair, I wot he was cut up,

To see its broken banisters, upon a cart put up.

But vengeance of his hate for me, remained a danger yet,

To find a suitable resort, to work it out he set,

And tapped the telephone, until he heard of that resort;

It is an antient oaken stair, that's here in Hampton Court,

'Twas vacant of a Ghost, I faith, a lobby to be let,

And with some Royal Spook, he had a ghostly compact set,

And then he brought me here to work, his midnight murder yet.

An hour ago, accosting me, says he to me, "Prepare!

Be ready! for once more to-night, I'll crock thee down the stair!

To-night, a cousin German of the noble house of Teck

Will occupy the bedroom, and I'll have to crack thy neck!"

In yonder wing, and up the stairs as high as thou canst go,

There is the bedroom, with a door, of casement rather low,

And if thou stay a night therein, thy sleep might wake for shock,

Of scratching on the door, and keyhole cry, to wind your clock,

And then the shout of

"Caitiff knave!"

And if thou'rt bold and dare,

To peer out on that lobby then, he crocks me down the stair!

And leaves thee shivering in thy shirt, with fright and besomed hair!

I've heard the County Council, for the City weal is rife,

I'd hold it as a favor, if thou'ds't intimate that life

Is perilled on that lobby, and suggest in thy report,

That lifts would be more suitable, than stairs in Hampton Court.

Then with a comprehensive wail of anguish at his fate,

He gradually vanished thro' the grating of a gate,

And left me sorely puzzled, in a sad reflective state,

Then up a creeping tree, and spout, with stern resolve of hate

Compressed within my breast for Bouncer's evil ghost I clomb,

And slipping thro' the window frame with feline caution dumb,

I slid behind a folding screen, and with a craning neck,

I listened for the snoring of the Colonel Van der Teck,

But not a soul had come that night into the room to rest,

There was no cousin German, and the bed was yet unpressed;

A knavish and mendacious trick it was of Bouncer's Ghost,

To crack his butler's neck again, but with some beans and toast,

I picketed behind the door, on eager ear to catch,

The slightest human murmur, thro' the keyhole of the latch,

At last it came! the midnight yet, was booming from a clock,

When lo! a scratching on the door, and half-way thro' the lock,

I heard the question, and with shout, I gave the ghosts a shock,

By springing to the lobby, like a chip of blasting rock!

And bounded twixt the spectres, with the rage of fighting cock,

Then facing Colonel Bouncer's Ghost, "Thou caitiff spook" I cried,

"Was it for this, that Shakespeare wrote, and Colonel Hampden died?

For this! that Cromwell lopped a royal head as traitor knave?

For this! that all his cuirassiers were sworn to pray and shave?

Was it for this we lost a world! when George the Third was king?

For this! that laureates have lived of royal deeds to sing?

For this! the printing press was made, torpedoes, dynamite?

The iron ships, and bullet proof cuirass to scape the fight?

Was it for this! we've wove around the world a social net

Of speaking steel, that thou should'st perpetrate thy murder yet?

Out! out on thee! as traitor of thine oath unto the crown!

By gripping of thy butler, by his breech to jock him down,

Was it for this! that justice wrung thy neck on Tyburn tree,

To expiate the direful debt to justice due by thee?

For this! did Lord Macaulay write "The Lays of Antient Rome?"

For this! did Government send out to bring us Jabez home?

Have we been privileged to pay our swollen rates and tax?

And legislative rights imposed upon the noble's backs?

For this! was England parcelled out amongst the Norman few,

That thou should'st haunt in Hampton Court thy noisome work to do?

For this! is London soaring up, to Babel flights of flats

As cross between a poorhouse, and a prison?—are top hats

Still worn by busmen, beadles, undertakers, men of prayer!

That thou should'st cause the lieges to irradiate their hair,

With horror at thy felon work? paugh! out upon thee! there!

Thou misbegotten sprite! was it for this! we fought and flew,

On many a bloody battle field, right on to Peterloo?

Thou gall embittered martinet! What boots it if thou crack

Thy butler's neck? Unto that lock, he'll still be harking back,

And grow envigorated, by thy ghastly midnight work,

Like shooting of the chutes, or breezing down the switchback jerk!

"Psha! that unto thee!" and I snapped my finger at him "bosh!

Go, give thy vengeful spirit to contrition, for the wash,

And with the soap of keen remorse, erase the stain of blood,

From out thy soul, and straight atone, with deeds of useful good,

Go, croak behind the Marble Arch, or take a flag and stand

In Grosvenor Square, as captain of a hallelujah band,

Do anything, but mockery of murder, in the dark,

Ay even spout in windy speech, from wagons in the park,

Thou thing of misty cobwebine! thou woman frighter go!

And never more be seen again, to make thyself a show.

For children's fears, or if thou would'st a manly vengeance dare,

Pick up this fourteen stone of mine, and jock me down the stair

Thou idiot spook, thou ill-conditioned cloud concocted sprite

With the immortal bard I cry, Avaunt! and quit my sight!"

So fiercely did I thus denounce, his evil midnight trick,

The vigour of the vengeful scowl upon his brow grew sick

With quail of deep abasement, to behold a mortal's blood

On fire, to beard a felon spook, and ghosts were understood,

A transposition of remorse, upon his features came,

Until he shook before me, in an abject wreck of shame,

And cried with tones of keen reproach,

"Adzooks! Alack! Ah me!

Oddsbodikins, well well! heigho! that I should die to see,

My ghost derided, with contempt of scoffing stock from thee!

But of thy clacking caustic tongue, I prithee give no more,

I'll take my passage by a breeze, to-night for Singapore,

Or anywhere the wind may blow, Japan! or Timbuctoo!

To rid me of thy clapper jaw, a flout on thee! Adieu!"

He then evaporated, and with some pride embued,

I turned, for an expression of the butler's gratitude,

But he was gone! and from his place, with india rubber shoe,

A lamp was flashed upon my face, by number 90, Q,

They're never where they're wanted, and that blue, belted elf,

Did hail me up for trespass, and for shouting to myself!

---

[YE FILIAL SACRAFICE]

H

Unto his child spak he,

"Thou art not wise in this my son,

To court with Susan Lee,

A Mayde, ye least that's prattled of,

Ye safer for her fame,

Bethink thee, thou art Jabez Gray,

Respect thy Sire, his name!

"Ye reputation of ye Mayde,

Is dewdrop to ye root

Of wedded life, that canks ye blight,

Or ripes ye wholesome fruit,

Then part thee boy, from Susan Lee,

Her ways and lightsome game,

As Jabez Gray, behave thee well,

Respect thy Sire, his name!"

Ah! well a day, for Jabez Gray,

O wallow was his woe,

It stung his heart with pain and rue,

That Mayden Lee should go,

Alack! Ah! me, that such should be,

But compensation came,

For he was true, as Jabez Gray,

Unto his Sire, his name.

He gave unto ye Mayde, ye sore,

And sorry last farewell,

Ye pang unto his crinkled heart,

Was gall of woe to tell!

But from his conscience, filial faith,

With healing balsam came

His heart unto, for he was true,

Unto his Sire, his name.

O then 'twas his, 'twas Jabez Gray's

Reward and recompense,

To hear his Sire bespeake ye Mayde,

In fond and future tense,

He pry'd it in ye dark of night,

Beyond ye garden gate,

"I'll wed thee Sue, myself, to save

Thy name from evil prate."

He heard ye Sire bespeak ye Mayde,

In tender guise, ye same,

As he did plead, before ye split,

To save ye Sire, his name.

He heard ye Parent, tell to Sue,

Ye lack of manly sense,

Of him, ye son, and with ye kiss,

He spake in future tense.

Ye little month did pass, and then,

Ye Parent wed ye Mayde,

And this, ye counsel to ye son,

In confidence he say'd,

"Ye Spinster Sue is now ye Wife,

Of fair and goodly fame,

Be duteous to her, as ye son

Respect thy Sire, his name!"

---

[MADAM STIFFIN'S GHOST]

IN BURTON Crescent, on the semi-circle apex there,

I lodged some little period up a six flight four foot stair,

It came about by freak of chance, 'twas in a cul-de-sac,

I found myself one morning, and compelled to tramp it back,

Whilst blessing gates of London town that bar the traffic yet,

I saw a window label, lettered, "lodgings to be let,"

A gloomy habitation 'twas, to give the nerves the creep!

But possibly a comfortable roosting place to sleep,

Of knockers on its oaken door, it bore a double stock,

I took those knockers, and I struck duet of double knock,

And just as I was rounding off my rallantando din,

The door was gently opened and a lady cried "Come in!"

I must confess, I fluttered with a flick of some surprise,

To see a lady so petite, and with such piercing eyes,

An artificial bloom was on her cheek, and nose, and neck,

Her gown was of a quaint brocade in antique floral check.

By transmutating hand of time, and his assistant care,

The golden sheen to silver light was paling thro' her hair,

And from the dentistry of art, that crowned her rippled chin,

She greeted me with pearly smile, the moment I stepped in.

I noted on her fingers small, some antique diamond rings,

And in her slippers russet brown, she tripped as 'twere on springs,

A dainty wrap, completed her little quaintly self,

She seemed a living Watteau, that stepped from off a shelf.

She seemed a living Watteau, from out a canvas sprung,

She wasn't—no, she wasn't—well you could not call her young.

She greeted me upsmiling, with business kindled fire,

And volunteered the question,

"What rooms do you require?"

It wasn't my intention, to move upon that day,

My humor was to dawdle, in idle sort of way,

So left it to her option, if twenty rooms or one,

In earth upon the basement, or garret near the sun.

She showed her approbation of my eccentric style,

And greeted me politely, with confidential smile,

"I have a room, the lodger is yet remaining there,

But leaving soon—I'll show it, if you will step the stair.—

She mounted up before me, her little cloak, like wings,

Did supplement her flexor, and her extensor springs,

She paused upon each lobby, to note the pleasing scene,

Of leaves amongst the chimneys, that lent a tint of green.

The sanitary question, she settled with some pains,

Explained, the County Council had just been down the drains,

And thus discussing features, and questions to be met,

We landed on the landing of lodging to be let.

Upon the door with knuckle she struck a low rum-tin,

And tardily was answered by husky voice "Come in."

To purpose of her visit, he gave a mild assent,

Which somewhat indicated a debt of backward rent.

We entered the apartment, and gaunt, and wan, and scared!

From tangle of the blankets, blear-eyed, and towsel-haired,

A moment rose the lodger, then underneath the clothes,

He snapped himself like oyster, and only left his nose.

I took a swift synopsis, again we stepped the stair,

She bowed me to her parlour, and all around me there,

Were virtue objects, suited for curioso sale,

Art of the reign of Louis, and good old Chippendale,

Cameo ware of Wedgewood, and Worcester bric-a-brac,

Miniatures of beauties, and oriental lac,

A cabinet and tables, in marquetry of buhl,

And feminine arrangements, of bombazine and tulle.

Old mezzotint engravings of Regent, buck and lord,

Between the window curtains, an agèd harpsichord.—

The instrument she fingered, and sang an olden rune,

She sang with taste, but slightly, the strings were out of tune,

She warbled of the Regent, of Sheridan and Burke,

Buck Nash, and of Beau Brummel, and of the fatal work,

Enacted in a duel, then struck a broken string,

And with a sigh she faltered, and then she ceased to sing.

I told her, composition of song, was in my line,

Then, with a look intended as tender and divine,

And mode of days of Brummel, in manner and in style,

She lauded up the bedroom with captivating smile,

Electro-biologic, magnetic in her glance,

She fixed me like a medium, as tenant in advance!

---

I entered occupation, as soon as I could get,

And everything in order, was for my comfort set,

The room was daily garnished, and swept, my bed was made,

In this was comprehended the lot for which I paid,

My daily mastication, in public grill was frayed,

Monotonous, and easy, with quiet self-content,

I went and came in silence, in silence came and went,

Was no domestic welcome when I came in, not one!

And in the morning ditto, till I was up and gone.

No sound of brush or bucket! no jar of door, or delph!

No foot upon the stairs, except the pair I have myself!

No smutty wench to greet me with cloud of dusty mat!

No snarl of vicious lap dog, or hiss of humping cat!

No slavey whiting up the steps, did ever strike my sight!

Yet everything was fixed for me, when I came home at night!

But often on my pillow, when darkness was my ward,

I heard the muffled numbers of distant harpsichord!

I heard a plaintive ballad, to measured cadence set,

Of long ago, that sounded for lordly minuet!

In wierdly notes it fluttered and lingered on the wing,

With wailing for the duel! the sigh! and broken string!

---

But once when I was taking a smoking circumflex,

Around the Burton Crescent, and just at its apex,

I heard a voice behind me, that put me on some toast,

"Look! there's the man, that's living with Madame Stiffin's Ghost!"

I turned, and in the lamplight, distinctly I could see,

A woman's dexter finger, was indicating me!

"He's living as a lodger, above the second floor

Of yonder house, that's haunted, with double-knockered door,

Look! isn't he a cough-drop? it's only such a scare,

Would live in such a lodging, with Madam Stiffin there!"

I never felt so worried at anything before!

Could scarcely find the keyhole of double-knockered door,

And up the stairs I tottered, as in a walking trance,

Next morning, she'd be coming for payment in advance,

Next morning, at the striking of twelve upon the clock,

I started from my slumber, it was her double knock!

I jumped up at the summons, and leaping out of bed,

I answered, and she entered, and unto her I said,

"I'm here thro' false pretences; I understand you're dead!"

A peal of mocking laughter, the little Watteau shook,

And with her arms akimbo, an attitude she struck,

She made an accusation of drink, and with a glance

Of keen reproach, demanded, her payment in advance!

I had already promised myself, that none should boast,

Of knowing me in future, as tenant of a ghost,

So got my cash, pretending to settle there, and then,

And just as she was lifting my eagle pointed pen,

Said I "Perhaps you'll give me receipt for also this?"

With that I would have tested her presence with a kiss!

