Well, I'l vow, saith Master Crossgrain, that's a very notable relation; it is better a great deal that the business happen so, then like another, which is just contrary, that I shall make mention of to you.
Barebeard and Mally, who by a sudden accident, without much wooing, were gotten together, and their first Bane of matrimony was published; but falling out, they called one another all the names that they could reap together; nay it run so high, that they would discharge each other of their promises, and resolved to go to the Bishop & crave that they might have liberty to forbid the Banes themselves, which hapned so.
Barebeard coming then with Mall before his Grace, complained that he did already perceive his intended marriage would never come to a good event, because he found perfectly that this Maid was a lumpish Jade, a nasty Slut, a Scolding, bawling Carrion, & a restless peece of mortality. Therefore it might go as it would, he did not care for the Maid, neither would he marry her, and for those reasons, he desired his Grace to grant that the Banes might be forbidden; as thinking it much better for him to quit her betimes, before it was too late. She on the t'other side said, that he was one that run gadding along the streets at all hours of the night, a private drunken beast, a Spend-thrift, &c. so that she did not care for him neither. Whereupon his Grace smiling told them, well you fellow and wench; do you think that we do here so give and take away the consent of marriage? perhaps when you are married, it may be much better, for the marriage bed doth for the most part change the ten sences into five. But she answered, may it please your Grace, he is no such man to do that, for all that he can do is only to-follow his own round-head-like stiff-neckedness, and e'en nothing else. Whereupon he again answered, may it please your Grace, I have no mind ever to try it with such a creature as she is; I should be then fast enough bound to her; neither would I willingly go alive headlong to the Devil, to take my habitation in Hell.
The Bishop thus perceiving that no good thread could be spun of such sort of Flax, caused the Banes to be forbidden. Then said Barebeard, may it please your Grace, am I not a freeman, & may I not marry with whom I please, or have a mind to? to which his Grace answered, yes. Presently Barebeard thrusting his head out at the dore, calls out aloud, Peg do you come hither now; and begged that his Grace would be pleased to give him leave to marry with this person. Which Mall seeing she cries out, you Rogue, you have been too cunning for me in this; if I had the least thoughts on't, I would have had my Hal to have tarried for me at this dore, instead of tarrying for me at another place. Whereupon his Grace, being in great ire, chid them most shrewdly, giving them such strong reproofs, that at first it might very well be imagined that he would never have admitted of a second consent; yet afterwards upon considerations it was granted. But Barebeard being now married with Peg, they got no children: And Mall being married to Hal, they had both a Son and a Daughter at one birth. By which its easie to be observed what acquaintance Mall had made with Barebeard before hand, & why she would rather marry with Hall then with him.
To this again Mistris Sweetmouth relates, that she had been several times invited to Mistris Braves labour; and that she had been twice brought to bed very happily of two delicate twins. And in the last encounter, for a recompence of the affection of her Beloved, she presented him with two lustly and gallant boys; but because she would equally balance his great bounty; the Midwife takes the same walk again for another, and finding in what condition things stood, she calls for a bason of warm water, bringing out at last a most delicate pretty daughter, that was yet poor thing wrapt up in the Cawl. Which she immediately laid into the warm water, and shewed unto them all the wonderfull works of nature; for there they could see it move and stir, as if it had been in its Mothers glass Bottle; but the skin being just cut open with a small hole, it begun presently to make a little noise like a weak childish voice, which indeed was very rare & pleasant to be seen. In truth, such a Father, who can cast every time such high doubblets, may very well be called by the name of Brave.
But this Story was hardly told before Mistris Tittle-tattle pursued it with another out of the same Text, saying, A little more then two years ago I was at a Gossipping by Mistris Gay, who was then brought to bed both of a Son and a Daughter, also at one birth; but indeed the Labour came so violently upon her, that as she was standing upon the stairs, not being able to set one foot further; and having neither Midwife, nor any other women of her neighbors and friends, only the assistance of her husband and the Maid; she was immediately delivered of two gallant Children; but they did not live long.
Upon my word, said Mistris Bounce-about, it is an excellent help when men understand their travelling upon such sort of roads. It hapned to me once that some Gentlewomen were merry with me somewhat late in the evening; and because I had had several Symptoms of Labour, said this, Mistris Bounce-about, if you would now take a walk to the Parsley bed, we would help you very bravely; but neither wind nor weather was serviceable at that time. But they had hardly been gone an hour, and being in bed with my husband, and he very fast asleep; before there begun such an alteration of the weather; that my husband must up with all speed, who wakened the Maid, and sent her for the Midwife laying on fire himself in all hast; yet do all what they could, within less then a quarter of an hour, and that without any bodies help but my husbands, my journy was performed; but things were done with such a confusion; that he received the child in the Christning cloath instead of the Blanket.
And a thousand more such stories as these are ript up; that would burthen the strongest memory to bear them: and so much the more, because it is impossible to distinguish one from the t'other, when the men and the women that gabble so one among another. And oft-times they spin such course threads of bawdery in their talk, that are enough to spoil a whole web of linnen. And who can tell but that their tattling would last a whole night, for there's hardly one of them who hath not at the least a hundred in their Budgets; but because it is high time that either the Dry or Wet-Nurse must go to swathe the child, they begin to break off and shorten their prittle-prattle.
Now young Father, do but observe what fine airy complements will be presented to you at their parting. Every one thanks you for your kind and cordial entertainment, and not one of them forgets to wish that you may the next year either have a Daughter to your Son, or a Son to your Daughter; imagining then that all things is well, when you receive such a full crop: But I am most apt to beleeve that all their wishes aim at the But of coming next year again to the Gossips Feast, to toss up the Gossips-bowl, and in telling of a bobbinjo story they peep into all nooks and corners.
Well, O new Father, this Pleasure begins to come to a conclusion; but prithee tell me, would not a body wish for the getting of such another, that his Wife might make a journy to the Parsly-bed twice a year?