LAWING AND JAWING
by Zora *[Handwritten: (Neale)] Hurston
TIME: Present
PLACE: Way cross Georgia
SCENE: Judge Dunfumy's Court.
PERSONS: Judge Dunfumy, Officer Simpson and another, Jemima
Flapcakes, Cliff Mullins, John Barnes, two lawyers,
a clerk, a pretty girl and her escort.
SETTING: Usual court-room arrangement, except that there is a
large red arrow pointing off-stage left, marked
"To Jail."
ACTION: At rise everybody is in place except the Judge. Suddenly the CLERK looks off-stage right and motions for everybody to rise. Enter the JUDGE. He wears a black cap and gown and has his gavel in his hand. The two POLICEMEN walk behind him holding up his gown. He mounts the bench and glares all about him before he seats himself. There is a PRETTY GIRL in the front row left, and he takes a good look at her, smiles, frowns at her escort. He motions the police to leave him and take their places with the spectators and he then raps vigorously with his gavel for order.
JUDGE
Hear! Hear! Court is set! My honor is on de bench. You moufy folks set
up!
(He glares at the boy with the pretty girl)
All right, Mr. Whistle-britches, just keep up dat jawing now and see
how much time I'll give you!
BOY
I wasn't talking, your honor.
JUDGE Well, quit looking so moufy. (to CLERK) Call de first case. And I warn each and all dat my honor is in bad humor dis mawnin'. I'd give a canary bird twenty years for peckin' at a elephant. (to CLERK) Bring 'em on.
CLERK
(Reading)
Cliff Mullins, charged with assault upon his wife with a weapon and
disturbing the peace.
(As CLIFF is led to the bar by the
officer, the JUDGE glares ferociously
at the prisoner. His wife, all
bandages, limps up to the bar at the
same time.)
JUDGE So youse one of dese hard-boiled wife-beaters, huh? Just a mean old woman-Jessie! If I don't lay a hearing on you, God's a gopher! Now what made you cut such a caper?
CLIFF
Judge, I didn't go hunt her. Saturday night I was down on Dearborn
Street in a nasty ditch *[Handwritten: nasty ditch crossed out in
pencil, (buffet flat)]—
JUDGE
A nasty ditch? *[Handwritten: A nasty ditch crossed out in pencil,
(Buffet flat)]
CLIFF
Aw, at Emma Hayles' house.
JUDGE
Oh, yes. Go on.
CLIFF Well, (Points thumb at wife) she come down dere and claim I took her money and she claimed I wuz spending it on Emma.
CLIFF'S WIFE
And dat's just whut he was doing, too, Judge.
CLIFF AW, she's tellin' a great big ole Georgia lie, Judge. I wasn't spendin' no money of her'n.
WOMAN Yes he was, Judge. There wasn't no money for him to git but mine. He ain't hit a lick of work since God been to Macon. Know whut he 'lowed when I worry him 'bout workin'? Says he wouldn't take a job wid de Careless Love Lumber Company, puttin' out whut make you do me lak you do, do, do.
JUDGE
So, you goes for a sweet-back, do you?
CLIFF
Naw suh, Judge. I'd be glad to work if I could find a job.
JUDGE
How long you been outa work?
CLIFF
Seventeen years—
JUDGE
Seventeen years?
(to woman)
You been takin' keer of dis man for seventeen years?
WOMAN Naw, but he been so mean to me, it seems lak seventeen years.
JUDGE
Now you tell me just where he hurt you.
WOMAN
Judge, tell you de truth, I'm hurt all over.
(Rubs her buttocks)
Fact is I'm cut.
JUDGE
Did you git cut in de fracas?
WOMAN
(feeling the back of her left thigh
below her buttocks)
Not in de fracas, Judge—just below it.
(She starts to show the JUDGE where
she has been cut. He motions to stop
her.)
JUDGE
Stop!
(to Officer Simpson)
Grab him. Put him in de shade.
CLIFF
Judge, I'm unguilty! I ain't laid de weight of my hand on her in malice.
You got me 'cused of murder and I ain't harmed a child.
JUDGE Lemme ast you something. Didn't you know dat all de women in dis town belongs to me? Beat my women and I'll stuff you in jail. 90 years. Take 'im away. (CLIFF is led off to jail. JUDGE looks angrily at the boy who is holding hands with the pretty girl) You runs me hot and I'm just dyin' to sit on yo' case. Whut you in here for?