I think my arm went thro' her, of that I can't be sure,

But with the table circuit, she took the bedroom door,

I took it quite as quick, and abreviated sight,

I caught of her next landing, and on her hasty flight,

From lobby down to lobby I chased her like a hare,

I tracked her to the kitchen, but lo! she wasn't there!

I flew into the area, back up the stairs I flew,

In drawing-room and parlour, in every bedroom too,

To overtake and seize her, with skidding foot I sped,

And under every sofa, and under every bed,

I searched,—it was a marvel!—exploited every flue,

Unlocked a couple of wardrobes and looked them thro' and thro',

Until in all its horror, the grim conviction grew,

I had in fact been lodging unconscious with a spook!

I rushed to get my waistcoat, pants, traps, and took my hook!

---

[SONNET ON PARTING]

H

On incognito scale,

With cautious care, and reck,

Of varied tricks of art.

For he had made a bag,

Of most extensive swag,

From bank where he was sec.,

And didn't want to part.

But story of his trick,

By telegraphic tick,

Brought him to book, and check,

It gave him quite a start,

He had it by a neck,

'Twas rough to have to part!

---

[HIS BOUQUET]

HAS been proved by more than one observant social Philosopher, that the impressionable star gazer of the Music Halls is one who often scatters rose leaves, and harvests thorns; let us hear what Muffkin Moonhead has to sing, concerning his own experience.

I

Her photo I declare,

To wear,

With care

Of uttermost esteem,

In pocket of my breast,

That picture lay at rest,

And blest,

With zest,

That fluttered thro' my dream;

My dream of love, where she

Was posed, in extacy,

Of gay phantasmagoria,

Of beauty unto me.

Ten other bobs, I pay,

For hothouse plant bouquet,

When she,

On tree,

Of pantomimic treat

In semi-raiment stood,

As geni of the good,

I could,

And would,

Down cast them at her feet.

The feet of love where she

Was posed, in extacy,

Of bright phantasmagoria,

Of beauty unto me!

I took a numbered seat,

In stall select, and neat,

To treat

My sweet!

And when she did appear,

I flung the flow'rs I wis,

She took them, and with this,

O bliss

A kiss!

That thrilled me, while the cheer

Of gods applaudingly,

Did greet with storm of glee,

The loved phantasmagoria

Of beauty unto me!

Sweet osculating scene

Of bouquet, and my queen,

And smug

Chaste hug,

Of posies to her nose,

As poising on her toe,

And then subsiding low,

A glow

Flushed so,

On my cheek, like a rose,

The while she bowed the knee,

Then skipped away O.P.,

That lithe phantasmagoria,

Of beauty unto me!

---

I waited by the door,

Classic door! out they pour,

A score,

Or more,

Escorting her, I say!

And ha! may I be blest,

Upon each jerkin breast,

Confest,

Were drest,

The buds of my bouquet!

Said she to me "ta ta!

Go home to your mamma!"

It wrought the rude evanishment

Of love of her from me!

The moral it is this,

Don't dally with such bliss,

A miss,

Is kiss

Unto thee from the play,

A kiss for gods, and stall,

The pit, and tier, on all

To fall

And small

The fig, for your bouquet,

When it has brought the balm,

Of the applauding palm,

She shares it with the supers, and

She gives the chill to thee!

---

[THE GIRL OF CASTLEBAR]

T HE sun was setting in a gloam of purple and gold, as I basked in the grass on the Staball hill one autumn evening, the stirring tuck of the tattoo rolled up the slope from the adjacent barracks; it affected me like a tonic, my blood circulated quicker, the spirit of an amateur ghostly seer took possession of me! I felt as one inspired.

A scene of early days of Anglo-foreign strife rose before me like a wraith of second sight. The tramp of sea-bound red coats, fifes and drums, the woe-mongering cries of parting wives. I saw two lovers on the Staball hill, heard their vows.

A rhyming fever tingled to my fingers' ends, my only manuscript medium to hand, the stump of a lead pencil, and blank margin of the morning paper. Upon that virgin border I jotted the sketch of the following founded on fact ballad. The reader will perceive in it a beautiful inverse lesson of the mutual commotion of two loving hearts.

T

And many a gallant soldier, was bound unto the war,

And one upon the Staball hill, his sweetheart by his side

Swore many a rounded warlike oath, that she should be his bride.

"O Maggie!" cried the Corporal, "There's war across the sea,

And when I'm parted from thee, I would you'd pray for me,

And I will tell you what you'll do, when I am far away,

You'll come up to the Staball, and kneel for me, and pray."

And this to him she promised, and this to him she said,

"I'll still be ever true to thee, be thou alive, or dead!

I'll still be ever true to thee, and O if thou dost fall,

Thy soul at eve will find me here, upon the old Staball."

And then he swore a clinker oath, of what a vengeful doom,

Would him befal, who dared to win her from him, then the bloom

Came to her cheek again, "O Jim I'll never love but you,"

"I'm blowed but I'm the same!" he cried, and then they tore in two!

She saw her soldier leaving, she heard the music sweet,

Of "The girl I left behind me" sounding sadly up the street,

She saw the shrieking engine, that bore him far away,

Then went back to the Staball, to weep for him and pray.

And as the summer faded, and gloaming nights came round,

A maid anon was kneeling, upon that trysting ground,

And fearless of the winter, and of its falling snow,

That maiden sweet, and constant, unto her tryst would go.

Till on a certain evening, a stranger in the town,

Came sauntering up the Staball, and found her kneeling down,

He tipped her on the shoulder, and speaking soft, and low,

"O what on earth possesses you, to pray upon the snow."

She told him all her story then, and why so kneeling there,

She told him of her sorrowed heart, the object of her prayer,

She told him of her soldier lad, so far across the sea,

"I'd like to be a soldier lad, with you to love!" said he.

Said he "You're very lonely: If you have need to pray,

I'll come agrah! and help you, with 'Amens' if I may,

It's very hard acushla! to pray alone each night,"

And the colleen shyly answered, "She thought perhaps he might."

The tryst became more social for while the colleen prayed,

The stranger tooted "Amens" unto the kneeling maid,

Until at last he muttered "This pantomime must stop,

I'll buy the ring to-morrow, I've got a watch to pop!"

At length the war was over, she heard the beaten drum,

And up again thro' Castlebar, the scarlet men did come,

And her heart grew cold within her, to think how wroth he'd be

To learn she had been faithless, while he was o'er the sea.

Then, pleading to her husband "O hide yerself!" she said,

"Aye even up the chimbledy, or undhernate the bed!

For if he ketches howld of you, I don't know what he'll do,

It's maybe let his gun go off, an' maybe kill the two!

I'll try an' coax the grannies, to brake it to him first,

For if he's towld it sudden by me, 'twill be the worst,

They'll have to put it softly, I cannot be his bride,

So while I'm gone to tell them, do you run off an' hide."

---

"O break it to him, Grannies, the shocking news," she said

"That I have wed another, and him I cannot wed!

O put it to him gently, for great will be his pain,

That we'll never more be meeting on the Staball hill again."

They broke it to him softly, 'twas in a public bar,

A foaming pint before him, and on his brow a scar,

They broke it to him gently, and spoke it to him plain,

He needn't think to meet her, on the Staball hill again.

He swigged the pint before him, then heaved a bitter sigh,

"What? blow me, your a chaffin'!" "O divil a word o' lie!"

Then first he took his shako, and tossed it to the roof,

Then to each nervous grannie, "Here take the bloomin' loof."

"Come, wots yer shout for liquor? It's dooced well!" cried he,

"I'm buckled to a blackimoor, I met beyond the sea,

"You've taken a load from off of me! my mind is now at par,

She wouldn't have left a ribbon on the Girl of Castlebar!"

---

[THE GERMAN BAND]

V

Ve cooms vrom o'er ze sea,

Ve plays ze lovely music,

Of all ze great countree,

Ve all of us have romance,

Of life, so bigs to say,

I'll sing a verse for each man,

Ze vile ze band vill play.

Vings zerring zanzeraza,

Ve cooms from o'er ze sea,

Ve plays ze lovely music,

Of all ze great countree.

Zare's Herr Von Zingerpofel,

No prouder man vos he,

Zan ven he loved ze Fraulien

Afar in Shermanie.

But ven he found ze noders

Golds ring upon her hand,

He played on ze thriangles,

Und left ze Sherman land!

Zare's Blunder Bogle Fogen,

Vot bangs on ze big dhrum,

Thought all ze poor, und rich man,

Should own ze even sum;

Ze government vos differed,

But on ze prison valks,

He doubled up ze gaoler,

Und zen, he valked ze chalks!

Zare's Dreker Mandertoofel,

Ze opheclide he plays,

He'll never more see nodings,

Of all his happiest days;

He only blows ze music,

Because it brings ze cheer,

Of great big pipes of shmokin',

Und shugs of Lager Beer!

Zare's him vot puffs ze oboe,

In oder days vos he,

Of Heidelberg, a student

Ze pride of Shermanie,

But he did love der Lager,

Zoo mooch of Docter-Vien,

He killed ze man in duel!

Und he vos no more seen.

Zare's Mungen Val Tarara,

A Sherman born in Cork,

Und he vos von too many,

Because he vould not vork,

He left his home von mornings,

Mit all his back hair curled,

He jangs upon ze cymbals,

To bring him round ze vorld.

Now you vill be imagine,

Zat I must oondherstand,

Zat I vill tell ze story

Of leader of ze band,

But if I must, I'll speaks it,

All in ze simple rune,

So I vill stop ze music,

Ze tale is out of tune!

'Twas I vos vonce a Uhlan, who rode mit all ze band,

Zat von Alsace, und Lorraine, from Vrance vor Vaterland,

Ven in ze pits at Gravelotte, I lay von night to die,

I voke! for I vos faintings to hear ze voman sigh!

Und shust vere I vas vounded, I saw ze voman's zere,

Vos bound mine arm from bleeding, mit her own golden hair!

She nursed me through ze danger, und ven zere's peace again,

I svore zat I vould ved her, ze Fraulein of Lorraine.

I kissed my love von mornings, her vite face on my heart,

Mit sobs her eyes vos veeping, ze time vos come to part.

Ze Var vas not yet ended, I heard ze thrompet blow,

Zat I must rise, und answer, und leave ze sveetheart so!

Mine blood run cold zat mornings, und I felt somedings here,

Vos in my throat come choking, und on my cheek ze tear,

Vor O I vould not lose her, ze glory on me now,

Zat I vos hope to bless me, mit Cosette vor mine Frau.

I marched avay to Paris, vere all around vos dire,

Mit shmoke, und blood, und thunder, und fret, und woe und fire!

Und ven ze siege vos over, mit thrumpet und mit dhrum,

Vonce more again thro' Lorraine, ze Sherman bands did come.

I vent to find ze sveetheart, but grass vos on ze slain,

Ze cruel Var had murdered ze Fraulein of Lorraine!—

Shust vere mine heart is beating, I keep ze treasure zare,

Mit mine own blood upon it, von braid of golden hair,

Und all dried up und vithered, und gone to dust again,

Von flower zat vonce vos jewelled ze grave zats in Lorraine.

Ah vot is deed of glory, ven blood is on ze vings

Of love, zat makes ze heaven on earth, und vot are kings?

Auch! I vill have no patience. Strike up ze Band again,

Or I grow mad mit dhreamings, vot happened in Lorraine!

Vings zerring zanzaraza, ve cooms from o'er ze sea,

Ve plays ze lovely music, of all ze great countree.

Ve all of us have romance of life so bigs to say,

Vings zerring zanzaraza, ze vile ze band vill play.

---

[OUT OF PLUMB.]

LAID out pounds, and pounds,
In entertainment rounds,
And worked a score of credit pretty thick,
For I heard she had a plumb,
So invited her to come,
To the altar at shortest notice quick,
When I asked her for my plumb,
She was all but deaf and dumb,
I found that I was married thro' a trick,
To have lifted off the shelf,
A maiden without pelf,
Was unbusiness-like, I felt it was a stick,
Of the candle, all I had was but the wick,
A moody retrospection, makes me sick!

---

A WARD IN THE CHANCERIE

He WAS a cabman grey I feck,

All weird and wry to see;

His face was ribbed like the turtle's neck,

His nose like the strawberrie.

If you think he was old, to you I say,

Your thought obscures the truth—

Despite the years that had passed away,

He was still in his second youth.

"Ha! ha!" quoth he, "how fair she looks,"

One morn, as he did see,

A maiden sweet with her school-books,

A ward in the Chancerie.

"How fair she looks!" quoth he, and put

A load in his old black clay,

And he didn't care if he hadn't a fare,

The whole of the live-long day.

That night he looketh into the glass,

With his nose like a strawberrie,

"I know they'll say I'm a bloomin' goose

But fate is fate you see."

And he looketh into the glass once more,

Where yet was another drain.

Quoth he, "I've wedded three before,"

"The fourth I'll wed again."

Next day he was out in the open street,

And standing upon the stand,

He heard the trip of her coming feet,

'Twas sweet as a German band.

And forth he went and accosted her,

He could not brook delay,

"Hey up, look here, little gurl," said he,

"I saw you yesterday."

"I saw you yesterday. My 'eart

Went out across your feet,

And from your beauty came a dart

That fixed me all complete;

And all last night I dreamed a dream,

To my bedside you came—

You'll marvel at these words of him

Who does not know your name.

"I saw you yesterday. You smile."

His eyes, like burning beads,

Took root in her inmost soul the while,

As deep as the ditch-grown weeds.

"You smile. Ha, ha! to smile and laugh

Is better than aye to frown

It's fitter to whiffle away the chaff

That covers a golden crown.

"It's better to whittle away the cheat

Of mankind if you can."

And he cracked his whip. "It's a fair deceit

And I am a curious man—

Yes I am a curious man, my badge

Is seventeen seventy-seven,

But wot is a badge? It's a very small thing

To the matches wot's made in Heaven!"

"How sweet he speaks!" the maiden thought

"He's a lord in a rough disguise,

As a cabman old he's coming to woo

And give me a grand surprise;

He seeks to hide himself in a mask,

With a nose like a strawberrie,

But I've read too many of three vol. novs.,

He couldn't disguise from me.

