The Young Maiden

by A. B. Muzzey

Now I am far from recommending a female to put on an unnatural reserve toward those she sees thus frequently; but let her recollect, that the mere fact of her interchanging so many thoughts and feelings with another, predisposes both to a more intimate connection. It is better, if the connection would be an improper one, to prevent such a consummation, by decided conduct in the outset, than by encouragements to induce an offer, you may feel compelled to accept. Are you much thrown by accident into the company of a particular gentleman? Be sure that your deportment toward him be not such as to mislead him, in regard to your estimate of his character. Avoid every thing that shall seem to make it a matter of course that you will marry him. Study his traits, and look on him in all respects precisely as you would on any other associate. Let it not be said by others that you are fated to marry a certain person, because you are so much in his society.

A young woman is often induced to marry a man for the sake of his Family Connections. They are, perhaps, wealthy, and have a high standing in society, on that account. Or, they are respected for their name and rank, as descendants of worthy ancestors. The friends deem it “a good match;” the alliance is desirable on many accounts. Who can think of rejecting overtures from so eligible a quarter? All this is said and done with much the same feelings as the crowned heads of the Old World negociate intermarriages with one another, in cold blood, and as a business transaction. If the parties are of about equal standing, as regards their relatives, it is called on each side, “marrying into a good family,” and what more can be desired?

Or, the lady may be raised in the world by connecting herself with a family superior, in fortune, or rank, to her own. To this surely, it will be said, no one can object. Were it not folly to lose so fine an opportunity of entering a renowned circle of relations? In Persia, the father first of all, selects a family, with whom he wishes to have his son connected. After this, he makes inquiries about the girl’s personal endowments. Is not something very like this often done in Christian lands? The leading question, in these cases, is, “What are the connections?” not, as it should be, the reverse of the practice in Persia, “Who and what is the individual particularly concerned?” The character, the principles, the disposition and heart of him, to whom a lady consigns her whole destiny, are thus actually put out of view, for the sake of his family! One may see, daily, alliances between individuals who come together evidently on account of their kindred alone; and who, for any congruity of disposition, or fitness of traits, might as well, like the English nobility, have been betrothed in their cradles.

Many females marry for Personal Distinction. A gentleman is eminent in the political world, or as an author and scholar, or in military fame, or for skill and success in his calling; or he shines in fashionable society. The origin of this practice may sometimes be found in early education. The parents are ambitious of elevating their daughter by marriage. They awaken in her hopes and expectations above her condition in life. They teach her, by their conversation and deportment, if not directly, that her “being’s end and aim” is to rise in the world.

The cases are frequent, in which a girl is encouraged to receive the addresses of one, who is deficient in almost every quality requisite in a good husband, merely because he is “a great man.” A writer observes that “love is our first toy, our second, display.” But here this is completely reversed. Display is the first toy; as for love, that is an inferior consideration. You shall see a young woman led to barter herself to a man who is ignorant, proud, selfish, and unkind. “Let the person,” says one, “be blind, lame, deformed, diseased, severe, morose, vicious, old, or good for nothing, if the parents can but a little advance their daughter above the quality or condition themselves have lived in, the poor child must be made a living sacrifice, and probably know no more happy days after the solemnization of her nuptials.” We are told that in Naples, it is not uncommon for a nobleman of decayed fortune, to send his daughters to a nunnery, because his means will not enable him to educate them for marriage in the highest circles of society. The recent tragedy enacted in the city of Philadelphia, was a mournful illustration of the dangers of parental ambition. A father had toiled for years, to amass wealth for the purpose of introducing his daughter to society in England, and elevating her to a high station in that land. She married contrary to his wishes, and in his fiend-like disappointment, wrought up to insanity, he actually murdered the victim of his rage, his own child. Why will parents thus attempt to coerce the chainless affections? Why should so many females consent to marry the objects of their aversion, nay, sometimes, of their disgust, for the sake of a name?

Woman has been known to marry from the love of Conquest, and the desire to rule. The female heart is susceptible of the love of power, and one may seek, or consent to join herself to, a husband, for the sake of having a subject, over whom continually to reign. We are told that Madam Gamarra, the wife of the President of Peru, is a “female Bonaparte, and though her husband is nominally the head of the republic, she is the real sovereign.” How many smaller empires exhibit the same unnatural picture. It is in vain to say that the wife is the more capable of the two. This by no means exonerates her from blame, who deliberately entered the marriage state with so little respect for her companion, as to cherish a determined purpose of lording it over him, as her inferior.

Ambition of power is always a dangerous principle of conduct. She who consents to marry another, without love, esteem, or respect for him, and merely to queen it over his life, can hardly possess the Christian temper. She is assuredly destitute of that chief grace of her sex, deep and sincere affection. Mrs. Phelps says, on this subject, that “Submission and obedience belong to everything in the Universe, except the Great Master of the whole. It is a law, that support and protection demand obedience. Hence, the child is bound to yield this tribute to its parent, and the people to the laws, and the wife to the husband.” This doctrine, although advanced by a female, is likely to meet with some remonstrance at this day. Yet surely, none will contend that the reverse of it, is a true one, that, contrary to the affirmation of Scripture, “the woman is the head of the man.” Let the maiden turn from such thoughts in her earliest days.

“Now let a true ambition rise, And ardor fire her breast, To reign in worlds above the skies, In Heavenly glories drest.”

Some ladies exchange their single condition, in the hope of escaping thereby the Toils and Cares of life. They picture to themselves the felicity of having one constantly devoted to the supply of their wants, and waiting to gratify their every wish. This looks all exceedingly captivating, in prospect. They expect from their friend not only the same attentions as he rendered during their engagement, but an increased service, from his being ever near them and having nothing but their happiness to occupy him.

But can a lady anticipate these rivers of ease and pleasure, without securing the respect of her husband? No one, who reflects for a moment on the future, can do this. Does our friend expect the idolatry of her husband? She must recollect that “No respect,”—and, of course, no love,—“is lasting, but that which is produced by our being in some degree useful to those who pay it.” No age ever erected altars to gods destitute of good qualities. She, who would be worshipped in the heart of her bosom companion, can secure this homage only by deserving it through exertion. Married life must be one of care and toil. Let no female delude herself by imagining it to be otherwise. It brings, where hearts are wedded, as well as hands, joys and supports far more than sufficient to lighten its burdens. But burdens let none think to shun in it.