Mine dear Kaiser,—I'm telling you straight,
Dat ve nefer can vin dis beeg fight,
Dough de Faderland armies vas great,
Dere is udders dat's greater, all right,
Shoost you make de goot beace britty soon,
Right avay, or you notting haf got;
Ven you sups mit de teufel, de spoon
Vill already, somedimes get too hot.
Shoost cut oudt dat beeg strafe dat you make,
Ven you can't mit dose Englishmans pull,
Und you say it vas all a mistake,
For you lufs your dear cousin, John Bull.
Den you cheat dose fool English some more,
Like for forty long years ve haf done:
Dey'll forget den dose treaties ve tore,
Und no more vill dey call us de Hun.
You can fix tings quite easy mit France,
Shoost you gif up de Alsace-Loraine,
Den venefer ve see de goot chance
Ve vill march in and take dem again;
Den dere's Russia and Serbia too,
Vill vant pay for de men dat ve kill;
Now I tells you de ting dat you do
You say Austria vill settle deir bill.
Dere's no trouble vill come from de Yanks,
Since ve mix dem in Mexico up;
Ven a feller get bit vonce, no tanks!
He von't fool any more mit de pup;
For de Belgians some tings must be done;
So shoost bromise de monies to pay,
Till ve get back dose blace in de sun,
Den ve vink, und ve say, "nix furshtay."
FRITZ ADMITS IGNORANCE
Dis old vorld is von uncertain blace,
Dere is so many tings ve don't know,
Ven ve shtart oudt to travel de pace,
Ve can't tell shoost how far ve vill go,
Ve don't know, from de vay a man valks,
How mooch money dat feller may get,
Und dose chaps mit de very smooth talks
May haf schemes in deir heads maype yet.
Ven some leetle birds shtand on a shtump,
Ve don't know yet de first von to fly;
Ve can't tell, from de paint on de pump,
Shoost how soon de old vell vill run dry;
Ve don't know vy de grass is so green,
Nor vy all plue roses grow red,
How de pod get ouside of de bean,
Und de cabbages get de shwelled head.
Ve don't know, ven de veather is dry,
Britty soon if ve get some more rains,
Vy dere's many a goot-looking guy
In his head dat don't haf any brains;
Vy de plack card vill alvays come thrump,
Ven a handful of red vons ve hold,
Nor how far can von leedle flea yump
Nor vy mud-turtles nefer get old.