"The Lord of Burleigh while incog.

Did wed an humble bride,

And legend lore recounteth more

Of love like his beside.

I've heard the ballad of Huntingtower,

And some I forget by name,

And when he's got rid of his strawberrie nose

He'll maybe be one of the same!"

And she fondly looked on him, I ween,

Sweet as the hawthorn spray,

When all in bloom of white and green,

It decks the month of May.

"Oh, dearest Cabman," spoke she then,

"No brighter fate were mine

Than this: to be thine own laydee,

My life with thee to twine.

"But I am poor and lowly born,

And never a match for thee—

A girl a man like you would scorn,

A ward in the Chancerie,

With only a hundred thousand pounds,

It may be less or more;

But do not wreck a confiding heart,

It often was done before."

"Wo! ho!" quoth he, and in his sleeve

He grinned, "It's a big mistake.

The Chancerie is only a blind,

But, yet, I am wide awake.

If a hundred thousand pounds wor her's,

She wouldn't be makin' free;

I'd have to court her a little bit more,

Before she'd be courtin' me.

"I haven't the smallest doubt of this—

The truth you tell," he began;

"But I think that you misunderstand me miss,

I am not a marryin' man.

I only thought if you wanted a cab

That I wouldn't be high in my fare,"

And he shuffled the nose-bag round the jaw

Of his patient, hungry mare.

She walked away, nor bade good day,

While he thought of the Probate Court.

"She's a girl, I twig, could give me a dig

Of a barrister's wig for sport.

I have only escaped the courts of law,"

Quoth he, "by a single hair!"

As he finished the knot of his canvas bag

On the nose of his hungry mare.

---

[THE FAIRY QUEEN]

ANY an intelligent reader will perceive that the following is a pathetic plaint founded on fact. A moral, conveyed in a polyglot sample of weak passages from many a knowing man's career.

In one noted instance, the writer while reciting the ballad, closely escaped the chance of assassination, at the hand of a member of the audience, that he fancied it was a versification of his own particular experience, made public, and brought so circumstantially home to him, that he felt the eyes of all were concentrated upon him as the hero of the ballad. Happily he did not carry a revolver, or it would most likely have exploded suddenly in the direction of the platform. But mutual explanations and further enquiry elicited the information that more than one man of that audience occupied the same lamplit boat of retrospect misfortune.

Corney Keegan relates his adventure with the picturesque force, derived from practical experience, and many an aching heart will go out to him in sympathy. His story teaches a comprehensive, solemn, and beautiful lesson.

M

"Corney me boy," siz she,

"There's luck in store for you agra!

You've been so kind to me!

Down be the rath in Reilly's Park

They say that Larry Shawn

That's gone away across the say,

Once cotch a Leprechawn.

He grabbed him be the scruff so hard,

The little crather swore,

That if bowld Larry'd let him go,

He should be poor no more!

"Just look behind ye Larry dear,"

Screeched out the chokin' elf,

"There's hapes of goold in buckets there,

It's all for Larry's self!

If Larry lets the little man

Go free again, he'll be

No longer poor but rich an' great!"

So Larry let him free.

Some say he carried home the goold

An' hid it in the aves,

But some say when the elf was gone

'Twas turned to withered laves.

"If Larry cotch a Leprechawn,"

Me mother then 'ed cry,

"Why you may ketch a fairy queen,

Ma bouchal by an' by!"

Near Balligarry now she sleeps,

Where great O'Brien bled,

And often since I took a thought,

Of what me mother said.

At last I came to Dublin town,

To thry an' sell some pigs,

And maybe then I didn't cut

A quare owld shine of rigs.

I sowld me pigs for forty pound,

For they wor clane an' fat,

An' thin we hadn't American mate,

So they wor chape at that!

"Well now," sez I, "me pocket's full,

I'll not go home just yit,

I'll take a twist up thro' the town

An' thrate meself a bit,"

I mosey'd round to Sackville Street,

When starin' round me best,

I seen a darlin' colleen there,

Most beautifully dhressed.

A posy in her leghorn hat,

An' round her neck, a ruff

Of black cock's feathers, jacket too,

Of raal expensive stuff,

A silver ferruled umberell'

In hand with yalla kid,

An' thro' a great big hairy muff

Her other hand was hid,

O like a sweet come-all-ye, in

A waltzin' swing, she swep'

The toepath, with the music of

Her silken skirt, an' step,

To see her turn the corner, thro'

The lamplight comin' down,

You'd think she owned the freehowld of

That part of Dublin town!

You'd think she owned the sky above,

It's moon with all the stars,

The thraffic in the streets below,

Their thrams, an' carts, an' cars!

You'd think that she was landlady,

Of all that she could see,

An' faith regardin' of meself,

She made her own of me!

"O Corney is it you?" siz she,

An' up to me she came,

I took a start, to hear her there,

Pronouncin' out me name;

"O Corney, there ye are!" siz she

Wid raal familiar smile,

An' thin begar she took me arm,

Most coaxingly the while;

I fluttered like a butterfly,

That's born the first of May,

Wid pride, as if I had the right

Hand side, the Judgment Day!

I felt as airy as a lark that

Skies it from the ground,

To think she'd walk wid me, poor chap,

Wid only forty pound!

She took me arm, an' thrapsed wid me,

All down be Sackville Sthreet,

An' colleens beautifully dhressed,

In two's and three's, we meet,

An' men that grinned, a greenish grin,

Of envy from their eye,

To see me wid that lady grand,

Like paycock marchin' by.

Till comin' to a lamp, I turned,

An' gazed into her eyes,

Me heart that minute took me throat

Wid lump of glad surprise,

Siz I, "Me jewel, thim two eyes,

Are sparklin' awful keen,

"I'm sure," siz I, "I've come across,

Me mother's Fairy Queen!"

"O Corney yis," siz she, "I am,

A Fairy Queen;" siz she,

"An' I can make yer fortune now,

If you'll just come with me."

Wid that, I ups and says "of coorse!"

As bowld as I could spake,

"An' sure I will me darlin', if

Its only for your sake."

Well, whin we passed the statutes white,

Up to O'Connell Brudge,

The Fairy Queen smiled up at me,

An' gev a knowin' nudge,

"Corney!" siz she, "I want a dhrink!"

"Do ye me dear?" siz I,

An' on the minute faith I felt,

Meself was shockin' dhry.

Well then she brought me coorsin off,

Down be the Liffy's walls,

An' up a narra gloomy sthreet,

Up to a Palace Halls!

An' there they wor, all splindid lit,

"Come in me love," siz she.

I thought me heart'ed brake, to hear

Her spake so kind to me!

Well in we wint, an' down we sat,

Behind a marvel schreen,

An' there we dhrank, of drink galore,

Me an' the Fairy Queen.

She spoke by alphabetic signs,

Siz she, "We'll have J.J.

An' whin we swalley'd that, siz she,

"L.L. is raal O.K."

We tossed them off like milk, siz she,

"At these we need'nt stick,

D. W. D.'s a quench you'll find,

A. I, an' up to Dick!"

Well thin she left the alphabet,

An' flying to the sky,

"The three star brand's the best" siz she,

"To sparkle up your eye,"

Thin "here!" says she "just taste Owld Tom,"

But augh! agin me grain

It wint! siz she "It's mum's the word,

We'll cure it, wid champagne!"

I never drank such sortin's, of

The drink, in all me life,

Signs on it, in the mornin', me

Digestion, was at strife!

At last, we qualified our drooth,

An' up she got, siz she,

"We'll just retire to private life,

So Corney, come wid me."

But just before I stood to go,

I siz quite aisy "Miss,

You might bestow poor Corney K.

One little simple kiss."

"Ah! Corney tibbey, sure," said she,

"Two if ye like, ye thrush!"

O have ye saw the blackberries,

Upon the brambly bush?

The Johnny Magory still is bright,

Whin all the flowers are dead,

Her hair, was like the blackberries!

Her dhress, Magory red!

O have you ever saunthered out

Upon a winther's night,

Whin the crispy frost, is on the ground,

An' all the stars, are bright?

Then have you bent your awe sthrick gaze,

There, up aginst the skies?

The stars are very bright, you think,

Well thim was just her eyes

Were you ever down at the strawberry beds,

An' seen them dhrowned in chrame?

Well that was her complexion, and

Her teeth, wor shockin' white!

An' the music of her laughin' chaff,

Was like a beggar's dhrame,

Whin he hears the silver jingle, and

His rags are out of sight!

I thought the dhrop of dhrink was free,

But throth I had to pay!

I thought it quare, but then I thought,

It was the fairy's way;

"Howld on" siz I, "she's thryin' me,

Have I an open heart,

Before she makes me fortune," so,

Begar! I took a start

Of reckless generosity,

An' flung me money round,

'Twas scatthered on the table! In

Her lap, an' on the ground!

I seen it glitter in the air,

Before me wondherin' eyes,

Like little yalla breasted imps,

All dhroppin from the skies!

O then I knew that it was threw,

She was a Fairy Queen,

The goold, came dhroppin'! whoppin'! hoppin'

The like was never seen!

I gave a whipping screech of joy!

Whin, wid a sudden whack,

Some hidden wizard, riz his wand,

An' sthruck me from the back,

Down came the clout upon the brain,

An' froze me senses quite,

An' over all me joy at once,

There shot the darkest night!

---

I knew no more, till I awoke,

An' found meself alone,

I thrust me hand, to grasp me purse,

Me forty pounds wor gone!

O then, with awful cursin', if

I didn't raise the scenes,

"Bad luck!" siz I, "to Leprechauns,

Bad scran, to Fairy Queens!

Bad luck to them, that spreads abroad,

Such shockin' lyin' tales,

Bad scran has me, that tears me hair,

An' forty pounds bewails!"

With that, I seen a man, come up,

A dark arch, marchin' thro',

As if he hadn't any work,

Particular to do.

He measured me, wid selfish eye,

As cat regards a rat,

An' whin he spoke, begor I found,

'Twas just his price at that!

Siz he "What's all this squealin' for?

What makes ye bawl?" siz he,

Siz he, "I'm a dissective, so,

You'll have to come wid me!"

Siz he, "Yer shouts wor almost loud

Enough, to crack the delph!

An' in the mornin' I must bring

Ye up, before himself!"

"Arrah! What for?" siz I, an' thin,

I towld him all me woe,

An' how I woke, an' found meself

Asleep, an' lyin' low.

I towld him of the whipsther, that

Had whipped me forty pound,

An' left me lyin' fast asleep,

In gutther, on the ground.

Then leerin' like, he turned, and siz,

"You're a nice boy! complate!

To go wid Fairy Queens, like that,

An' lose yer purse, so nate.

Corney!" siz he, "go home!" siz he,

"She might have sarved ye worse,

I'll thry me best, to ketch the Fay,

An' get you back yer purse.

But look! don't shout like that again,

It was a shockin' shout,

It sthruck me, 'twas a house a-fire!

You riz up such a rout.

I thought you'd wake me wife! she sleeps,

Down in a churchyard near!"

Wid that, the dark dissective turned,

An' bursted in a tear!

I dhribbled out a few meself,

Me brow, wid shame I bint,

An' like a lamb, from slaughter, slow,

Wid tottherin' steps I wint,

But never, never from that day,

Was any tidins' seen,

Of me owld purse, me forty pound!

Or of the Fairy Queen!

Then, whin I thought of Norah's wrath,

An' what a power she'd say,

Me fine black hair, riz on me skull,

An' grew all grizzle gray!

O never more, to Dublin town,

I'll come, to sell me pigs!

I walk a melancholy man,

Like one, that's got the jigs,

An' in the town of Limerick, if

You ever chance, to meet

A haggard man, wid batthered hat,

Come sthridin down the sthreet,

An' if he stops, by fits and starts,

An' stares at nothin' keen!

Say "there goes Corney, look he's mad!

He cotch a Fairy Queen."

And if you chance in Sackville Sthreet,

Or any other way,

To meet, all beautifully dhrest,

A lovely colleen gay;

An' if she chances on the name,

That you wor christened by,

An' laughs, as if she knew ye,

With a cute acquaintance eye,

An' if she takes your arm, an' siz,

That she's a Fairy Queen,

Start back in horror, shout aloud,

O woman am I green!

Am I before a doctor's shop,

Where coloured bottles be?

Is there a green light, on my face,

That you should spake to me?

Go home, O Fairy Queen, go home!

At once, an' holus bolus!

Remimber, Corney Keegan's purse,

An' think of the Dublin Polis

---

THE DEVIL IN RICHMOND PARK

I

Thro' the ferns, in Richmond Park,

'Twas just at the fringe of the twilight hour,

On the skirt, of the time called dark,

And the wind was rough, and I couldn't succeed,

To kindle my three-penny smoke,

When a gentleman stepped from behind a tree,

And coughed, and hemmed, and spoke:

"You'll pardon me, Sir, you're in want of a light,"

Said he, with a bow to me,

And straight producing a braided star,

He struck it against his knee,

And with an expression of much concern,

To see that my weed was right,

He manipulated the light himself,

With a courtesy most polite.

I am one, who is quickly impressed, and won,

By measure of courteous act,

So deeming it right, to appreciate,

In response of appropriate tact,

I spake to him thus, "It's rare that a man

In a gentleman's dress like thine,

Doth care to assist, the frivolous wants,

Of a miniature vice like mine,

So reckon it not, as a rudeness wrought,

Of an ignorant wish to know,

But I'd certainly like to learn the name,

Of the gent, who has touched me so!

Then he glittered a grin, from his cat-like eye,

Thro' a coal black lash on me,

And he bowed, with his lifted silk top hat,

"I'm the Devil himself!" quoth he.

Good gracious! yes, I was certainly struck,

So suddenly thus to be

With the Devil himself! but soon, or late,

He was bound to appear to me.