BOY
Nothin'.
JUDGE
Well, whut you doin' in my court, you gater-faced rascal?
BOY My girl wanted to see whut was goin' on, so I brought her in.
JUDGE
Oh yeah!
(Smiles at GIRL)
She was usin' good sense to come see whut I'm doin', but how come you
come in here? You gointer have a hard time gittin' out.
BOY I ain't done a thing. I ain't never done nothin'. I'm just as clean as a fish, and he been bathin' all his life.
JUDGE You ain't done nothin', hunh? Well den youse guilty of vacancy. Grab 'im, Simpson, and search 'im—and if he got any concealed weapons, I'm gointer give 'im life-time and eight years mo'. (The OFFICER seizes the boy and frisks him. All he finds is a new deck of cards. The JUDGE looks at them in triumph.) Unh hunh! I knowed it, one of dese skin game jelly-beans. Robbin' hard workin' men out they money.
BOY
Judge, I ain't used 'em at all. See, dey's brand new.
JUDGE Well, den youse charged wid totin' concealed cards and attempt to gamble. Ten years at hard labor. Put him in de dark, Simpson, and throw de key away. (He looks at the girl and beams.) Don't you worry bout how you gointer git home. You gointer be took home right, 'cause I'm gointer take you myself. Bring on de next one, clerk.
CLERK Jemima Flap-Cakes, charged with illegal possession and sale of alcoholic liquors.
JUDGE (She is a fat, black, belligerent looking woman. JUDGE looks coldly at her.) Well, you heard whut he said. Is you guilty or unguilty? And I'm tellin' you right now dat you come up befo' me it's just like youse in church. You better have a strong determination, and you better tell a good experience.
JEMIMA
(Arms akimbo)
Yes, I sold it and I'll sell it again.
(snaps fingers and shakes hips)
How does ole booze-selling mama talk?
JUDGE
Yes, five thousand dollars and ten years in jail.
(Snaps fingers and shakes hips)
How does ole heavy fining papa talk?
(She is led away, shouting and
weeping)
CLERK
De Otis Blunt, charged wid stealin' a mule.
(LAWYER arises and comes forward with
the prisoner)
LAWYER
You can't convict this man. I'm here to represent him.
JUDGE
Yo' mouf might spout lak a coffee pot but I got a lawyer
(Looks at other lawyer)
dat kin beat your segastuatin'.
(Looks admiring at girl)
How am I chewin' my dictionary and minglin' my alphabets?
LAWYER
Well, I kin try, can't I?
JUDGE
Oh yeah, you kin try, but I kin see right now where he's gointer git all
de time dat God ever made dat ain't been used already. From now on.
(To LAWYER)
Go 'head, and spread yo' lungs all over Georgy, but he's goin' to jail!
Mules must be respected.
LAWYER
(Striking a pose at the bar)
Your Honor,
(Looks at the pretty girl)
Ladies and Gentlemen—
JUDGE
Never mind 'bout dat lady. You talk yo' chat to me.
LAWYER This is a clear case of syllogism! Again I say syllogism. My client is innocent because it was a dark night when they say he stole the mule and that's against all laws of syllogism. (JUDGE looks impressed and laughs)
JUDGE
Dat ole fool do know somethin' 'bout law.
LAWYER When George Washington was pleading de case of Marbury vs. Madison, what did he say? What did he say? Scintillate, scintillate, Globule orific. Fain would I fathom thy nature's specific. Loftily poised in ether capacious, strongly resembling a gem carbonacious. What did Abraham Lincoln say about mule-stealing? When torrid Phoebut refuses his presence and ceases to lamp with fierce incandescence, then you illumine the regions supernal, scintillate, scintillate, semper noctornal. Syllogism, again I say syllogism. (He takes his seat amid applause)
JUDGE
Man, youse a pleadin' fool. You knows yo' rules and by-laws.
OTHER LAWYER
Let me show my glory. Let me spread my habeas corpus.
JUDGE
'Tain't no use. Dis lawyer done convinced me.
OTHER LAWYER
But, lemme parade my material—
JUDGE
Parade yo' material anywhere you wants to exceptin' befo' me. Dis lil
girl wants to go home and I'm goin' with her and enjoy de consequences.
Court's adjourned.