The Clean Heart

by A. S. M. Hutchinson

I

Not to know—in no way to be prevailed upon in this his return to life by knowledge of whether she lives or has died. In no way to be strengthened—but of himself to live—if life has been permitted her; in no way to be shaken if her life has been required. To be judged apart from her....

Come with this Mr. Wriford while for a year he thus places in proof his acceptance. He takes up his life where on his flight from London he had left it. To do that—not to admit his every impulse which calls upon him to hide, to live in seclusion, and there dwell with his memories, cherish his affliction—is part of his bond pledged by her bedside. The secret of happiness has been purchased for him; let him not mock that which has been paid. He has the secret; let him exercise it. Abandonment to grief—what is that but pity of self? Life in retreat, unable to face the world—what is that but admission that his fate, that which affects himself, is harder than he can bear?

Bound up in this, he takes train immediately from Whitecliffe to London, presently is involved in all the tortures that his welcoming inflicts upon him. His return is made a sensation of the hour by his friends and soon, as he finds, by that larger circle to whom his books have made him known. "Where have you been?" It is a question to which he seems to have to spend every hour of all his days in formulating some kind of answer. It is a question—and all the congratulation and felicitation that goes with it—that often he tells himself he can no longer stand and must escape. "Where have you been?" and all the while it is at Whitecliffe—in that room, among those scenes—that his heart is, and that he desires only to be left alone to keep there. But he does not escape. But he does not keep himself alone. It is self that bids him. It is self he has come out to know and face. He forces himself to see with the eyes of those that do them the kindnesses that are done him. He makes himself respond. He permits himself no shrinking.

He revisits Mr. and Mrs. Filmer. They have "got along very well without him," they tell him.

"I am bound to say," says Mrs. Filmer, "that at the time we thought your conduct showed very little consideration for us. I am bound to say that."

"A mere postcard," says Mr. Filmer, "can relieve much suspense; but one does not of course always think of duties to others, h'm, ha."

"Well, that's just what I am here to think of," Mr. Wriford responds. "Is there anything I can do? Anything you want?"

There is nothing, as it appears, except a manifestation of fear that he proposes to upset the establishment by quartering himself upon them, relief from which expands them somewhat, and they proceed with the news that two of the boys, his nephews, are on their way home on leave.

The boys come, and in their affairs and in their interests he finds better response to the "Anything I can do?" than was received from the Filmers. Till their arrival he has had, in seclusion of his rooms, intervals when he can retreat within his thoughts. There is a holiday home to be made for them, and he takes a flat and occupies himself with them, and these intervals are denied him. The young men are here to have a good time. There are their eyes for him to see with—not his own. He has a trick, they both notice it, of saying: "Well, tell me just how you look at the business." It is a trick that is expressed also in his manner, in a certain inviting, sympathetic way that he has, and it comes to be noticed in the much wider circle of his friends. "Used to be a fearfully reserved chap, Wriford," they say. "Never quite knew whether he was shy or thought himself too good for you. Do you notice how different he is now?"