"Thus our proposed plan vanished like smoke. My term of study was nearly completed. This was in 1818. I took my degrees in medicine, left the university, and returned to my native city Amsterdam, full of bright prospects for the future. I had an uncle there, one of the first physicians in Holland, a learned man, and highly esteemed by the principal families. Having no children, he took me into his house and adopted me as his son and successor. I was thus introduced at once to an extensive circle of acquaintance; kind and respectable, it is true, but with whom Christianity was a mere outward profession accompanied by an entirely worldly life. None of these ever spoke to me on the subject of Christianity. I have even heard some of my young friends make a boast of their infidelity, and speak without reverence of the Lord Jesus Christ. I once expressed my astonishment at this, and said, that though I did not believe in Jesus, I thought that those who worshipped Him, and did not consider Him to be God, were mere idolaters. A young physician who was of the party, who was afterwards savingly converted to God, told me some years after, how much ashamed he felt at the time, when receiving such a reproof from an Israelite.
"In the midst of constant occupation, in the diligent pursuit of scientific knowledge, I yet felt an aching void within. I had been subject from childhood to an oppression of the chest, which made me pass many sleepless nights; and in these hours of wakefulness I often thought, 'Why am I upon the earth? Why was I created a man? Should I not be a thousand times happier if I were one of the lower animals? I should not then endure what I now suffer in my body and in my soul.' Often did I cry out, 'O that this day were my last!' Yet I was not disquieted on account of my sins, else I should have shuddered at the thought of death; I was under the burden and curse of sin, without knowing it, or seeking for the remedy.
"One day I went to pay a visit to my friend who had been lately married. He had just received a letter from the celebrated professor already mentioned. 'Would you like me to read it to you,' said he, 'together with some beautiful verses he has addressed to me?' I gladly assented to the proposal. The verses, in which he described, with power and feeling, the glorious hopes of Israel, concluded with the words, 'Friend, be a Christian, and I die content.' At these words, which he pronounced in an under tone, my indignation was roused; my friend, it appeared to me, was less shocked than he ought to have been. 'Take care,' said I, 'there is a plan laid to seduce us.' I left him immediately.
"This occupied my thoughts all the rest of the day. I could not imagine how a man of such profound learning could believe the Christian religion. From that day, however, both my friend and myself began attentively to examine the Word of God; and when we walked together we conversed on those passages that had struck us most. Having begun with the Gospel of Matthew, it was striking to me to perceive, that so far from seeking to subvert the authority of the Old Testament, he made it the basis whereon to build the Gospel of Christ.
"My friend and I spent several months in this way, becoming daily more interested in our researches. At length, with thoughts and feelings very different from those which formerly possessed us, we again determined to read the Scriptures together. For this purpose we retired to a room in my father's house; and I can never think without emotion on these hallowed hours which we spent together, as in the presence of the God of our fathers. Our interest increased as we proceeded. My mind, wearied with vain speculations, now saw a new and boundless field open before it, towards which it was irresistibly attracted; and thus before I had ever heard of the electing love of God, I had experienced the power by which He draws to Christ those souls whom He designs to bless. This study of the word of God became at length the most urgent desire of my soul. Merely to know the truth did not satisfy me: I felt that I must really possess it, and live on its substance. I understood not then the work that was going on within me; but I occasionally experienced moments of delight arising from the conviction that divine assistance and protection accompanied the course I was pursuing.
"One night, when reading the fifty-third chapter of Isaiah, I was so much struck with its resemblance to the account of the sufferings of Christ which I had read in the Gospels, that I was almost convinced I had got another Bible instead of my own; being scarcely able to believe that this chapter, which may be truly entitled an abstract of the Gospel, was really in the Old Testament. 'How,' thought I, 'can any Jew, after reading this chapter, doubt that Jesus Christ is the promised Messiah!' Whence could this strong conviction arise? I had often read this chapter before; but now I read it with the light of the Spirit of God. From this moment I recognized Christ as the promised Messiah, and this gave an entirely new character to our meditations on the Word of God. It was the dawn of a glorious day to our souls, the light of which increased more and more, enlightening our minds, warming our hearts, and even then bestowing upon us unspeakable consolation. Many of the enigmas of life, which had hitherto puzzled and distressed me, were now explained; everything seemed to revive around me, and the object and interest of my life were entirely changed. Happy days, thus gladdened by a sense of the Master's presence! Never can I forget them!
"I believe it was by divine direction that my friend and I did not disclose to any one what was passing in our minds; and that we confined ourselves to the study of God's Word, laying aside all other books except Heydeck's 'Defence of the Christian Faith.' This learned man had been a Rabbi in Germany, and having embraced the Romish religion, was made Professor of Oriental languages at Madrid. This book, written with great talent, and much knowledge of Scripture, is a defence of Christianity against Rationalism. Its perusal was useful to us in two ways; we found that the powerful logic with which he combated the reasonings of Voltaire and Rousseau, entirely deserted him when he attempted to defend Popery against the doctrines of the Reformation.
"Whenever I had any leisure in the morning, I used to shut myself up to read the Word of God, as I dared not peruse it in my uncle's presence. One day I had been particularly considering the following passage in Isa. vii. 14, 'Behold a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.' On going down stairs I found a Jewish physician, a friend of my uncle's, waiting for him in the ante-room. He was turning over the leaves of a new edition of the Bible. 'There,' said he, 'is a fatal passage we cannot easily wrest from the Christians.' It was the very passage I had been meditating upon. My soul was deeply moved, and I again perceived the guiding hand of my God. 'Why, then,' I replied, 'should we not confess the truth?' My uncle now entered, and enquired what subject we were discussing. The physician informed him; and knowing my uncle to be deeply versed in the rabbinical writings, asked him what the Rabbis say on the passage. 'Alas!' said my uncle, 'only a mass of nonsense.' With a beating heart I listened to this admission; and inwardly thanked God for having permitted me to hear these words from the lips of one whose rabbinical learning made him to be considered as an authority by the Jews.
"All these various circumstances convinced me more and more that truth is to be found in Christianity alone. I could not now be satisfied with mere knowledge, I longed for love. Then it was that the sun of righteousness shed abroad in our hearts, not only the light that illuminates, but the quickening warmth that enables the soul to live the life of God. I saw that love had led the Saviour to seek me. I perceived also my own sinful and miserable condition; but this feeling seemed absorbed in a sense of the divine love. In Christ I found my life,—the centre of all my thoughts and affections,—the sole object that could fill the void in my heart,—the key of all mysteries,—the principal of all true philosophy, yea the truth itself.
"I daily felt more and more the necessity of openly avowing my sentiments. I can record, to the glory of God, that the certainty of losing a considerable property, if I declared myself a Christian (which the event has confirmed), never for a moment entered into the scruples which made me hesitate. I dreaded the effect of the disclosures on the kind relative who had treated me as his son; on whose choleric temperament it might produce an impression that, at his advanced age, might be fatal. Doubtless, had my faith been stronger, I should have broken through every obstacle; but I could only suffer in silence, at the same time earnestly praying to God to come to my aid, and open a way before me.