"I tore myself with force from the circle of those who surrounded me, and I was chiefly alone and secluded. I betook myself, as it were, to a desert of books. Alas! the speculations of men only filled my head, while my heart remained empty. My thirst after the truth, after God's truth, was not quenched; I read now and then in the Pentateuch; but the books of the Old Testament were locked up to me, and the old and new commentaries of the rabbis did not satisfy me. That the New Testament is a key to the Old I had not the least conception at that time; and, as I was then an enemy to Christianity, I never read the New Testament.
"At this time of severe struggle, I received a visit from my father, to whom I communicated my distress of mind; it pained him deeply, and he pressed me to return home with him immediately. To my question, 'What shall I do then?' he replied, 'You shall do nothing else but learn the Torah, you have no occasion to trouble yourself about earthly things, and as soon as you shall be seated in the circle of the Chassidim and students of the law, it will be well with you.' Family matters obliged my father to return quickly, and I begged him to allow me to remain for a short time longer in Germany, until I should be enlightened on that which distressed me so much. Shortly after that I was sent for by a Jewish community, in the north of Germany. I hurried thither with joy, where I took possession of a very pleasant post.
"My heart, however, remained wounded, and peace was far from me. The Jews of that place were very indifferent about religion, and it was not required that I should deliver a public lecture on the Sabbath. I looked for religious men, but amongst the Jews there was not one in whom there was a striving after the only good; my exhortation to them to elevate themselves to the fulness which cometh from God, and my admonitions, were all in vain; nevertheless, the pupils clung to me with much love; and they listened to me attentively when I related to them the history of the kingdom of God in the time of the Old Testament dispensation.
"But my heart continued cold even here; the great deeds of God filled me with awe, and the history of our people, as well as my own course of life, only opened more the wounds of my heart. 'The Balm of Gilead' I knew not, and the instruction I imparted was only mechanical, without life, and without warmth.
"I visited the clergymen of this town, and I found some of them different from any I had seen before; they talked of the revealed word of the Old Testament, with warmth of heart and enthusiasm, and I heard for the first time a powerful testimony to the Christian doctrine; my whole heart was stirred up against it, the ground burned under my feet, and I hurried away purposing never to return again.
"Still there remained a thorn in my heart. The fifty-third chapter of Isaiah as well others in the Old Testament, to which my attention was drawn, were too strong for me; doubt raged in me, and the questions, What if it be really true? What if the Christians are right? left me no peace.
"A few weeks elapsed, and I could no longer endure my trouble; I greatly desired to be enlightened, and that, by means of the common medium of all truth, Holy Writ alone.
"I began to read the New Testament, and to compare it with the Old, and it wonderfully unfolded itself to me; more and more I discovered the great mystery of redemption. In the Old Testament, in all God's contrivances, a voice called to me, and I heard the voice of God, through Moses and the prophets, saying: Jesus Christ the crucified, is the true Messiah, the true Saviour, whose name is Jehovah Tsidkenu, the Lord our Righteousness. I was roused especially by the ninth chapter of the Acts; I was made acquainted, after much wrestling and fervent prayer, that Jesus is the source of salvation, and of eternal life to all, who, by the efficacy of His blood, are cleansed from the guilt and pollution of sin, and through Him can call God, Abba, Father. I perceived that faith in the triune God is the victory which vanquishes the world.
"I could not remain silent about this; my heart was filled with it; I tasted the friendship of God, I rejoiced and was constrained to exclaim, 'My Redeemer liveth;' and this I announced to my pupils, talked of it in the circles of Jewish families, and publicly and aloud gloried in the ground of my hope in the rich promise vouchsafed to me, by the mouth of a mighty covenant God: Be comforted, all thy sins are forgiven thee, thy debt is paid and annulled, through the great and only atoning sacrifice, through 'the Lamb of God that taketh away the sin of the world.'
"There was a tremendous tumult among the Jews; some of them came to me, and gave themselves much trouble by various means to turn me away from the Lord, mine and my father's God. The community wrote all about it to my father, from whom I received a letter which placed me in a most painful position. He prayed and cried, 'Come to us, and remain a Jew.' My mother received from this news a severe blow, and she was laid on a bed of sickness, and great were her sufferings; my sisters, brothers, and relatives mourned in secret. It was a hard struggle—life and death depended on my decision.