“‘Very well, I will be a gentleman; I won’t be a girl.’
“Indeed, my childhood was embittered by the idea that I was a girl and could never become a man. I never went to children’s parties; I was always with grown-up people, officers, and lovers of the chase, and at eight years of age I was no bad match for some of them on horseback. When my nurse acknowledged she had lost all control over me, a tutor was engaged—yes, a tutor: don’t be surprised. Sir John had never either announced the death of his son or the birth of a daughter to his relations in England. For this reason I was isolated from my own sex, and even learned to regard it with somewhat of an aversion, owing to the conversation of Sir John and Dr. Darkins. I profited by such training, though perhaps not exactly as they desired, for I hated a lie, and my chief desire was to show myself such as I was, proud and frank in all my dealings with men. I am convinced grandfather had no hand in this plot, but he was too weak to speak out and set his face against it. Sometimes, however, he gave me needlework to do, and he had a strong aversion to Dr. Darkins. Disputes arose between him and Sir John, and he shortly after moved to another garrison, taking Rolf with him. When I was close upon my fourteenth year, Dr. Darkins was suddenly cashiered, and it was announced to me that I should be sent to an aristocratic ladies’ boarding-school. There I played all sorts of pranks, smoked like a grenadier, and had always a supply of extra-fine cigarettes wherewith to tempt my schoolfellows.
“The cause of this great change in my life was brought about in this way. Aunt Ellen, a sister of my father’s, had come over to Scheveningen with her husband for the bathing season, and thence she made a flying visit to see her brother, taking everybody by surprise—nobody more so than Sir John himself.
“‘Francis must be a big boy now; what are you going to make of him?’ I heard her ask my father.
“‘There’s nothing to be made of him,’ my father answered angrily in his embarrassment, ‘for Francis is only a girl. The eldest child, a son, is dead. I have only this one.’
“‘John, John,’ cried the lady reproachfully, ‘the whole family believed you had a son, and you have done nothing to undeceive us; and the old baronet, who pays you the yearly income set apart for his heir, is expecting to see you both in England very soon. What do you mean by it? Have you acted like a gentleman?’
“Papa lisped something about ‘absolute necessity,’ and seemed anxious to induce her to co-operate in his schemes. The proud lady burst forth in indignation—
“‘Can you imagine I would become a party to such deception?’
“Sir John, to relieve his disappointment, uttered his usual oath, and ordered me out of the room, as he now perceived I was listening with all my ears.
“I obeyed very unwillingly, and not until I had spoken to Aunt Ellen. He ordered me to hold my tongue, and there was a mingling of menace, of anxiety, and embarrassment in his looks which drove me sheer out of the room. I had never seen him look like that before. What passed between them I cannot say. Aunt Ellen afterwards gave me fifty pounds, and promised to make me that yearly allowance if my conduct was satisfactory at school. I told her I hated girls’ schools, and that I should much prefer going to England with Dr. Darkins, as had been promised me.