So screwing my nerves, to concert pitch,

To play up my soul, for wealth,

With a supplemental proviso made,

For excellent mortal health,

I offered to scribble my autograph,

In blood, old-storied style,

To deed, for a compensating line,

From his notable strong room pile.

But he looked on me, with a pitying glance,

I counted somewhat queer,

And answered me thus,—in a friendly way,

With a slight sarcastic leer.

T'S a long time, Sir, I assure you, since

I endeavoured, to so combine,

My games of spoof, for the human soul,

In the bartering oofftish line.

I suffered by many a measly cheat,

When mortals made those sales,

You'll read of their shuffling knavish tricks,

Thro' the mediæval tales,

If you think, that by selling your soul to me,

Is the way to get rich, it ain't,

You'll have to become, a Devil yourself,

In the garb, of a modern Saint.

"It's the fashionable way, to play the game,

Of hypocritical spoof,

You have only to tailor your saintly robe,

To cover your tell tale hoof,

You have only to hypnotise mankind,

And teach them, to gaze on high,

And while you have mesmerised them thus,

With eyes, to the upward sky,

"You can plot, exploit, and sneak, and trick,

And cram your wallet, with wares,

And earthly stocks, as you boom the run,

On the New Jerusalem shares,

You can rob the widow, and orphan child;

But reputably go to church,

And if, by the clogging of circumstance,

Your pinched, in the doomdock lurch,

The greater the pile of swag, you've made,

The fewer the blanks, you'll draw,

From the lottery wheel, of the English bench,

In the name, of the English law.

It's merely a mode, of paying yourself,

In advance, a liberal wage,

For the government work, you'll have to do,

In the broad-arrow-branded stage.

Say thirty thousands of pounds, you filch,

Five years, is the time you'll do,

Six thousand a year, in advance, you see,

To enjoy, when you've pulled it thro'.

Or, seizing your pile, by a dextrous coup,

Before they have time, to look down,

From the castles, in the air,

You have built for them there,

You can take a foreign ticket from town.

"And tho' you are lagged, at the ends of the earth,

You'll still find a breach, or a flaw,

Whereby you can slip, thro' the quips, that confuse,

Extradition—international law.

"Now that is how I teach, the quickest way to cure,

Your impecuniosity complaint,

You must collar the swag, as a Devil yourself,

In the garb, of a modern saint.

There's another way to pinch, whereby you may keep,

Your character, apparently sound,

Go pray, and exhort, teach the vanity of wealth,

And pay, half-a-crown in the pound!

"Now bear it in mind, if you're wanting to make,

Let this, be your measureless plaint,

The misery of wealth, get a halo, and preach,

In the garb, of a modern Saint."

Again he lifted his silk top hat,

And bowing an adieu to me,

He vanished away, with a lordly crawl,

In the trunk, of the nearest tree,

And thus, were my mediæval hopes

Of wealth, by a caustic blow,

Dispersed, and a lesson of evil taught,

By the Devil, who touched me so.

---

[SAVED!]

I PICTURED out my passion,
In florid fretwork fashion,
Expostulating!
Waiting!
Stating,
Mating we must be,
And subtle thought, relating,
To scheme, of emigrating,
With bride, to land of Bashan,
Was exercising me;
When, peering like a picket,
Or a cricket,
From a thicket,
Thro' the wicket,
Came another, on the scene,
And we were three!
'Twas the spinster, in a hurried
Fit of minorhood, I married,
She succoured me
From bigamy,
Said she,
"Come home to tea!"
I went, and drank it boiling,—
A mug of strong Bohea!—
I drank it, without sugar,
A tannic dose, for me!

---

[A MOST REMARKABLE CASE]

'T

And 'twas for the co-respondent, a most remarkable case,

For good was the leading counsel, and moral the words spake he,

And fashionable ladies listened, to Writ MacFee, Q.C.

He rose to his feet and setting his most magniloquent frown,

He fingered his brief for a moment, a moment, and laid it down,

Then out of his golden snuffbox, he powdered his pampered nose,

And then with a pull back rustle of silk, to its wonted pose,

He heliographed to the jury, a glitter of eyeful glee,

And as he surveyed the respondent, most rep-re-hen-siv-lee,

He mounted his golden pinc-nez, and on this wise spake he.

"Me Lud, and O gents of the Jury, it's a most remarkable case!

And I don't hesitate for a moment, my cause in your hands to place,

For O," said the counsellor, purring, with subtle seductive leer,

"I never beheld such a jury, in the length of my long career!

I assure you it makes it easy for an advocate like to me,

To open the most remarkable case ver. Tommins, L.R.C.P."

Then marking his condemnation, with voice like a double bass D.

"The co-respond' is a doctor, John Tommins, L.R.C.P.,

A leech of the muddiest water, a pill, that has given the sick,

An emetic of truth, a plaister of pitch, with a warrant to stick,

It's O when consumptive virtue, is treated by such, you see

The ruin, like that enacted by Tommins, L.R.C.P.

He was called to attend the Lady May Monica Pendigrew,

From a fit of the blues he roused her, and prettily pulled her through,

But managed her like a pilot, who getting a treacherous grip,

Sails out into deeper water, to scuttle and sink the ship!

O gents, by æsthetical fraud, he played on the lady's mind,

With Shakespeare collar and fur, a sunflower, and such kind,

He called her too utterly too, and posed in a limpish style,

And droned in a minorly key, of love, like a fretwork file.

Me Lud, and O gentlemen, gents, the co-respond' may smile,

Your sympathy thus to win, by means of trover of guile,

But no! you will give him a check, whereby you will take your place,

As the most remarkable twelve, of the most remarkable case!"

'Twas thus, with vigour, and vim, and verve, and casuist glee,

The raftered roof re-echoed, the shouts of Writ MacFee,

While envious briefless Bees, admired his logic, and gist,

Accentuate note, and pause, well marked by his thumping fist,

He stood on the councillor's seat, with one of his feet—the left,

And the stuffy compression of air, with whirling silk he cleft,

And this, was his winding up, "O Father, Brother, and Son,

Oh this is a case, concerning each individual one,

And confident of your verdict, now into your hands I place,

O gentlemen, gents of the Jury, this most remarkable case!"

With quiver of deep emotion, one hypnothetical glance,

He photophoned to the jury, at Tommins he looked askance,

Then daintily mopped his forehead, some virtuous beads of heat,

He sopped in his red bandana, and then he resumed his seat.

Then "Oh!" said the ladies in court,

"Wasn't that lawyer a treat?"

Concussion of parasols, sticks, hands, and stamping feet,

Till the usher expostulated, aloud in a startling shout,

"Silence!!!"

And his Ludship sternly threatened, to bundle the audience out,

Poor Tommins had then to listen to evidence from the box,

And now, and again, it dealt him, a stagger of nasty knocks;

Acquaintances there subpœnad, identification swore,

And others, who sneaked the keyhole, of sitting apartment door.

What mattered the osculation, with which he smacked the book,

A fig for his indignation, a jot for his injured look,

The jury, and judge, decided the damage, and costs, to be

Three thousand pounds, to the client of Writ MacFee, Q.C.

---

T

Was mooning around, to a neighbouring square, to join in an evening tea,

When a tremulous maiden, checked his steps, and cried him, "O Mister Man,

Me mother's afeered, that the two pair back, is goin' to kick the can!

O Mister Medical Sir, he's sick, an' owin' a quarter's rent,

An' that's the most, of the cause for why, of the hurry, that I was sent,

O Mister Medical Man, Sir please, O please Sir folly me quick,

You might be able to worry him thro' from the fit of the stiffnin' sick!

Oh! come Sir, please Sir, do Sir come,

O hurry an' come with me quick!"

From sympathetic professional heart, for indigent sick alway,

He gave a positive kind response, to the girl, who thus did pray,

And on thro' court, and alley, and lane, he followed her devious track,

Then mounting a rickety deal wood stair, he entered a two pair back,

And there, in the glim of a halfpenny dipt, he gazed on a ghastly man,

And he counted his pulse, said the girl "Do you think he's likely to kick the can?"

The sick man rose to an elbow prop, at Tommins, to blink and stare!

He seemed an anatomy, made for show, of eyes, and nose, and hair,

He peered awhile thro' the starving glim, and then, with a moan cried he,

"O God, have you come to haunt me here, John Tommins, L.R.C.P.?

O is it with pills, or senna and salts, your 'shake up the bottle' and mess

Of slops, to avenge for the deed I've done? have mercy and I'll confess!

O pester me not to swallow your stuff, I will not allow you to bleed!

O spare me Tommins, I'm guilty, guilt, is what I'm about to plead!"

The doctor shrank with a searching gaze, that clung to the startled ghost,

In doubt awhile, for the rounded lines of his manhood's prime were lost,

Till memory striking the evil past, the doctor's eye did trace,

With a shock to his heart, the Writ MacFee of the most remarkable case!

His memory jarred on the Probate Court, with all its sorrowful shame,

Disastrous check, to his early hopes, of honor, and medical fame,

And with a potion of pity, and hate, he knew the furrowy face

Of the grim, of the Writ MacFee, Q.C., of the most remarkable case.

The bloom of his pampered nose was gone, 'twas shrivelled, and pinched, and shrunk!

His adipose peach of cheek, was fled, 'twas lean, and withered, and sunk,

A derelict there; by the prosperous port of wealth, and power, and place,

He lay the identical Writ MacFee, of the most remarkable case!

"O spare me doctor! for I'll confess,—I should have been in your place.

As the treacherous co-respondent, of the most remarkable case,

T'was I, was the homestead wrecker, but never as Writ MacFee,

I played me, a knave's deception, as Tommins, L.R.C.P.!

I bought from a needy super, the beard, moustaches, and wig,

I managed to coach my tailor, to model me in your rig,

And thus I received a welcome, to lunch, and dinner, and tea,

As Tommins the medical doctor, but never as Writ MacFee.

O Doctor Tommins have mercy! I beg to legacy thee,

With thirty tickets of pawn to name, of Writ MacFee, Q.C.

In a brief bag under the bed, tied up in a worn-out wig,

You will find a memento there, of mock æsthetical rig,

The spats and the collar and vest, I wore when I went to see,

The Lady Monica Pendigrew, as Tommins, L.R.C.P.

O Doctor Tommins forgive! the cost and the foul disgrace,

Of debt, for the illsome guilt, of the most remarkable case,

O Doctor Tommins have grace!" he rose with a greedy stare,

And gripped with his reedy fists, the mat of his weedy hair!

Then moaning a hungry sigh, for life, with a choking breath,

He fell with accusing cry, "O Tommins you've brought me death!

But I won't have a pauper's coffin! so give me a decent show—

Whew!—eh—what's this? O thunder thun—un—der and lightning———Oh!

Ah!—mercy me Lud! O mercy! thun—un—der an' light—ning———Oh!!

It's a sine die, the morrow for me, Ah! mercy me Lud, Oh!———Oh!"

The girl ran out of the two pair back, and down the stairs she ran,

With shouts, as she took three steps at a time, "The lodger has kicked the can!

Mother, O mother, we've lost the rent, the lodger has kicked the can!

It's just what you said of the two pair back, he's gone an he's kicked the can!"

---

[A TOUR TO SVITSERLAND]

AID she, "The Parkinses have gone, and all the Doolys, too,

The Mcriartys, and the Dunns, and Mrs. old MacHugh;

The Dalys and Fitzpatricks, with all their kin, and kinds,

Have mounted crumpled papers, on all their window blinds.

Ah! stop that old piano, you ding it all the day,

It's only when your pupils are here, you make it pay;

And all your pupils' parents, and all their kin, and kinds,

Have all got crumpled papers, on all their cotton blinds."

He stopped the old piano, and "Vot of zat?" said he,

"Regarding which, we'll have to do exact the same," said she.

"For if we don't, we'll be the talk for many a day to come,

That when all others went abroad, the Zazels kept at home.

It's positively foolish, affects your daughter's hopes—"

"Vel, zhere," said he, "go pack ze thronk, I'll tie it vit ze ropes;

And you discharge ze servong, ze moment zat you find,

She's pinned ze crumpled papers, on all ze cotton blind:

And put ze gossip on her tongue, for Svitzerland ve sail,

Ze-morrow in ze Dover boat, vot brings ze voreign mail;

And say, its Oh, so secret, by shings, but she vill blow

Ze news, around ze town, until ze all ze people know."

---

The Dover boat had started, when, lo! prospecting round,

A man upon the windows, those crumpled papers found.

"Hello!" said he, "such houses are always left for me,"

And crept into the fanlight, and foraged round with glee.

He stole away the silver, he stole away the clocks,

He augured out the secret, of the children's savings' box;

He laughed, and he did chuckle, and cackling "Ha!" said he,

"The men who leave their houses thus, are men who toil for me."

Alas! that in my ballads, I have to tune my song,

To many flats, and minors, to show where sharps go wrong.

He donned a suit, next morning,

And sought an auctioneer—

"I'm ordered out to China, so harken, and look here;

Bring up your ivory hammer to the house, where you will see,

The blinds in crumpled papers, and cant the lot for me."

He auctioned off the carpets, the suites of every room,

He canted to a builder, the villa for its doom;

He made him sign a docket, to take down every brick,

Within the shortest notice, so he commenced it quick.

They first upset the chimneys, and then unstitched the slates,

They lifted off the rafters, and rooted out the grates;

The door, and window casings, they took in several hauls,

And carted off, the debris of bricks, that made the walls.

At length a workman picking with crowbar, in the rear,

Let fall his pipe in terror, his knees went loose with fear,

A chill of woe electric, begirt his heart, like lead,

He found a row of corpses, and every corpse was dead!

I've sketched him, with the crowbar, and falling pipe, to show

His awful fright, and sorrow, the fact is, such a blow

Might paralize his senses, unfit him for his trade—

I hope some kindly ladies, will have collections made.

But yet a glamoured beauty was on them all, so nice,

He felt like pins and needles, in glass of strawberry ice,

He shambled round a corner, "O Constable!" he said,

"I've found a row of corpses, and every corpse is dead!"

