O, new Father, what a sweet Delight and Pleasure you must needs have in reviewing this great List of your Gossips! What multiplicities of wishes of joy and prosperity have you to expect! But if I were to be your Counsellor, I assure you I would order the Nurse to desire Doctor Toss-bowl, my Lord Drinkfirst and then the other Gentlemen, to wit, Masters Cleardrinker, Dryliver, Spillnot, Sup-up, Seldom-sober, and Shift-gut, to fetch home their Wives in good time from the Gossipping; because you have other mens Wives, who are your near relations, that you must entertain longer; and they otherwise will never think of rising or going home though it were midnight: And by this means you will have a fit opportunity, with a full Bowl and a Pipe, to wash away that rammish sent of a Child-bed out of your brains; and also after many hopes, once arrive to the height of receiving your full delight and pleasure. And then you may e'en clap it all together upon the account of a Lying-in.
Now Nurse, here you have work by whole hand-fulls: for you shall no sooner have made an end of your other errands, but immediately there's so much tricking and pricking of all things up in neat order against the coming of the sharp-sighted guests; that it's a terror to think on't. Their eys will fly into every nook and corner; nay the very house of Office must be extraordinary neat and clean; for Mistris Foul-arse, Gossip Order-all, and Goody Dirty-buttocks, will be peeping into every crevise and cranny: And because they will do it forsooth, according to their fashion, they make a shew as if they must go to the necessary Chamber, with a Letter to Gravesend, only to take an inspection whether it be as cleanly there as it is upon the Gossipping Chamber where all the Guests are. And 'tis a wonder if they do not look into the Seat, to see whether there be no Spyders webs spun in it; or whether the Goldfinders Merchandize be of a good colour, equal-size and thickness.
But come let's pass all this by: for in the middle of these incumbrances, the time will not only fly away; but we shall, at the hour appointed, be surprized by our Guests. Uds life, how busie the Wet and Dry-Nurses are with dressing the Babe neatly. Now Father, look once upon your Child! O pretty thing! O sweet-fac'd dainty darling! 'tis Father's own picture! Well what would not one undergo to be the Mother of so fine an Angel! And who can or dare doubt any thing of it, for the Mother loves it, and the Father beleeves it, nay and all the friends that come tumbling in one upon another to-day, do confirm it: For behold, every one looks earnestly at the Babe; and doth not a little commend his prettiness. One saith it is as like the Father (alias Daddy) as one drop of Water is like another. Another, that the upper part of the face, forehead, eys and nose incline very much to be like the mother; but downwards it is every bit the Father. And who forsooth should not beleeve it, if it be a son. Every one is in an admiration. O me, what a pretty sweet Infant! Nurse, you have drest it up most curiously! And truly there's no cost spar'd for the having very rich laces.
Thus they ly and tamper upon this first string, till the Child-bed woman begins to enter upon the relating what great pain in travell she had to fetch this Child out of the Parsly-bed, what a difference there was between her, and others of her acquaintance, &c. Thereout every one hath so much matter, as would make a long-winded sermon; and the conclusion generally is the relating how and when the good man crept to bed to her again; and how such a one had been a fortnight with Child, before she went to receive her churching. Where upon another comes with a full-mouth'd confession, that her husband was not half so hot.
Do but tarry a little yet, till the Gossipping-bowl hath gone once or twice more about with old Hock; then you'l hear these Parrots tell you other sorts of tales.
In the mean while, do but see the husband, poor Nicholas None-eys how he rejoyces, that his wife is so reasonable strong again; and that she is so neatly trickt up sitting in state in the best furnished room, by the bed-side! O what a pleasure this is! O how he treats all the women with delicate Marget Ale, and Sack and Sugar! [unless he begin to bethink himself, and for respects sake or frugality, sets some bottles aside; because he perceives it to be nothing else but a vast expence and womens Apish tricks]. How busie he is in carving for them of his Roast-beef, Capons, Turkey-py, Neats-tongue, or some other savoury bit to make their mouths relish their liquor the better; and then stand fast Bowls and glasses for they resolve not to flinch from it. And indeed why should he not? for he is now a whole estate richer then he was before; and what need he care for it then.
Well behold here! Now the womens mouths are a beginning to be first a little warm; and none of them all can be silent, though they should speak of their own Commodities.
O how happy would you be, O Goodman Cully, if you had but as many ears as Argus had eys, that you might hear every where, whilest you are carving and serving of them, what pretty sweet stories and discourses, these sorts of Parrats will be talking of? For Mistris Sharp-set relates, what a pleasure she oft times received in it, to keep School-time with her husband at noons, as soon as they had feasted their carkasses well: but that conning of her lesson had caused her severall times to make a journy to the Parsly-bed.
At this Mistris Sincere wonders extreamly; saying how strangely these things happen to one woman more then another. In our Parish there is a married woman brought to bed, but she was so miserably handled by the Midwife, that no tongue can express it. Insomuch that Master Peepin the Man Midwife, was fain to be fetcht, to assist with his Instrument; it was a very great wonder that the woman ever escaped it; which is most lamentable indeed to be related; and too sad indeed to be placed by me among the Pleasures of Marriage.
In the mean time, at the t'other end of the Chamber, Mistris Fairtail relates a pretty story how their Maid was very curiously stitcht up by their Tailor; and how she was every foot running thither, then to have a hole finely drawn that she had torn in her Petti-coat, another while to have her Bodice made a little wider, and then again to have her stockins soled.