Many women, who are sick of this liquorish and sweet-tooth'd disease, will be grumbling very much at this, that such a blame and scandal should be cast upon their innocent sex; and say that Batchelors hereby will be afraid to marry; But if they, and the Gentlewomen that were in private domineering together, had not gone to Confession, and made a publick relation of it, who would have known it. Therefore this sort of well treated female Guests, are like unto those that when they have gotten a delicate bit by the by, cannot fare well but they must cry roast-meat, though they should be beaten with the spit for it.
But the good ones, though they are thin sown, who are not distempered with this evil, never trouble themselves at what one will say, or another write concerning women, because their guiltless consciences, serves them as well as a thousand witnesses; and they are very indifferent whether that the deceased scandal raiser Hippolitus do arise, and come into the World again; daring him in this manner
Surge then Hippolytus, out from thy Ghostly nest:
Who scandal least esteem, revenge themselves the best.
Yet howsoever though this is true, nevertheless I must furnish the delicate stomackt Ladies with some sort of weapons, that they may be in a posture of defending themselves against their vituperous enemies: For verily there are several men that walk not so even and neat in their waies as they ought to do; and who knows, whether our Mistresses dearly Beloved, at this very present, doth not as many others have done; who when they are travelling any whither, the first thing they do, is to be very diligent, and look earnestly about, whether there be not some handsom Gentlewoman that travels with them, by whom they very courteously take place, shewing themselves mightily humble and complacent, and telling them that they are Batchelors or at the least Widowers; then casting out a discourse of playing a game at Cards, that they may the better see what mettle the Lady is made of, and then again when they come to a Baiting-place, or where they must stay the night over, there they domineer lustily with them, and play the part of a Rodomontade. Where many times more is acted and spent, then they dare either tell their Wives, or their father Confessors of.
Others there are, who seek not so much such company, but very artificially before hand, know how to find out such Fellow-travellers as most suit with their own humour; to that end providing themselves with some Bottles of Canary, and pure Spanish Tobacco; and where ever they come are sure to make choice of the best Inn, where there's a good Table, delicate Wine, (and a handsom Wench) to be had.
Certainly, if the Husband thus one way, and his Wife another, know how to find out the Pleasures of Marriage, they are then both of them happy to the utmost. Is it not possible, but that they might, if this continued long, take a journy, for pleasure, to Brokers-Hall? For at first it was by them esteem'd too mean a place to be look'd upon, and not worth their thinking of: but then its probable it may come into their considerations, by reason that rents are low there, provisions very cheap, and pleasures in abundance; neither hath Pride or Ambition taken any habitation there. Nay, who knows but that they might chance to observe that there is no such need of feasting and junketting; nor be subject to so many visits, because there dwells not such a number of their friends and acquaintance: and besides all this, you may there, for a small matter, agree with the Collectors of the Excises, so that, for a whole year, you may have Wine, and severall other things plenty, for little or nothing.
But let's lay aside all this, because they are untimely cogitations, that fly astray; and it is much decenter that we turn again to our kind-hearted Mistriss, with her merry companions; who now, are about the taking leave of each other; using, to shew their gratitude, whole bundles full of complements; offering them up with an inexpressible amiablenes and eloquency for the respect and honour they have received; and confirm them with so many kisses, cursies, bows and conges, that it is easie to be perceived, that on both sides its cordially meant. And Doll, that good and faithfull servant, is not able to express how pleasing this entertainment hath been to all the company. Nay, it lies buzzing her so in the pate, that she cannot be at quiet in a morning, whilest her Mistriss is asleep, but she must, with the Neighbors Maids, either at the opening of the Shop, or sweeping of the street, be tatling and telling of it to them; putting, every foot, into their hands privately, some Almonds and Raisins, that came in by leger de main: Relating unto them, as if she did it by a scrole, what a horrible quantity of things she hath to scour and wash, that must be made clean, and set in order, against the time that the Bridemaids, as it was mentioned, are to come again alone; and so much the more, because her Master is daily expected home. Who then finally coming in, is not ordinarily welcomed, for she is so full of joy that her husband is come home, that both her tongue and actions are incapable of demonstrating her felicity; and he on the t'other side, is so glad to find his dearly Beloved in good health, and all things in decent order, that it is beyond imagination.
All this while they both laugh in their sleeves, that each one, in th'absence of the t'other, hath taken to themselves such a private an cunning pleasure. Finding so much content and injoiment therein, that they both hope to serve themselves again with the like occasion. O mighty Pleasure of Marriage! Who would not but be invited to go into this estate? Especially if we proceeded to write down and rehearse the further Confession of the separate Pleasures of Man and Wife, which is preserved as matter for the insuing Fifth and Sixth Pleasure.