I like that honest fellow, tho' poor, with eye forlorn,

Said he, "O Mister Pleeceman, I wish I wasn't born"—

I've sought again to sketch him, above their ghastly rest,

He indicates a label, on every corpse's breast.

'Twas down an empty cellar, below the bottle shelves,

They looked as they were sleeping, in fact, they looked themselves,

The daughters of Herr Zazel, the wife of Zazel, and

The Pleeceman asked for Zazel, was he in Switzerland?

The oldest native, answered a deputating clutch

Of specials, that there never before did happen such,

And so they wrote sensations, and from the civic band,

A posse of detectives, went scoot for Switzerland.

The crowner's Morgue was opened, the jurymen were caught,

And every man protested, although he didn't ought,

They went to view the corpses.

"Mein gott, vots them?" said one,

"Votever has there happened, vots been, and gone, and done?

I could'nt spare ze money, avay mit me, so many,

And so tinks I, I'll mesmer zem all, I vont brings any,

I wraps 'em up mit labels, vots tied upon zem zare,

Ven I comes home, to vake 'em, and sorts 'em up mit care.

I vos in my purse, only ze cash enough to stand,

For vot you calls, von single man, avay in Svitzerland.

And so I mesmerised my vife, my daughters, von by von,

And now I'll vake 'em all, and zen, by shings, you zee me run!"

He party pumped his arms, he made a maze of passes,

With flashing eyes of flame, that lit his pinc nez glasses.

He clawed with his phalanges as he were going to seize

Some hidden ghost, when lo! at length, his wife began to sneeze,

His wife commenced the sneezing, the girls took up the que,

"Now zee me run, or you vill find, too moosh vor me to do,"

He cried, and off he started, and took the tram for home,

When peering thro' the twilight, of autumn's evening gloam,

He saw a shocking poster, that curdled up his blood,

"This ground to let for building," on which his house had stood,

He laughed a weird, and woful, idiotic laugh at fate,

He took a second tram-car, and sought a barber straight,

And sitting down, he uttered a low despairing groan,

"I'm vot you calls vor Bedlam, so shaves me to ze bone!!"

---

[JOY! ON SEEING A FLYING SPRING.]

I MADE him quite at home,

In a villa just by Rome,—

An Italian, of the antient noble style,—

But I saw him 'neath a star,

And the tink of his guitar,

Was an irritating thing, that made me smile,

His object, was my spouse for to beguile,

But when he caught it hot,

With sporting gun, and shot,

He took a flying spring, across a stile!

His object, was my spouse for to beguile.

---

[THE MATE OF THE MARY ANNE]

"I

As she opened the door to him,

And I'm all the way from the state of New York,

With a present, I've got from Jim!"

"O dear!" said she, "It's a pleasure to see

A friend, who has known my son,

We've a party, enjoying the evening tea,

And you're just in time for fun."

"Ah! thank you," said he, "I would like to explain,

The chest, is a cumbersome weight,

I'd have brought it myself; but I hadn't the dimes,

To cover the cost of the freight.

"It's a matter of seventeen shillings and six,

But you see, I am one of the crew,

I'd have paid it myself, for sake of your son,

If I could have lifted my screw."

"Ah! Jim was the very best pal that I knew,"

She got out the cash for him,

"Now hang up your hat, and come in to the tea,

And tell us a lot about Jim."

He hung up his hat, and went in to the tea,

Said he to a girl, who was there,

"You're the livin' dead image of my chum Jim,

Regardin' yer figure, and hair."

Said he to another, "Yer like yer mother,

But still the expression of Jim,

Is a playin' around yer beautiful smile,

A perfeck sister of him.

"I guess you are soft, on the ring that I wear,"

And he 'splayed his horney fist,

"I'd like you to wear it, for honor of Jim,

'Twould almost bangle your wrist!

"For savin' his wife, from a shark, I got

The trinket, at Scooperaboo,

From a Monarch, who gave it me, out of his nose,

I'm proud to present it to you.

"The ring is too grand, for my tanned hand,

It's a valuable old gew gaw,

I'm skeered, I'd be robbed o' the thing some night,

In the grip of a lawless claw.

"It's a putty gay keepsake, that you've got there,

I'd be glad for sake of poor Jim—"

And he paused, "O yes you may have it," said she,

"Ah! thanks! when I'm back with him.

"I guess he'll be proud to see it, and hear,

That I have presented to you,

The ring that I got, for savin' the wife,

Of the Monarch of Scooperaboo.

"I've a bauble that's here, on a link of my chain,

It's made of a nugget I got,

I never can know it, I'll maybe be darned!

Or drowned! or skivered! or shot!

"It's a nugget to waste, with a fellow like me,

To be sportin' it out of the shop,

Here! take it by gum! you're the mother of Jim!

Or maybe I'd put it in pop."

"Ah! Sir" said the mother "You're far too kind!"

As he fastened it on to her chain,

"Will you keep this locket in place of it? there,

I will never require it again,"

"Aha!" said he, "It's a moral, to see

You're the spirit of Jim all out,

I'll have it, and wear it, for honour of Jim,

Without no manner of doubt.

"Eh! what's the time, I am bound to an hour,

I'd like to remain, if I can,

But the captain's keepin' the cable taut,

On the men of the 'Mary Anne.'

"Let somebody travel with me to-night,

Who will carry the luggage ashore,

I'll bring all your compliments out to Jim,

If I may not see you no more."

Said a girl, who was there, with auburn hair,

Who hadn't been talking free,

"The weather is dark, and you say the ship,

Is out some yards at sea,

"It's better that two, should travel with you,

The journey's a little too far,

And one'll take charge of the present from Jim,

The other, can go for a car."

So two of the gentlemen, offered to go,

Who had been at the evening tea,

And they all shook hands, and the three took tramp,

To the wall, by the wailing sea.

"I guess that we ought to be havin' a quench,"

Said the Mate, "For I always do,

I never go thirsty, aboard at night,"

So he went, and treated the two.

They sat in a room, at the back of the bar,

Discussing three tumblers hot,

"I'm darned, if we won't have a couple of smokes!"

Said he, "And I'll settle the shot."

"You'll pull a cigar with me, by gum!

I'll get them 'and jest you set,'"

He went with his purse, to the bar to pay,

And they have not seen him yet!

But whether he's shot, or whether he's drowned,

Or darned, the Host did say,

Behind the bar, as he pulled a pint,

That "the drink was still to pay!"

---

She laughed a laugh, when the twain returned,

"You're a mighty discerning pair!"

And she posed her nose, with a tilted tip,

Did the girl, with the auburn hair.

They all suggested, a different way,

Of finding the missing Mate,

"Put out your brains," said the auburn hair,

"On a clean, blue pattern plate.

"And twig a few of the cobwebs off,

From Scooperaboo, look there!

We've Brumagem trinkets, of glass, and brass!"

Said the girl, of the auburn hair.

---

[AN UMBRELLA CASE.]

I saw a dress! 'twas of my wife,

She stepped along with frivol rife,

And by her side, a man of strife

A guardsman of the line.

Ha ha! So ho! was here a cause,

To agitate the Probate laws,

For a divorce, I did not pause,

With guardsman of the line,

I had an umbrella stout,

I lifted it, I flung it out,

In semicircle, with a shout,

At guardsman of the line!

Ah! me, for an unlucky wight!

Beneath the sick electric light,

She turned, O shock unto my sight!

She was no wife of mine!

He didn't draw, I wasn't slain,

But of that blow, he did complain,

And made me wipe away the stain,

With legal brief, and twine.

---

[THE SPOOK OF ROTTEN ROW]

O

I sampled Rotten Row,

Across my scapula, I got

A sharp conclusive blow!

A flat concussion of a palm,

Was quick, and deftly laid,

With rude familiar frowardness,

Against my shoulder blade!

The impact curled up my blood;

And almost in a thrice,

My heart refrigerated, to

An imprompt lump of ice!

I feared it was a bailiff, and

I sprang from off the sod!

"I'm but a ghost!" said he, "you need

Not start" said I "thank God!

"I must confess, that I eschew

A bailiff's companie,

"A ghost, is much more welcome, to

A person fixed like me."

Thus into swift acquaintanship,

Familiarly did glide,

The spook of Rotten Row, and I,

And walking side by side,

We chatted in a varied way,

And slowly sauntered round,

Until we came upon a lone,

And sparsy plot of ground,

Then halting there, the spectre cried,

In accents like a knell,

"T'was here I fought a duel once,

And there it was I fell!

Behold a thistle growing there,

And yon a shamrock too,

And there in every season past,

A little wild rose grew,

A nursery in miniature,

Of sign of Kingdoms three,

That sprang spontaneous thro' the sod,

From blood, that flowed from me,

For lo! my sire was Rupert Smith,

My mater was a Lynch;

My grandmother per pater, was

A Flora Jane Mac Tinch,

An uncle, on the mother's side,

A Belfast Macinfee,

This made the union perfect,

And embodied thus in me,

Was typed the British Empire,

Per my consanguinitee.

And it's an interesting fact,

That Wales can share the fame,

And pride, of my nativity,

For, Jones, it was the name,

My mother first accepted, as

A matrimonial claim;

But Jones was testily inclined,

And all about a myth,

In jealous hate, he fell before

The blade, of Rupert Smith!

Then Rupert Smith, he minded of

The widow's wail, and tear,

And in remorse, he married her,

As consequence, I'm here!

The record of my gallant sire,

To hot complexion grew,

In me, till I was minded of

A cause, for fighting too.

I knew a maid, and for her sake,

My daily life was fuss,

It is not always for a maid,

A man's affected thus;

But when she wasn't by my side,

I felt how lonely, space

Would be, if man could not behold,

A single woman's face.

And so I fondled, petted her,

And worried, wrote some rhymes,

And even got them published, in

A small, suburban times,

I took some pestilential pains,

To learn the minuet,

And trained my voice, to harmonise,

With her's, in the duet.

We married were, I faith! it was

A festal day, for hope,

To care we gave the congè, and

To pleasure, extra scope,

Until one day, my joy was washed

Away, like scented soap!

'Twas on this wise,—

In Rotten Row,

Midst fashionable life,

I found a promenader there,

In converse, with my wife!

I parleyed not a moment, but

Asserting manhood's law,

I tweaked him by the nose, and cried,

"Defend thyself and draw!"

Resenting my impetuous way,

The old command, to teach,

He roused him to impromptu fire,

Of indignation speech,

And with a sneer, that galled my quick,

He swore me, I must die!

But with a rough right royal oath,

I sneered him back the lie!

"Thy name?" quoth I, "I am," said he,

"A man of Deeds, and Loans,

And auction sales,

I come from Wales,

My name is Mervyn Jones!"

"What?

Mervyn Jones of Pontypridd?"

"Exactly so, the same,"

Said he,—I heard of him before,

And quivered at his name!

For 'twas the name, thro' which the world

Had come to hear of me,

By pruning blade of Smith, on Jones;

His genealogic tree,

"Yes I am Jones!"

Quoth he, "By loans,

And mortgaged, for her life,

Thro' debts to me, attorney's power,

I hold upon thy wife,

So skin thy blade, I'll give thee cause,

To tweak my nose!" he saith,

"I'll auction thee, unto the bid,

Of good old broker death!"—

Hereditary fate it seemed,

That I must fight with Jones,

I would have shirked it, but for those,

His irritating tones,

I feared a compensating fate,

Might strike an even deal,

Betwixt the house of Smith, and Jones,

But skinning forth my steel,

I smote at him, by hip, and thigh,

By carte, and aye by tierce,

I held him to his guard, with quick,

Aggressive strokes, and fierce,

But lo! the cunning of my wrist,

A moment lapsed! with art

Of subtle fencer, past my guard,

He pinked me, in the heart!

It skivered me, just like the fork,

That spoils a grilling steak,

I shivered, with a yell, and then,

A woman's cry,—and crake

Of joy from him, with mighty pang,

I leaped in air, and fell!

A muffled music thrilled my brain;

For me, the passing knell,

From numbing toe, and finger tip,

The graduating thrill

Of life's collapse, crept over me,

I wriggled, and lay still!

Then, from the chrysolid of flesh,

Light spirited I rose,

And gazed upon my corse, as on

A suit of cast off clothes,

My widow shrieked, and fainted, but

A golden vinagarette,

My slayer lifted from his fob,

And to her nose, he set

The bauble, while he pinched her, slapped

Her hands, and brought her to,

Then speaking to my mortal wreck,

Said he, "Now as for you,

I have avenged the slur upon

My nose, thy tweak hath wrought,

Thou art the loser, in the game

Of combat, that thou sought,

But lo! thy widow, will not weep

It long, for I may say,

She'll shed her weeds, and she will wed

With me, the first of May!

Then, with my spouse upon his arm,

He turned, and sneaked away,

And left me here, a widowed ghost,

Aye, even to this day!"

My indignation at his wrongs,

I told the grateful spook:

"Gramercy!" cried he, as with misty

Fist, my hand he shook,

And charged me thus, with eager verve,

Of deep revengeful tones,

"If ever thou dost meet a man,

Who deals in deeds, and loans,

Who bears the patronymic, and

The shield, of Mervyn Jones,

I care not how, by forgery!

By fist, or aye by knife!

By sneaking of his fiancée,

Or mayhap of his wife!

By burgling of his premises,

Or pelting him with stones!

Avenge me, on the offspring, of

The man, called Mervyn Jones!"

I sware him, if such christened man,

Did ever dare my sight,

In widest open day, or from

The nooks, of darkest night!

It mattered not, if extra tall,

Or what his weight, or width,

I'd borrow from him, to avenge

The wrongs, of Rupert Smith!

"I thank thee well!" the spectre cried,

With chuckle, sad, and grim,

"Adieu!"

And lo! he vanished thro'

The hazy gloaming dim:

He vanished, and I thanked my luck,

He left no aching bones!

For I'm a male descendant, of

The man, called Mervyn Jones!

And Mervyn, haps my christian name,

A broker, I am he,

A windfall fructifaction, of

That genealogic tree.

