The alternative for thousands of couples is not merely the cessation of sexual intimacy, but also abstinence from all the endearing intimacies which are natural and spontaneous in married life. They must not only sleep apart, but in many ways live apart. And this not only means pain of heart such as would take a very great deal to justify it, but also often leads to serious nervous trouble because of the strain which it involves. I have insisted again and again in these pages that continence is perfectly possible for unmarried men. But continence for a man living in the same house with a woman whom he loves, and with whom he has had experience of sexual intimacy, is a very different thing. It is possible for some—perhaps for many, and without serious loss. But for many others it is not possible except on terms which lead to serious nervous trouble. And for such persons, and on the terms I have indicated, I believe conception control to be the better way.
As to how that control should be achieved I have no special fitness to speak. I would advise any couple, faced by the problem, to consult some doctor of repute till they understand the matter, and then to find out for themselves what is for them the right course to adopt.
I know that for some people what is called the sublimation of sexual desire provides a successful way of dealing with the situation. They find themselves able without any emotional loss to divert to other directions and uses the energy of their sex natures. But it is a mistake to imagine that what is possible for one couple is necessarily possible for all. Attempts at sublimation often result in mere repression, and on the heels of that come serious troubles.
CHAPTER XI
UNHAPPY MARRIAGES
A good deal has already been said in these pages about the causes of failure in marriage, but I feel that a more definite dealing with the problem of unhappy marriages is called for.
I do not recognize any problem in those cases where marriage has not been based upon love. When a man or a woman marries for financial reasons, or out of a desire for a certain place in society, or because of a mere desire to settle down in life, then he or she runs an enormous risk, and there is nothing to be surprised at if trouble follows. So close an intimacy as marriage involves is really only tolerable when love constantly supplies reasons for patience, generosity and forgiveness. In fact by marrying for any other reason than love men and women only make the permanent and inevitable problems of life a great deal harder to solve. And a human life does always involve a problem either in or out of marriage. Life is a complex and perplexing business.
But if it be true that many marriages begin with intense love and yet after some time turn out unhappily, then a very real problem is presented to our minds, and probably what I have already said about the wonder of sex love, and its harmonizing influence on personalities, has accentuated that problem for some of my readers. There are many wives who once loved their husbands intensely, but who are now laboriously learning to endure them. There are many husbands who felt that they had attained to all that they longed for when they married, but who now are almost giving up in despair the task of living even peaceably with their wives. Many such people are heard declaring that love is the arch deceiver of the world, and that its power only lasts during a few short hours in the morning of life. For many the early and wonderful days of marriage remain only as a tormenting memory, so entirely has the color faded out of their lives. And I know that the pain of such situations is so intense that I would fain speak of them only with consideration and sympathy.
But none the less the broad fact has to be stated that in such cases it is not marriage that has failed but the people involved in marriage. There is nothing in the whole of life so beautiful or so holy but that it can be spoilt when mishandled, and love is no exception to this. I believe love is always felt as a call to unselfishness, but it is a call that can be resisted. And when it is resisted and two selfish people find themselves tied together for life, all the conditions of misery are present. Selfish people are nearly always unhappy people, and two unhappy people certainly cannot make a happy marriage.
And yet these generalities do not carry us very far. Unless we can discover in further detail why marriages fail, these things were better left unsaid. I believe, however, we can discover many of the reasons.