---

Next evening, when I told this tale,

To Doctor Bolus Chuff,

Incredulous, and unimpressed,

With mien, erect, and tough,

Presenting a prescription, for

Some tonic tempered pills,

Said he "Thro' too much spirits, you

Have got D.T.'s and chills!"

---

[THE MAGIC SPECS]

He WROUGHT a specs, with magic rim, of strange, and subtle parts,

For by those optics made by him, he saw men's inmost hearts,

The grim old sage, 'twas of his fads, to wear those wrysome lamps,

For evermore, and find the lads, the worldly-wise, and scamps.

He saw the plottings, and the strife, he saw the woes, and tears!

The murky glooms of unknown life, the spring of hopes, and fears,

The sham of face, the sham of name, the sham of heart within;

He sifted all, and wrote for fame, record of unknown sin.

"Ho, ho!" cried he at length, "I wis, the dross of men is such,

'Tis surfeit, thus to seek for this, it palls me overmuch;

I'll seek a gem of human hearts, and find it, if I can,"—

He sought at home, and foreign parts, to meet an honest man.

In that pursuit, a year and seven, did on his labours fall;

"Heigho!" cried he, "outside of Heaven, they're masks, and faces all!

They're masks, and faces all!" quoth he, and from the world he went

To bide alone, beside the sea, in selfish self-content.

Now, this old sage, thro' many a year, had never thought of self,

Before he used the specs: in fear, his mirror, on a shelf,

He set, with face down evermore, lest by a glance, that he

Should pry into the evil store, of his own villainie.

But, fishing in a pool one day, the sage forgot his specs—

To take it from his nose,—and hey! a horror, to perplex

His soul with fear, was under him; for, in the glassy wave,

He saw his heart reflected grim! he saw his new-made grave:

He saw, that he himself was worst, of all that he had seen;

By sight of conscience, he was curst, the evil deeds, had been

Dry rotting in his blackened heart, the place he feared to search,

And self-reproach, did send a dart, that knocked him off his perch;

The rod and line, fell from his hand, the specs fell off his nose:

And he was drowned, in sight of land, in all his Sunday clothes.

---

YE CURIOUS TAYLE OF YE UNCIVIL FIGHT OF YE CIVIL WARRE

O

'Twixt cavalier, and roundhead tough,

Thence, for thy pale

Of cheek, and wail,

Now hearken, to ye curious tayle,

Ah! me.

T

And hunger, for each other's life!

Alack ah! me,

That such should be,

Where posies, pied beneath ye tree,

Ah! me.

I

And cut, and slash, ye time away;

Ye evil grue,

This derring do,

When earth, was wide enough for two,

Ah! me.

L

Ye squirrel came, and nipped ye twine;

Reproof of spite,

From woodland mite,

For truce to ye fanatic fight,

Ah! me.

B

And swish their blades, in murderous wise;

'Tis pain, to sing,

Of sword, in swing,

Where butterflies, did spread ye wing,

Ah! me.

A

A bat, did cut ye cord, ho! ho!

Ye moral flat,

Of gracious bat,

That men, should drop ye hate, like that—

Ah! me.

Y

Ye loathsome vengeance, starts anew,

O pity! wrong,

Should wreak so strong,

Where birds, did pipe ye evensong,

Ah! me.

Y

No fiercer fray, did minstrel sing,—

But why spill here,

Ye tender tear,

For Roundhead, or ye Cavalier?

Ah! me.

T

Fell off, and nature's truths, disclose,

Ye wild surprise,

Doth swiftly rise,

Ye brows, above ye startled eyes!

Ah! me.

F

Each was his father's other son!

Ye clasping spree,

Of filial glee,

Is here depicted, as you see,

Ah! me.

---

[LEATHER VERSUS LAW]

AN instance of calculating foresight and prudence is illustrated in the following verses. If men would rely on the mutual study of a spirit of equity, and enter more confidentially into the claims of each, what beautiful pictures, of repentant resignation to a just castigation, would be afforded, by certain of those who misunderstand the rights of property. An excellent lesson of this kind, is taught by the experience of the first tramp. He parted from the Farmer, with comprehensive impressions, of the farmer's energy, and application to business, a fact, which he took the earliest opportunity, of advertising in the nearest hospital. Thro' the second case, also runs a beautiful lesson, to the farmer, it may not have happed so well, as to the tramp, but the record serves to show, that an action at law, should only result, as a mutual alternative, agreeable to both parties; thereby the air of the Law Courts, would be considerably purified, of the stuffiness, that oppresses the impetuous litigant.

S

"The dark is comin' on the sun,

Do you prowl in to this 'ere barn.

And I'll dodge on to yonder one.

"I allus likes to sleep alone,

Besides you see, it runs' em tight,

The Varmers, when a pair o' tramps

Turns up, so Bill, I'll say good night."

The chanticleer, did early trump,

A tonic note, upon his pipe,

And woke the husbandman, to view,

How thick, and tall, his crops, and ripe.

And in his barn, he found a tramp!

"Ho, trespasser, what shall I do?"

He cried "Shall I evict by Law?

Or take the Law myself, on you?"

"Well Varmer, I have had with cranks,

Of legal jaw, too much," said he,

"So with your leave, I'd rather you,

Would take the law, yourself on me."

"Ha! that's exactly to my form!"

He gripped him by the neck, "Here goes!

Whew! now take this! and that, and this,"

With that, he gave him all his toes.

He kicked him, thro' the barn door,

He rolled him, in the grunty stye,

And up, and down, and round the yard,

And then, he bunged him in the eye!

He ducked him, in the horses' pond,

He slung him, right across a load

Of dung, he kicked him thro' the gate,

And wiped him up and down the road!

He kicked him black! He kicked him blue!

He kicked him green! and red and white!

He kicked him, till he could not kick,

For then the tramp was out of sight!

That tramp did never more appear

Around that neighbourhood, he passed

Away, just like a whiff of smoke,

That scuds before the autumn blast!

---

A second husbandman that morn,

Was quick astir, he fancied he

Did hear, a wailing in his barn,

A moan, as of the wild banshee!

He thought to catch the female sprite,

For truth, he was a festive scamp,

But got a sort of snub, when he,

Discovered but a snoring tramp!

The sleep was deep, for with his foot,

He had to supplement the blow,

Or box, he gave him on his ear,

And shouted in that ear "Hello!

You'll pardon me, my friend, but 'ere,

I thought, this barn belonged to me!

Now shall I chuck you out myself,

Or seek injunct, from Chancerie?"

The startled tramp, did rub his nose,

And stared that farmer, in the eye,

Then stretched himself, and spoke as he,

Would fain enjoy a longer lie.

"Well Boss, I've been so often chucked,

That it would be relief to stay,

And in the Court of Chancerie,

Arrange it in a friendly way."

They took the case to chancerie,

And argued it, from every point,

But in the end, they always found,

The arguments, were out of joint!

The prosecuting counsel, cranked

The cogs of all the tramp's defence,

And also in his turn, was spanked,

And thus, they cribbed the farmer's pence.

They argued it, on every side,

With judge's whim, and lawyer's yarn.

But still the tramp, remains at home,

His home, is in the farmer's barn!

The case, has not been ended yet,

It crops up now, and often then,

You cannot tell, when it may crop,

It might crop up, next week again,

But when that tramp, will have to go,

I cannot tell it, nor can he,

The farmer cannot, nor can they;

The lawyers of the Chancerie.

Thus tho' we may not take the law,

Into our hands, it's often meet,

To serve extemporaneous writ

By sharp eviction, from the feet.

---

[HEADS AND TAILS]

WAS in the Daisy Bell,

I met him, quite a swell,

His style, was very taking, and off hand,

"No thanks!" said he "I think

We'll toss up, for the drink,

I'm independent, as there's in the land!"

I tossed him, and I lost,

Said he "That was a frost,

I'll toss you now, a consolation toss,

I'll toss you, for a bob"

I lost! "I wouldn't rob"

Said he "I wouldn't see you, at a loss.

"By gum! here's what I'll do,

I'll toss you now for two,

It's double now, or quits, that we will try,"

Again I lost; 'twas queer,

Again, said he, "look here,

Your fortune, will be lifting by and by."

I thought that it must turn,

But soon I had to learn,

His way was rather taking, and off hand,

A goodly sum was due,

Said he "I've made off you,

Six quid, and sixteen tanners, you will stand,"

"Your double coin," said I,

"Has just now caught my eye,

And the dust, from your jacket, I must whack!"

His jacket, with malacca, I did crack!

His hide, was very taking, at the back!

---

[THE COLONEL AND THE COOK]

COLONEL I could love you,

With faithful heart," said she;

"But you are far too noble—

Too grand a man for me,

For you're Commander of the Horse,

And hardly could be higher,

While, I am only just a Cook,

Around the kitchen fire."

Said she "I could not marry you,

For you are all so grand;

I'd be a most unhappy wife—

The saddest in the land."

Said he, "I did not ask you;

But when I'm far from you,

And on the field of battle,

I'll see what I can do."

Said he, "I never thought of it,

And only now, I see—

Perhaps you are the woman,

Would suit to wed with me,

And that is just the cause of them—

The words, I said to you—

When on the field of battle,

I'll see what I can do."

The town, was all in tumult

Of women's wail alack!

For many a gallant soldier,

Would never more come back,

And even he (the Colonel)

Might fall—the first or last;

And that's the chiefest reason,

That Cook was weeping fast.

And tho' it was not proper,

To see the Colonel, look

With visage of dejection,

Upon a humble cook,

Yet nature won't be cheated,

Despite of high degree.

"Adieu; I'll come back worthy,

My love, to wed with thee."

And that is how they parted,

And those, the words he said:

And oft, when she was cooking,

It came into her head,

The promise he had uttered,

Of sweetest memory—

"Adieu; I'll come back worthy,

My love, to wed with thee."

She took a thought one morning,

And bought a copy-book;

Said she, I'll study pothooks,

They're suited for a cook.

I'll write his name, in roundhand,

A letter, I will send,

With the words "no more at present"—

My pet name, at the end.

She wrote his name, in roundhand,

A letter, she did send,

With "No more now at present,"

Her pet name, at the end.

But it never, never reached him,

And he did languish yet,

For the Cook, at home in Erin

He never could forget.

But lo! a taste for learning,

Is like a taste for drink,

While working on the pothooks,

She then began to think.

And thought, is like a snowball,

That gathers every turn;

She studied read-'em-easys,

While joints began to burn.

She studied, night and morning,

At languages, and paint,

At poetry, and musty prose,

And legends, old, and quaint.

She wrote a three-vol. novel,

And got a fancy price,

Became a photo beauty;

"Oh, this," quoth she, "is nice!"

She then appeared in drama,

While posing there, with grace

Of gauze, and limelight glowing

Upon her lovely face;

A common soldier, shouted

From the Olympian rail—

"O 'evans!" its my 'Arriet,

And turning deadly pale.

He darted for the stage door,

Her carriage grand, was there,

She was about to enter,

With all the fuss, and flare,

Of mashers buzzing round her;

And plunging forth, said he—

"I'm wot was once a Colonel, who went across the sea.

"Of course you must remember,

The words, I said to you—

'When on the field of battle,

I'd see what I could do.'

I never make a promise,

But to my word, I stick.

The man, who breaks his promise,

Is but a broken brick."

I'm wot was once a Colonel,

And for your love, I strove,

To be reduced, into the ranks,

For sake of you, my love;

I ran away in battle, I several times got drunk,

Was challenged to a duel, and purposely took funk.

They whittled my commission, into a major's rank,

And still I acted badly, and several times I drank,

I managed to get nibbled, down to a sergeant then

I stole a pint of whiskey, was put amongst the men.

"I've been all over Europe,

A lookin' out for you,

I have eschewed my grammar,

To prove my 'eart, was true;

I've parted with my surname,

That all might well combine,

Which now, I'm Private Miggins, of the Seventy-seventh Line.

"I've got a vulgar accent,

And vulgar sayin's too.

I drink, from common pewter.

It's all along of you,

And generally, my manners,

Are much about the styles,

You'll find amongst the manners,

Of the people of St. Giles.

"But here, I say, look, listen!

You have not acted straight,

But made us yet the victims,

Of a lobsided fate;

While I've been levellin' downwards,

To suit with your degree,

You've been, and gone, and levelled up,

Contrarywise to me.

"You had not ought to take me,

So short as this, I say;

You've worked a mean advantage,

While I was far away.

But still, we'll go to-morrow,

And make our love complete."

"Get out!" she cried, and vanished,

In her brougham, down the street.

---

THE SPIRIT THAT HELD HIM DOWN

H

A troubadour bedight,

Who lost himself, in a lonely wood,

An exceptional sort of night,

For the moon, was only beginning to wax,

And the clouds, were muggy, and black,

And there wasn't much chance, of finding his way,

To the trail, of the beaten track.

But troubadours, were stout and strong,

Of tough, and stubborn, stuff,

And took the rough, with the sleek, and smooth,

The smooth, with the rusty rough,

So up thro' the drift, of the hummocky ruck,

Of the clouds, he searched for a star,

To serenade, with the thringumy-thrang,

Of the thrum, of his new guitar.

The glint of one, thro' a galloping cloud,

He caught, and he screwed his wire,

And gave a twist, to its patent head,

And toned the catgut higher.

Then flung the cape of his cloak aside,

And in an æsthetic strain,

He pitched his voice, to the concert key,

And twanged on the strings amain.

But having expressed himself in song,

With a quivering verse or two,

His favourite string gave out, with a bang,

And stopped his impromptu.

He muttered a satire upon that string,

And sat on a bank, close by,

When he heard the trip of a female foot,

And lisp of a female sigh!

She was one of the guardians, of the piece

Of ground, that was round him there,

An ariel spirit in azure blue,

And fluffs of auburn hair,

That framed a very attractive face,

Of cream, and strawberry pink,

And she greeted the troubadour bedight,

With a captivating wink!

"O troubadour, what brings you here,

So lone and sad?" said she,

Just throw your guitar across your back,

And wander away with me.

I'll show you the fairy dells, of mine,

All tricked around with sheen,

Of glittering gold, and sparkling gems,

With electric lights between.

"I'm a single woman, and never was once

In love, with a man, till this!"

And then she stooped to his quivering lip,

Imprinting a dainty kiss.

"Why don't you get up out of that?" she cried,

And make no longer stay.

But a spirit within, still held him down,

In a magical sort of way.

"O troubadour, you're a suitable man,

To live in the woods with me,

We'll dance to the charms of elphin song,

Down under the greenwood tree."

And she coaxed him again, with a dainty kiss,

"Oh, sweetheart, come, be gay!"

But a spirit within, still held him down,

In a magical sort of way.

"I hope, that you don't imagine," said she,

"That I am a frivolous flirt,

I'm the woman, that's new, the fashion to-day,

With rational trunks, for skirt,

I can ride, on a bicycle, made for two,

Or 'tec out the sins of town,"

But all he could do, was give her a grin,

From the spirit that held him down!

He'd have given the world, to get up out of that,

But a tantalising sprite,

Had taken possession of him, you see,

In the early part of the night.

The fact of it is, that he couldn't get up,

If she gave him a kingly crown,

And all he could do, was give her a grin,

From the spirit, that held him down!

Twas woe! to see an attractive maid,

So slurred, by a knightly bard,

A misery this, for her plaint of love,

To be grinned at, snubbed, and marred!

Yet ever again, did she give him a kiss,

And a lingering, coaxing smile,

But the spirit within, still held him down,

In a magical sort of style!

"O come get up out of that!" she cried,

And gave his collar a shake,

With a kick in the ribs, that bustled him up,

And startled him wide awake!

And her raiment shrunk to the belted blue,

Of a burly man, said he,

"Yer out very late, in a dress like that,

So track it along with me."

"Get up out of that," the constable cried,

"And don't make no delay,"

But the spirit within, still held him down,

In a magical sort of way.

The spirit within, still held him down,

But the constable bent his back,

And hooshed him up, and carried him off,

At once to the beaten track.

The troubadour, came into the dock

Next day, in a crowded court,

And the rig of his garb, to the modern herd,

Was a source of evil sport.

But the modern beak had no romance,

And the sum of a couple of crown,

He fined the unfortunate troubadour,

For the spirit that held him down!

---

[HIS FUTURE STATE.]

I

With sad reflective mien,

A drowsing pathos, in his eye,

Tinged with a tint of green,

I sat him by "good friend" I said,

"Of pilgrims, the resort,

Is this a church?" "I wish it wor!"

Cried he, "It's Bow Street Court!"

And then again, I looked at him,

Once more, I spoke him kind,

"Thy far off gaze, doth indicate,

Some presence, on thy mind,

Some haunting thought, of grave import,

Connected with the fate,

Perchance, that thou, mayhap, may meet,

When in the future state.

O speak the burden of thy heart,

That I may note it down,"

"It be's I was a boozin', and

I'm fined a quid and crown,

My far off look, is for that fine,

To dodge the prison gate,

And warders' lock on fourteen days,

That quads my future state.

---

[A FIGHT IN THE PHŒNIX PARK]

MOST attractive lady, of middle class degree,

When in the Ranelagh Gardens, was thus addressed, as she

Beheld a man, she jilted, "Theresa Mary Jane,

You didn't think to see me back in town, so soon again;

It's most exasperating, that when my back I turn

You pace the Ranelagh Gardens, with cotton-ball O'Byrne."

The linen draper started, and with indignant shout,

Said he, "She loves me only, you ferule-fingered lout,

Your time you're only wasting, so take a thought, and spurn,

The idle hopes, that lure ye," said Mister Pat O'Byrne.

Just then up came a stranger, with bending courtesy,

He doffed his triple tilted, "Good-night, mam'selle," said he,

Then turning to O'Gorman, and then, to Pat O'Byrne,

"Ze manners of ze shentlemans, ze both of you should learn;

To wrangle round ze lady, I'm shames of you, by dam!

If ye don't know ze fencin' of ze duel, go, and cram,

Don't bring ze crowds around her, but mit ze mornin' lark,

Vash out in blood, ze quarrels all in ze Phœnix Park."

"I'm on," said Kit O'Gorman. "Begor, an' so am I,"

Said Pat O'Byrne. The lady, then gave a tender sigh,

She told them each, she loved him, and though her heart did bleed,

Expressed a wish, he'd combat on a small Arabian steed.

"The duel's getting prosy, invest it with a fling

Of tournamental glory, you'll find it's now the thing,

To gild, with knightly glamour, your daring feat of strife,

And he who kills the other, I'll be his wedded wife;

Till then I'm Queen of beauty," so spake that lady fair,

"I give you both a fortnight, that each may well prepare,

And then I'll send you chargers, on which to combat so"

(Her father dealt in horses), "now, sirs, good-night, and go."

The fix was fraught with danger, for each of those two men,

Existence is too precious, man can't be born again;

They ne'er had used a weapon, they never strode a horse,

It was extremely awkward, and couldn't well be worse.

So while O'Gorman practised with foil, and mask. O'Byrne,

Was in a circus riding, and then he took his turn,

Before a fencing-master, to guard, and thrust, and fool,

While Pat O'Gorman, cantered around a riding school.

At length the fencing-master, he says to Pat O'Byrne,

"You're perfect mit ze fencing, you've nodings more to learn."

The man who taught him riding, did compliment him too,

And Kit O'Gorman also had "nodings" more to do.

---

The fortnight was now over, the morning came at last,

The rising dawn, was ushered with snow, and biting blast,

As on the Fifteen Acres, all in the Phœnix Park,

The duellists were waiting the Arab steeds, when, hark!

They heard a distant braying, as 'twere a trump of brass,

'Twas followed by a donkey, and then a second ass,

Came guided by his halter, unto the fated spot,

Said Pat O'Byrne and O'Gorman, "O, powdhers, this is rot!"

But yet a queen of beauty was their's the prize to win.

"We better pause no longer, but instantly pitch in,"

Said Pat O'Byrne, and Gorman. They tossed for choice of ass,

And pick of blade, then wheeling, they faced upon the grass.

I was for Kit O'Gorman a second on that day,

To see the flashing rapiers, to hear the donkeys bray

Was sight and sound to think of, the sylvan haunts were rife

With echoes reverbrated from crash of deadly strife;

Up went each donkey backwards, while scintillating wales

Of flashing steels, were echoed, by lashing of their tails,

For lo! the fight was doubled, the skittish donkeys sought,

To variegate the contest, and capered round, and fought;

They gave no chance. The foemen, with awkward clink of steels,

Struck now and then, while skew-ways the donkeys fought with heels,—

'Twas six o'clock commencing, and now, the strokes of ten,

Were sounding from the city, and still these mounted men,

Had not received abrasion, a cut, a prod, or crack,

When both were somersaulted, from off each asses' back;

The weapons went in splinters, as on the frosty grass,

Each foeman sprawled a moment, and loudly cursed his ass.

The assmen, quickly bounded unto their feet again,

And watched the seconds, chasing the donkeys round the plain;

And when at length, we caught them, and brought them back once more,

With fits of indignation, the baffled foemen swore;

"Bad scran to it!" said Gorman, "O'Musha, yis bad scran"

Cried Pat O'Byrne, "It's not a fight, for any dacent man,

Four mortial hours we've struggled—an' I'm all in a sweat!"

Said Gorman "Pon me sowl, I got no chance to kill ye yet!"

"The fight has been protracted, and divil a thing is done,

I vote we go and tell her", said O'Byrne, "that it's no fun,

To fight, as we've been fighting. Tib's Eve might come, and go,

We'd still be found here fooling her donkeys thro' the snow."

---

They felt a queer foreboding of something, going down

Parkgate-street, on that morning, till journeyed back to town;

They sought the girl, to tell her the fix that they were in,

When a larky-looking servant in the hall, began to grin.

"She's not at home at present, but breakfast sure is laid,

She's gone off to be married," outspoke the sneering maid;

"Le Beau, the fencin'-master is now the blissful man;

You'll see them soon, they're comin' in a satin-lined sedan."

"O, blur-an-owns!" said Gorman, "O tear o'war," said Byrne,

MacHugh, the other second, and I got quite a turn!

The man, who heard them quarrel, in Ranelagh-walk that night,

Was Le Beau, the man who sent them to Phœnix Park to fight.

He taught them both in fencing, and yet they did not know,

That each, was being instructed by his rival, Mons. Le Beau.

They tied her pair of donkeys, unto her garden pier,

When from the topmost window, that servant shouted "Here,

A note she left to give you, for both of you to learn."

'Twas written: "Kit O'Gorman, and Mister Pat O'Byrne,

I've sent a couple of donkeys, I thought that they might teach

What fools you are, for fighting, for what's beyond your reach,

But, silly as my donkeys, if both of you remain,

Remorse for death, will follow,

I'm yours, Theresa Jane."

We sought a Pub, and pondered, and drank, and sadly swore,

We would not be connected, with duels evermore,

I drank of stout, O'Gorman, and Byrne, of harder stuff,

They swore of duel fooling, they both had quite enough,—

Now, here's the bunch of fives, boys, there is no better rod

To 'venge our wounded honour, than the weapons made by God!

---

[THE ABDICATED CROWN.]

He WAS jolly, round, and fat,

And with a bright top hat,

A chain beneath his burly bosom set,

In good old fashioned way,

Said he to me, "I say

Old boy, I have a thing that's to be met,

A pressing little debt,

The dunner has me set,

My pocket is unfurnished, to be let!

Five bob is all I ask,"

I 'sponded to the task,

That abdicated crown is debit yet!

---

[TEARS-IN-LAW]

I

'Tis woe! to see a strong man thus,

"O Reginald Fitz Alpine Smyke,

Why, wherefore, whence, this fuss?

O is she dead, thy wife? for that,

Alone can justify,

A bearded man to sob, and spring

The sentimental eye."

He raised his agonised brows,

With tears, all steaming hot,

"Ah woe!" cried he, "you think my wife

Is gone, alas! she's not,

This anniversary seven years,

My mother-in-law pegged out,

I never pass the day, without

A lamentating shout,

Her wealth is settled on my wife,

And thus for some I bid,

With wails of woe, I take on so,—

For every filial tear-in-law,

She stands a shining quid!"

I left him weeping up the stairs,

I met his wife below,

"I'll call," said I "another day,

Your husband takes on so,"

"And so he may take on," she said,

"His crocodiles may fall,

'Twill drain some water from his brain,

And do him good, that's all,

To-day in the domestic stocks,

He'll find a sudden fall!"

Alas! for poor Fitz Alpine Smyke,

His confidence was meant

For me alone, but she was there,

In slippers, on the scent!

Then came an action for divorce,

With all its quips, and cranks,

And nisi was the laws decree

That dropped him to the ranks,

And then he sought for many cribs,

The cribs he did not suit,

But he could well dissimulate,

So he became a mute,

His wife took the hymeneal bond

Again, and then she died,

And hired mutes with sorry mien,

Were by her coffin's side.

But when the funeral was o'er,

The widower he went

And greeted one of those—the mutes—

With feeling compliment,

He lightly pinched him by the crape

"O Mister Mute, I say,

I wish I could have wept the tears,

That you have dropped to-day!"

"Ah! me alack!" the mute exclaimed,

"My sorrow was sincere,

And were I not the ass I am,

We wouldn't both be here;

For I am he, Fitz Alpine Smyke,

Thro' tears, I let her slip,

And now by tears, I eke it out

In salary and tip."

---

[HE FOLLOWED THE FOX]

I FOLLOWED the fox, tally ho!
I followed the fox, with a go, by Joe!
As swift as a swallow, or crow,
Wo ho!
The ditch, is a cropper, hello!
I am in it! and out, and a show!
Am asked to the next, won't go!

---

[THE HONEST YOUNG CASHIER]

H E was a courteous manager—a Bosser of the Bank,

He filled the post of Chairman, and other seats of rank.

But he was never envied, his screw was almost nil—

Ten thousand pounds per annum, and chances from the till.

One day, when he was wiping his specks, thought he, "I hold,

I'm working all for nothing by a heap of solid gold.

I'll make of it a custom, a couple of months or so,

To leave the strong room open as in and out I go.

And fitfully in absence of mind, I'll drop my bunch

Of keys about, and leave them when going down for lunch.

The point of which is plainly, that on a certain night,

I'll seize on all the Bullion, and fix it out of sight.

I will not be suspected, I'll do whate'er I please,

For I have clinked the vintage with nobles and M.P.'s;

And though I know he's honest, I'll make it so appear,

That I will prove the robber, is the honest young cashier.

They'll pass a vote of censure, that I did leave behind,

My keys, and strong room open, but, pshaw! I need not mind.

'Twill come out on the trial, I'll make it sure and clear,

'Twas all of too much trust in the honest young cashier."

He left the strong room open; he left his keys about,

Upon his mantle-shelf, and desk, anon when he went out—

A custom not unnoticed by him, the young cashier,

Who got a stick of wax, and what he did with it is clear.

One night there was a darkness, like crape upon the land,

And such a gust and thunder, a man could hardly stand.

The tempest was so fearsome, that if you spoke in shouts,

'Twould only be a tangle of tipsy words and doubts.

'Twas on that gloomy evening, the honest young cashier,

Bespoke him to the manager, and "Sir," said he, "Look here,

The staff is nearly idle, and so I think you might

Excuse me now, I'm wanting to do a thing to-night?"

"Well, you may go and do it." He went, and down he stole

Into the lonely coal-hole, behind a lump of coal,

And trussed him like a hedgehog upon the slack till sure,

He heard the distant slamming, that closed the outer door.

Then stole him from the coal-hole, he stole him up the stairs,

He ambushed on the landing, for fear of unawares.

He stole into the strong-room, and stealing out his key,

He stole it to the keyhole, and opened cautiously.

He looted off that evening as much as he could hold,

'Twas close on half a million, and all in solid gold.

---

'Twas on that self-same evening the chairman thought 'twas right,

To work his own manœuvre, 'twas such a roughish night.

Three overcoats were on him, with pockets every side,

Ten carpet bags he carried, and all were deep and wide.

He also had a hatbox, and novel thought, and bright;

He stitched a row of stockings behind him out of sight,

He loaned a sealskin wallet, a whalebone gingham tent,

And through the garden gate he skid, and down the town he went.

He skirmished through the darkness, he skulked against the wind,

He spankled by some people, and left them all behind.

He slewed around a corner, and up the lane he slank,

And shuffled thro' the wicket of the courtyard of the Bank.

He ducked into the back door, and picking up the stair,

He sneaked into the strong room, and, heavens! what was there?

The iron door was open, and all the heap of gold

Was gone! He sank with horror, and to the floor he rolled.

And from beneath the tables and corners of the room,

Three coppers scrambled on him, like shadows of his doom.

They put him on his trial, and heedless of his rank,

He got an awful sentence, for robbing of the Bank.

It proves that men are mortal, the sequel I have here,

The bankers called a meeting, they called the young cashier.

Said they, "You have impressed us with great integritee,

We'll give the future management of all the Bank to thee."

They made a testimonial, and signed it every one,

'Twas cornered with the pictures of specious deeds he'd done;

And on the scroll in beauty, of art did there appear,

The tribute of their homage to the honest young cashier.

When you prepare for robbing, don't leave your keys about,

For fear a wax impression be taken while you're out;

And do not come in second, or it might be your doom

To chance upon three bobbies from the corners of the room.

---

[THE ROAD TO LONDON]

P

All the way, all the way,

Pretty maiden, why so gay,

On the road, to London?

"Will you give that rose to me?"

"That's the flower, of love," said she,

"I'll not give this rose to thee,

On the road, to London."

"I have got a love, and he,

Is a good heart, true to me,

'Tis for him, this rose you see,

On the road, to London."

"Where is now, that love?" asked he,

"He's away from me," cried she,

"But he'll soon return to me,

On the road, to London."

"Would you know him, an' he be

Waiting there, by yonder tree?"

"Aye would I, on land or sea,

Or the road, to London!"

"Then my sweetest, I am he,

Give that rose of love to me,

I have come, to greet with thee,

On the road, to London!"

Then he flung his cloak aside,

"I have come to make a bride,

Of the fairest, far and wide,

On the road, to London."

Then she laughed at him, and chaffed,

Unromantic, chaffed, and laughed;

Till he thought, that she was daft,

On the road, to London.

"No!" said she "That's not the way,

Parted lovers, meet to-day,

'Tis by note, or wire, they say

'On the road, to London.'

"So 'twere best, thou didst by flight,

Take thy footsteps, out of sight,

Lest my love, per fortune, might

Strike the road, to London!

"We've been having shrimps and tea,

He's a champion knock out; He

Could knock spots off you," said she,

On the road, to London.

"See! my spouse, from yonder gap,

Cometh like a thunder clap!"

"Ho! then here's for the first lap!

On the road, to London."

---

[ANTEDILUVIAN PAT O'TOOLE AND ALL HIS FLEET OF SAIL]

WHILE poking my umbrella into the cracks and crannies that serve to vary the monotonous setting of the stones of a certain Pyramid of Egypt, I scraped away a portion of mortar or cement, and was agreeably surprised, by discovering a roll, of what I fondly hoped might be a bundle of faded Bank of England notes; but on closer inspection, it proved to be a scroll of papyrus, thickly covered with curious hieroglyphics.

They throw a misty light on the history of the O'Tooles, for written in a strange mingling of blank verse, and ballad metre, they purport to give a correct version of the account of the Deluge; in which disaster, it appears that a worthy ancestor of the said family played a conspicuous, and important part.

An Addenda accounting for their presence in the pyramid is appended, and contains the plausible statement, that it was actually a descendant of the said O'Toole, who designed and built the tombs of the Pharoahs, and adopted this subtle means of sending his name down to these remote ages.

Some savants and Egyptologists will cavil at this startling information, but I happen to be in possession of a three cornered cypher that runs thro' the composition of their architecture, which will be of convincing merit, when I have time to issue the seven folio volumes, which I am not preparing at present, in connection with this important subject.

The opening line proves that the Ballad must have been composed at a much earlier period than that of the deluge.

'T

Of thruth at all in anything, before the world was dhrownded,

An' the people spoke in Irish, with a wonderful facility,

Before their undherstandin's wor be foreign tongues confounded,

It was just about this pariod of the fine ould anshint history

Of the murnful earth, that Pat O'Toole, the Irishman was born,

He gev the information,

In a noisy intimation

Of his presence, rather early, on a Whitsun Monday morn,

But it's not all out particular, or anything material,

To the thruth consarnin' all about the narrative I've spun,

The story of his birth, or the mirth

Upon this earth,

That shook his father's rafthers, with rousin' rounds of fun.

---

Whin Pat at last had come of age, It took a hundred years or so,

For then the men lived longer, and a minor wasn't free,

To slip out of the chancery,

An' from his legal infancy,

To come into his property,

Till the end of a century;

Well it was just about that time a floatin' big menagerie,

Was bein' built by Noah, in the exhibition thrade,—

He advertised, an' posted it, got editorial puffs on it,

Explainin' that 'twould be the best, that ever yet was made.

He had it pasted up on walls, dhrawn out in yalla, red, an' green,

A lion tamer too

Was dhrew,

In puce, an' royal blue,

A hairy bowld gorilla new,

He got from Mossoo Doo Shalloo,

An elephant with thrunk, hooroo!

The plaziozarus, and emu,

A wild hoopoo,

A cockatoo,

An' the boxin' kangaroo,

He had it hoarded round, away

From thim that didn't want to pay,

An' guarded all be polis, in a private public park,

He paid a man that cried "Hooray!"

In shouts you'd hear a mile away,

"Come in, an' see the menagerie, that's cotch for Noah's Ark,

Come look at the wild menagerie, before the flood of wet comes down,

For thin ye won't have time to see, ye'll all be dhrownded thin!

The glass is goin' down to-day

An' sure from far Americay,

A blizzard's on the thrack I hear, so lose no time, come in!"

Twas thin O'Toole, the Irishman, pushed wid his elbows thro' the crowd,

He dhropped his tanner, an' he wint into the show that day,

An' as he thrapsed along the decks, an' in the howld, an' up an' down,

He sudden got a pleasin' thought, an' thin he went away,

He kep' the saycret to himself, an' never towld a single sowl,

He kep' it dark, so there was none to budge, or tell the tale,

He wint to Father Mooney, an' he took the pledge agin' the drink,

An' in the sheds of his back yard, he built a fleet of sail,

He whistled as he worked, an' took a soothin' whiff of honest weed,—

That wasn't 'dultherated wid cabbage laves, or such,—

"I'll prove that Noah's out of it,"

He sung, an' took an airy fit

Of step dancin', "I'll make a hit, an' lave him on a crutch!"

He saw that Noah advertised, in notices around about,

He'd have to charge the passengers, to save them from the flood,

'Twas such a dirty selfish thrick, that nobody could stand to it;

But like a thrue born Irishman, siz Pat, siz he, "I could

Collect thim all,

Both great an' small,

An' won't give him a chance at all,

I'll spoil his speculation, an' I'll save thim from the flood!"

Wid that he wandhered round the world, an' gathered curiosities,

Of every sortins of the male, an' of the faymale kind,

An' thin embarked thim in his fleet, until he had them all complate,

He didn't lave a quadruped, or bird, or midge behind,

He kep' the saycret to himself, an' never wint upon the dhrink,

An' out of every pub, they missed his presence round the town,

Until the sky was gettin dark,

An' thin the hatches of the ark,

Wor overhauled by Noah, an' the wet kem peltin' down,

Thin Japhet, Shem, an' Ham, stood on the threshowld of their father's ark,

An' shouted to the thousands, that wor in the teemin' rain,

"Shut up yer umberellas quick, an' save yerselves for half-a-crown,

Ye'll never have a chance like this, in all yer lives again!

For if ye want to save yer wives,

Or if ye'd like to lave yer wives,

Or maybe wish to save yer lives!

It's half a crown, come in,

The world will all be dhrownded soon!

We know it be the risin' moon,

A wheel of mist is round her boys,

Come in, an' save yer skin!"

The charge was rather high, an' so they didn't get a sowl to go,

For thin the royal mint was low, an' everyone was poor,

"Ah! what's the use of bawlin' there?" siz Noah, from his aisy chair,

"Yer only blatherin to the air! come in an' hasp the door,"

Just thin the wathers risin' high, the people all began to cry,

An' scrambled to the places dhry, as fast as they could whail;

Whin all at once they seen a show, for from the distance down below,

Came Captain Pat O'Toole hooroo! an' all his fleet of sail!

He scattered life belts in the flood, an' empty casks, an' chunks of wood,

An' everything he possibly could, with nets, an' ropes, an' thongs

He dhragged thim in by hook, or crook, a tinker, king, a thramp or duke,

By fishin' line, or anchor fluke, an' several pairs of tongs,

The elephant loaned out his thrunk,

To male or faymale, in their funk

Of wather,—without whiskey,—dhrunk;

An' risin' thro' the wreck

Of the cowld deluge, teemin' round,

Giraffe, an' ostrich, scoured the ground,

An' every dhrownin' sowl they found,

They saved them by a neck!

For Pat was known, to bird, an' baste,

Of kindly heart, an' so a taste,

Of pleasin' gratitude they placed,

For help of Captain Pat,

While fore, an aft, an' every tack,

The captain scrambled like a black,—

With freight of men, his punts to pack—

In specks, an' bright top hat.

On larboard, or on starboard side, whatever dhrownin'

Crowds he spied, he dhragged them in wid wholesale pride,

As quick as jumpin' cat!

The blind an' lame, the short, an' tall, the wild, an' tame,

The great, an' small, wid tubs he came, an' saved them all,

The skinny, round, an' fat.

He didn't care,

At front or rare,

Or head or tail,

No matther where,

He didn't fail,

By skin, or hair,

Whin once he cotch a grip,

He hawled thim in with frightened howls, upon the decks, as thick as rowls;

Till all the world of livin' sowls, wor safe in every ship!!

He saved the King of Snookaroo, he had no trowsers on, its thrue,

But what is that to me or you? he saved him all the same,

There was no bigotry in Pat, an' in the bussel of the king,

He stuck a boat hook, with a spring, an' saved him all the same!

The Rooshan Bear he did not shirk, he cotch him on a three-pronged fork,

And wrastlin' with a furious Turk, he dumped thim on the deck,

The Chinese Emperor; he squat around a lamp, siz he to Pat,

"O Captain take me out of that,"

Pat scruffed him be the neck,

"O do not save the Jap he said,

He has no pigtail on his head,

The bad pernicious chap!"—But Pat hauled in the Jap.

Outside a public house, the sign was loaded with the muses nine,

They shouted "Pat ah! throw a line, we've all been on the dhrink,"

Siz Pat "Although I'll never brake the pledge meself, here, thry an' take

Howld of the teeth of this owld rake," and raked thim in like wink!

Three judges of a county coort, wor by the wathers taken short,

O throth, it must have been the sport, to see their dhreepin' wigs!

"Ketch on to this!" said Pat O'Toole, an' like a soft, good natured fool,

He flung a lawyer's 'lastic rule, an' dhragged thim in like pigs,

We'd all be innocent, in bliss, with ne'er a polis, but for this,

The judges shouted, "do not miss"—and dashed their dhreepin' wigs,

"O save the polismen!" they cried, "There's thirteen on a roof outside;"

An' with some knotted sthrips of hide, he mopped them in like pigs,

"Now ships ahoy!"

siz Pat, "We may

Put out to say,

Without delay,

An' while its day,

We'll start away,

Before the rising gale,"

Thin from a bog oak, three-legg'd stool,

He took the sun, with a two foot rule,

An' round the world, went Pat O'Toole,

An' all his fleet of sail!

'Twas on St. Swithin's day, the wet began, an' rained for forty days,

An' forty nights, it blundhered out the thunder, lift an' right,

Whin like a merricle it stopped, the sun came out, said Pat O'Toole,

"Hooroo! there's land ahoy! the tops of Wicklow are in sight!"

An' then he brought his ships around, an' dhropped a cargo everywhere,

In counthries where they'd propagate, an' where he thought they'd fit,

He made a present to the blacks, of lions and the tigers, and

The serpents and the monkeys, and such awkward perquisit,

He gev the Esquimaux, the bears, an' with the Rooshins, left a few,

An' dhropped a hungry wolf or two, to make the bargain square,

The mustang, and the buffaloe, the red man of the wilderness,

To bowld Amerikay he gev, an' still you'll find thim there,

To Hindoostan, the elephant, an' hippopotamus he gev,

The alligator, crocodile,

The simple vulture too,

The divil for Tasmania, the 'possum, an' the parakeet,

He brought out to Osthreelia, with the boundin' kangaroo.

He left the Isle of Man the last, an' gev a three-legged cat that passed

One day, beneath a fallin' mast, an' cut her tail in two!

The only thing he missed, in this regard of all the captain done,

He didn't save the Irish elk, 'twas dhrownded be the flood,

But still we can't find fault with him, he made it up to Erin, for

He didn't lave a reptile there, an' did a power of good.

But while the Captain, Pat O'Toole, was coastin' round, an' dhroppin' men,

An' elephants, an' butterflies, behind him in his thrack,

The ark with Noah, and his wife, an' childer, sthruck on Ararat,

An' sprung a leak, an' all at once, became a total wrack!

Whin Noah got his specks, an' saw by manes of different telegrams,

How Pat O'Toole had been at work, his heart within him sunk,

Siz he unto his Familee, "Let one of you's, sit up for me,"

Thin slipped around the corner, and he dhrank till he got dhrunk.

But Pat O'Toole, he always kep' the pledge, he took before the flood,

He lived for eighteen hundred years, a blameless sort of life,

And whin he died, the Hill of Howth was built up for his monument,

And Ireland's eye was modelled out, in memory of his wife.

---